Granted, there are many times when the lede’s topic is about the Sunday Night Football game, but sometimes I like to shake things up a bit. If only because there some really annoying things about it, ranging from Cris Collinsworth not taking a vacation in Syria, to the lazy, league approved narratives for everything, all the way to being reminded that NBC’s dramas are still being made. So sometimes, I just need a breather, ya know? And plus, if there’s an opportunity to make fun of the a Jeff Fisher led team, you know I’m going to take it, no questions asked. If you’re new to the site, I’ll give you a brief synopsis of my own personal feelings towards Fisher. You know how the words “winless” and “undefeated” exist? There should be a word for “being two games under .500”, and I think that word should be: JeffFisher. Here, let’s put it in a sentence: “People keep saying that Todd Gurley is regressing to the JeffFisher, but I really just think it’s because the offense is sh*t.” And now we have the first career game from Jared Goff, and it looked about as bad as we were expecting. And I gotta tell you, I lived in Los Angeles for almost five years… this is not the best way to grow a fan base. Not only is Fisher challenging the patience of Rams fans, but also men’s hair fashions. And also my ability to come up with a third thing, but I think you get the point…
Jay Ajayi – 16 CAR, 77 YDS, 4.8 AVG, 36 LONG and 3 REC, 7 YDS, 2.3 AVG, 8 LONG, 4 TGTS. Let the regression begin!
Cole Beasley – 5 REC, 59 YDS, 11.8 AVG, 1 TD, 17 LONG, 6 TGTS. Cole Beasley annoys me, mostly because generic football fans will call him ‘Beastly’ and think they’re being super clever and creative. It’s like on OkCupid where you have to list the six things you can’t live without, and some dork types in: oxygen. Let me guess, you’re down to earth and hate drama too!
Odell Beckham Jr. – 5 REC, 46 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 20 LONG, 7 TGTS. You might think they’d get the best wide receiver more than seven targets, but you’d be wrong. CLASSIC Ben McAdoodoo misdirection here.
Tom Brady – 24/40, 280 YDS, 7.0 AVG, 4 TD, 114.6 RTG and 4 CAR, 12 YDS. Who needs defense, right?
Dez Bryant – 6 REC, 80 YDS, 13.3 AVG, 2 TD, 26 LONG, 8 TGTS. Honestly, Dak should have been throwing more to Dez earlier. They have so much in common, they both have three letter names starting with the letter “D”. I mean, what else is there?
Jay Cutler – 17/30, 252 YDS, 8.4 AVG, 1 TD, 1 INT, 81.5 RTG and 1 CAR, 3 YDS. Don’t worry, they’ll start winning games when they know for sure that they have a high round draft pick secure. I’m thinking in two weeks is when they find a way to win four straight games.
Andy Dalton – 24/43, 207 YDS, 4.8 AVG, 1 TD, 2 INT, 57.0 RTG and 4 CAR, 10 YDS, 1 TD. You are the worst. Ginger. Ever.
Ezekiel Elliott – 25 CAR, 97 YDS, 3.9 AVG, 14 LONG and 4 REC, 30 YDS, 7.5 AVG, 17 LONG, 5 TGTS. Elliott imposing his will on the other team, as usual. Though, he better be careful; you never go full Roethlisberger…
A.J. Green – 1 TGTS. RIP 2016 Cincinnati Bengals, Time of death: 11/20/2016; When Green’s hamstring imploded. Tyler Boyd (6 REC, 54 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 1 TD, 13 LONG, 8 TGTS) and Brandon LaFell (4 REC, 32 YDS, 8.0 AVG, 16 LONG, 9 TGTS), step right up and continue the fine tradition of the Bengals offense letting us all down. So, I’m going with just short pulls of straight vodka. This can’t go wrong, right?
Chad Henne – 1 CAR, -2 YDS. I have this wonderful little dream where a random Jacksonville resident goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a henna tattoo and they give him a Chad Henne tattoo instead.
Dion Lewis – 5 CAR, 23 YDS, 4.6 AVG, 12 LONG and 3 REC, 26 YDS, 8.7 AVG, 9 LONG, 5 TGTS. “Oh, you have Lewis on your fantasy team? Haha, here’s a touchdown James…” – Bill Belichick, probably.
Eli Manning – 21/36, 227 YDS, 6.3 AVG, 2 TD, 95.5 RTG and 4 CAR, 1 YDS. What a perfect matchup for Manning to go against Jay Cutler. Two equally frustrating, turnover-prone quarterbacks that everyone treats completely different because one guy has two Super Bowl rings. Don’t you see everyone? Manning doesn’t suck as much because he’s trying to win!
Jerick McKinnon – 16 CAR, 44 YDS, 2.8 AVG, 12 LONG and 1 REC, -3 YDS, 1 TGTS. Alexa, find me a running back that doesn’t suck.
Carson Palmer – 20/38, 198 YDS, 5.2 AVG, 2 TD, 2 INT, 63.3 RTG and 1 CAR, 11 YDS. Seriously? You. Have. David. F*cking. Johnson.
Dak Prescott – 27/36, 301 YDS, 8.4 AVG, 3 TD, 127.2 RTG and 2 CAR, 16 YDS. Were Cowboys fans chanting “Romo” early in the game, or were the Dallas fans just reacting to a minority drinking Evian water and I just misheard them? Honestly, I would love it if Tony Romo just said, “Ef it, I want to remember my name in ten years.”, but the way I’m seeing it, Jerry keeps the Romo’clock at three minutes to midnight at all times just in case.
Ben Roethlisberger – 23/36, 167 YDS, 4.6 AVG, 74.7 RTG. Well, you dodged a bullet here (Plaxico, take notes…) if you ended up starting someone else, despite Ben having a matchup against a hapless Browns team that currently has a snap but don’t bend defense.
Sterling Shepard – 5 REC, 50 YDS, 10.0 AVG, 1 TD, 15 LONG, 11 TGTS. Shepard has a backward handstand in his repertoire apparently. Might come in handy the way Eli throws.
James Starks – 9 CAR, 25 YDS, 2.8 AVG, 8 LONG and 5 REC, 46 YDS, 9.2 AVG, 1 TD, 31 LONG, 6 TGTS. One day, Starks will learn how to run forward.
Ryan Tannehill – 24/34, 172 YDS, 5.1 AVG, 2 TD, 1 INT, 89.3 RTG and 2 CAR, 19 YDS. Ryan Tannenhill has gone down in his career more than Jenna Jamison…
Tyrod Taylor – 19/27, 166 YDS, 6.1 AVG, 1 INT, 70.9 RTG and 9 CAR, 39 YDS, 4.3 AVG, 13 LONG. “So Coach Ryan, how do you feel about the win today?” “Honestly, I have had a case of the runs since I had Skyline Chili yesterday and I thought it was an omen for us to run the ball. Next week against the Jaguars, if I have a kidney stone, Tyrod is throwing it 70 times, I can promise you.”
Terrence West – 8 CAR, 42 YDS, 5.3 AVG, 1 TD, 18 LONG and 1 REC, 11 YDS, 2 TGTS. Terrence “That’s how the West was won”.
The Manning family combined, has almost a hundred more touchdown passes over the last 50 years than the Bears. Just let that breathe for a minute…