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Greetings! Oh ye followers of the Lord, I humbly summon you to partake in a birthday celebration fit for… fit for… well, a Lord. Tis my birthday on Thursday, and myself and the Lord’s keeper (Jay-Wrong) will be guzzling absinthe by the gallon while we watch Lord Grey Albright and Ralph Lifshitz joust to the death. I must mention the fact that Lord Grey is our liege Lord and his death can simply not be allowed. Therefore, Prospector Ralph must take one for the team. He will be deeply missed, and by deeply I mean that I will piss on his ashes and move his wench into my private quarters for a few months and add his children to my service staff. Spotted d*ck and rhinoceros steak sandwiches will be served for all of those interested in joining. Jay and I are both turning 25 this year [Jay’s Note: Haha.], and though we’ve accomplished so many tremendous things in our lives thus far, I see an even brighter future upon the horizon. Our partnership has become stronger than that of Siegfried and Roy as we continue to master fantasy football together as one. Let’s just pray neither of us is mauled by a Tiger. [Jay’s Note: Amen brotha…]

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take heed!

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hulk

For those of you hulking for Chris Hogan, I see you. I’m just not joining in, brother. I know Tom Brady being back means the whole bunch gets an uptick in value, but 3/51/0 just doesn’t do it for me…that’s what Hogan did on Sunday minus his 63 yard reception. That wasn’t for a score. On only 5 targets. I’d prefer volume for my flex or bench options, and won’t spend my FAAB on someone with such a low ceiling, in my opinion. There are too many weapons to rely on him from week to week, and once Dion Lewis returns the availability of targets decreases even further.

Normally I begin this little ditty each week on the positive side of a highlight, but I guarantee you that one of the most added players this week will be Hogan. And rather than give a burn notice, or even break my FAAB bank, on a player with a WR3 ceiling only half the time, I’ll take some of the names below.

Here are the top targets to, well, target as your work the wire for Week 6!

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Welcome back, my Horde!  What an eventful week it has been.  On one hand, I did manage to survive my trip to “Filthadelphia” this past week, but it seems that I am on a terrible fantasy losing streak these past 2 weeks and can’t seem to catch a break.  Even the waiver wire was not kind to me this past week and I am convinced that it is now in cahoots with my Black Widow Curse.  C’est la vie.  The Fantasy Gods giveth, and most of the time they taketh away.  So, how are all of you this week?  Beaten, battered, and bruised?  No?  Then perhaps you need to experiment a little more, and I don’t just mean with your rosters, but I digress.  It also looks like my Black Widow Curse feasted on some more tasty man-flesh this week, so I am sure you all have quite a few holes to fill (which may be a new concept for some of you).  So, let’s get down to business, shall we because time is money, and honey, I ain’t cheap.  Ladies and gentlemen, convicts and inmates, perverts and weirdos, I give you what you all have been waiting with baited breath for…the Week 6 edition of Hit it or Quit it!

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Before we get to Cameron Meredith and other waiver wire recommendations, let’s review last week. Step 1, Acquire Martellus Bennett. Step 2, Start Martellus Bennett (at Flex if necessary). Step 3, Profit. I profited in two (of three) leagues I play in after I acquired him off waivers. I know he wasn’t widely available, but I’d rather write about a player with a chance to make a huge impact in a few leagues than one that might make little or no impact but is widely available. So I’m patting myself on the back for a good call. It feels good to be right for the sake of being right but it also feels good to give helpful recommendations. That’s why I’m taking the time to write this every week. Here’s your players to consider for week 6 FAAB (Free Agent Auction Bidding) waiver claims. The prices are for $100 budgets. View the prices as percentages if your league doesn’t use a $100 budget…

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WHAT. A. GAME. And while those Tampa Bay Buccaneers jerseys will never not be ugly, I want to establish that out of the two statements I just made, only one was leaking sarcasm… and I’ll let you figure out which one. Honestly, at what point should the NFL stop serving endless vodka with a heaping side of cocaine when they’re picking matchups for Monday and Thursday night? In a game that featured what seemed like six hours of tied football when Roberto Aguayo wasn’t missing and making field goals in sequential order (because that’s what you want from a field goal kicker) I don’t think we learned much. I mean, except for the fact that Derek Anderson is the consummate professional. He’d been out of the starting role for how many decades now? And as you can see above, he was instantly back to form. Our national nightmare is over everyone, the epoch of Derek Anderson has begun. Again.

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Paired up against the second Presidential debate, it was easy to get distracted away from football to see the immediate fallout off the now infamous Donald Trump video, that amongst other things, had him describing how he likes grabbing women’s bathing suit areas as a mating ritual of some sort. (Let’s approach this anatomically really quick… can you actually “grab” someone by the hoo-ha? I mean, wouldn’t that be like picking up a bowling ball with just your thumb? It doesn’t even make any sense…) While I want to acknowledge that there was a very important moment in history that occurred last night in terms of how much you enjoy the consumption of popcorn while watching an 167-car pileup, I would only say this one thing before I move on: I wish someone had asked a fantasy football question. I mean, with all the bye weeks coming up, it IS topical as f*ck, right? So that being said, I’ll continue where the title of our post teases, which is: was that the most Eli game ever? That might have been. I mean, on one hand, Eli Manning somehow led the Giants to two Super Bowl titles. On the other hand, there’s stuff like this: 18-for-35, 199 yards and 1 TD, and the bi-weekly fumble (as opposed to his bi-weekly interception). This sort of relates to him as a fantasy quarterback too (XBox Segue Achievement Unlocked), in that at the base level, he’s a pretty run-of-the-mill option that ends up giving you 3500+ yards and 30+ touchdowns. There’s value to that, sure, and of course the Razzball community knows our policy with quarterbacks in most formats is to delay in the draft as long as you can (like my lovemaking), and this is usually where we end up: a bit below Ben Roethlisberger and a bit above the Andy Dalton line. But what I think separates the quarterbacks in this group are their weapons. Having probably one of the best receiving trios in the NFL is a fantasy boon is something that certainly keeps his value up, even when there are macabre games like this.

Here’s what else I saw during yesterday’s Week 5 Sunday games… (Maybe this will be the first week the Chargers don’t lose a high profile player to injury. MAYBE.)

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Whoo-weee folks, have we got a Sunday for you! Not depressed enough? How about the Patriots and Browns? Want to question life in the most existential way possible? Well, I’ve got the Titans and Dolphins! Are you secret misanthrope ready to break free from those commercial and societal chains? Well then, Washington and the Ravens are just for you… okay, okay, we do have a few interesting games, the mysteriously 3-1 Texans visit the even more mysterious 4-0 Vikings, the Bengals will bring as much mediocrity as they can to combat the Cowboys usual peak levels of mediocrity, and if you squint really hard, like so hard your eyes start stinging and you see as many glowing tiny white lights as a J.J. Abrams movie, the Falcons and Broncos game seems intriguing. And something else intriguing to think about, which may start your alcoholic consumption early today (my rallying call), is that if the playoffs started today, it would included the Texans, Vikings, Falcons, and Rams. Holy. Sh*t.

Be sure to check out our Start and Sits for today’s games here, along with Rudy’s updated projections (which finished 11th most accurate last week) for Week 5 by clicking here. And as always, our updated rankings are available after the jump!

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PITTSBURGH, PA - SEPTEMBER 28: Mike Evans #13 of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers looks on during the game against the Pittsburgh Steelers on September 28, 2014 at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)

Fantasy Football sucks. Let’s be real, it’s very, very frustrating.

Things don’t go our way. Remember the Giants-Saints game that was supposed to be a 100-point shootout. Big shoutout to those guys that thought THAT would happen (I thought that would happen).

But as corny as it sounds, Fantasy Football is a marathon, not a sprint. Over the course of 16 weeks, there are 16 Tuesday night’s to win your league at the Waiver Wire. Overspending on Fozzy Whittaker sucks, but it should kill you. There are other weeks to make it up. There are 16 opportunities to make the right call on gameday. Benching C.J. Anderson Week 1 against Carolina won’t and shouldn’t kill your league.

It is best not to get too down when we make a bad decision, and to not get our own biases in the way. Certain players are frustrating to watch on Sunday’s (I’m looking at you Amari Cooper), but like I mentioned five seconds ago, it is a process, and it only takes a few weeks for a certain player to get going and make ourselves pat ourselves on the back for choosing him over the other options.

Through the first four weeks of the NFL season, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have certainly been frustrating, as many (including myself) would have thought their record would have certainly been a little bit better than 1-3.

However, this is a week for the Bucs that will define their year, a very important road division game that will put an emphasis on a win if they were to achieve it. And in order for Tampa Bay to win, it will have to go through their wide receiver, Michael Lynn Evans III (SIDE NOTE: What a weird middle name!)

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Welcome everybody to this week’s edition of “Dap Impacts”, our recurring series here at Razzball analyzing the most important fist bumps in history. This week, we’ll highlight Barack Obama, a man who has dapped more world leaders than all other human beings combined. And who could forget the time he dapped his own wife when accepting the Democratic party’s nomination for President, in a heartwarming moment that Fox News lovingly described as a “terrorist fist jab”… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this is actually another installment of Deep Impact, and also that Fox News did not mean that as a compliment. For those of you who haven’t been reading (looking at you, Sam Hinkie), this is for fantasy football players who like to go rummaging through the Dumpsters looking for hidden treasures. Not literally, Steve, get out of the trash and for the love of all that is holy please take that out of your mouth. For everyone who has been reading this series from the beginning, wow that’s a great haircut, very sharp. And is that new cologne I smell? Well, someone is really out to impress. Here are some plays this week to reward you for being so dapper…

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Whether it’s real or fantasy football, we see time and again the difference between winning and losing can come down to just one play. The Denard Robinson stat correction fiasco of last year’s playoffs caused a change in many a fantasy football result. Yet, few are as frustrating as an official’s call affecting player points, like holding on a TD run or offensive pass interference on a big gainer.

That got me thinking, did anyone suffer bitter defeat because of points taken away from Duke Johnson last week, when inexplicably, officials ruled Washington recovered the ball on a fumble that was never actually lost? I’ve yet to see it in the fantasy football universe, but if it happened to any of you out there, comment below. Regardless, like a mysterious recovery, we fumble through the Week 4 update…

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