I have to say, during yesterday’s “Dress Like an Empty Seat Day” game in San Francisco, it dawned on me that if you were to do it all over again, I’m pretty sure David Johnson would be your number one overall pick. I’D DRAFT HIM AT BIRTH SON. Obviously, that was literal, but even if you take it figuratively, and probably you’d still go Antonio Brown, but who else is there? And to be fair, I think there were probably more question marks with Johnson than that of Todd Gurley entering the season, but what we’ve seen here is a perfect storm of Bruce Arian’s random play-calling, a passing attack that thinks consistency is a dirty word, and an unwillingness by the other team to do something as fundamental to football as tackling. And all of these things were on full display last night, starting with a first quarter that convinced me the game would end in a 0-0 tie. Granted, I think it became a watchable game after three hours of CBS promotions, but even by Thursday Night Football standards, it was pretty terrible. Are you ready to whine and moan about the quality of the game and everything associated with it it but still watch it every week? These are the tough questions folks. That being said, Jeremy Kerley became a thing. So I guess it’s 2012 again.

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Whoa… It’s Week 5 already? How’d that happen? Time flies, right kids? Or as Bill Shakespeare would say “the swiftest hours, as they flew.” I love going all 1609 on you. You’re impressed, admit it. Plus the college girls just love it when I show up to the local watering hole and quote “Othello” all night until they acknowledge me. Ha! Just kidding. I’m too old for college girls. They all ignore me anyway. Plus, I’m way too busy on Saturday nights for any kind of commitment. So there! Here’s a typical Saturday night for me: Check all 158 fantasy lineups….for the fifth time. Check voicemail…..Empty….Iron my Ed Hardy shirts in case anyone calls….Update my “Dream Journal.” Update my “Fear Journal.” Look in the mirror….do six push ups…..Look in the mirror again. Log into Facebook…..get political information. Work on application for Trump University. See folks, Honcho’s time is at a premium. I need to be efficient in every aspect of my life. That’s why I put so much time into what’s important: Fantasy football stats. Really, to be honest, I do it all for you. Because we’re best friends. You’re just not aware of it yet. Invite me over sometime and I’ll prove it. So here’s the deal. This week contains a handful of nice passing match ups, but there’s one that really stands out. I’m going in big on Ben Roethlisberger this week as the Steelers host the Jets at Heinz Field. The Jets’ pass defense has struggled mightily this year, and they allowed 288 yards passing, three touchdowns and had zero interceptions vs Russell Wilson and the Seahawks last week. Through their first four games the Jets are allowing 285 yards passing per contest and they’ve yielded 8 passing TDs as well. They’re also giving up 23.9 fantasy points per game to opposing QBs (5th most) and 10.4 (8th most) fantasy points per game to TEs. The Steelers are absolutely loaded at wide receiver so you can expect Ben to continue his air assault this week against a Jets group ranked in the bottom half of the league in points allowed to WRs.

Here’s a look at some of my favorite passing and rushing matchups for Week 5:

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The day you got report cards in school was always probably the worst day of the month for most people. Regardless of whether or not you did well, it was always stressful waiting for your judgment to be handed down to you in the form of a single letter. While I’m not going to give players a letter grade for their performance on the year so far, I think it’s about time to check in on what they’re doing for your fantasy team. A fourth of the season is finished and it’s time to start making moves if your team isn’t producing. This week, I’m taking nearly 20 of the year’s most intriguing players and letting you know how they should be viewed for the rest of the season. With some trade targets and waiver wire names to grab for “failing” players, let’s get to it in this week’s edition of Beyond the Numbers.

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Welcome back to the weekly streamer extravaganza.  Bye weeks are really catching stride with some key players so make sure to check out this article each week for some fill-ins.  Also there have been 12,642 injuries thus far so even if you aren’t in bye week hell, chances are your team is being ravaged by injuries.  Fantasy football really doesn’t make any sense, especially this season…

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Period Rank QB RB WR TE K DST
Week 4 5 out of 141 60 15 6 49 4 62
Week 3 22 out of 139 41 18 62 21 7 32
Week 2 96 out of 139 96 116 38 107 13 8
Week 1 66 out of 138 63 73 34 116 32 23
2016 26 out of 135 68 39 14 57 4 10
2015 22 out of 123
2014 31 out of 125

Yeah, so… I started doing this post that tried to provide an inside look into my rankings results, players I hit on, missed, etc. (like this), partly because I liked the idea of providing more disclosure with my process, and partly because I didn’t have to clutter the top of this rankings post with that ugly box of numbers. But let’s be honest, we had no idea what the ef was going on with that new information. Looking at it, I couldn’t really figure out what it actually provided that was beneficial, so I think we’ll just move on from it and do the same old thing we’ve always done. And speaking of which, Razzball had a great week… myself, Tehol, and Rudy all averaged out in the top-25 rankings put together, and separately, Tehol finished in the top-50, and Rudy (and his Pigskinator) finished 11th out of all experts, including getting first overall with quarterbacks! Our success is your success, as one of those motivational posters with a kitten lifting a fire truck or whatever says. One of those.

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If you think that headline is bad, the other one I considered was “Seeing the Forsett for the Trees.” And if you don’t like making a pun out of a phrase that is at least a few centuries old, then I don’t know what to do for you. Oh well, maybe you and I are just not meant to be. It’s not easy coming up with running back puns every week based on fantasy relevance. Sometimes you have to dig deep and get weird with it.

Before we get down to business, everybody, pour a little out for the homie Justin Forsett. This dude has had a rough couple months. Forsett got cut at the end of the preseason, got resigned a week later and STARTED week one, got benched in week four, and now—as if watching Terrance West go off for 100+ yards on Sunday wasn’t hard enough—just got released on Tuesday. His release has been described as a mutual parting, with Forsett hoping to get an opportunity with another team, but this is still a tough run for a running back who turns 31 in less than two weeks.

Now that we have that out of the way, has everyone finished cursing the name of John Kuhn? While Mark Ingram owners received a solid day and a touchdown from him, they had to watch John Kuhn vulture not one, not two, not three—OK, it was three—touchdowns on the day (I’ll never forgive myself for linking to that clip). I’ll pause here while you break things around your house, as I probably brought this back up just as you were starting to forget about it. Kuhn was easily the biggest surprise on Sunday.

And now, to the report…

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Chicago Bears quarterback Brian Hoyer (2) runs to the field as players are introduced before an NFL football game between the Chicago Bears and the Detroit Lions, Sunday, Oct. 2, 2016, in Chicago. (AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh) ORG XMIT: CXB1

Last week Brian Hoyer would have made this list had Trevor Siemian not had such a strong outing. This week Hoyer would not be denied, finishing as a top ten QB in week 4. He was no Matt Ryan, but he did throw for 302 yards and two touchdowns. That’s a whole two more yard than Julio Jones had receiving. As a matter of fact, Jones had more yards than all but five quarterbacks. I think HBO just inked a deal for a new show called Game of Jones. Julio Jones, Matt Jones, Jacoby Jones, Chipper Jones and James Earl Jones all battle it out for the right to have their way with one of Lolo Jones, Rashida Jones or Catherine Zeta Jones. My money’s on Darth Vader. Although I think Indiana Jones could at least make it entertaining. For those wondering, this will be a much better show than Keeping Up With The Joneses.

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“Oh baby I like it raw. Yeah baby I like it raw.”

We play a fantasy game that tabulates stats from the performances of human beings playing the real game of football. To win, one must devoid emotion from the process and select the players that project to score the most points. It’s a very cold and robotic process, something the NFL (No Fun League) is probably ecstatic about. Yet, we are human. Antonio Brown scores two touchdowns and starts twerking in the endzone? We are on cloud 9 and put Antonio on the short list of baby names. C.J. Anderson fumbles at the goal line, costing countless owners a win, and people flock to Twitter and send death threats and racial slurs. One of the excuses I see thrown around to explain this behavior is that fans are passionate (but that’s not an excuse for stupidity, but that’s another discussion for another day). Okay. But you know what? Football players are humans too!!! And they have just as much passion, if not more than you or I. How else could you explain the willingness to consciously get into multiple car crashes a day?

I’ve seen so much silliness the past week regarding Odell Beckham Jr.

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Greetings! I hope this note reaches Jay in time, for tomorrow, I leave on a boat trip through the treacherous San Juan Islands, and yes my goodmen, I’m on an epic adventure in search of mass amounts of plunder and booty (mostly booty). The simple and honest truth is, I could be killed, kidnapped, ransomed, or even frog-humped and feathered for all I know. If I go down with my ship (150 ft. yacht), I’d like you all to remember me for the man I was… check that, remember me for the man I was going to be, for I haven’t yet come close to reaching the spiritual levels I’ve slowly begun to master on my way to level four ninja-sex master-God… and that would have been a sight to see. Lord Beddict at a level four? Only the Elder Gods could even begin to imagine the amount of swimsuit models impregnated by a man who will never actually meet the children. For they shall watch him from afar, through their televisions or computers, preaching to the world the sort of positive impact fantasy sports can have on child’s life. They shall know him as Lord Beddict, and they shall be proud. They shall be proud and say: “That beautiful, sexy, shredded, poetic, charming, loving man, once stuck his meat thermometer in momma’s turkey. It’s an honor.” Or something of that nature. You get what I’m saying, don’t you? [Jay’s Note: LOL] No? Good, because I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

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ksbp

Few things make me excited to wake up. Haha, I mean, I love life, but I also love my sleep. And I’m just guessing here, but I don’t think I’m alone in that. However, one day a week I am genuinely excited to wake up the moment my alarm goes off. And it’s not because doing the grown up in the morning (although always fun).

Nope, it’s Tuesdays. Because Tuesday means I can check the updated standings in my fantasy football leagues, see the new point totals within the standings (the true measure of how well you’re actually doing), start setting my lineup for the next week, and give my first glance at how I need to work the waiver wire. Does that make me weird? I’ll vote no. And I’ll imagine that a lot of you feel the same. Tuesdays…the best non-football day of the week.

This Tuesday was no different from any others. At first. I woke up before the sun, walked over to grab my phone and began scrolling through all my leagues to see the updates now that we’re four weeks in. So much anticipated joy was shortly replaced by an increasing disappointment. Sure, I didn’t do wonderful in Week 4 (went against Julio Jones in 3 leagues, and Matt Ryan in another 3…including one where my opponent had both. Ugh.), but the real cause for disappointment was found in the LACK OF ANYTHING TO WORK WITH ON THE WIRE! Haha, ok…now I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s examine just whom is actually worth targeting, and see if any deserve a dope emoji next to their names. Here’s how you can work the wire for Week 5.

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