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I always thought AI stood for artificial intelligence, especially with my background in engineering. Little did I know that it shared its abbreviation with the deliberate introduction of sperm into a female’s uterus or clitoris for the purpose of achieving a pregnancy. I think that is the procedure they are currently performing on both Jay Cutler and Tony Romo. The facts are a little fuzzy, but that sounds about right. I believe Marcus Semien and Trevor Siemian are the donors, but it could also be Danny Woodhead, Wendell Smallwood or even Ha Ha Clinton-Dix. To be honest, however, I don’t think anyone cares. On the other hand, what they might care about is the following list of jabronies. I think if you tried setting your lineup as such, the web app might just reject it on principle. Let’s take a closer look.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

NFL: Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears

If you have been following our weekly Handcuff Reports and reading them carefully (as I am sure you have been), you may have noticed this little gem that I wrote last week:

“After pass-catcher Ka’Deem Carey went down with a hamstring injury, Jordan Howard entered the game and actually looked pretty good. If Langford continues to struggle, look for Howard to get some more chances. If you are in a deep league, add Howard to your watch list.”

Well, I hope you skipped the watch list and went right to adding him on waivers. And if you did, if you were the person in your league who pulled the early trigger on Jordan Howard thanks to reading this article, then you had a really good Monday. You probably woke up on Monday morning, checked your league news and your team (I am assuming here that no one bothered to watch most of that beatdown), and saw the Jeremy Langford injury news. Then you probably took a sip of your coffee, sat back, smiled, looked at the rest of the teams in your league and said:

I’ma be all right. I’m straight… Sergio gonna be fine! F*ck a recession… I own 21 Cookaroos. Ya’ll don’t own one Cookaroo. Not one… Ya’ll are f*cked. Ya’ll are f*******cked!

Okay, now that we got the world’s longest Get Him to the Greek reference out of the way, let’s get back to business. Jeremy Langford left this week’s game against the Cowboys early and did not return, and it has since been reported that he has a severe high ankle sprain and could miss up to six weeks. After Langford left the game, Jordan Howard rushed for 45 yards on nine carries (5 YPC) and added four catches for 47 yards. With the aforementioned Ka’Deem Carey also nursing an injury of his own, Jordan Howard could be in for a full workload for the next six weeks. And if he has success in Langford’s absence, he could very well take the starting job or turn this situation into a timeshare. Even if Carey comes back quickly, he will be the receiving back on passing downs, while Howard should get the start and the majority of the touches. Jordan Howard is going to be one of the most-added players on waivers this week, so get your claims in before Thursday morning. But, alas, this is the Handcuff Report and not just the Jordan Howard report, so let’s get to the rest of the league!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

luckcivilwar.0

Greetings! Young Lords and Lordettes, we are almost a quarter of the way through the NFL season! I cannot believe it. I haven’t fully enjoyed the sport as I usually do, for I’m dealing with many intense personal issues, while also trying to grow as a human being. Some things must come before this incredible game we all have come to lean on for entertainment, and in my case, develop an unhealthy obsession with. So, I ask you this, as your trusted Lord; Put your phone down for a few minutes and kiss your loved ones. Close Twitter for an hour and toss your mate’s salad. Throw the ball to your dog! Go on a hike! For the love of the Gods, I beg of you, don’t become like me, for I have a screen addiction. Oh, it’s real folks. I seriously need to have it taken away from me on Sundays and pretty much every day of baseball season. There are more important things in life than professional sports. Not many, but some. I am here to serve.

I am Lord Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!

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pryor

I’m no sage. And, as Jay always points out, I’m no expert. I can’t see the future, and I can’t accurately predict the outcome each week. One thing I can do, though? Look to the past to determine what may happen in the future. That’s called wisdom. And in fantasy sports it’s one of the best possible things you can do. Trends and trajectories, consensus and conjecture. It’s all a part of the game, but if you read it right you can get a step up on the competition. Which is why we’re here. Well, I’m here, at least…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

pryor0906

Two things before I get into this week’s FAAB acquisitions, which include The Terrelle Pryor Show and Wendell Smallwood’s supremacy over Ryan Tinytwig (err, Mathews). Firstly, a thank you to all the readers and commenters. Every week there are more FAAB (Free Agent Auction Bidding) specific questions in the comment section and it makes my day to see that. I love FAAB and I think Razzball can be ahead of the curve in addressing the FAAB needs for all of you. Now onto some general FAAB considerations. Specifically, the difference between 10-team leagues and 12-team leagues. Its the quality of player available on benches of 10-team. A much higher percentage of would be stars are available in 10-team leagues. Jordan Howard, Jerick McKinnon and Theo Riddick were all out there in some leagues and that just wasn’t the case for most 12-team leagues. Players like Fozzy Whittaker and Cameron Artis Payne were often still there on the first Sunday morning after the Jonathan Stewart injury. Kenyan Drake was sometimes not acquired even after the news he would start. This latter group of players is nothing really special, but they are decent stopgaps for desperate teams. These type of players are quickly snatched up in 12-team leagues but can linger around the waiver wire in shallower leagues. Now, onto the FAAB recommendations…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, that was something. And if you think I’m referring to the Presidential debate instead of the game, I’d say, why not both? And while I won’t go into politics here, I’ll do one better and I promise not to drop that “special” teams joke that I’m sure will be the go-to joke at your cooler talk-sesh (are water coolers still a thing?), but I would still continue to point out that weekday football is still, to this very day, able to bring one of two things; derpy or boring. There is no in-between, no negotiation, no choice. These two, that’s it. And you add two teams from the NFC South to the mix? Well, just one look above to see the majesty and grace of “wtf?” confirms my aforementioned theory. And while my predicted score was just a tiny bit aggressive, we still arrived at an Arena Football-esque score. And at times, it was pretty hard to believe that there were Saints players on the field at all when the Falcons were on offense. Then again you could say the same about the Falcons, but to a lesser degree. So I guess I just described this game perfectly: Saints really bad, Falcons a little bit less. Really rolls off the tongue…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

woofalcons

I’m pretty sure I could compare tonight’s Monday Night Football game to that of the first Presidential debate pretty closely, but I get kinda stuck at who plays the part of Donald Trump. Like, I think the obvious choice would be Sean Peyton, but then we’d have to inject his skin with Cheetos to get the correct pigment. Hey, if you’re going to do an analogy, you gotta go 100%. But since this is a day where football actually will finish second to something other than it’s own news, I don’t mind going ahead and just talking about the matchup tonight that features two dumpster fires. I’m actually talking about football this time guys. Yes, the eternal battle between two floundering NFC South teams not named the Panthers is on full display tonight as we get to see the idea of defense be dismissed and scorned like the silly idea that it is to both these teams. Generally, I’d usually pick the home team between the two, so the Saints get my vote (see what I did there?), but I think the real debate (did it again, red hot fire they call me folks) is how many points the teams score total. I’m guessing in the thousands, but you’re right, that number sounds a bit too conservative. (WOOOO. Trifecta baby!)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Contrary to most people, Fantasy Football actually reinforces my belief in a higher power. Because in my opinion, the statistical probability that the Bears would be so uniquely irrelevant for such a long amount time is far less likely than a giant vengeful sky man wanting to live with you when you die. And if we are talking in terms of fantasy (something we do from time to time), it doesn’t seem that long ago when Jay Cutler was doing his best impersonation of Jay Cutler, but with a cast of Matt Forte, Martellus Bennett, Brandon Marshall, and Alshon Jeffery. Sure, they were still full of derp, still kinda bordered the line between mediocre and hilarious, but they had an offense. More importantly, they had an offense that you wanted to draft on your team. Now all that’s left is Alshon Jeffery living in Hoyer Country. (If he throws a Hail Mary, what shall they do about their papist neighbors?) So whats wrong with the Bears offense? Is it: A) Hoyer can’t throw the ball, B) Kevin White doesn’t know what a Route Tree is, C) The offensive line can’t block, D) Alshon Jeffery hasn’t cared since they shipped Marshall off to the Jets, or E.) All the above? And sure, lets give some credit to the Cowboys. Ezekiel Elliott had a terrific game on the ground (kudos to Zach for calling it in his Start ‘Em/Sit ‘Em post), and Dak Presscott looks pretty legitimate. I mean, let’s be honest, drafting a good quarterback by accident is just about the most Cowboys thing ever. But while I deal with my own feelings as a Chargers fan (alcohol is involved), I have to wonder why the Bears even exist right now, but then I remember that the Cleveland Browns are still a thing and it all makes sense.

Here’s what else I saw in Sunday’s Week 3 games…

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It's gonna be a long year for these Cowboys...

I talked about this on the pod a little bit, but when you look at this game, you really wonder why the hell it’s in prime time. Sure, several months ago, this might have looked good on paper… maybe? I don’t blame Jay Cutler as much as Bears fans do, Alshon Jeffery is a lot of star power… but there’s not much else there that your general football fan might recognize. And the Cowboys? Yeah, they usually anchor any prime time game with Bryant, Romo, and Witten… yeah, the match-up would have made some sense if you squinted really hard… but boy, now that we’re here… Wow. Jay Cutler is doubtful for the game, leaving us in the derpiest of all time periods: “Hoyer Time”. Jeremy Langford is not who we thought he was, and even over on the Cowboys side, Tony Romo is out (for his career, if we care about his future aspects to live the rest of his life in a healthy fashion), leaving something called Dak in charger. Ezekial Elliot is suffering from some rookie over-hype (made of phrase, I’m sure), and Jason Garrett is still head coach. I’m sorry, why are we watching this game tonight?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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