Greetings! Your favorite fantasy writer’s favorite fantasy writer (shout out to Apache Kid) is officially back from the islands and fully prepared to drop Elder God-knowledge on the chosen few of you who consistently read my posts. I’d like to begin (I guess this isn’t technically the beginning), by apologizing for my single, brief post from last week. Right as I was beginning to outline my usual Saturday post, I received a carrier pigeon from Jay the Elder, demanding that I enjoy my vacation and not submit my Start/Sit column. I’m assuming it had to do with the gutter trash I turned in on Tuesday, but still, I’m grateful nonetheless. Oh, how I’ve missed this though! I will never schedule another vay-cay during football season ever again. Not to mention, you feel like a piece of rhino dung for sitting inside watching football when you’re in Maui, but I just can’t help myself. I love this game, my goodmen, and I let you down. NEVER AGAIN!

I am Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight! Take heed!

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I woke up this morning with a pain in my heart. I couldn’t quite place what caused it, but it was there. So instead of indulging this pain by calling out sick, and moping around the house all day in those super comfy plaid fleece pants, I decided to go to work and go about my day as if the pain wasn’t there. But it was there, oh it was there. I was just in denial, I knew what the pain was, and I knew what caused it. But I was holding out hope that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. But there I was, 1:30 pm EST in the front conference room at the office in a meeting with clients. My phone buzzed, and when I peered down at my screen it was just as I had feared “Dion Lewis out for season with ACL tear”. At that moment, I let out a primal scream that could only be matched by the sound of my mighty swinging scrotum pounding the inner-thighs of Tehol’s wiz. This is my fate for making light of all you Charles, Bell, and Foster owners in past weeks. In one awkward step a dream was lost, and a little piece of me died. I stand before you jaded and less innocent to life’s unfair twists, than I did a week ago. Now, as we always do, we pickup the pieces, recollect, and hit the wire…

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A blast from the past with a cute little beat that can make your time on the toilet a little more enjoyable. You’re welcome. Now, I’m not an advocate of pursuing O.P.P. (Other People’s P???y). It’s just not my style and I think it’s dirty. With that said, I am considering DGB. Which is worse? DGB is Dorial Green-Beckham, a size/speed freak that was considered the best wide receiver prospect since Randy Moss. He was the LeBron James of high school football back in 2011. At his pro day, he measured in at 6’5″, 237 lbs. with 9″ hands and 32 1/2″ arm length. He ran the 40-yard dash in 4.49 seconds and 3-cone drill in 6.89 seconds.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A week where we saw an undefeated be beaten by the Colts (yes, THOSE Colts) and also some more major injuries, we are getting closer and closer to fantasy football playoffs times and knowing who to have and not to have is important. That is what I do, I tell you who to have on your benches, who to play, and who to drop as well. With some injuries at quarterback and running back, there will be some players who need to be stashed or even better, grabbed and potentially be worth playing. In the past three games, Derek Carr has thrown 11 touchdowns to only one interception and is quickly turning around compared to what he did in his rookie season last year. With a solid run game and two good wide receivers to throw to in Amari Cooper and Michael Crabtree. He has thrown for at least three touchdowns in the past three games as well and thrown no lower than 289 passing yards in those games as well. He is quickly proving to be match-up proof and does not show any signs of slowing down as the season progresses. For owners who may have lost Ben Roethlisberger (again) may need a quarterback on the waiver wire to pick up the slack and there may be no better option right now than Derek Carr as he continues to rack up fantasy points like crazy. And with Matt Ryan, Andrew Luck, Philip Rivers, Drew Brees, and Eli Manning still having bye weeks coming up over the next two weeks, Carr could be the perfect plug-and-play quarterback.

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Welcome to Reservations For Six where everyday the specials are touchdowns. Party of five, no problem. Come in, sit down and let’s talk about six point plays. And don’t forget to tip your server. Touchdowns are the cherry on top of your Sunday fun day. The icing on the cake. And sometimes a touchdown is the only thing that can salvage a shitty stat line. When your receiver only has two receptions for 20 yards with only a few minutes to go and he reels in a 12-yard touchdown you are able to breathe a little easier. Instead of just 4 points in your PPR league, you now have 12.2 and are that much closer to a win or further from a loss if you’re the glass half empty kind. But touchdowns just don’t grow on trees. If they did, I have at least one in my backyard right next to my row of money trees. Unfortunately I have neither. Receiving touchdowns begin with targets. If the ball’s not thrown to you, then you can’t catch it. And if you can’t catch it, you can’t score a touchdown. At least not without a comedy of errors and a handful of luck. Let’s take a look what’s going on inside the red zone when the ball is thrown. Who’s being targeted? How do those targets translate to touchdowns? Who’s making the most of their red zone targets? How about the least?

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In what was usual fare for a Monday Night Football game, two rambunctiously awful teams went at it, and this one was perhaps the nail in the coffin for the San Diego Chargers in all aspects. And I say all aspects, because this not only brings a close to their 2015 season, but also might put an end to what is now an animus relationship between the city, the fans, and the team’s owner, John Spanos. I think Jacksonville could play in San Diego and more of their fans would show up at this point… It honestly reminds me of when the Oilers left Houston. I should note, as the local (aka only) Chargers fan here at Razzball, I did provide my own hot take deep this offseason discussing my thoughts on the Chargers possible relocation. (TL;DR – I don’t really care, as I’m a fan of the team, not particularly where they play.) Especially since I’ve lived both in San Diego and Los Angeles, the entire southern California region will be one huge mega-city of L.A., Anaheim, and San Diego in about a decade anyhow, so it shouldn’t really matter. Though, it is quite silly how the Chargers have wasted Philip Rivers career thus far by drowning his entire surrounding environment with mediocrity. But hey, at 3-5, at least the Bears season is looking promising. They’ll win just enough games to land right in the middle of not making the playoffs and taking them out of the running of a nice draft pick…

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I’ll admit it. That was probably the best Sunday Night Football game of the season, and it had everything I’ve come to expect from an NFC East divisional game. It’s almost as if the Giants and Washington were there in spirit. In what was the second and final match-up between the Eagles and Cowboys, the game feature two quarterbacks that would probably be quite successful at the collegiate level. And most likely Canadian Football. And the aforementioned ingredients for this divisional game? All there. Turnovers, questionable officiating, amazing plays, the bi-weekly Sean Lee injury (honestly, Lee needs to be banned from playing football for his own good), back and forth scores leading to overtime, and of course, derp. In the end, the Cowboy’s failed to tackle anything during overtime (last play shown above) and now the Eagles have an insurmountable lead in the division at 4-4, good for second. Because Giants, that’s why. So… in summation: F*ck Greg Hardy.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 9’s Sunday games…

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It's gonna be a long year for these Cowboys...

No game in London this week? Well, there goes my willingness to watch a football-like product today… Instead, we’ll have to deal with intriguing match-ups and, well, not so intriguing ones. Your typical Sunday in the NFL I suppose, unlike Thursday and Monday, which are normally intriguing match-ups that end up with not so intriguing games. (INTRIGUING!) If there was one game to watch, it would probably have to be the 6-1 Packers heading to the Carolinas (both of them I guess?) to face off against the undefeated Panthers. A true test to see if the Panthers, are in fact, real, as all their wins have come against some, well, to stick with today’s theme I guess, less-than-intriguing competition. Living in the NFC South will do that to ya I guess. If there was a second game to watch, it would have to be the Eagles and Cowboys annual opportunity at divisional fisticuffs and NFC East derp. Trust me, a Sunday Night Football game showcasing Sam Bradford and Matt Cassel may sound terrible, but it’ll that good kind of terrible. Like eating Spam. Or watching San Andreas

Rankings have been updated and can be found here.

Join myself and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wednesdays are my favorite day of the week.  No, really.  Sundays are fun, but football is getting so tough to watch anymore.  Did you watch Monday Night Football?  Just brutal.  Alas, I’ll complain but continue to watch. But Wednesday is the best.  It’s my Saturday off from my job, so a day off is always nice.  Don’t get me wrong.  I absolutely love my job.  I get to interview B-list celebrities, D-list celebrities, local celebrities and write about sports.  Not a bad gig at all.  But everyone loves a day off. For me, it’s my relaxing day, but it starts early.  It starts at 5:30 a.m., to be exact.  Yes, I set an alarm on my day off, but why?  Well, I have to see if I won my FAAB bids in my leagues, and whoever didn’t get picked up, I swoop in and grab them.

Obsessed?  Yes.  But you have to be if you want to win your leagues…

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Another week, another me, wait… that makes no sense. Let’s try that again. Another week, another me talkin’ about you. Yeah, that’s the ticket… I’d buy that for a dollar. I wish I could buy anything for a dollar these days. Stupid inflation, economics and what not. Speaking of buying, can I buy a win over here? It’s been one of my worst seasons and I don’t see it getting any better. It’s so bad that I haven’t even had to deal with Injurpocalypse 2015 or whatever they are calling it. Our resident man in the trainers room Lance goes over it in great detail here. Wait, I forgot, I had one big boo-boo when Charles went down in one league, but that was an auto-draft, so I feel I deserve the punishment for brain farting on the draft time. It’s cool though, I’m a glutton for masochism. Speaking of a little masochism, I’ve had to re-schedule my latest tattoo appointment twice now and I have no idea why I brought that up. But since I did, what’s been your most painful tattoo? This of course makes me wonder where on Jay’s body is his Chargers tattoo. I’m betting on the left butt cheek. [Jay’s Note: That was the most natural place…] Anythehoo, enjoy the Robo Cop GIF from the title…

Please, blog, may I have some more?
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