Seriously, I shouldn’t have to be writing this lead. This is fantasy football, right? We’re talking about a fake sport where we want to crush our opponents with an amazing game or two from some star players, right? Well Baltimore don’t care, people. This offense has been stuck in neutral all year and – no surprise – so has most of the fantasy worth surrounding the team. Even good matchups haven’t been exploited to the extent they could be. Detroit’s secondary should’ve been torched tonight and they were able to move the ball plenty on jump balls. It was like watching the 2012 season all over again. I like to think of it as the chuck and pray offense. Well, last year a lot of prayers were answered. This year, not so much. Baltimore can move the ball fairly well but haven’t been able to do much of anything with their opportunities once they get close in. And that’s why I have to talk about a kicker. Well, that and the Lions offense was a bit of a bore so that didn’t help. Either way, Justin Tucker has probably helped more than one fantasy team get to their respective Super Bowl this week and I gotta tell ya…I’m not happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you got in. Yes you. You know I’d follow you to the ends of the Earth and back. So here’s to you…you. But no, it’s just further proof to me that kickers have entirely too much sway on the outcome of this game we play. Of Justin’s 6 field goals, I’d say 2 of them were legit and the rest was just more Ravens offense failure. I already went over my disgust with the kicker position this summer. I don’t think I can cover it any better. Ok, I probably could’ve but much like Allen Iverson and practice, we talkin’ bout kickers. Not a game, no not a game…kickers. So here’s to you, the team that is strutting its stuff on their way to the big game on the big leg of a kicker who may not even finish top 5 at his position next year if the Ravens can figure out what the end zone looks like. In other fantasy news…ok, ok I know you all wanna know where I went last weekend and why I had JB covering me for the week 15 rundown. Well, I got to go to this little thing called the Playboy Mansion. You know, no biggie. Just me, my Fantasy Baseball compadre Grey Albright, and the handsome SOB I pretended I was all weekend Tehol Beddict. Since there’s no Thursday Night Football, we might see what we can do to give a taste of the event we went to on Friday but I hold no promises as I should probably be sleeping for the next five days just to make up for the evil I did to myself with an open bar. I think even my fingers have a hangover right now…neverthewhoo! Let’s get on with it…
Calvin Johnson – Had some bad drops on the night but don’t worry, none of those drops happened in the end zone! I was trying to be consoling, clearly I dropped the ball myself. Megatron finished with 6/98 and plenty of frustrated guys who were 10 points behind in standard coming into Monday night going ‘I got this one in the bag’.
Jacoby Jones – He led his team in receptions and yardage – 6 catches for 80 yards – but of course, still plays for Baltimore so that means he was fantasy irrelevant for most. I really thought Jacoby Good. Instead, Jacoby…a’ight.
Reggie Bush – A touchdown! Was very surprised how well the Lions ran on the Ravens considering how good their front usually is against opposing RBs. Reggie didn’t show much ill effects from the ills have have been ailing him of late…I’m being honest, can’t remember which ailment has had him down. Ankle? Calf? Either way, he had 101 total yards and a TD. Word to your Mudder.
Ray Rice – Dropped to a knee with a clear path to the end zone to set up more Tucker time. As if you haven’t wrought enough pain on your fantasy owners this year than you already had before tonight…
Matthew Stafford – King of the letdown party, Stafford was at home, in a dome and still finished with a meager 235 and one touchdown to go with 3 interceptions. Normally we get a fantasy feast with this guy. Instead we got Stafford’s lean cuisine. Angel hair pomodoro just doesn’t taste right covered in crushed grown ass man tears.
Joe Flacco – Passed for 222 yards but didn’t turn the ball over. Hey, it looks like Baltimore finally found their Trent Dilfer replacement!
Torrey Smith – I hate Joe Flacco. Yup, all I got to say right here. Twelve targets should lead to something…SOMEthing. Not 4/69. Bee Tee Dubs, this Ravens squad is looking more and more like the team that makes the playoffs as the 6th seed. How much do you want to throw up in your mouth right now? Don’t worry, I just did it for you. But that’s really only because of that open bar at the Playboy Mansion still. Oy…somebody get me a 7-Up, some saltines and a new liver please.