Hey, guess who the only person was that received a lower draft grade (D) than myself (D+)? (And if you know me on the baseball side, I’m all about the +’s.) If you guessed Sky, well then… you sir have the remarkable ability to grasp the notion of duh. And let me tell you something, I did do a horrible job with this draft. Name check brah. Now you know. Not only did I have the frustrating draft position, of what the Spanish call, ‘el feo de numero eleven-ostra’, or something like that. But I also sniped multiple Chargers in rapid-fire mode. Well, sniped might not be the best descriptor, since technically that means someone would have wanted to pick those players after me. I cannot confirm nor deny this. Oh, and yeah. My team ended up drafting a defense in the 6th round. WUT.
I do not make excuses. I will only state that there was a defense drafted in the 6th round, by the Seauicidal Tendencies, which is the team attached to my Yahoo login. Furthermore, I cannot and will not use any possessive language when referencing said action. Anyhow, that happened. I will point out that the ADP for Seattle’s defense is at the end of the sixth round, so yeah… there is that I guess. Regardless, even with all that shooting myself in the foot, and then, I dunno, in the kneecap, and I guess in the thigh too, there is one question I have to ask– Sky, my bro, what’s your excuse? Did you draft Aaron Hernandez AND Jeremy Maclin?
Here’s my team, aka Derpfest 2013.
So, let’s start off with the fact that I didn’t want to draft Alfred Morris (11) nor Dez Bryant (14) as my first two picks. Actually, I didn’t want to draft anyone on my team really, unless there was a lightning bolt on your uniform. But for rationalization’s sake, let’s just stick with the previous premise. Morris and Bryant were simply the best RB/WR combo left at my draft position that I was most comfortable with. There was no way I was going to touch CJ2ypc, nor was I going to draft Matt Forte (13). The fact that I drafted Michael Bush (110) aptly describes my feelings on that tandem.
I thought about Eddie Lacy (37) at the end of Round 3, but the Packers offense last year reminded me of dating a bi-polar emo chick. Sure, that could mostly be Jermichael Finley’s fault, but I wanted to see what David Wilson (35) could do for me. Now, I don’t love him like Nick (the Podcast Host) does, but I wanted to fill my RB spots (sans the flex) right then and there with an upside play. My next pick, at 4.2, was Cam Newton. I’m pretty sure he’s Carolina’s only legitimate redzone running option, and I’m a big believer in the skill-set, but there’s risk here, no doubt.
On a quick note, I found it hilarious that Ryan Matthews was drafted at 4.11. Bro, no one homers like I do, and I wasn’t even going to think about him until Round 5 or 6… maybe. He’s had a great preseason, no doubt, but he still fumbles inside the five yard line at a pace where someone should actually double-check and make sure that he doesn’t think that’s what is supposed to happen. He’s still primarily a two-down back that doesn’t catch as much as you want in a PPR. And really, with the last three seasons, you’re gonna draft him around the same spot he was supposed to go last year? When he was also a sleeper? And then promptly had more collarbones broken than TD’s? Let’s just say I’m going to call Murph ballsy on this one. But hey, that’s coming from a team that allegedly drafted a defense on the next turn. So whatevs.
Then homerism, as I’ve already stamped all over this post, happened. I can’t help it. I wanted Vincent Brown (83), who is a legitimate sleeper candidate. If you don’t believe that, you just not knowin’ son. He is primed for a big year. There’s Antonio Gates (86), who has lost a step, but will be a constant “Oh my god, OL… da fuq? Here, quick, take the ball” target for Philip Rivers (134). I would have liked to get Danny Woodhead, but selected at 103, I’d rather have Benard Pierce (107), who I think is primed to take carries away from Ray Rice, and be an effective fantasy back.
My strategy for drafting the bench was half sentiment, half injury-plays, and wholey augmented by copious amounts of bourbon. As mentioned above, I think Bush will vulture carries and touchdowns from Forte. I think Steven Jackson will be ineffective this year due to age and/or eventual injury, so I’m liking me some Jacquizz Rodgers (131). I also like Jaquizzing, but that’s another matter. Or is it? Mohamed Sanu (155) and Brandon LaFell (158) are meh to me, but hey, something could happen there. Blair Walsh (179), because, well, he kick’s it far. Pointed analysis, I know. And then, last but not least, actually, last and least, Tyler Eifert (182), because who knows. Gates is old I guess? The last four picks were uninspired (don’t you dare include my Rivers pick there, I’ll cut you), but I was already pretty drunk and wanted to hurry it up so I could watch the latest Breaking Bad I DVR’d.
You don’t care for my team?
Come at me bro!
So that sums up my draft. A bunch of eh, meh, Chargers, Jaquizzing, and post hoc drunk Breaking Bad. So really, not a bad night at all.
Jaywrong is a 30-year old Korish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.