I’m not gonna lie to you, I don’t know where I am right now. I just came back from the bars at 4 am to have a breakfast of waffles and scotch and I forgot to make the waffles. If you’re reading this then it probably means Sky’s lazy ass is somewhere ‘with family’ or some shit and I got a chance to step in and take over and give out these ridiculous Fantasy Football awards ‘in the spirit of the season’. First off, I guess I should preface this: I cuss a lot. Then again if you didn’t know that from the first couple of sentences, you’re either drunker or stupider than me. Secondly, WTF are you doing reading this on Christmas? Don’t you have some damned family around to make you sandwiches or something? Kid, my liver is the size of a Baleen Whale at this point so don’t be pretending you give a crap about what I’m writing unless you mean it. I’m what they call ‘an angry drunk’. I’m also an angrier sober so keep me socially lubricated. Now WTF were we talking about? Yeah, Fantasy Football. In a 12 team league, there are 11 people who’ve have their heart ripped out of their dong hole at this point except for those lucky few who do championships in week 17. And why are you doing that, exactly? Seriously, the JC Superstar owner is pretty much boned out of contention by that nonsense. Get your shit together. If you wanna include week 17, make it a two week championship then. Oh what, my harsh words gonna make you cry? You gonna tattle to Sky on me? What are you, five? Well if you are, let me tell you something: Santa’s not real. Yup, you guessed it there’s just a bunch of drunk arseholes like myself dressed up like this during the holidays and mommy and daddy are putting you on my lap to get your stupid picture taken. Reality bites, kid, get used to it. But enough school of hard knocks lessons from me, let’s cover who’s been naughty, who’s been nice and other fantasy football awards for the 2013 season before I throw up, get naked, and pass out (and not necessarily in that order)…
NICE LIST – This is a list of guys you drafted high and they rewarded you like they should’ve been rewarded. It’s a short list, really, cuz most players are naughty by nature. Well that and I’m just reviewing the top players from each position up to this point. Whatever, you don’t care. I’m gonna go get some spiced rum and egg nog and then probably defecate in the shower.
Jamaal Charles – What can be said? The dude ruled fantasy football this year, especially for RBs. He did the main thing you’re supposed to do all year as a top picked RB: he stayed healthy, he was consistently productive and he made you look like a genius when you took him as a top 3 RB like Sky told you to do. Looking good amongst your friends is the most important part of fantasy football, after all.
Peyton Manning – When you break real NFL records, you break fake NFL records as well. Manning’s 51 TD passes – and counting – on the year has been a majestic reminder that football ain’t what it used to be. Flag this, flag that. Don’t touch anybody on offense or you’re gonna get fined, suspended and sent to a remote island with deadly animals without rations for 30 days…blah, blah, blah, it’s still an amazing feat and one that probably won’t happen again any time soon. Enjoy it.
Jimmy Graham – Jimmy reminds us all that at TE, there’s Gronk and Graham and there’s everyone else and when Gronk is not healthy, there’s just him. He’s the new breed of TE. I’m actually gonna start watching college basketball to find the next Jimmy Graham myself.
Calvin Johnson – I know you want to give him a thumbs down for his final two weeks but you gotta look at his season as a whole. Still near the top of the WRs on the year despite all the injury issues. A knock on Megatron is a knock on all that I hold dear so keep it to yourself you little bastard.
NAUGHTY LIST – These are the little brats that went high in drafts and did absolutely shit all for you from beginning to end. I’m not gonna talk about injured guys. Injured guys stopped playing because they were hurt. Naughty list guys you wished got hurt so they would stop playing. See the difference?
Trent Richardson – If I took T-Rich out christmas caroling, I could imagine asking him to go ring the door bell. He’d stick his lead arm out, put his head down and blindly just put his hand on the brick wall next to it and just push for 5 seconds until he got tired and fell down. Seriously, he played like a gerbil has sex: 5 seconds of pounding and then fall off. He went from the Browns to the Colts which is an analogy for going from shit to horse shit. Eff this guy.
Colin Kaepernick – I’m gonna call you Kaep even though you’ve come out and said to call you Kap. I don’t give two shits what you want at this point. You strolled into everyone’s top 10 QB list this year kissing your pecs and now expect us to kiss your ass when we should be kicking it? Get outta here, Kaeperdick.
Fred Davis – Seriously, you slept through film study. Maybe if you had paid a bit of attention, the coach could’ve played you. But no, you’re an All-Star in your own mind, actually learning the game is beneath you. Hope you don’t fall asleep in the welfare line after this season’s over.
Victor Cruz – Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don’t wanna hear about Eli. Not everything can be on the QB. You still have to do something. Even Commissioner Gordon got something out of Jason Campbell and Brandon Weeden. What’s your excuse? You went from authentic Salsa to Pace Picante pretty quick there, muchacho, and gave me the shits while you were at it.
STOCKING STUFFERS – This is the list of draft day gifts that probably won a few leagues. I don’t have a reason for calling them stocking stuffers so don’t ask. It’s a holiday reference, that’s all you should need. Don’t be a greedy asshole.
Knowshon Moreno – Nestled somewhere in between santa’s balls and his ass is where Moreno went in drafts this year. I don’t even know what that means at this point, I’m on my 4th bottle of Islay and I’m surprised I can still type complete sentences, truth be told. Moreno ended up being the top 10 back that everyone thought Montee was gonna be this year and you got him right around where you could get your standard RB handcuffs went. Heck, he was probably even undrafted in a few leagues. Those leagues don’t know what they’re doing, though. Don’t play in those leagues. They’re full of idiots.
Philip Rivers – It may not have been pretty the entire time but you don’t finish as the 7th best QB for no good reason. Rivers basically put up Stafford’s line on the year but for 100 picks cheaper. And because I’m in a cussing mood, here’s your obligatory Ron Burgundy reference.
Josh Gordon – He was projected just behind Chris Givens and just a bit ahead of Vincent Brown. He’s currently the #1 wide receiver according to Yahoo rankings. And he was suspended the first 2 games of the season. This award could’ve gone to Alshon Jeffery too but when you’re the best, you’re making this list and I’m too damned lazy to make this longer than it has to be.
Julius Thomas – This award would’ve gone to Jordan Cameron but he found too many ways to suck ass the second half of the season to get this type of honor. And yes it IS an honor to be mentioned by me, you jackass, and don’t you forget it. Everyone loved the taste of Orange Julius this year who owned him.
LUMPS OF COAL – These are the players who had major upside and were called draft day sleepers that didn’t do eff all for anybody and could be dropped by the 4th week. I have a funny feeling Sky was high on all of them. Or he was just high. Probably both. And the ass didn’t even offer to share…
Montee Ball – You can’t talk about Knowshon without talking about this guy. You thought you were a straight baller when you drafted this guy, then you just realized you got balled by him. Actually Sky wasn’t high on this guy at all. He told you not to go Full Montee. I guess he doesn’t always suck at this after all.
Michael Vick – Hush your mouth about injuries. I know that you know that we know he lost his job outright. He was inconsistent and ran that offense poorly enough that he made himself expendable when an injury came about. He doesn’t get hurt, we just wait another week or two before a certain someone steps in and takes over. Now he’s begging to come back as the backup next year in Philly. It’s a tough economy, Vick. We all understand.
Hakeem Nicks – I swear every year this guy is supposed to be Kate Upton’s tits and ends up being Joan Rivers’ coochie. See, I can edit myself when I need to. Come to think of it, Sky got this one right too when he said he was Overrated. Still think he owes me a night out at the bars and a hooker with all her teeth for saying to take Doug Martin #1 and to sell Jimmy Graham, though.
Zach Sudfeld – Remember when he stepped in for Gronk to start the year and was a star? Remember when he filled the Aaron Hernandez void once Gronk returned? Remember that one time you had sex with Kate Beckinsale and it was the best, sweatiest, nastiest sex you’d ever had and it went on the internet and you became a porn star? You don’t remember any of that? It’s because it didn’t fucking happen! This was seriously the shittiest of all calls. This joke landed on most of my teams where I could’ve had Julius Thomas or heck even Jordan Cameron. A big middle finger to all of you who told me to take this schlub in the late rounds.
WHITE ELEPHANT PARTY – This list is comprised of guys you never thought you’d have on your team when the year started but when it was over, you’re glad you got them. There were plenty of surprise pick up guys. I’m only picking a few. Bite me if you don’t like it. Eh, fuck it. Bite me if you do. I’m into that.
Zac Stacy – I don’t know, maybe you drafted him. I sure as shit didn’t. I almost went with Rashad Jennings because he was so out of left field after a horrendous 2012 but Stacy got to play longer and was closer to tops in the league than Jennings when it was all said and done. Plus we all know the Raiders can run the ball. The Rams looked like it didn’t matter who got the rock back there. It was stumble to the line and hope for 2 or 3 yards at best most plays but Stacy came in and not only performed well but did it with Kellen Clemens as his QB whom I would call a game manager but that’s even a step up for him. It was a pretty murky pool in Saint Louis at RB once Daryl got brushed aside but Stacy rose above them all and then some.
Nick Foles – Ok, I’m cheating a bit. Foles was ranked pretty high because of the injury risk of Vick but c’mon, really? You didn’t draft this guy in standard leagues. RB handcuffs are bad enough, no one out there in their right mind was drafting a QB handcuff. And of course now Foles is probably gonna be a top 5 if not top 3 QB in 2014 drafts and you picked him up on a whim when Vick went down, probably streamed him for a game then dropped him after his clunker against Dallas. Cuz you’re a dumbass. I’m genuinely sorry about that, the booze is wearing off.
Keenan Allen – Maybe he didn’t shine as brightly as the two I’ve already mentioned but what can I say? Go eff yourself, you’re getting greedy if you needed or expected more from him. He still is gonna finish in the top 20 at his position and didn’t really start until about week 4 or 5. Who do you think I am, your mother? You go do the research if you wanna find out, I’m busy writing this shit.
Jordan Reed – It’s TE, what the hell do you want from me? I can’t help it he went to the Aaron Hernandez school of nicks and dings. He can’t stay healthy and won’t stay healthy in the future but you picked him up when he was near a top 5 TE choice and probably while Gronk was coming back slower than you wanted/expected. Be thankful you got him for as long as you did, you greedy little bastard.
RETURN POLICY – These are the ones that let us down via injury. You can’t account for that type of problem…well, unless you’re drafting Darren McFadden but who’s fault is that? Seriously, I won’t hear any of your tears over that mess, you did it to yourself. These are the guys that changed the scope of a team’s season with on snap of the wrist, twist of the knee, or break of the head.
Arian Foster – You can’t ever predict injuries but c’mon, we all knew he was going at a discount in drafts for a reasonable reason, right? He was coming off a heavy workload from 2012 and just as it looked like he was about to turn the corner after a rough start, he shat on the rest of your season on week 7 and was never heard from again. But at least you drafted Ben Tate in the 6th or 7th round, right? Yeah, that paid dividends.
Julio Jones – Jones was on pace for 131 receptions on 189 targets, 1,856 yards and 6 TDs. Sure, I wouldn’t have counted on that as an end line but it gives you an idea about what you missed out on the rest of the season after he didn’t come back for week 6 and beyond. But shit in one hand and wish in the other, see which gets filled first. It’s all moot and you got to watch Harry Douglas become a fantasy stud when in reality he’s just a slug.
Aaron Rodgers – At first it was just a ‘week to week’ thing, they said. Then it was a ‘he’ll be back in three weeks’ thing, they said. Then it was a constant checking of the Friday injury reports to see if the groundhog would see it’s fucking shadow for this weekend thing and it got more annoying than LeBron James’ ‘The Decision’ television spectacular thing. And in the end, you were stuck streaming Kirk Cousins and Chad Henne if you made the playoffs at all. Thanks, Green Bay Packers, for becoming the Patriots of Middle America.
Rob Gronkowski – Speaking of the Patriots…first we drafted him with the reports of his return being week 4 at the latest. Well the latest was week seven apparently because that’s what the Pats do to us. Then he gives a finishing move to your waiting for him all year going down week 14 in what was probably your first round of the championships if you were lucky enough to make it that far after starting the year with Zach Sudfeld. If that’s not piss in your sparkling cider, I don’t know what is.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this drunken, expletive-laden diatribe on both the good and the bad of this 2013 Fantasy Football season. I need another bottle of scotch. Who’s taking me to the local Quickie Mart? Don’t worry, you don’t have to drive. Just have to breathe into the steering wheel for me, I can handle it from there. May your season be merry and bright or some shit. I’m out.