Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed blog post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football as the world slides toward the end of another calendar year.
There is a recent report that states there is a strong possibility that Andy Reid will be the Cowboys coach next season. This would be fantastical. This would be like the most laughable and poop flavored football qualities of Jason Garrett and Wade Phillips combined. And alas, the only protection from such a catastrophic event has failed. It appears that the Cowboys fan’s petition for President Obama to remove Jerry Jones did not receive the attention it so deserved. Unless our President decides to go Osama all up in Dallas and have Seal Team Six infiltrate Cowboys Stadium to extract Double-J-izzle.
But let’s get to the game that was described by many to be an epic divisional derpfect storm, like two retarded clowns trying to stab each other into at least 3 orifices with balloon swords. Was there any possible way this game was going to be a watchable one? Well, stranger things have happened… Charlie Batch beating the Ravens as per example. It’s a shame in today’s economy that senior citizens need to work.
A Romo collapse seemed like a good bet, except the Eagles were in town. So the game commenced, and besides flags being thrown every 3 seconds, giving the ref’s Eliarm, the event overall was surprisingly good until only the last few minutes. In fact, Andy Reid’s first three plays of the game did not involve calling timeouts. Go figure.
PHI – 33, DAL – 38
Tony Romo – Romo learned his backhanded shovel pass growing up watching Brett Favruh. Brett usually completed it though. I think Romo could be a really good quarterback if he, you know, didn’t suck so bad sometimes. But there’s nothing like getting the ole ‘Romo is turning the corner’ talk going like playing the Eagles secondary. 22-27/303/3-0.
Nick Foles – Oh, so this Folases guy is better than Trent Edwards? Wow. Collinsworth knew about Foles before it was cool to know about Foles! 22-34/251/1-0.
Bryce Brown – With 5:38 left in the first quarter, Iggles took Dallas to Browntown. Had some charm with Browndown2 midway in the 2nd quarter. Can you anticipate the speed of a 4.3 something-whatever? YOU CAN’T. He’s described as being slippery and exciting. Sounds like an allegory for anal. But like the Panthers game, fumbled late in the 4th as expected. Perhaps don’t hold the ball as if it were on fire. The Derplander! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE! 24/169/2 and 4/14/0.
DeMarco Murray – What’s a Blake Shelton, and how does it get a Family Christmas? Is Blake Shelton what you what you get as an adult if you had chicken pox as a kid? 23/83/1 and 4/19/0.
Dez Bryant – Dez did a good? Looks like someone remembered how to catch a ball. On his 4th quarter Bryantdown, I think DRC asked if his mother was a prostitute. Or was DRC actually replaced by Dez’s mother? See what I did there? I could have just gone one way, but I wanted to give you both ways. Enjoy. 6/98/2.
Miles Austin – So this Miles Austin guy looks pretty decent. Anyone ever heard of him before? 2/46/1.
Riley Cooper – That Papa John’s commercial tells me that the experimental neck surgery made Pey-pey hear double. 2/31/1.
Jason Witten – Don’t you touch my spleen! I just had it repainted. 6/108/0.
Brent Celek – Yay people who needed Celek to get half a point to win their fantasy games. 7/73/0.
DAL DEF – Nothin’ like a night in Cowboys Stadium to make the Eagles look competent. Oh, secondary still needs non-suckage to occur. 1 Sack, 1 TD.
PHI DEF – I agree with Andy Reid. Linebackers are an unimportant part of football. Speaking of Walrus, how do the Eagles pay Andy Reid now that Twinkies are no longer being produced? Oh, wait, never-mind. Cheese-whiz is still around. So, yeah. Who is Witten? Signed, Eagles D. At least Coleman finally helped out the Eagles secondary by getting injured in the 4th. 2 Sacks, 0 TD’s.
So yeah, the big take-away from the game last night was The Hobbit is coming. The Hobbit: We took a book this big (holds fingers 1/2 inch apart) and turned into three movies. Why beat a dead horse? They killed plenty during the filming anyhow. So I’ll see you folks for the DET vs GB game. Meta World Peace folks.