Greetings! Today, I write to you from the uncomfortable seat of an Alaskan Airlines coach seat. That’s right, I’m headed to Maui, where I hope to relax, get a savage tan, and bust more nuts than Alvin and the Chipmunks at Thanksgiving. [Jay’s Note: I hope you’re staying in Kihei. Like a second home for me…] If you happen to follow me on Twitter, I’ll be posting daily pictures and trust me, you’re going to want to see this… Actually, you might hate me if you don’t already, but when you’re a professional fantasy football writer/thong model, you get to experience some pretty cool things. I just pray Ralph Lifshitz’s wife is able to meet me as planned, as it’s where we first met and created Ralph’s first child. Who am I kidding, she wouldn’t miss it for the world. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
I am Tehol Beddict and this is Start ‘Em and Sit ‘Em! Take Heed!
Start ‘Em
Matt Ryan – Though it seems like Matty Spice ( so… tell me what you want, what you really really want), has tea-bagged his owners for weeks on end, he hasn’t been THAT bad. I blame the ineptitude of the now washed up Roddy White and the inconsistency of Leonard Hankerson, who seemingly hasn’t done an effing thing for a month. This seems almost impossible considering Julio Jones is probably being triple teamed on every snap. Oh, I almost forgot to mention the fact that Atlanta, for reasons I’m not aware of, has refused to address the tight end situation for consecutive seasons. In an offense where Tony Gonzalez was used more than a Kardashian at NBA all-star weekend, this is confusing. Either way, Tampa Bay just allowed Kirk Cousins to go HAM and eggs on that ass (LIKE I PREDICTED), so I’m assuming Ryan SHOULD be a top-5 option this week.
Cam Newton – Do I need to explain this to you… or nah? Kay, I’m on a six hour flight right now, so might as well spew some wordage on you fine folks. The undefeated Panthers get the Colts at home this week on Monday Night Football, you know, a defense arguably softer than Roseanne’s son, and I for one, expect more Supermanning than one would witness at a month-like stay at Souljah Boy’s crib. I’ll never forget Cam’s LONE season at Auburn, the one where he single handedly carried his team to a National title. I’ve honestly NEVER seen anything like it in my lifetime. Dude’s a gamer, so stop the hate. I’m talking to you, Sage Rosenfels.
Ben Roethlisberger – You’re not honestly scurred of starting Benny Blanco in his first game back from injury against the undefeated Bengals, are you? Don’t trip, my goodmen. I expect more bombs dropped from Ben in this game than Oprah after a gorging at Old Country Buffet. P.S. Martavis Bryant is a top-20, and possibly top-15 wide out every single week from here on out. This offense is about to get legendary, and Bryant is Elder blessed in every sense of the words. ESPN had him at like 52 in their flex rankings and I almost wrote them a twelve page hate letter. And that was before they deaded Grantland. Morons.
Marshawn Lynch – Who’s more G than Beastmode…? Greg Hardy…? Maybe…..aaahhkaaaay, probably, but still, with Russell Okung out for Seattle’s already atrocious offensive line, the run game is going to play a major part in this upcoming victory. Who’s going to block Hardy though… I don’t care what anyone says about Hardy’s on-field outbursts, the dude is probably the best overall 4-3 defensive end in football. Either way, the rest of the Cowboys run defense scares me about as much as a freshly neutered shitzu. Expect a 100-yard plus day with at least one score.
Justin Forsett – Say one thing about the San Diego Chargers’ run defense, it has let more men deeply penetrate it than Lindsay Lohan. I am curious to see if the Ravens begin giving Buck Allen more carries, you know, because the Ravens season is officially over and all. But still, Forsett has looked real solid lately, and I’m going to continue to ride the wave cuz I’m a sucker for hot running backs… errrrrr.
Michael Floyd – As I mentioned last week, Floyd has a great size/speed combo and he’s now fully healthy and showing why he was once a top-15 overall pick. I also guaranteed he’d score last week, but I’m not here to brag about how intelligent and good looking I am. Totally not my style. Anyway, John Brown is supposedly doubtful for this contest, making Floyd a must start and a probable top 15-20 receiver.
Roddy White – I’m almost certain I insulted White earlier in this post, buuuuuuut, while smoking peyote with the Elders, they made blatantly clear that hot-rod was going to hit pay dirt against Tampa Bay. Who am I to argue with the Gods? I may be their chosen son, but until you’ve had barbed fish hook lodged in your scrotum, don’t speak to me of discipline. The Elder Gods make Adrian Peterson look like Mother Teresa, and that’s the realest shizz I ever wrote.
Ladarius Green – Yeah, I get it, the Ravens are great against opposing tight ends… Actually, I don’t get it; This defense is hot rhino excrement and I just watched Jermaine Gresham, of all people, look like a hall of famer against them. Don’t get it twisted, Green is all about that hog life and the chances of him not scoring are about as my testosterone count after a cycle.
St. Louis Rams defense – I would have mentioned another defense, as this one is too obvious to even mention, but I just didn’t see many I liked. Obviously, I believe the Seahawks are a great option against Matt Cassel, but Kaepernick has been absolutely inept against quality opponents thus far. Oh, and did I mention that Carlos Hyde is missing the game? Ughhhh, this one could uglier than John McCain’s diaper after hitting Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
Sit ‘Em
Collin Kaepernick – Remember that time your chick/man finally agreed to attempt anal for the first time (supposedly) and when you pulled your “D” out it had traces of excrement on the shaft? You never looked at her/him again the same, did you? Well that’s how I feel about Kaep after witnessing the Hawks take turns demolishing what’s left of his manhood. Yep, Kaepernick is the sh*t on your d*ck… I’m really too much, aren’t I. I’m crying right now. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he finds himself amusing. And that’s important.
Russell Wilson – I was thinking about placing Wilson in my Start section, that is, until I found out that the Seahawks ONLY decent offensive lineman, left tackle Russell Okung, is going to miss the contest. Don’t be surprised if you see Hardy’s 12 incher imprint on Wilson’s tailbone pad after this one’s over. I’m seriously concerned for RW’s health and hope they just run the ball all day and handle business on defense. Drink that Jesus water and stay blessed, Russ.
Ameer Abdullah – As I told you 500 times, Abdullah is nowhere near close to being an every down back in the NFL, especially when playing behind a soft-ass offensive line. Many of you were caught up in the hype and I feel awful about the pain and anguish you’ve had to endure since Week 1. I suppose Cooter could fix everything though, so there’s that. Chiefs have been nice against the run lately, so prepare yourself of another dud.
Latavius Murray – I’m Murray’s biggest fan, but the Jets run defense is excellent inside the tackles which is where seemingly all of Murray’s runs end up going. The Raiders are at home, and Murray is a special talent, so I’m not saying it’s impossible for him to break a long one off, just unlikely. I’m actually hoping I’m wrong here. I love feeding the black hole.
Andre Johnson – I assumed Johnson was just getting accustomed to a new system or battling some nagging injury or something, but dude looks more washed up than Christian Slater. It’s sad to say and frankly I don’t understand it as he was solid last season. Oh well. I could care less.
Travis Benjamin – I’m not feeling this match-up whatsoever as I feel the Cardinals are better equipped to handle the little guy who runs like a meth’d out jack rabbit. Patrick Peterson and the Honey Badger should be able to put the clamps on him.
Owen Daniels – Until Peyton proves he doesn’t have what seems like BY FAR the most disgraceful arm in the NFL, I’m not even considering starting Daniels. There’s always a shot at a short touchdown, but I’d say that this week, you’d have better odds of finding the white suit Ray Lewis was wearing on that night of that double homicide. Snitches get stitches.
Texans Defense – I’d rather have genital warts and have it burn when I pee than be a Houston Texans fan in 2015. I said weeks ago that O’Brien needs to be fired. This is not a rebuilding project. I REPEAT, this is NOT a rebuilding project. This team chose to go in a different direction at quarterback and I don’t believe it was necessarily the worst move EVER, but it certainly hasn’t helped. Also, this was an extremely solid defense last season, and ADDED the NUMBER ONE overall pick from last season to their defensive line, a healthy Brian Cushing, and another first rounder at cornerback. I’m so confused. There’s absolutely no excuse for this hot garbage. I could be wrong (no internet on flight), but I believe the Texans were a top-5 fantasy defense last season. All they lost was Brooks Reed, and PLEASE don’t attempt to tell me he’s a game changer, for I will locate you, hunt you down and make your life a living hell. Even ZACK METTENBERGER, who I despise and don’t respect in any way, shape or form, will get balls deep in their asses, and that’s just a fact of life. So swallow it.
Thanks for joining me for another edition of Start Em’, Sit Em’. As per usual it was an absolute pleasure. I apologize for missing you earlier this week but I had some last minute bachelorette parties to strip at. Please leave all your comments and questions below and I’ll do my best to answer them all up until game time. REMEMBER, I will be in Maui, and the games start at like 6 AM here, so you’re gonna want to get your questions in on Saturday. That is, unless I run into Rumor Willis again. In that case I’ll more than likely have her blowing lines of the dillsnick all night, so I’ll be up. I believe she’s staying next door to me so I suppose the odds are fairly high. I’ll let you know how it goes. Stay blessed.
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