It’s a material world and I’m a material girl…wait, strike that. What I meant to say was it’s a passing league and I’m a fantasy…hrm, pig? Say it like you’re Ren, you eeedeeot! Yeah, all I’m trying to say here is it’s no surprise with how dramatically the passing side of the league has changed that the wide receivers have become an easier commodity to bank on from week to week and may create a different way to look at things moving forward in terms of how we draft. But of course, that’s not what this post is about. It’s more about finding out what rhymes with league. Seriously, google dat chit. WTF is a ‘Schmeig’? It’s not even on urban dictionary and if anything belongs on the UD, it’s Schmeig…wait, that’s not really what this post is about either. We’re here to look back at this year’s crop of wide receivers and see how the dust settled on their season. So without more ado, let’s review. Here are the Top 20 Wide Receivers from the 2013 Fantasy Football Season…

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I hate to talk ill of you on the last read of the season, I really do. I only dole out tough love when tough love is due but I think this situation is ripe for it. You shouldn’t really care about what I’m typing right now. Ok, ok, ok, I’m alright if you care because your championship is two weeks long. Not perfect but it is reasonable. But really, even in a week 17 in which games actually mattered, the fantasy football season should not be judged by the scoring leader board we got this week. Sure, LeGarrette Blount has slowly worked is way into the cockles of Belichick’s heart over the course of the season. Really let’s face facts, though; Bill’s been looking for a BenJarvus Green-Ellis impersonator since day one. Congrats, Billy boy, looks like you found your man. Blount finished with 189 rushing yards and 2 TDs on the day and 334 all purpose yards to set a Patriots franchise record and the 11th most in NFL history. That’s a pretty wild day and great if you had it on your team…but really? Did you come into 2013 saying ‘I can’t wait to sit Jamaal Charles and start Blount’? Even in a week where there were so many important games on Sunday, it was still an odd fantasy day overall as we’ll cover a bit…and by that I mean drill bit. I’m gonna drive this point home people! But for serious, I’m happy for you and Ima let you finish but week 16 championships are the great of all time…OF ALL TIME! Ok, I’m done lambasting you…for now. Here’s what else I saw from the final week of the season for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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A wise, ancient pop song proverb once read, ‘Just when I thought our chance had passed, you go and save the best for last’. On the night of what could be the final game played in Candlestick park, a player that has been pretty much a fantasy afterthought all season since his big week 1 finally came through for his owners when they needed him most. Or maybe those owners had finally moved on from him and grabbed Nick Foles or something. Or maybe because of him they’re on the outside looking into this championship season. Whatever the situation is, Colin Kaepernick has been a bit of a fantasy albatross all year. You couldn’t drop him because you had so few guys to drop him for but you sure couldn’t start him with confidence most weeks. Putting Colin in your starting lineup required more than one or two drops of courage from his owners on a weekly basis. He has definitely not been the guy we all thought we were drafting when he was going off the boards around QB6 for the year. To his credit, he hasn’t been playing with his offense at full steam as he was missing Crabs terribly but that’s also a knock on him: there are plenty of good QBs who can get it done without having major key components. So on the one hand, I’m recognizing the deck was stacked a bit against him but on the other I feel it necessary to point out the flaws because they’re pretty glaring. He needs playmakers in order to be effective. You can’t just sub in Andre Caldwell and expect magic from Colin so keep that tucked away for future ideas when drafting this guy. That said, when the cylinders are clicking, it’s hard to not like the end result. Colin finished the night and possibly Candlestick off with a fantasy flourish going 13/21 for 197 yards passing, 51 yards rushing and two total touchdowns with one coming on the ground as he finished week 16 as the 4th highest scoring QB and with a reminder of what he can do when given the right setup. If he won you your league, good on you. If he sunk your battleship before you even got to play this crazy playoff game well, there’s always next year…and Fantasy Baseball! Sorry, couldn’t resist. I’m bi-fantasexual. I used to be tri but I don’t have time for Fantasy Basketball anymore as much as I liked it. I’ve only played Fantasy Hockey once so I have very little reference to it…and yet I keep just adding links pointlessly just to see if I can hyperlink hypnotize you into clicking. Is it working yet? Yeah, didn’t think so. Either way, just trying to spread the word that we aren’t just Fantasy Football around here. And for those who follow Razzball and are worried about missing my beautiful, grainy face, you can catch me on the baseball side in a limited capacity all year and I’ll still be over here churning out Fantasy Football like the Amish make butter. Now I’m feeling like I’m having my OWN personal final Candlestick moment…I told myself I wouldn’t cry! And I wouldn’t have if it weren’t for my damn Uncle. That is some rank gas! Damn the Holidays and not having a guest bedroom! Ok, let’s get this show over with. Here’s what else I saw for Monday Night Football from week 16 of the Fantasy Football season…oops, PS I MIGHT not get those week 17 rankings out to you until Friday. We’ve got some, as they say, babies to shake and hands to kiss…or something. Look, just realize the rankings will come out but maybe it’ll be Friday and maybe it’ll be Thursday. Look, if I can be flexible, so can you. Now on with it…

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I guess this is the part of the review where I open with being impressed, right? Where I shine the light on the best player in the game and point out his virtues and then back it up with the stat line for proof. But the thing is, I don’t think I have it in me to misrepresent the facts. You see, tonight the cake was a lie. Sure, the end line for Colin Kaepernick looked nice: 15/24 for 235 and 3 passing TDs to go with 20 yards rushing. If that were on my team, I wouldn’t turn it down at all. Heck, I’d marry that end line even if it were my half-sister…sorry, lost in a few leagues this week. My desperation levels for a win knows no bounds sometimes. Take that Blue Lagoon! I just one-upped you in nastiness. And when did Brooke Shields become a man? I was not privy to this change…nevertheless, all we’re talking about is stats when we look at that Kaep end line. What we don’t talk about is game flow, defensive game plan and the quick response. The first three drives by SF took a total of 4 minutes, 22 seconds and showed how the ‘skins planned to attack SF. They told the 49ers they were gonna sell out on the run and make Kaepernick pass for the win. But when you give up as much on the ground as Washington does fantasy wise – 2nd most according to ESPN heading into Monday – and you’re still one of the worst against the pass (5th worst against opposing QBs), you’ve got to draw a line in the sand somewhere and say what you’re going to target in a game. And pretty much, the ‘skins dictated that if the 49ers were going to beat them, they’d have to do it through the air by stacking the box and Kaep said ‘thank you for this opportunity’. In reality, this game was no less mistake-laden than other Colin performances have been this year, it was simply masked by an inferior opponent and game flow so now, everyone is going to be talking about Kaep bicep kisses for a week. Well, consider me not one of them. I still think Kaep can be great but I’ve seen a timid and unsure Colin one too many times this year when the first read doesn’t go his way. Consider this a warning, Kaep owners: Washington is the worst at seemingly everything on defense and yet they decided to let Kaep try and beat them. Not something that would make me confident moving forward. In other news from MNF for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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So I finally got to watching Flight last night, and I love the way it made me think of fantasy.  Mostly because most of my teams make me want to go on one of those Denzel benders.  But seriously, I loved the tie in of flight or flight.  The majority of owners with bad teams flight it away and don’t check their teams, however some of us fight it out, invert the plane and try to save our dignity.  As much as I tried to skirt past with the lies and manipulation (“my team sucks because everyone got hurt!”), I finally fessed up, got a lot of courage and purported “I drafted bad, I managed bad week one, I managed bad week two, I’m managing bad now!”  And with a little bit of good fortune and waiver wire moves, I turned a 14-teamer where I drafted in order (and this is no joke) Ray Rice, Stephen Jackson, Randall Cobb, Marques Colston, Ryan Mathews, Daryl Richardson, T.Y. Hilton (that one worked!), Kenbrell Thompkins and Michael Vick into an actual playoff contending team.  None of those guys I was particularly high on – just how the draft played out – and through a series of moves and pickups I’m 4-6 and a game out of the playoffs.  Fight!  This is a pivotal week for me and I’m sure a lot of teams in Razzball Nation as we start getting into the playoff push crunch time.

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MFer I’m a monster in this game, similar to the Lochness. My writing’s nappy rooted, all my pieces have a process. Greetings all! Tis I, Beddict, back with more fantasy football goodness, and boy am I excited tonight. No, not because Chris Johnson scored 2 TDs on Thursday night football, but for the reason that more biblical fairy tales are being turned into movies. If you’re anything like me, you’ve been hungrily awaiting a Passion of the Christ sequel. We aren’t receiving that YET, but it’s bound to happen some day right. We can always count on Uncle Mel to deliver us the classics. Instead we get my main man Russell Crowe in the blockbuster, Noah, and man does it look scrumptious. While it doesn’t have Gibson’s maniacal touch, it does reunite Crowe with Jennifer Connelly as they, with God’s help, wipe the face of the earth of all other human life. The Elder Gods laugh hysterically about these children’s tails but one has to wonder how Hollywood has waited so long to turn these fascinating works of fiction into billion dollar hits. This is only the beginning as we should soon expect big budget pictures about Peter walking on water, the Ethiopian in the desert, the stoning of Stephen, Moses and the parting of the Red Sea, Daniel in the lion’s den, and the aforementioned Christ sequel. I for one am praying on a trilogy depicting the battle of David and Goliath, Hobbit style. Peter Jackson would be a perfect fit in bringing these storybooks to life and if the Gods will it, Elijah Wood could even play the role of David. Hollywood is sitting on a goldmine and we are the main benefactors. Rejoice!

I should probably now write something regarding football since that’s why they pay me the big bucks. Let’s lead off with John Carlson since he seemingly returned from the dead like Jesus Christ himself. Take heed.

I should probably now write something regarding football since that’s why they pay me the big bucks. Let’s lead off with John Carlson since he seemingly returned from the dead like Jesus Christ himself. Take heed.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m looking across my lineups this week, and I’m feeling like my teams’ narratives  are like The Other Guys.  My Samuel L. and the Rock who were guns blazin’ and taking care of business have gone down to ridiculous injuries, and I’ve got to go with the wild card play of the cop who shot Derek Jeter, then the lanky cop with the crazy Gator past (no not Aaron Hernandez!) to try and fill in.  Marlon Brown last week got me my first desk pop!  Those TDs were nice.  So I’m hoping to be your Michael Keaton and get the police unit to work together, while also trying to keep my Bed Bath & Beyond profitable and my employees from chasing waterfalls.

Going back to last week’s picks, Marlon Brown actually won me a league last week!  I liked that one.  Terrelle Pryor and Josh McCown gave you solid games as deep QB plays, and Le’Veon Bell also was very solid.  My very deep Myles White call was more for James Jones behind hypothetically out, then the Aaron Rodgers injury made things worse, but a loss nonetheless.  For my benchers, Matt Ryan was awful and I indeed got the Vincent Jackson bench right!  I feel like I’ve missed on VJax 4-5 times over the past 2 years.  Fred Jackson was a wash, but Tom Brady and Danny Amendola had huge games.  My bad on that one, I knew the Steelers D was bad, but didn’t think the Pats O would get it together.  Here’s who I like in week 10 and their % started in ESPN and Yahoo, respectively (NOTE – these are not always recommendations for 1-for-1 swaps, just guys I like who are understarted and guys I hate overstarted):

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So you need to find a temporary replacement for Aaron Rodgers huh? Is no one safe anymore? Luckily, there are some QBs with pretty solid matchups this week that might be available to you. Jake Locker plays Jacksonville and we all know how great Jacksonville has been this year. There’s also Eli Manning who plays against Oakland. I’m not saying he’s gonna light up Oakland like Nick Foles did this past weekend, but I’ve done some research on this Eli guy and it turns out he has two Super Bowl rings so he should be competent enough. Also, speaking of Foles, he’s still available in well over half of leagues out there and against a Green Bay team that has given up a lot of points this year and won’t have Aaron Rodgers to eat up the clock, Foles should have plenty of time to throw another 7 TDs, or at least maybe 3.

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Unfortunately I am not Bryan Cranston or Jessie Pinkman (he plays himself, right?) and I am not Breaking Bad.  Well I am in the Razzball Writer’s League!  Wait, by breaking bad I mean doing good.  Kinda the antithesis of my metaphor here.  Scrap that open – I’m too lazy to hold down delete though…

Whilst I break bad in the Razzball Writer’s league, I’m looking at a 4-1 then two 3-2 and two 2-3 teams.  I know you’re yelling at your computer, “I don’t care about JB’s leagues!”  But what I’m trying to get at is that week 6 is right when I want to be sure I’m breaking mediocrity.  If I’m below .500 heading into week 6 it means I’m 2-4 and probably toast.  Or 1-5 or 0-6, and only consuming alcohol.  So in those two 2-3 record leagues, I’m staring down the barrel of some really horrible matchups.  I feel like the Jags this week.

And if you’re looking for one the absolute sweetest blue ice fantasy contests this weekend, DraftKings still has an exclusive double up contest for us at Razzball that has a ton of spots open.  Easiest way to double your money you’ll find all weekend.  Unless of course, you want to risk working for Heisenberg – and by that I mean in ABQ not any of the RCL teams!  (Sky is going to get angry for using Breaking Bad references in my open since that’s his meth, isn’t he?  But I’m the one who knocks!)

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With Julio Jones likely out for the season, now might be a good time to take a gamble on Harry Douglas or make a trade for either Steven Jackson or Roddy White if you can get them. When an offensive weapon like that goes down, the surrounding cast all has to step up to the plate. They all come with question marks, but considering how disappointing Atlanta has been this year, there’s a chance you could get one of them for a relatively low price. That all being said, Atlanta is on bye this week so be sure to factor that into your decisions.

Please, blog, may I have some more?