Fantasy Football Advice

Gary Kubiak has bestowed the goalline carries to Chris Brown (and after what he did to Rihanna!).  This is very bad news.  I mean bad bad news for Steve Slaton. Bad Bad Chris Brown, baddest RB in the whole damn town, badder than old Howie Long, meaner than a pound of dogs.  And when I say bad, I mean fragile.  Brittle Brown has been injured early and often and this is what all Slaton owners are secretly and openly hoping for.  Slaton was a borderline first round pick and now he’s a second rounder.  It might behoove you to grab him if he drops, because Brown will get hurt, but don’t keep taking him in the first.

Bernard Scott: Bernie looks like he has taken over the #2 spot from Brian Leonard. It’s not set in stone, but Bernie is the better talent and should be the backup eventually, no matter how shiny Leonard gets Coach Lewis’ car. As long as Bernie can keep from punching any coaches he’s worth stashing on your bench. Wait, he punched a coach? Do you think he minds me calling him Bernie? Hmm . . . so Mr. Scott could easily start to cut into Cedric Benson’s carries and possibly more.

Jonathan Stewart: He’s still nursing his achilles tendon and looks like he might not be ready to go for the opener.  This makes my (I am boycotting the term man-crush for the foreseeable future) uh, guy infatuation with DeAngelo Williams less creepy, well, maybe not less creepy, but more productive for my fantasy punditry.

Brandon Marshall: Latest trade rumor: Chris Henry to Dallas for a percentage of all the alcohol consumed during drinking games based on punts hitting the jumbotron and Miles Austin, Chris Chambers and the San Diego Chicken to Cincinnati for Austin and Ochocinco’s copyright to “child please,” then the Cincinnati Chicken and Laveranues Coles to Denver for Brandon Marshall and John Elway’s horse teeth. (more…)

Tony Romo: Romopson has split.  Or Simpomo.  Whatever.  They are no longer.  Simpson tweets, “Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you.”  This would be a good time for the class to turn their textbooks to “mixed metaphor.”

I know this really shouldn’t change much on the field, but without TO and Simpson and all the distractions they bring, it is hard to imagine this can’t help Romo at least a little. He has to be a little tired of all the talk of choking and vacationing and other -ings.  This is the year he needs to prove himself and I think he has a chance.  Look for Roy Williams and Jason Witten to benefit.

Derrick Mason: He says he’s retiring, which would be a big blow to the Ravens and Flacco.  This story is still in development.  Rumors are flying around about why, but the bottom line is the Ravens need Mason this year.

Michael Turner: “You can’t run 370 times a season,” according to offensive coordinator Mike Mularkey.  I don’t know if that’s an absolute, but I do know I average about ten runs a year and they usually coincide with downpours and the El.  So The Burner won’t be burning quite as much as last year which makes sense in reality, but us here in fantasyland don’t care if they run Mr. Burner into the ground as long as his decline doesn’t start until next season!  You can probably drop Turner down half a notch, but I don’t see this revelation changing much.

Bubba Franks: Cut by the Jets for having too old school of name and legs.

Michael Crabtree: Was brought to tears by Mike Singletary.  Reports are that Singletary found yet another chance to drop his pants.

Matt Cassel: Inks a 6 year 63 million dollar deal.  There is a lot to like about the system Cassel will be working in, but a lot to dislike about his new team.  He can be a good fantasy backup since the Chiefs will probably be playing from behind (think Thigpen).

Alex Smith/Shaun Hill: Singletary says he will wait until the third preseason game to name the starting QB.  We all hope this announcement comes pants on.

There aren’t many fantasy options in San Fran, but Frank Gore’s production will be tied to how well one of these two play.  I can’t say I’m overly optimistic.

Tarvaris Jackson: May demand a trade if and when Favre signs.  Is this before or after he is cut?

Antonio Bryant: The Bucs didn’t give Bryant a new deal so he’ll be a free agent after this season.  He had a break out season last year, but with a new coach and the four-headed monster McLeftFreeson at QB, he will have trouble repeating last year.  His contract situation should get him ready to play so I’m not losing all hope, but I’m waiting to see how the QB situation shakes out.

Brian Robiskie: The Browns’ rookie looks to be the front runner for the #2 wide receiver slot behind Braylon Edwards.  With the Browns looking to play just above horrible this season he probably won’t have much fantasy value, but there are worse things than being the #2 WR on the Browns.  I’m drawing a blank.

The League: A new comedy on F/X that revolves around a group of friends who play fantasy football together in the suburbs of Chicago.  It will be semi-improvised and directed by Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Jeff Schaffer.  Y0u know you’ll watch it.