NFL: Philadelphia Eagles at Chicago Bears

If you have been following our weekly Handcuff Reports and reading them carefully (as I am sure you have been), you may have noticed this little gem that I wrote last week:

“After pass-catcher Ka’Deem Carey went down with a hamstring injury, Jordan Howard entered the game and actually looked pretty good. If Langford continues to struggle, look for Howard to get some more chances. If you are in a deep league, add Howard to your watch list.”

Well, I hope you skipped the watch list and went right to adding him on waivers. And if you did, if you were the person in your league who pulled the early trigger on Jordan Howard thanks to reading this article, then you had a really good Monday. You probably woke up on Monday morning, checked your league news and your team (I am assuming here that no one bothered to watch most of that beatdown), and saw the Jeremy Langford injury news. Then you probably took a sip of your coffee, sat back, smiled, looked at the rest of the teams in your league and said:

I’ma be all right. I’m straight… Sergio gonna be fine! F*ck a recession… I own 21 Cookaroos. Ya’ll don’t own one Cookaroo. Not one… Ya’ll are f*cked. Ya’ll are f*******cked!

Okay, now that we got the world’s longest Get Him to the Greek reference out of the way, let’s get back to business. Jeremy Langford left this week’s game against the Cowboys early and did not return, and it has since been reported that he has a severe high ankle sprain and could miss up to six weeks. After Langford left the game, Jordan Howard rushed for 45 yards on nine carries (5 YPC) and added four catches for 47 yards. With the aforementioned Ka’Deem Carey also nursing an injury of his own, Jordan Howard could be in for a full workload for the next six weeks. And if he has success in Langford’s absence, he could very well take the starting job or turn this situation into a timeshare. Even if Carey comes back quickly, he will be the receiving back on passing downs, while Howard should get the start and the majority of the touches. Jordan Howard is going to be one of the most-added players on waivers this week, so get your claims in before Thursday morning. But, alas, this is the Handcuff Report and not just the Jordan Howard report, so let’s get to the rest of the league!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Do you remember how amazing Bo Jackson was? He was dominant, the next big thing, and then… his knee exploded and he never recovered. Career over before it truly ever got off the ground. That’s sort of what this fantasy season is starting to feel like.

Two weeks into the year and it’s already survival of the fittest. Most everyone is dealing with the same stuff: at least a dozen running backs are hurt (highlighted this week by Adrian Peterson’s knee injury), Julio Jones and Brandon Marshall are banged up, and names like Rodgers, Gurley, and Beckham are performing woefully below expectations. So, to lighten the mood from this misery, we bring you the latest episode of The Dream League…

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Well, that got ugly fast. And I’m not just talking about this week’s Jaguars – Chargers game. That was an entirely different level of ugly. This week is why so many people have been adopting the zero RB strategy when drafting. They don’t want to risk taking a running back early because of the chance of injury, and they know they will be able to watch the waiver wire and read my handcuff report in order to get a running back or two during the season. If you play fantasy football, there is a good chance one of your running backs got hurt this week. If you drafted Adrian Peterson around the 2nd round or Danny Woodhead or Ameer Abdullah a few rounds later, this was not your week. If you went zero RB or waited a bit too long for running backs like I did in a few of my leagues, this is the week you were waiting for. As far as we know right now, though, Woodhead is the only back to go down who is definitely out for the year. The other two question marks are AP and Abdullah. Neither has a timetable for their return right now. Everyone else should be back in a couple weeks.

Anyway, let’s get to it… 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Was it just me, or were running backs pretty disappointing during the first week? It could just be me. My weekend consisted of a bachelor party and watching the games at a bar in New Jersey on Sunday sandwiched between two three-hour flights.  Sure, there were good performances, but overall it left me feeling validated that I targeted wide receivers in the early rounds over running backs whenever possible. Anyway, here we are with the week two handcuff, which I guess is technically the first full handcuff report. If you didn’t already know, I will be writing the handcuff report this year, and it should be available every Wednesday morning. With this being the first week of games, we will have to try and determine which performances we can expect to see repeated and which ones we are less likely to see repeated on a regular basis.

Those of who you took David Johnson early are feeling pretty good right now. Those of you who took Todd Gurley are probably feeling slightly less good. If you grabbed a bunch of talent in the first few rounds and then snatched up C.J. Anderson and Ameer Abdullah, you probably won your matchup this week. But those guys are all RB1s, and we hate them here because we are more worried about the scrubs who can steal some points in the coming weeks.

Okay, here we go…

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The kickoff to the regular season is fast approaching which means your Week 1 fantasy matchup is also just around the corner.  Whether you’ve already drafted or your league waits until the last possible minute, there are key injuries you need to keep in mind when setting your lineups for Week 1 and thinking about your championship strategy.  With that in mind, here are a few key players with injuries you’ll want to watch…

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Greetings and welcome to another NFL season and, more importantly, another Fantasy Football season. And even more importantly, welcome to the 2016 Razzball Handcuff Report! And despite the direction of the current NFL, we will not be tracking the players who get arrested every week or the players who Roger Goodell would like to put in handcuffs (hint: all of them). Instead, we will cover the best and worst handcuff options for fantasy football on a weekly basis… For the 2016 season, I, obviously, will be handling the Handcuff Report, which will be posted every Wednesday. For those of you who read my Frankencatcher articles over on the baseball side of things, this will be pretty similar. Also, to everyone who followed my advice and rolled with J.T. Realmuto this year, you’re welcome. I wish you the best of luck in your league’s playoffs.

So, first things first: what exactly is handcuff? For the fantasy football n00bs out there, or perhaps for those who have taken the last few years off, a handcuff is a backup who will likely take over as the starter in the event of an injury, extreme ineffectiveness, off-the-field trouble, or coach’s decision. There are probably other reasons that I am forgetting here, but those are the most common ones…

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Welcome back to this week’s “Depp Impact”, where we analyze famous Johnny Depp cameos and how they affected the films he appeared in. Let’s start with 21 Jump Street, a surprisingly funny romp in which Depp, wearing more prosthetics than an amputee convention, joined Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this will instead be another Deep Impact, our weekly look at those options deep league players should be targeting. We’re entering the stretch run for drafting, so let’s take another look at some players you should be looking to scoop up in the last rounds before Week 1.

Hey speaking of drafts, there are still some spots left in our RCLs! Get in there quick before it fills up, so you can all compete for second place to yours truly. Now that the shameless plug is out of the way, let’s get to some names. Keeping with last week’s format, we’ll look at guys currently going after pick 180. If you’re only playing 10- or 12-team leagues, these players are at best people you should keep an eye out on. I caught flak in some corners of the internet last week for mentioning Jay Cutler’s name because mouthbreathers struggle with reading comprehension, and didn’t understand that if you’re late in the draft of a deep league, there is at least one glaring flaw causing these guys to be available…

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AFC-WEST

So wait… You mean to tell me that we’re only a few weeks away from real, live concussion filled NFL action? Where did the time go? Anyway, for those of you not familiar with my work, which would include everyone not in my immediate family, I’m Mike Honcho and I’m usually pontificating on baseball this time of the year. However, it’s hard to say no to the persuasive ways of Unbreakable MB and Jay Wrong. They’re like the Razzball version of “Brazilian security guards” at a gas station at 6 A.M. – You just can’t say no! So here I am, ready to tell you how the AFC West will unfold in 2016. How will Denver cope without America’s favorite “Non-PED using” quarterback? Can Derek Carr take the next step and lead the Raiders to the postseason? Did Andy Reid serve his 15 hours of community service for habitual clock-management violations? Finally, can Phillip Rivers generate enough excitement for the dozens of Chargers fans in San Diego? Theses questions and more (well, not much more) will be answered below. I’ll list the teams in order of predicted finish and give you a few helpful nuggets to help you navigate the choppy waters of fantasy draft season. Join me, won’t you?

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Good afternoon, ladies and gents, convicts and inmates, and all you sassy little pervs in between. It’s me, your gorgeous and ever so present Fantasy Football Goddess, here for your reading pleasure. How have you all been since my valiant return last week? I would expect your lives to once again have meaning and (for a majority of you) to have rekindled your passionate love for me. It’s understandable. I am one in a million. Quite a few of you seem to have remembered how awesome I am as per your comments section from last week’s article, and I thank you for all of the love. The season is crawling closer and, as promised, I am back to give you some more things to think about (other than picturing me in compromising positions). Are you as excited as I am? I doubt that. There is nothing I enjoy more than whipping men, in fantasy football, that is. But enough about me and what I enjoy doing in my spare time. Let’s cut the foreplay, turn those lights back down, bust out the “Cosby Cocktails” with a little extra sump’in, sump’in in them, and get down to business. Ask and ye shall receive, and what’s better than receiving, right? Here you go my loyal horde. Hit it or Quit it, Preseason Edition, Vol. 2.

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Well hello again, all of my lovelies!  Did you miss me?  I am sorry that I had to abandon you halfway through your abysmal, injury-plagued seasons last year, but it seems that my work as a Fantasy Royalty called me away for many an Ambassador duties.  Not really, I was basically traveling the globe and the deepest, darkest reaches of the planet to find some kind of Medicine Man or Voodoo Priestess to lift this Black Widow Curse from me, to no avail.  But, I digress.  How are you all holding up?  I know you missed me, it’s okay, you don’t have to admit it (I can read your thoughts.)  So, anyhoo, here we are again.  The 2016 NFL season is closer than that stalker who is STILL living in my bushes outside (I need to start charging that creeper rent).  I promise you, I won’t leave you again this season, as long as you stick with me.  So, to rekindle all the love we shared and the memories we’ve made over the years, let’s spend a little time together today, get to know one another again, turn the lights down low, and turn on the Fantasy lovin’ with this little preseason edition of Hit it or Quit it…

Please, blog, may I have some more?