Hello everyone, and welcome to Razzball’s Fantasy Football 2017 Division Previews. On this piece, we’ll take a look at this year’s AFC East. In past offseasons, we’ve seen many versions of the same headline: “Watch Out Patriots, Dolphins/Bills/Jets Are The New Team To Beat”. And while we haven’t seen that storyline yet, this is a division that moved in the right direction as a whole. It’s good to see that just for football in general. There are a lot of fantasy storylines and scenarios to dive into, so let’s get right to it…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

dm_161023_dm_fantasy_spin_wk7

For those that didn’t follow, today’s title was meant to be read in your best cheerleader shouting voice. Go ahead, give it a try. Nice job. Each week I pull out the duct tape and attempt to scrap together a lineup using players sitting on the waiver wire that would not only compete with the best teams in fantasy leagues, but also beat them. This week I had my work cut out for me as there were a lot of high scoring teams. In one of my RCL’s thomas’s Rad Team scored 189.08 points. In another, Heisenberg Empire scores 184.06. Those, my friends, are a sh!t ton of points. First place in the Razzball Writer’s League (me) is averaging 128 points per week. So like I said, I had my work cut out for me this week. But rest assured, there’s no lineup I can’t conquer. I present to you a 203.7 point week 7 lineup comprised mostly of players considered duds.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

When I saw that Jay Ajayi (28 CAR, 214 YDS, 7.6 AVG, 1 TD, 53 LONG and 1 REC, 2 YDS, 2.0 AVG, 2 LONG, 1 TGTS) broke the 200-yard rushing barrier yesterday, I assumed it was a career-total type of thing… I mean, what kind of timeline have we been transported to where something like this could happen? We went from:s: It’s Arian Foster, it’s Jay Ajayi, it’s I think I’ll take a pass, to whatever we call this. Arian Foster (3 CAR, 5 YDS, 1.7 AVG, 3 LONG and 1 REC, 4 YDS, 4.0 AVG, 4 LONG, 3 TGTS) is probably safe to ignore now (though I might hold if possible, just because the Dolphins are a weird team that does weird things whenever they can). So now, one has to tackle (see what I did there?) the possibility that we’re seeing Devonta Freeman 2.0. True, the Bills probably wouldn’t be able to tackle Rex Ryan standing still if they tried yesterday, and yeah, the Steelers run defense has somehow morphed into the Colts run defense from the 00’s (zeroes or oh’s?… I have no idea), and that shows up in the numbers: Ajayi has broken as many tackles on 54 handoffs over the last two weeks (13) as Ezekiel Elliott has on 148 touches this entire season. But it’s hard to ignore two 200-yard games in a row, even with caveats. Only three other players have done that: O.J. Simpson, Earl Campbell, and Ricky Williams. Granted, you probably want to most be like Cambell here, in terms of the law (Simpson) and career longevity (Williams). Don’t kill people and get high, maaaaan… But how do we really know that this is legitimate? Well, since the majority of us didn’t see Freeman’s 2015, we can certainly see some similar parallels with Ajayi forming. In 2014, Freeman was one of the top running backs in the draft (like Ajayi was in 2015), and as a rookie for the Falcons, he was relegated to third string duty, totaling just 65 rushes and 30 catches the entire year. He was unspectacular, and his potential finally forgotten en masse when Tevin Coleman was drafted. The exact same could be said with Ajayi last year, as Lamar Miller’s presence limited him to just 187 total rushing yards and 11 catches. And then, Kenyan Drake was drafted and Arian Foster was signed. While it’s hard to say if Ajayi can sustain RB1 numbers for an Adam Gase and Clyde Christensen run offense that has never drawn up a sh*tty play that they didn’t love and do over and over again, it’s certainly apparent that when you make the lazy comparison that Jay Ajayi is the next Devonta Freeman, it might actually turn out to be right. And then you find yourself wondering, can Devonta effing Freeman be the next Jay Ajayi?… And then you wonder how the NFC West didn’t win a game yesterday, even though the Seahawks and Cardinals played against each other… and then you wonder why your head hurts so much.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I think it’s safe to say that the Dolphins… are not a good football team. Actually, they are pretty terrible. I mentioned in the Live Thread last night that there are usually two versions of the Bengals that show up in primetime games, a regular season version and a playoff version. Now, we got a little bit of both last night… and that’s probably too generous, but there is apparently just one version of the Dolphins, and I call it: “Oh god…” (I’m an atheist, for context.) I last time I’d seen that much incompetence by the color orange since the Presidential Debate. Despite the game being an amazing period of time to nap in, (yes, technically it was a two-score game… sort of like how Taco Bell is “technically” food), but I would like to point out that at the least the Bengals didn’t go full orange during the color rush epoch. They saved us from Dolphin orange on orange mixed with a darker Bengals orange on orange, which would have probably cause color blindness to all viewers. On the bright side, that much orange may have also been the cure to color blindness, so there’s that I guess. (To be fair, I did kind of like the Dolphins color rush uniforms, but I had a hard time remembering what college they played for…)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

celek-smith-e1388334451260

Welcome back everybody to this week’s edition of “Deep Implants”, our recurring series here at Razzball discussing the history of American spies planted overseas during war. This week, we’ll take a look at the exploits of Edward Bancroft, a Massachusetts-born scholar who was a key provider of intelligence from London to Ben Franklin during the Revolutionary War. Before diving into his espionage, let’s start with his studies that showed eels use electricity to capture their prey… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this is actually another installment of Deep Impact, and also that BANCROFT WAS A DOUBLE AGENT THE WHOLE TIME! NO, BEN FRANKLIN, STOP GIVING THIS MAN INFORMATION!!! As a refresher for those of you who missed the first regular season piece in this series, this is for fantasy football players who like to hang out in the deep end. Metaphorically speaking, of course; I don’t go into the actual deep end as I’m not a strong swimmer and the kids are really judgmental these days. Floaties are for adults too, dammit!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2481001_sd_sp_chargers_chiefs_0911_057_1_r900x493

Well, on a day where Jim Nantz called a pregame 9/11 memorial a 9/11 celebration, there really isn’t anywhere to go other than down… Or maybe I’m just talking in the context of the Chargers. And yes, I think I’ve written this before, but as one of the few Chargers fans in the industry (there are dozes of us, dozens!), I actually try really hard not to wax poetic about this team, an anti-bias if you will. (Except for Philip Rivers, he’s a flower.) Though, it could also be because injuries and disappointment have been a yearly routine for the Chargers, so plugging in a fork is probably more preferable than writing about them. Regardless, I only try to focus on them when it is absolutely necessary, because, believe me, I’d rather not write about how they lost yesterday despite having a 24-point lead at the half, nor would I want to mention that the Chiefs had the biggest comeback in franchise history, especially since both of those things would probably put someone like myself on suicide watch… But I do probably need to discuss Keenan Allen‘s non-contact knee injury that occurred before the half, which required a cart and hospital visit. It has now been confirmed to be an ACL tear, and based on my extensive health knowledge and degree in orthopedics (haha, my mother wishes!), I can come to the determination that this is bad. Like, season-ending bad. Also, knees continue to be a weak point in human anatomy. Also possibly groins. And this will not only cause ripple effects in football, but fantasy football as well. I think it’s fair to assume that Allen will be out the rest of the year, and here’s who will be affected positively by it: Travis Benjamin, Tyrell Williams, and Dontrelle Inman. To a lesser extent? Antonio Gates and Danny Woodhead. Here’s who will be affected negatively by it: My liver.

We’ll go over it a bit more along with all the other news and notes from yesterdays games after the jump…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So, you are missing the fantasy playoffs this year. I apologize for the injuries your team had this season. I apologize you lost weeks because you benched players that outperformed your starters. I apologize for you scoring the 2nd or 3rd most points that week, but you played the #1 point performer. Now you are probably sad, angry, and frustrated or unhappy that you are not going to have bragging rights over your opponents. I assure you it could be worse. I read a case in my business law class Monday and I would like to share it with you. This Canadian man, we’ll call him Julius, bought two lottery tickets at 8:59 PM on day 1. As of 9pm, the tickets you buy are for the next days lottery. One printed at 8:59PM and 45 seconds, the other at 9:00PM and 7 seconds. Julius’s 2nd ticket had the winning numbers for day 1 and he tried to redeem his ticket, but was denied by the clerk stating the ticket, at 9:00 and 7 seconds was for day 2. Now Julius obviously fought this and argued he bought the ticket the previous day at 8:59, but was consistently refused. The highest court in Canada also refused him and now Julius is sad, angry, frustrated, and unhappy. Folks, it can always get worse. Now for all of you happy and fortunate beings that are still fighting for a playoff spot, let us talk football!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ll admit it. That was probably the best Sunday Night Football game of the season, and it had everything I’ve come to expect from an NFC East divisional game. It’s almost as if the Giants and Washington were there in spirit. In what was the second and final match-up between the Eagles and Cowboys, the game feature two quarterbacks that would probably be quite successful at the collegiate level. And most likely Canadian Football. And the aforementioned ingredients for this divisional game? All there. Turnovers, questionable officiating, amazing plays, the bi-weekly Sean Lee injury (honestly, Lee needs to be banned from playing football for his own good), back and forth scores leading to overtime, and of course, derp. In the end, the Cowboy’s failed to tackle anything during overtime (last play shown above) and now the Eagles have an insurmountable lead in the division at 4-4, good for second. Because Giants, that’s why. So… in summation: F*ck Greg Hardy.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 9’s Sunday games…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The NFL regular season starts Thursday. Oh what a glorious daaaaaay. Ohhhhh, kickin off the NFL season, the Tehol Beddict waaaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, I just went Billy Madison on that ass, one of the Elder Gods (and my) favorite films. A tale of growth and maturation. A tale of destiny. You see, I was once like Billy, taking shots of Tequila with porn stars at 9 AM. Smoking peyote with tribesman in the Bermuda triangle. Doing lines of white lightening out of call girls’s yin-yangs in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. Yes, traveling the world and flexing your glutes for the camera can lead to some interesting experiences, but my life was incredibly empty. Was this really my true calling? One fine day, while I was going through my daily routine of harassing and verbally abusing my best friends to the point of them no longer speaking to me, like a bitch slap from Peter North’s dong, it hit me! I had a gift for creative writing and was without question a fantasy sports savant. Wouldn’t you know it, two weeks later I met Grey Albright at a swingers club in Tahoe, bonding with him as we Eiffel towered my long term lover. He thoroughly enjoyed combining the Naked Gun films with fantasy baseball for a post and decided to bring me in the fold. Was it my rapier wit or the briefcase full of money I left in the trunk of his car along with a bag containing the hair from my freshly shaved scrotum? I’ll never know, but, what I do know is, entertaining people with my mind and creativity is much more stimulating than greasing up my ass and grabbing my ankles for the cameraman. I’m happy to be here. Shout out to Billy Madison, for he followed his dreams, just as I have. We are kindred spirits, him and I.

I’m really losing it. Can we please get to my Week 1 rankings? I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings! Many of you were no doubt overwrought about my possible whereabouts this past week. Yes, slaying Kings in Canada can be quite dangerous, especially when considering the monstrous killer whales, man-flesh desiring grizzly bears, seals that will bite your dong off when you’re urinating off the bow of the boat, bald eagles that would like nothing more than to peck out your eyeballs, and last but not least, Molson Ice!

Please, blog, may I have some more?