Ugh, do I have to, Fantasy Gods?  Why must you torture me so?  What did I ever do to you to deserve this?  You touch yourself inappropriately when you think no one is watching.  Ummm, Fantasy Gods care about that?  You’re ruling over a bunch of nerds, what else are we supposed to do?  ‘Check out my fantasy team’ isn’t exactly something you post on Tinder.  Neverthewho!  Eli Manning.  Ugh…I mean, he plays football so there’s that.  Just doesn’t play it well most weeks…so there’s that too.  Then again, he’s coming off a bye and should hopefully be ready and prepared to take on a secondary that got completely wrecked both on the scoreboard and in terms of injuries on week 8…but of course Rashad Jennings might not be back this week and it’s clear the Giants need him…ooph, this is tough.  Eli is gonna throw for 350 and 4 TDs or he’s gonna end with 175, 2 picks and give you Manning face.  There’s really no in between with this guy so for me he’s going to be a GPP only go and even at that, only do it if everyone and their mother says ‘I won’t play Eli this week’ for the contrarian goodness.  Wow, what an inspiring opening!  I think there is more hedging here than even a yard worker could provide.  Clearly it’s time to move on so let’s.  Here’s some other hot takes for the week 9 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

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I’ve made some changes to the Stats Machine (TSM) this week in hopes to present more accurate data. While this is a weekly post that highlights the previous week’s top performances, TSM also provides a year-to-date report to help you identify valuable players. Until now, this has been based on the players’ total score for the season. The problem with that is that it punishes players that have already had a bye, as they will have had one less game than players that have not. Until all teams have had their bye week, this list will be powered by each players’ average score per game. Got it? Good.

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If you know anything about me, or at least have read more than a few articles, you’ll know that I have a few movies in my referential lexicon that I lean on heavily. Number will will probably always be Anchorman. I mean, seriously, within 17 weeks of fantasy football, San Diego gets referenced at least 17 times. How could you NOT go with the German definition when presented the opportunity? Rhetorical. Sixty percent of the time you do it…every time. So let that bring us to the present where I am yet again quoting a movie but this one might be before your time. I don’t know how young you are. Based on some of your texting-based understanding of the human language, I’m guessing at least 30% of you are of the ‘Y’ generation. Don’t worry, I can still understand what you’re saying even if you don’t use punctuation and end sentences with ‘LOL’ and don’t worry part two, I ain’t mad atcha nor am I picking on you. If there were ever a request for Samuel Johnson truncated, you’d have nailed it. Thankfully, my movie reference isn’t THAT old. Nah, I’m just looking back at The Neverending Story. I don’t know if it’s on Netflix. Damn, now that I say that I HOPE it’s on Netflix. FALCOR! But more to the point, Marshawn Lynch was one of the bigger disappointments for DK players last week but I’m here to tell you, dammit it wasn’t his fault! He had a TD called back and for what it’s worth, the Rams played a very good game, which limited his grind down yardage as he finished with a miserable 2.9 ypc and ended with a defeating 9.1 DK points on the day. Not quite what people signed up for when paying $7,100. Oddly, his price point hasn’t changed this week. Given he’s facing the Panthers – a team that is giving up 5,29 ypc to opposing runners – staying the course with Marshawn makes a lot of sense. Marshawn should be a good get for both cash and GPP given his price and him coming off a frustrating week 7. But that’s so last week, let’s talk about this week. Here are my hot takes for this week’s DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Greetings, my fine football friends. I told ya when I left that I wasn’t gone…whatever that means. To be fair, I’ve been here all season covering DraftKings content here with the Razz, if ya didn’t know. That’s the lead article on Wednesdays, IYDK part 2. If you’re wondering why I’m here and Jay’s not, well we’re all human and Jay needed a night to himself, though I heard he brought with him a bottle of scotch, some lube, and the family friendly follow up that every Rick Moranis fan has been waiting for: Honey I Blew Everybody. Hope you enjoyed your night, Jay. Now get the eff back to work! Alright, pimping done, primping starts. Namely Joe Flacco‘s eyebrows. I don’t care what he does on the field, he doesn’t get a pass for his forehead caterpillar. You got cash money, bro, clean that ish up. Now that I’ve done my job in covering what needs not be covered – Flaccbrow – let’s get down to the getting down. Flacco had a huge day…oh, who am I kidding he had a huge HALF. All five of the touchdowns he threw came in the first two quarters as the MRSAneers returned home after two hard-fought games games on the road to roll over and pretend they took ‘ludes at home. We all know every decent QB in the league – and yes, Flacco IS decent and mayhap, a gentleman – can put up big numbers against bad defenses and Tampa Bay has been just that most of the year. Flacco finished 21 of 29 with 306 passing yards, 5 TD passes and zero scheduled waxings…minus the one he gave to the Buccs…OOOOOH BURN. Overall, if you picked him up to stream this week, good on you and you might wanna hold for one more as he gets another extremely leaky defense in the Falcons next week at home. After that, you can drop him and pick up whoever else plays TB. In fact, I almost feel bad for Lovie at this point. Seriously, gonna have to change his name to Hatie Smith after this season is over. Poor schlub…either way, let’s move on. Here are some other looks back on the week 6 that was for 2014 Fantasy Football…

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Those of you in your 30’s shouldn’t have a hard time remembering George Michael’s Sports Machine. Running from 1984 to about 2007, and airing on Sunday nights, it was a 30-minute television show dedicated to providing the highlights of the past week’s sporting events. I did a quick search on Ancestry.com, and it turns out the Sports Machine and Stats Machine are very distant relatives. I hope George’s estate doesn’t sue me. Now that I have cleared that up, let’s move on.

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In a thrilling day of footballing, there were nine games decided by a touchdown or less, three games decided by a field goal or less, and two overtime victories. It was enough to make some teams (looking directly at you Jim Caldwell and the Lions) wonder why someone like Alex Henery, who single-handedly (or footedly? Is that a word?) lost the game against the Kyle Orton led Bills 17-14, (to what was a 58-yard field goal to Dan Carpenter) still holds a job in the NFL. Missing one field goal is okay. Missing two is unacceptable. Missing three in a game, one of which came with 51 seconds remaining… well… if anything, Henery should be immediately cut just for allowing the above photo to be a thing. Fun fact: If you look up the word “d*ckish” in the dictionary, you’ll find a smug Jim Schwartz smiling right back at you. And while you could easily see getting carried off the field after beating Detroit in the fifth week of the regular season as the most Buffalo thing ever (landing as a tie with eating and drinking too much before sobbing uncontrollably… or is that Cleveland?), apparently asking your team to do this in the preseason, as far back as OTA’s seems, I don’t know, spiteful? Smarmy? Maladjusted? Well, to be fair, with Schwartz, no one would ever see him being that kind of guy… But hey, some good came out of this. Kyle Orton threw for over 300+ yards with a touchdown against the number one ranked defense in the NFL, which is pretty good. And probably the eighth sign that the end of the world is here.

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In the 1980s, Hulkamania was running wild in almost every household in America. Even today, nearly 30 years later, when my iPod shuffles to “Real American“, I get transported back to the days when I believed in “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan. I am far from ashamed to admit that the Hulkster was one of my childhood heroes. Back then, it was practically impossible not to be captivated by the World Wrestling Federation and its cast of real life superhero-like characters. From The Ultimate Warrior to King Kong Bundy. From Junkyard Dog to Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. And from Randy “Macho Man” Savage to Rowdy Roddy Piper. The list could go on and on. [Jay's Note: Uhhhh, no mention of The Nature Boy Ric Flair? Tsk tsk...] Vince McMahon had built an empire that would entertain millions worldwide for decades to come.

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In hockey, three goals is called a hat trick. In basketball, three 3-pointers is 9 points. In baseball, three home runs is a monster day. In football, three touchdowns is now known as a touchdonnell! Surprisingly, there have already been 6 touchdonnells through the first 4 weeks of the NFL season. Julius Thomas in Week 1, Antonio Gates and Brandon Marshall in Week 2, none in Week 3, and Jamaal Charles, Matt Asiata and Larry Donnell this past week. Congratulations to all fantasy owners that reaped the rewards of these players’ performances, and my condolences to those that had them on their bench.

Those of you that have read some of my other posts will know that I am not a big fan of projections. At their core, they are the fantasy sports version of fortune telling, and I don’t know about you, but I consider anyone that claims to be able to look into a crystal ball or use tarot cards to predict the future, to be full of sh*t. I have studied the art of sleight of hand since I was about 13 and I can guarantee you that what a few might think is “magic”, is not. It’s the result of countless hours of practice, routining and misdirection. With that said, it might surprise a few of you that I am about to shuffle a deck of cards and make a few predictions of my own. However, instead of pulling some numbers out of my a** hat, I am going to use current stats to project future stats. It’s a little trick I like to call “on pace”.

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