Well, here we go. What? You didn’t get enough Jackie Battle news this past week? What about Tony Fiammetta? Breaking! I just signed Terrell Owens, and all it cost me was a Subway Tuna sandwich. Yeah, I know I overpaid. But, to be fair, there wasn’t any mayo, so I had that going. But enough about me, let’s take a look at some of the key news that’s happened so far during free agency week, all through the fantasy football scope. That scope is real by the way. I’m serious. It has chrome plating and comes with a bottle-opener.

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Highs and lows. Yup, that about sums it up. Both the running backs from 2013 and how I view my medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Today I’m typing on trilacridopaprylocine. The current effect is everything I’m typing looks like its in Wing Dings. I’ll keep you up to date on how the rest goes…but let’s get back to the first part of this. It wasn’t just my top 10 that got blown up by injury, ineptitude or both. There were plenty of assets that made their owners go mad given their price this year and I can promise you the result from this year is going to make me take a hard look at how I evaluate RB rankings in 2014. As the NFL slowly moves onto being a passing league moreso than a running league, having a lead back – or at least the original definition of it for fantasy – looks like its becoming a dying breed. Truthfully, there was very little value in drafting an RB high this year when we compare the peaks and the valleys and how much gold came much later in the draft. You’ve heard of the scrub QB theory, we might be well on our way to working one up for RBs in 2014. But of course that’s a topic for another time. For now, instead of looking forward let’s look at our behinds. Here’s the Top 20 Running Backs from the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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I guess this question is really a two parter because there’s a yang to this yin. But to be honest, it’s Monday after week 16 has almost concluded. Losers need not apply. *Hears readership heading for exits*. Wait, wait, wait, did I say losers? I meant Lugers! Yeah, that’s it! You know, people who luge? Yeah, get the eff out, winter Olympic sports people! And take that Jamaican bobsled team with ya! Now where was I before I was rudely interrupted by a buncha sore Lugers…oh yeah, we were talking Fantasy Football, of course. The kind of Fantasy Football that wins championships, i.e. the bestest kind. For all the talk of JC Superstar and Knowshon this year, it’s kinda been lost in the shuffle that LeSean McCoy has been beasting all year. Ok, it’s hard to say that about @CutOnDime25 but when you think about it, it’s kinda true. Everyone talked about how he could be a fantasy stud in the off-season when Chip came to town but really, everyone was talking about Chip not him. Then Vick started the year off hot, so Michael Vick was the point of discussion. Then Vick sucked and that, of course, was the point of discussion. Then in waltzed Nick Foles who started running Chip’s offense at full steam and then he was the point of discussion. It’s odd that a guy can lead the NFL in rushing yards and be a bit of an afterthought in this game we play but that’s what happens when you’re consistently good but rarely breakout great in this game. Everyone wants week 15 JC Superstar, week 8 Megatron, week 13 Josh Gordon (will someone PLEASE give that man a nickname). But Shady has just ‘been there’. He’s had some big rushing days, don’t get me wrong as his 133 yards on the ground Sunday were his 6th 100+ yard effort of the year and he does have a 200+ yard snow game to his credit. I don’t know, maybe I’m Chris Collinsworth’ing this whole shizz and creating a narrative that doesn’t need to be made but I swear I’ve heard more about other players of this caliber over the course of the season than LeSean. Here’s to you, Shady, and the joy of the championships you brought to all those peoples out there who aren’t Lugers. In other news from week 16 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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It’s here.  Finally.  The Finale.  The big tamale.  The Carne Asiata.

The ginormous 2013 Fantasy Football Millionaire Grand Final is this weekend, where the overall winner is going to win a million bucks.  A thousand thousands.  A million… ones…  Imagine making it rain that much, Pacman!  In a futile attempt all year, I unfortunately did not win a satellite ticket into the tourney, so I’m playing in a cheapy and not in line for the million.  But hopefully you have enough to enter the contest or have won any of the several satellites to get in there.  And if a member of Razzball Nation becomes a millionaire, maybe you buy me a couple crown and cokes?  Yup, I’m gonna be “one of those” if you’re a winner!

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Razzball Nation!  I’m filling in for Sky this morning in the football recap, as Sky was called by Al Davis for a possible CB job opening.  That would be scary for multiple reasons!  Man Oakland was brutal.  Long live the Chiefs offense!  Jamaal Charles had a historic game (6th highest fantasy output in non-PPR since 1960), making the Raiders D look worse than some of those Raiders costumes.  The real Rocky Horror Picture Show was the pass D, as JC Superstar enlightened fantasy owners with 8 catches (on 8 targets) for 195 yards and 4 TDs.  Plus an extra 20 on the ground with a score there.  Straight video game numbers!  “RB screen, X, X, X!”  Actually that sounds like a porn title.  I’ll have to ask Tehol about that one.  Charles has been effing fantastic this year, and I think easily the fantasy MVP.  Sure you could argue Peyton Manning, but if you have JC and you’re somehow not waltzing through the playoffs than you only have yourself to blame!  Is he fantasy’s #1 pick next year?  I don’t see how you could resist.  If someone really wanted Adrian Peterson, I’d turn to them after that pick ala the 1,000-year old dude in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and go “he chose poorly…”  While some teams had their dreams melt away, others are marching into the finals with the rest of the week 15 happenings…

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Ahhhh the throes of December… The playoffs are here!  Or if you’re in a 6-team playoff league, then you’re still alive!  Because I doubt you’d be reading otherwise…  The playoffs are all about the hot team at the right time.  I mean, look at the Giants for Pete sake.  Or is it Pete’s sake?  Who is Pete?  Texas Pete?

Last week I told you about my playoff strategy – it’s the same as any other week.  Award winning analysis!  But seriously, it’s fantasy football and you have your line-up and you’re leaning one way or another.  It’s just as important to win week 2 as it is to win this week.  Well maybe not really, but you’re still fielding whoever you feel best and I don’t think you tinker just based on “this guy has been better most of the year and got me here…” or any of that hoopla.  But if you do have any coin flips or any of the late season injuries plaguing the league, I’ve got some LSD for ya!

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F#ck if your favorite writer dies, to me that’s my spot. I’ll celebrate his burial and eat at Ihop. Greetings ya’ll! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, Razzball’s resident mankini model and fantasy savant. Just because I get paid to flex my toned glutes, doesn’t in any way mean I can’t guide you to glory on the fantasy football field. It’s understandable that one would think there’s no way I could find the time to analyze each and every player in the NFL due to the fact I spend 6 hours a day doing Bobby Brown pushups and another 4 flexing in the mirror, but it is so. Having spare wenches around to massage my ass with warm milk while I watch game film is a major plus and without those Beddict groupies I’d be useless. We are now in crunch time and there is no time to waste my friends. I can only write about my bronzed buns for so long. Once your erection finally withers away move on to some in depth playa talk. Take heed!

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All season long, I’ve been talking about matchups with an opposing team, but what about an opposing weather condition? Fantasy owners who started Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, or Reggie Bush were likely all salivating at the Lions’ matchup with the Eagles, but Bush was a very late scratch after slipping on the field while both Stafford and Johnson failed to get anything going all afternoon. Even kickers, who are usually fairly immune to any real matchup concerns, should almost always be benched when there’s snow coming down.

Sometimes you even need to get more specific. A downhill runner who plows straight through defenses is going to have a lot more success in rough weather than an elusive runner who relies on fancy footwork to shake tackles. LeSean McCoy may very well be the exception to that rule, but he also adjusted his running style for the weather; something Reggie Bush is less capable of and part of the reason the Lions didn’t bother risking him playing in an important game.

I can’t predict the weather and if you ask anyone in Philadelphia, neither can the people whose job it is to do so, but this late into the fantasy season, it is absolutely critical that you check the field conditions prior to kickoff. That being said, there are still football matchups to talk about.

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Ohhhh man, the playoffs have started and that means we’re only one week out from the huge MILLIONAIRE GRAND FINAL (!!) which is week 16 (not 17! which it used to be…) on December 22nd.  Christmas comes early this year!  I’m still without a ticket that I’m trying to pick up for $2, but I’m out there again, trying to nab my ticket in the $2 Qualifier.  There are of course all sorts of other satellite qualifiers you can hop into, but you need to hurry as the finale is only one week out!

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I’ve been patiently waiting to blow. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Tehol Beddict show. Greetings! I had to take a two week sabbatical to put in major work on my favorite charitable cause, “Beddict’s Single Mothers Project.” This charity was founded by myself, Tehol Beddict, in Jaunary of 2007 and takes aim at really solidifying the home life of abandoned or widowed mothers. The inspiration for this incredibly rewarding project came from none other than my idol/role model, Ernie McCracken, and his “Fatherless Family” sponsorship program. I devote a full 24 hours to single mothers that are deemed “worthy” by my assistants. By allowing them to make me 3 full meals with dessert plus two pipings and a tossed salad, they get to feel alive and appreciated again, helping them breakout of their funk and letting them live life to the fullest again. I’ve found that blowing these women’s backs out truly helps them become better mothers and for that I’m thankful. On NFL Sundays, doggystyle is a must, so you can both watch the game. I wasn’t the only prime-time performer on Sunday though guys. Alshon Jeffery, Josh Gordon, and Erik Decker also went balls deep on the opposition. Were you lucky enough to have one of these legends? Did anyone have all 3? If so I need to hear about it in the comment section. For those of you wishing to donate money to my “Beddict’s Singe Mothers Project,” please DM me on Twitter and we can work something out on paypal. Thank you so much. Now let’s get to what I witnessed last weekend. Take Heed!

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