dysentery

To be honest, I’m not really sure what to do with myself right now. As I’m writing today’s recap (which will be yesterday’s recap when you read this), I find myself essentially writing my first ever obituary. It’s certainly not a fun feeling writing about gruesome, year-threatening, maybe even career-threatening injuries, but seeing as this all came on a day where we saw the Cleveland Browns finally have an opportunity to understand what this “happiness” emotion is that they’ve heard so much about, but have never experienced, and that the Bills are officially on pace to go 16-0, we can try to find some sort of silver lining here. Or just realize that the world is about to come to an end. Also, LOL Jets.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Thank god I don’t do these posts till Saturday, because you wouldn’t have liked my advice had I included Thursday night’s players into my start/sits. Everyone knows that Thursday Night Football is a curse for fantasy players.  Even Peyton Manning has fallen victim to it.  In the final TNF game of the 2013 season, Manning had arguably his worst performance of the year, completing just 65.8 percent of his passes for 289 yards in the Broncos’ embarrassing 27-20 home loss to the Chargers.  Maybe it’s the short week coupled by the night game, or the fact that it’s on national television.  Who knows.  But it doesn’t bode well for good statistics.

I had Ben Roethlisberger and Torrey Smith pretty high up in my Week 2 rankings, but that was just stubborn of me.  You can’t get much worse than the nine fantasy points Big Ben put up, Owen Daniels vulturing Dennis Pitta every step of the way, or the one catch for 10 yards Torrey had — especially after Joe Flacco had said earlier in the day that he expects his top receiver to catch 100 balls this year.

Sunday should offer many more offensive fireworks than Thursday night’s dreadful affair.  There are plenty of matchups to exploit, including the Saints vs. Browns, Patriots vs. Vikings, Chiefs vs. Broncos, Jaguars vs. Redskins, and Cowboys vs. Titans.  But none should be more exciting (and fantasy-team boosting) than the Eagles/Colts game. The high-flying Eagles (pun intended) travel to Indy to take on the 900 horsepower Colts (pun also intended).  You’re always gonna start Andrew Luck, Nick Foles and LeSean McCoy, but their supporting casts deserve a lot of attention this week and are all nearly must starts in most fantasy formats. Fringe fantasy starters like Darren Sproles, Riley Cooper, Ahmad Bradshaw, and Dwayne Allen are near automatic starts this week, and even Colts’ tight end Coby Fleener is worthy of consideration in deeper leagues.  The only guys I’d be hesitant to recommend are Hakeem Nicks and Trent Richardson, who have proven to be too untrustworthy. Not only will this game have a large effect on the outcome of your fantasy matchups, but we get to wait till Monday night to have it all play out.  Now, that, my friends, is what fantasy football is all about!

Please feel free to post your start/sit questions below. Until then, here are the rest of my starts and sits for Week 2…

(All recommendations are based on PPR formatted leagues)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Beer bonging a gallon of chew spit while watching your pregnant mother get a$$ blasted by Ron Jeremy> Owning Larry Fitzgerald in fantasy football in 2014.

-Tehol Beddict

Greetings, and welcome to another excruciatingly sexy edition of, Disgrace/Delight! I am your honored master of ceremonies, the Tehol Beddict, and I come to you bearing gifts. Where in the name of the Elder Gods are these gifts, you ask? The presents I offer you, distinguished ladies and gents, is the verbiage I’ve spewed out for you below in the form of written communication. Take it all in (swallow, don’t spit) and leave your thoughts and questions when you’re finished reading, as each and every one of you deserve special attention (ladies and Sky especially ).

You know what the deal is here and you definitely know what the real is. This is: DISGRACE/DELIGHT!!! TAKE HEED!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to the Handcuff Report, 2014 primer. The Almighty J-FOH has bestowed upon me the honor of keeping you knuckleheads up to date on the latest NFL arrests, felonies, and misdemeanors. If Steven Ridley and Shane Vereen are smoking weed in a Pontiac Firebird, we’ll be there. If  Titus Young finds his way back into the league, we’ll be there. If Golden Tate decides to steal maple bars from a Detroit bakery, we’ll be there. You get the point…. Wait.?!?! That’s not what this post covers?…. It’s about running back committee’s? …Hmmm I don’t think that’s right. Jay, I think we have a problem…..I had 1,300 words about Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Le’veon Bell, and LeGarrette Blount. It seemed reasonable, there are a lot of arrests, and they do in fact impact our rosters. But okay… I got it now, you meant handcuff in a less literal sense. Oops! Welp, time to refocus. I guess instead I’ll be discussing the ever evolving Running Back committee situations around the league. For today and at least the first few weeks of the season, I’ll be providing a list of depth charts and commenting on the situations I feel need to be covered. In other words I’ll be spending less time on teams like the Vikings, Bears, or Seahawks and more time on teams like the Lions, Falcons, and Dolphins. As the season progresses, I’ll probably switch to more of a “handcuffs to watch format”, where I’ll cover a handful of backs with expanding roles. But who knows, we’ll see, you guys can tell me in the comments if you like the depth chart rankings. I’m cool with that. After today I will be sticking with the tried and true tiered approach (say that three times fast Micro Machine Man) and the tier names that J-FOH had last year, because what else is there outside of Fuzzy, Standard Issue Police, and Duct taped handcuffs? That pretty much covers the handcuff gamut. No??? Are there other varieties besides the ones covered?  Like those weird plastic ones, that cops use, maybe? Did you notice I said “cops use”… do you know why? Because Standard Issue Police That’s Why!!!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

i

Come on refs, you’re usually with us on this…

Football finally happened folks. Let’s have some cake. OR watch the first two touchdowns of the season go to no one fantasy relevant. Yeah, you’re right. Let’s have cake instead. So yup, the season opener… It wasn’t that bad. I will say this- it is definitely the “traditional start” to the season… both elevated and dashed hopes, plenty of derpiness, and wild, crazy rethinking of fantasy players.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

pete-carroll

Ah yes, the magic of football has returned, with the season opener on SNFTNFNBC (I feel like I just mapped the genome with that acronym… or just entered in the Contra code). After seven long months of dealing in a world without football, now we get five months of unadulterated joy and happiness, or I guess depression if you are a Cleveland Browns fan. Which wouldn’t be much different than any other day in Cleveland I suppose.

HEY JACK, IT’S A FACT!

1 – PAPRIKA IS FOR MEN

2 – YOU BOOZE, YOU LOSE

E – RESPEK THE SUN

(.Y.) – AARON RODGERS IS A REAL FOOTBALL PLAYER

That being said, the Packers face the daunting task of going into the dreaded CenturyLink Field, where fans cheer really loud apparently and are almost too proud of it. Those hipsters, they were cheering so loud before it was cool. Pete Carroll also brings his gum-smacking Ric Flair impersonation to full bare on the sidelines. I mean, is this guy ever not chewing gum? What adult man chews gum? Someone give the guy a cigarette and get it over with…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Can you feel the electricity in the air? I know what you’re thinking– Mom/wifey has yet to learn her lesson and attempted to deploy her plug-in vibrator in the Jacuzzi again. (When will they ever learn?) Pray to the Elder Gods that twas not due to them discovering my mythical Instagram account, for once a mortal witnesses those photographs they literally have no choice other than “Releasing,” which is much like the way I felt after viewing the latest Nicki Minaj video, Anaconda! I am known in some underground circles as they Ganymede of fantasy football analysts and I thoroughly embrace it. Back to that electricity your boy Beddict spoke; It’s due to the return of not only football, America’s greatest sport, but FANTASY FOOTBALL, America’s greatest game! ARE YOU READY?!?! I SAID, ARE YOU READY?!?!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Russell_Wilson_Dangeruss_Seahawk_Sign--ZM--LIME

For a sixth straight season, Razzball will be interviewing NFL-team blogs and site contributors for some actual in-depth football knowledge to shed some additional light on our fantasy football knowledge. Keep your eye out for an interview for every NFL team for our Team Preview Series through the summer. This installment comes courteous of our very own Tehol Beddict.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back for another strategy session, where you and I sit down, group our intellect together, and prepare to discuss fantasy football ad nauseum, and then promptly get distracted by Pornhub.com. So pretty much every other Tuesday, for me at least. We already have a Beginners Guide to Fantasy Football for those of you who had no idea fantasy football existed… I’m sure there are dozens of you. DOZENS! But now that we have the “101” stuff out of the way, now we arrive at the do’s and don’ts of a draft. As what should be pretty self explanatory, there are things that you should do, and things that you should not do. Crazy stuff, I know. Granted, these are based on my own practices and experiences, so take them for what you will. Which, frankly, should be lots. Because it’s free. Free stuff is always good. Unless it’s crayfish in your pants. That’s something that’s free, mysterious, titillating, and scary all at the same time.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Here we are, the conclusion of Combine Week 2014! We’re finishing up this week with my review of the running backs from the Combine. I will warn you, though, that trying to formulate a long-term fantasy forecast for a running back who has yet to be drafted is tricky business. So much of a running back’s fantasy value is derived from the situation they are brought into (number of touches, type of offensive system) and the offensive line they get the pleasure, or misfortune (see: Lamar Miller) of running behind. A perfect way to illustrate this point is to look back at the running back draft class from last year. Two prime examples immediately come to mind when thinking about how team situations affect fantasy value for running backs. These two players are Christine Michael and Le’veon Bell.

Please, blog, may I have some more?