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You know, I don’t really hate giving the lede to the NFC South, and if you’ve been spending any time here at Razzball, you know that I find this division so very… satisfying. Not in the good way, like, wow, this NFC South man, it gives the greatest head type of way. No… but to be honest, I have felt similar sensations. It’s the satisfying “oh my god, that’s about the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen, so I’ll just laugh at it and celebrate it for being the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen” type of thing. But the fact remains, I don’t hate talking about it. So at what point does it become masochistic? I mean, we are talking about the day after fantasy football “Championship Week”, probably the most masochistic weekend in all of fantasy sports, so yeah, it’s going to be theme. So with the Saints losing to the Falcons, we now have a NFC South “Superbowl” with the Panthers visiting the Falcons to decide who gets the home playoff defeat. Yes, the Saints are as good as eliminated, but if I understand math correctly (I really don’t), if this game ends in a tie, the Falcons, Panthers, and Saints will all just trigger a nuclear reaction that will re-birth the universe. What a place that would be! In other Sunday news, it’s apparent the NFL wants a Patriots vs. Cowboys Superbowl, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it. Then again, I probably wasn’t ready for a 7-8-1 (or a 7-9) playoff team… so there’s that I guess…

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Odell Beckham Jr. is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.

There are so many things to talk about after Week 15 is now in the books. Even the goal posts are changing! We saw the beginning of the “Johnny Football Shutout Sadness Suck Balls Gabbert F*ck Up Noun 27.3 Quarterback Rating”, the ending of the Jim Harbaugh era in San Francisco, and of course there’s the NFC South, where the Panthers (5-8-1), Saints (5-8), and Falcons (5-9) are now all within a game of each other for the division lead AND in line for a top-10 draft pick. If that isn’t a dumpster fire, then my friend, you’ve never seen a dumpster fire. The Colts, Broncos, and Patriots clinched playoff appearances, which I believe is the 987th consecutive year these three teams have done it. And then there’s, of course, the growing legend of Odell Beckham Jr.. And don’t be surprised that every Giants game from here on out will follow the formula of: Interception, derp, injury, derp, Odell Beckham does something awesome, interception, Odell Beckham does something even more awesome, derp. Oh, almost forgot. And derp. Honestly though, the Giants offense right now is basically “throw it to Beckham”, and it has to be stated, it’s the best they’ve looked in years. Imagine how great it would be if Tom Coughlin stopped hiding Eli Manning’s Capri Sun…

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Hrm…how am I gonna do this…*Goes and reads ‘How To Sell A Bad Idea For Dummies*. I got it! He’s cheap! Yikes, readers and readettes, we’re really digging down into the down and dirty at QB suggesting Jake Locker at $5,400 but there’s some reason for optimism here. One, it’s your money, not mine…JK. The big reason I’m staring down the barrel of Jake’s cannon arm is the matchup. The Jets have been a wreck in the secondary all year. So bad, they’ve allowed a top 15 or better finish to quarterbacks with names like Alex Smith, Teddy Bridgewater and Kyle Orton (twice). If you were looking for a sign that something’s not working, Orton hanging big weeks on you more than once in a season is a pretty good indicator. Now of course, none of this touts Locker as a great play. He’s a risk. A big one, in fact. There’s no sign nor indication that Locker will ever be a good NFL QB at this point but DFS DGAF, y’all! Boy can scramble. Let’s just pretend that he has ‘started’ 4 games this year since he was hurt half way through week 4 and has played back to back 4th quarters the last two weeks when Zach Mettenberger’s shoulder turned into ground beef. In those ‘4 starts’, Locker has averaged about 34 yards on the ground and has a rushing TD to his credit. The great thing about rushing TDs? They’re worth more than passing TDs…seriously, you play this game, why am I telling you? So Locker could net you 9 points with 30 yards rushing and a TD without doing much out of the norm for his style of play. Now let’s take that ‘could’ and tack on the bad passing defense to date by the Jets that has allowed a 29:5 TD to INT ratio and an average of 258 passing yards a game for the year. Now let’s not kid ourselves, this could easily blow up in our faces like we just got a present from Jokey Smurf so I wouldn’t get cute and play him in cash games. That said, if you’re a GPP’in, you’re lookin’ to cut corners on pricing wherever you can and this could be that one time you’ll remember the 2014 Titans fondly. Enjoy. But enough about Denzel Washington, let’s move on. Here’s my red hot takes for the week 14 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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As Grey pointed out yesterday, I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday of the year, mostly because I cook, drink, and football the sh*t out of it. And, of course, it’s a day of thanks, so what better thing is there to do than to thank you, the Razzball community? Well, now that I think of it, I should probably thank your mom for that one thing at that one position that happened multiple times… But seriously, the truth is, I’ve been lucky to be given the opportunity to entertain, help, and interact with all you, and I love it. And all I have to do is fart and d*ck jokes all day long. That being said, after enjoying my extravaganza of a feast (I’d be happy to share my recipes in the comments if you’re interested), I will admit… I may have napped too long. When I woke up and saw the ending of the Eagles-Dallas game, I thought I slept right into December. In fact, Romo actually saw his shadow yesterday, confirming that Romocember has arrived early. There was also a Bears-Lions game that was captivating for about a quarter and then there was a Seahawks-49ers match-up featuring Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll. And I’ll admit, I hadn’t seen an interaction between two assholes like that since I watched Requiem for a Dream

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With the fantasy football gods feasting on the blood, bones, and ligaments of running backs almost weekly, how did Ahmad Bradshaw make it this long? Bradshaw is so injury prone, Jordan Reed pities the Colts rusher. It seems like just when you begin to trust Bradshaw, he always gets hurt. Well, at least we had several weeks this season where he was trusted and startable. We should be thankful for that. I wonder at this point if we’ve seen the last of him. He’s 29 and seems to have broken nearly every bone in his body in the past three seasons. Too bad, I always felt he had one of the better skill sets when it came to being an effective rusher and receiver. Ahmad Bradshaw, we here at the Handcuff Report salute you for your many years of service as a handcuff. Stay fuzzy sweet prince…

Note: Don’t forget to come visit me on the new Razzball Fantasy Soccer home everyday of the week. Smokey and I have leagues registering now. If you’re not familiar with the format, NBD, relax, you got us. Smokey and I are giving you the best Fantasy Premier League coverage out there. If you haven’t tried fantasy EPL, you’re missing out. So sign up and use us as your guide.

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Follow me, if you will, into the minds of the casual DraftKings player. Casual player sees Kyle Orton and how badly he played on Thursday Night Football. Casual player is disgusted by this. Casual player is even more disgusted by Kyle’s neck beard. Casual player is never playing Orton in any fantasy situation, ever. Well, sorry casuals but that’s how you lose: by saying never. That’s the great thing about this here game we play. It’s daily, not seasonal. You don’t have to own Kyle the entire year, you just have to own him for the right matchup and when the price is right, you’re even better off. Now I’m gonna discuss a bit of strategy. It’s a general way of processing or viewing your salaries over there on the DK. Take those salaries and divide them by 1,000. That should give you some kind of decimal point. For Kyle this week because he’s $5,400, that number would be 5.6. Now take that decimal number and multiply it by 5. For Orton, that gives you (5.6*5=) 28. Casual players don’t do this which is why casual players let a start at home against an opponent who’ve given up the most fantasy points per game to opposing QBs on the year slide by. To date, the Jets have given up 25 passing touchdowns to only 3 INT. Oh and the last time Orton faced them? He collected 4 of those TDs and zero of those INT, finishing with 26.12 DK points. Now I’m not making the promise he’ll do that again but here’s a little dirty DK secret. Those top tier QBs? Yeah, they’re priced about 9K most weeks. So for example, Aaron Rodgers is 9,900 this week. That’s nice. So for him to really reach a good value for you in a tourney, you either need (9.9*5=) 49.5 points from him – his highest point output this year is 39.6 – or you need to find values around him at much lower price tags that will go off. Trust me, I’ve been there and it’s hard to do. It’s much simpler to aim for a lower priced QB with a good matchup most weeks. It’s just too hard to find that blend and be that handicapped at the skill positions most weeks to warrant such a thing. I know, I know, none of this says Orton’s any good but was Austin Davis when he threw for 375 against the Eagles? Yeah, not so much. If given the opportunity to pay down at QB, most weeks follow Nike’s mantra and just do it. All this to say, if you can’t tell, I’m strictly calling Orton a GPP only play this week. Heck, he could get pulled at halftime after the kiss of death vote of confidence on Monday. But it’s hard to imagine that happening so I’ll be rolling with him plenty. But enough about neck beards, let’s get on with this. Here are my red hot takes for the week 12 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Well, that was certainly a Sunday worth remembering. Especially if you’re like me and reset the ole’ memory banks with copious amounts of bourbon throughout the day. You could say these Sunday notes aren’t just for you, but also myself… So here we are, together in this. And together, we saw some interesting things… the Bucs, the 1-8 Bucs (in case you were confused) destroyed Washington. For context, the Falcons destroyed the Bucs. And the Panthers almost beat the Falcons. So according to that, the Panthers would probably beat Washington by 200 points. In fact, with the Raiders only mustering 200 yards of total offense, I’m pretty sure if they faced off against Washington, both teams would find a way to lose. And let’s not forget the Lions having a throwback game to the Matt Millen Era. Peyton Manning thinking it’s the month of January (to be fair, the weather has me convinced of this.) Mark Sanchez returning to form. And then there’s this… the Cardinals are now 9-1. They are now three games ahead of Seattle and San Francisco, and one has to naturally wonder, how is this possible? My answer? Two quick touchdowns and leaning on your defense for three hours… this has been done before many times. So I’m just going to go ahead and write the Cardinals in as a playoff team. In permanent marker. And then prepare myself for the end of the world.

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I’m going to go out on a limb and say that most of you have never heard of nor seen an episode of the television sitcom My Favorite Martian from the mid 1960s. Who am I kidding, I was born in 1977 and barely know much about the show. I watched a random episode or two when I was much younger, and probably again about 10 years ago during a late night online poker tournament on PokerStars. Remember when it was legal to play online poker in the good old U.S of A.? Dem some good times. My Favorite Martian starred Ray Walston as Uncle Martin who was a human looking extraterrestrial from Mars that piloted a one-man spaceship that crashed near Los Angeles.  Tim O’Hara, played by Bill Bixby, discovered Martin and took him in as his roommate. The show centered around the two and their adventures as they kept Martin’s martian origin a secret. The first two seasons were filmed in black and white, while the third and final was in color.

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DO NOT say I didn’t warn you. I made it abundantly clear that starting Jay Cutler was a grave mistake, an error so sacrilegious, not even the usual animal sacrifices would appease the Elder Gods. All week I declared that it was irresponsible journalism to have Cutler in anybody’s Top-10 for this week. Cutler’s numbers in Green Bay are right there in front of everybody’s face. It’s a known fact that he’s David Hasselhoff, blacked out on the bathroom floor eating cheeseburgers type of pathetic when playing in Wisconsin. Hopefully owners realize how ridiculously lucky they were to get that incredible TD from Brandon Marshall, making Cutler’s day somewhere approaching respectable. The only reason he put up decent numbers two weeks ago at New England was because the Patriots went to prevent defense once they were up something like 200 points. The Bears are an absolute joke right now, and my respect for Cutler has collapsed to Michael Lohan levels. Inexcusable all around performance by the Chicago Bears and fantasy analysts everywhere… hold tha phone! I just looked at Jay-bone’s rankings, and now I feel like a real d*ckhole. Let me point out that Jay is one of the most accurate rankers in the world, and that even geniuses like himself (Cutler thing), Kanye West (R&B album that somehow didn’t ruin his career), and Roman Polanski (an affinity for underage women), are prone to minor mistake every now and again. [Jay’s Note: That’s why they call me Jay… Wrong.] I’ll pray to the Elders, that he doesn’t’ delete me on Snapchat for this, or even point out the fact that if it wasn’t for his editorial work, it would look as if a 9-year-old child put this together. [Jay’s Note: You’re too hard on yourself. More like an 11-year-old…] Let’s just move forward with all of our lives, shall we… Gods, I F*CKING DESPISE OWNING JAY CUTLER.

I am Tehol Beddict, and this is, Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!

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DeMarco Murray is no longer on pace to break the single season record for rushing yards. He is, however, on pace to finish the season with 1,973 yards on the ground. To do so he will have to maintain his average of 123 yards per game. Dallas’s remaining opponents are NYG, PHI, CHI, PHI, IND and WAS. The only team that isn’t giving up at least 100 rushing yards per game in that list are the Colts who fall just below at 98.1 yards per game. The New York Football Giants are ranked the worst in the league giving up a league high 144.7 yards per game. These remaining teams combined are allowing 696.2 yards per game. That’s an average of 116 yards. I don’t see Murray maintaing the 123 yards per game pace, but I could definitely see him averaging 85. That would close him out for the season with 1743 yards which would be the 2nd most in a season in the last 5 years behind Adrian Peterson who racked up 2097 yards in 2012. His current pace has him at 390 carries for the season. That number concerns me…

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