As if the injuries weren’t bad enough, now we get to add in bye weeks to the train wreck known as Fantasy Football in 2014. This week, you’re missing Arizona, St. Louis, Seattle, Denver, Cleveland and Cincinnati to pile on with the problems. Let’s dive in and see who can help your team out on a bumpy Week 4.

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Welcome to the Handcuff Report, 2014 primer. The Almighty J-FOH has bestowed upon me the honor of keeping you knuckleheads up to date on the latest NFL arrests, felonies, and misdemeanors. If Steven Ridley and Shane Vereen are smoking weed in a Pontiac Firebird, we’ll be there. If  Titus Young finds his way back into the league, we’ll be there. If Golden Tate decides to steal maple bars from a Detroit bakery, we’ll be there. You get the point…. Wait.?!?! That’s not what this post covers?…. It’s about running back committee’s? …Hmmm I don’t think that’s right. Jay, I think we have a problem…..I had 1,300 words about Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Le’veon Bell, and LeGarrette Blount. It seemed reasonable, there are a lot of arrests, and they do in fact impact our rosters. But okay… I got it now, you meant handcuff in a less literal sense. Oops! Welp, time to refocus. I guess instead I’ll be discussing the ever evolving Running Back committee situations around the league. For today and at least the first few weeks of the season, I’ll be providing a list of depth charts and commenting on the situations I feel need to be covered. In other words I’ll be spending less time on teams like the Vikings, Bears, or Seahawks and more time on teams like the Lions, Falcons, and Dolphins. As the season progresses, I’ll probably switch to more of a “handcuffs to watch format”, where I’ll cover a handful of backs with expanding roles. But who knows, we’ll see, you guys can tell me in the comments if you like the depth chart rankings. I’m cool with that. After today I will be sticking with the tried and true tiered approach (say that three times fast Micro Machine Man) and the tier names that J-FOH had last year, because what else is there outside of Fuzzy, Standard Issue Police, and Duct taped handcuffs? That pretty much covers the handcuff gamut. No??? Are there other varieties besides the ones covered?  Like those weird plastic ones, that cops use, maybe? Did you notice I said “cops use”… do you know why? Because Standard Issue Police That’s Why!!!

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Greetings and salutations, one and all. You’re here for the all important last rankings review of the 2013 Fantasy Football season. We went back through all the important ones so far like the Top 20 Quarterbacks, Top 20 Tight Ends, Top 20 Wide Receivers, Top 40 Wide Receivers, Top 20 Running Backs, and now that we’ve gone to the end of the road…still I can’t let go. How many guys out there wanted to be Michael McCary? Like, who needs to sing when you sound like a subwoofer when you talk? If the movie Private Parts taught me anything, it’s not the size of the speaker, it’s how close you stick the woofer to your tweeter. But yeah, enough innuendo, this is recap time. A time to reflect on the year that was in the hopes we can glean a bit about what year is to come so that we can repeat the same mistakes and sit depressed eating a gallon of ice cream while watching The Bachelor, crying…forever alone. Some of these names will be expected, some un and others ‘ummm…’ but over all there’s as much hope in this group as their was in the top 20 so keep your minds and hearts open y’all, cuz if you don’t I’m going to get a bone saw and a rib spreader to show you how, m’kay? But enough about my unorthodox version of the board game Operation, let’s have at it. Here’s the Top 40 Running Backs from the 2013 Fantasy Football season…

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Aaron Rodgers’ collarbone injury impacts everyone in fantasy football. Rodgers is one of the most consistent and healthiest quarterbacks in the league. He’s going to be out up to six weeks with a fractured collarbone.

At least that’s an injury fantasy owners can cope with. It’s serious enough to miss a few games but not enough to put him on the shelf for the season. The other nice thing about it is that Rodgers should be healthy when it comes to fantasy playoff time. So should Randall Cobb.

This kind of an injury (even in the non-throwing shoulder) is one that the Packers will have to be careful on how to treat him and let him heal. Rodgers probably won’t even run for the next three weeks because you want the rehab of this to not be bumpy and jarring. He’s going to spend a lot of time on the bike to keep in shape while he waits for his collarbone to heal up. Even something like a speed bump, if taken too fast, will send waves of pain into his collarbone. It’s going to take time and a lot of softness to get Rodgers healed.

That said, the Packers are accepting donations of bubble wrap to protect their quarterback in for the next four to six weeks.

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Tonight, we answer the question to why Mike Tolbert is relevant. How does anyone in Carolina notice when his name isn’t Newton, not the cookie, the quarterback. Why do Americans love their football so much and politicans so little, tell me your thoughts at #idiots rule. Why does this only sound good in my own head when I do this in a Steven Colbert voice? Maybe it’s the 6 beers and three glasses of scotch I’ve had. I don’t know, you can watch the real Colbert Report if your are already tired of this. In the spirit of the Colbert Report we will do the Word about Mr. Tolbert. He’s scored 3 on the ground and 2 through the air this year. All of those TD’s came in victories for the Panthers. Like any owner of the most relevant fullback in football, we hope Señor Rivera sees this too and decides to give him a chance to score every week because Tolbert +TD = VICTORY….for them and you. He’s a great bye week filler and will be someone to watch for match ups every week. I think the risk is similar to Danny Woodhead earlier in the year when we were unsure whether to start him or not for fear of touches. With the Panthers on a roll, I would go big, literally and send Tolbert out there if you have the need. He faces the Falcons this week who are competing with the Texans for biggest disappointment of the year award.

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When Reggie Wayne went down for the remainder of the year, the first thing I heard about was DHB stepping up. Stepping up to do what? Drop the ball more? And it’s here where I said ‘Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears’. And when I realized no one was listening I said this whole DHB love was absurd and that the one you want would be TY Hilton. You think I’d lie to you? I have Hilton as a top 10 WR this week and plan to have him as one for many weeks to come. So of course, DHB will use this bye week to realize trying to catch the ball with the back of his hands is pointless and goes off. Because life’s like that. In other news, I have James Jones high simply because I think he’ll be ready to go. If he’s not? You see where Boykin is? Well delete Jones and move Boykin up there. It’s that simple. In other news, J-Stew is expected back in Carolina. As if Tolbert wasn’t F’ing things up for everyone who owned DeAngelo, we now have Williams not practicing and a third pair of hands to muck around with things. Oh well, we drafted a flex we knew that’s what we’d get…we just wanted so much more…In other news, I don’t get the Russell Wilson ranking love. Sure, he’s the 11th best according to ESPN fantasy scoring but ahead of guys like RG3 who’ve had their bye. Plus it’s at home and you know Marshawn is angry after his last showing. I expect full BeastMode and at least 15 middle fingers and you should too. Foles & McCown? Surprise! Think gameflow and general skillset will make them top 12 options this week. Shonn Greene should be an interesting flex play for teams that are in need as the news from the Titans is he should get 15 touches if he’s healthy enough to go. Worried about CJ?K? Don’t be. Those are the carries up the middle that he was giving you 1.2 YPC on. No, that’s not an actual stat, just a guesstimate. He’s been terrible between the tackles this year anyways, I’m hoping we see him more in the passing game with this game plan laid out. Your DST this week? Pick a flavor. Lot of good defenses with reasonable matchups out there. Definitely streaming season. But enough, we prattle on too long. Let’s get to the week 9 rankings for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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Welcome once again my fantasy friends to The Razzball Lounge. The Lounge is the place we fake football scribes gather to talk the trash, tease the Tehol and drown the sorrows in early morning Bloody Mary’s – hey bartender, make it spicy and put a pickle in that! JB, that’s not a pickle. This week in the lounge it’s our annual Razzballin’ Halloweeny Spooktacular. That means you drink anytime someone screams “Ghostbusters” and also explains why Sky is dressed as a pregnant nun and snorting crushed up Smarties off the bar. “Hey guys, anyone want a bump?” Sky loves his sugar high and just can’t kick the habit. See what I did there? *high fives no one* Dropping quarters at the jukebox Jay Wrong plays “The Monster Mash” for the 23rd time. “Check out my Jennifer Lawrence costume!” *bottle smashes above head* It should be noted that Jay’s “Jennifer Lawrence” costume consists only of a brown wig and yoga pants. One of these things he wears on a regular basis. Locked in the ladies room the one and only Tehol Beddict, clad in his 6th grade He-Man Masters of the Universe costume, is sharing his “fun-size Snickers” with this handsome lady. “I thought she was dressed as a member of the Village People? Really.” And standing here at the pool table in my Edward Scissorhands get-up is your humble-but-nonetheless-festive Guru. *closes eye, aims cue, fires ball through window, cuts face* “You try to shoot with scissors for hands!” Here be the Week 9 Fantasy Frankensteins. It’s time to jam it or cram it.

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Alright! Stop what your doing, cuz I’m about to ruin, the image and the style that ya used to. Greetings all! Tis I, a man who has tossed more salads than Chef Emeril, the fabulous Mr. Beddict. Comin at cha live and in full effect, to bring you the heat and inside scoop on the men who will either traject you on to glorious fantasy wins and those of whom will you want to avoid like a she-male Thai hooker with full ownership of every STD on planet earth. We’ve all been there right? No? Just me? Alllllrighty then. I know many of you are saddened by the fact that I’m back after a no-show last week, as you were thanking the Gods that I was finally fired and had hopefully had my nuts clipped in a tragic modeling accident but that’s just not the case. A week off was needed as I traveled to Bangladesh to take every child at the Beddict orphanage in Bangladesh base jumping. Modeling and writing about sports is how I live a luxurious lifestyle, but my real passion is my hobby: taking my Beddict sponsored orphans base jumping. My immense generosity and stunning good looks are not what these posts are about so let’s move on to that shall we?

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There are certain players that make me wish that Fantasy Football Roto were more common. I think I’ve heard them called ‘total points leagues’ before which is probably more apropos but since I love fantasy baseball and fantasy football, I always try to find a way to amalgamate the two into my understanding of the world. I actually thought it would be a great beginners league to do H2H football but with categories. You know: Passing Yards you either win or lose like baseball head to head…*Crickets*. Ok, clearly I’m talking to myself. You like the traditional tried and true. The head to head format that pits mano-a-mano, mano-a-womano and sometimes even womano-a-womano. Hrm, now I’m thinking of mud wrestling…sorry lady readers, my reptilian brain has clearly only progressed so far. But I digress, I bring up this topic of points leagues because Cam Newton is the epitome of a QB you’d want to draft in a total points league. Cam has spent the last two years floating between mediocre to living up to his moniker of Superman and this year his schism hasn’t balanced out any better. Coming into tonight, Cam had 2 games of scoring 25 or more twice on the year, and three where he scored between 12 and 16 and topped off with a 6 point performance against the Cards after scoring a season high 30. But after a 27 point night against the Bucs, Cam is back in his owner’s good graces and honestly that’s where he should stay. You drafted him to be a top 5 QB and so far, the stats say he’s well on his way. If you didn’t want the roller coaster ride, you shouldn’t have bought the ticket. To give you a different analogy, you liked it and you decidedly put a ring on it. Sometimes you get this Beyonce and sometimes you get the other Beyonce. You got 99 problems and the B!@#$ ain’t one and other times…well, yikes. It’s the life of being a Cam owner. You either hate it or embrace it but either way you lack discipline if his imbalance throws you off. In other news from TNF for 2013 Fantasy Football…

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Welcome back to the infirmary as good old Sawbones is back for another season of bringing all of the injury news to you.
Hopefully, you’re not suffering from a case of getting Peyton Manning rammed down your throat from last night. That was an insane game with seven touchdown passes and 46 points in most standard formats.

Just remember, it’s only one week and a lot could happen before you play the team with Peyton…again.

This week’s injury list is a little shorter than usual since there aren’t a whole pile of players who are hurt. Let’s grab the charts and see who’s already visiting the infirmary.

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