While many of us wondered why we would ever watch a Colts and
Texans Oilers (their momma named ’em the Oilers, so I’m going to call ’em the Oilers) Sunday Night Football game, you have to remember that we all make bad life decisions. I mean, what’s the NLCS anyways? Is that like the LGBT or something? But hey, sometimes the games that you give zero efs about with no one to cheer for turn out great. This was not one of those times, at least not until the fourth quarter where we suddenly found ourselves in overtime (where I immediately said to myself: “sh*t, we’re in overtime”). Since the Texans Oilers aren’t a real team, it probably made a lot of sense there was a fairytale ending (thanks in large part to that amazing catch by Jaelen Strong shown above). On top of that, you might wonder why we’re talking about the Texans Oilers, and I’d like to use it as a fantasy football segue… Week 6 is behind us and at this point, and you should know where you are in the great and very metaphorical fantasy football landscape. Much like how the Texans Oilers, now at 4-2, know that they are a team that is in the hunt for the playoffs, they could use a little bit more help from certain players, and a little bit luck to make their push. I’d like to think that describes a majority of fantasy teams out there right now, minus the whole Brock Osweiler thing. What I’m saying here might even describe fantasy teams that find themselves atop their respective leagues, but unfortunately, probably not the teams that find themselves at the bottom with an 0-6 record. Coming back from such a deficit may not be worth thinking about, so in times like this when you are way behind (something I’m quite familiar with… something we all are), my recommendation is to drink up. I mean, don’t drink too much… motionless and face down is not how I want to see anybody. (There’s a great Bill Cosby joke around here somewhere, but I’ll settle for: I’ll take “Things Darren Sharper has never said” for $1,000 Alex.) But if you’re one of the teams lagging a bit behind, let’s say you are 1-5 or 2-4, and desperate hope combined with dark wizardry are the only vehicles driving your will to play until another fantasy obsession distracts you (granted, Texans Oilers games are technically considered torture porn, if that’s your thing), well, now is the time to do wild stuff. Do some crazy trades, make some risky decisions, just let all your inhibitions go. True, this might be like buying an extra bottle of Centrum Silver to help fight stage four lung cancer, but… you’ve got nothing to lose. And for those of you are in the middle of all this mess? Well then, that’s why Razzball is here. Oh, and if you’re a Colts or Texans Oilers fan, I’d appreciate it if you found some different teams to like…
While many of us wondered why we would ever watch a Colts and
Welcome everybody to this week’s edition of “I’m Sorry Guys”, our recurring series here at Razzball where I apologize for not being in the comments for last week’s article and for not doing my normal weekly opening paragraph due to major life events. This week, I’ll talk about how I didn’t write the usual lede because I just got engaged this past weekend, and nobody bothered to tell me that planning a wedding is pretty much a second full-time job. How’d I get engaged, you ask? Well, it was a dreary Saturday in Central Park… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this is actually another installment of Deep Impact, and also that nobody cares how I got engaged (that’s pretty rude, Jay, but thanks for responding to the questions last week). Let’s jump right into these names, folks.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Fantasy Football can be amazing really. One week you’re riding high and the next, you’re losing to somebody who didn’t set a lineup in previous weeks. That’s where Justin Mason found himself in Week 3… “SAD” to quote presidential hopeful Donald Trump. I mean look at this kid; the only thing he dominates is a box of mini donuts, and HE knocked off the league leader after two weeks by the second-largest point differential – after yours truly doubled the score of Andy Singleton. Justin’s fellow Dream Leaguers didn’t hesitate to point out just about a week ago he was lauding how weak the league was, the lack of competition, and his overall dominance. Now he’s back in the pack, trying to rebuild his once proud reputation.
Meanwhile, Sauce celebrates the good times after moving to 3-0 with a strong win over the DFS king himself, Motown Mauler. Stacie had her way with Lord Beddict (something under circumstances different than fantasy football I’m sure he’d be more than alright with) which set up an epic exchange with Ralph Lifshitz for this upcoming week. Pull no punches, Ralph did (a little Yoda impression for you there) in this week’s episode. So much more of what the Polo Rican had to say was left out of the video because the FCC has about 50 rules against his content.
So sit back, getcha popcorn ready, and enjoy the latest installment of the Dream League… The Dwazy Awakens.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Most would have undoubtedly considered the lineup I am about to throw at you to be ridiculous had I recommended it last week for last week’s matchups. I am certain my readership would have plummeted from fifteen to about five. Even though that’s an eighty percent decrease can I still use the word “plummet” considering how small the numbers are with which we are working? There are more than fifteen people in any of the men’s rooms at any given time at an NFL stadium during a game. Are those my followers? Are you sh!tting me? I love it! While most would have quickly clicked “unsubscribe to malamoney’s posts”, when they read the papers on Monday morning and saw the results, I’m not sure if they would have called me lucky, and lucky idiot, or just an idiot. Probably all three, which is technically the second option. Led by Alex Smith and Theo Riddick, the following lineup would have won just about any matchup in its path…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back, my horde, to the first official hit it or quit it for the 2016 season! Sure, I teased you all a little bit with some of my draft and preseason action, but this is the real thing, baby! Hopefully, you all made it through week 1 without my “Black Widow Curse” taking out your first round draft picks? I know I made it unscathed this week. I think I am finally getting the hang of this thing and embracing the evil that is this curse rather than trying to fight it. I know a couple of you lost some people, and for that, I wish I could say I was sorry, but I am embracing the evil, remember? So, at least I can make it up to you some way by maybe giving you some people to target this coming week. Because, after all, I am not a girl who just takes. I know the importance of giving as well as receiving, especially if we are going to make this love affair last. So, without further ado, here you are my loyal creeps, weirdos, perverts, geeks, convicts, inmates and overall degenerates, Hit It or Quit It, Week 2.Please, blog, may I have some more?
What’s up fans of American Football!? It’s your good buddy Honcho back to walk you through the AFC North. Yuck. That was my first reaction when I was assigned this division. I mean, can you think of four teams that deserve each other more than this group of franchise swapping, Super Bowl gloating, bad chili pushing tough-guy wannabees? Yeah, me either. This division is tough to love. I mean truly it is. But I’m here to give you the tour so let’s proceed.
Our first objective is to identify the participants. Let’s start with the Cleveland Browns. Okay, cool. So you’re feeling good about the NBA season, but guess what LeBron’s not under center…..And that’s probably a bad thing. They hired a baseball analytics specialist to ruin – errrrr I mean run things. The Dodgers thought so little of him they ran him out-of-town. What could possibly go wrong? So here’s the thing…I think they’re on the right track, accumulating draft picks and athletes – but this isn’t the year. Heading south, but still staying in Ohio we find the Cincinnati Bengals who have a better than average team, but just can’t win a playoff game. They’ll give it another shot this season and will probably challenge the Steelers for the top spot in the division. Speaking of the Steelers….Is there a more insufferable fan base in football? I’ve been to Pittsburgh more than a few times and you know what? Every Steelers’ fan looks the same. How is that possible? The jorts say it’s summer, the tucked in jersey says it’s football season, but the waistline says you gave up a long time ago. Ha! Just kidding Pittsburgh, I love your city! Mostly due to Primanti Brothers but hey, gotta start somewhere, right? This year you’re the team to beat in the North. Don’t mess this up. Finally we have the Ravens. Flacco’s back. That’s good. They signed Trent Richardson and then proceeded to release him shortly after. He didn’t even stick around to try Ray-Ray’s famous “Deer-Antler” spray. That was rude. Anyway, the Ravens are staring 8-8 right in the face, but if any team can luck box their way into the playoffs it’s this bunch.
So, with all that said the fantasy relevant information awaits. Per usual, I’ll list the teams in order of predicted finish. Here we go!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Actually, a few have already happened (and we’ll talk about them a bit after the jump), but, just like the title alludes to, the table is set, the forks and spoons are in their right place, and hopefully there’s food ready and on the way. In terms of the RCL universe (since I’m hungry and if there are any more food metaphors, I’ll eventually end up eating my monitor), the “league” has taken shape and drafts are about to begin. (But that doesn’t mean you still can’t create and join your choice of RCLs!) And, I want to touch on this: when I say “league”, I mean league, not leagues. Because ef pluralization… I mean, what has it ever done for me? Regardless, you have to remember, this is one complete universal league. The Milky Way of Fantasy Football if you will, including Antonio Brown, Saturn, and of course, Uranus. Don’t roll your eyes, you knew it was coming. Regardless, what I’m trying to say is, join any league you like, create as many as you want, and be part… of the universe. Mutha. Effing. Deep.
Now, as promised last paragraph (remember the good old days?), there actually have already been some drafts that have taken place (including a league hosted by yours truly, Lord Tehol, and our very own Stan Son!) and we’ll take a look at some of what happened in these three leagues to give everyone a general idea of what a terrible idea it is to draft early. I swear, half my team will be injured by the end of the preseason…Please, blog, may I have some more?
As we are just days away from Thanksgiving, the NFL Playoff picture is taking shape. (Just as your fantasy leagues move into the playoff portion of their respective schedules.) No team looks particularly dominant, even with two undeafted teams (the Panthers and Patriots) as near-locks to play in January. Each team has a particular set of weaknesses, weaknesses that they have acquired in the first 11 weeks, weaknesses that make it nightmare for all of us. Case in point, the Bengals losing to the Cardinals during Sunday Night Football… Cincinnati is the Enron of football; Promising start, get everyone invested early… and when they fold they leave a lot of people wondering what the f*ck just happened. The Falcons are part of the NFC South, relegating them to disappoint whenever possible, and the Vikings have had their issues (mainly everything on the offense that hasn’t abused a child) and the Giants and Bills will find a way to lose their next five games. I’m sure. The Broncos and Colts have quarterback issues, and the Packers and Steelers have interesting ways of defining “defense” and “play-calling”. That essentially leaves the Panthers (who calmly brushed Washington aside yesterday) as the most-likely strongest team going into the last few months of the season. An NFC South team making possibly going deep into the playoffs? What I time we live in folks. What. A. Time.
Here’s what else I saw during Week 11’s Sunday games…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Luckily there are no major injuries this week that would kill fantasy football owners. Minor injuries? Sure, but that’s what I’m here for. To tell you who to stash, drop, and even start as well. This week, it’s time to part ways with some of our high draft picks even though my heart is literally in pain having to tell you some of them. Even though I did love some of them, I don’t as much anymore and have to let them go for the next “hot thing” to come along.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Good god, what was that?
In what, dare I say, was a pretty good football game for a majority of the time (let’s just agree to not include a very morose and slug-paced fourth quarter), the Patriots continued their trend of
deflating balls, cheating, receiving biased officiating, beating the Colts, which, based on recent history, was really no surprise. However, as I mentioned in last night’s Sunday Night Football Live Thread, this game really had no business being close, and it’s a testament to either Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis offense playing competently or the New England defense not being as good as we thought. In this case, it might have been a little of both (not including fourth downs, as shown above). But eventually, nature was able to drive the score to it’s most natural environment when mistakes from the Colts started to stack, all with a heaping side of LeGarrette Blount to help drive it all home. Which leads me to wonder, when the Colts draft defensive players, do they make sure that they can’t tackle first? Haha, just kidding, the Colts only draft wide receivers. With the win, the Patriots continue, along with the Bengals, Broncos, Packers, and Panthers to be the only unbeaten teams through Week 6. I’d say half of those teams are mediocre and the other half deserve their record. I’ll let you figure out which team gets the 0.5 left over from that equation…