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Most would have undoubtedly considered the lineup I am about to throw at you to be ridiculous had I recommended it last week for last week’s matchups. I am certain my readership would have plummeted from fifteen to about five. Even though that’s an eighty percent decrease can I still use the word “plummet” considering how small the numbers are with which we are working? There are more than fifteen people in any of the men’s rooms at any given time at an NFL stadium during a game. Are those my followers? Are you sh!tting me? I love it! While most would have quickly clicked “unsubscribe to malamoney’s posts”, when they read the papers on Monday morning and saw the results, I’m not sure if they would have called me lucky, and lucky idiot, or just an idiot. Probably all three, which is technically the second option. Led by Alex Smith and Theo Riddick, the following lineup would have won just about any matchup in its path…

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Welcome back, my horde, to the first official hit it or quit it for the 2016 season!  Sure, I teased you all a little bit with some of my draft and preseason action, but this is the real thing, baby!  Hopefully, you all made it through week 1 without my “Black Widow Curse” taking out your first round draft picks?  I know I made it unscathed this week.  I think I am finally getting the hang of this thing and embracing the evil that is this curse rather than trying to fight it.  I know a couple of you lost some people, and for that, I wish I could say I was sorry, but I am embracing the evil, remember?  So, at least I can make it up to you some way by maybe giving you some people to target this coming week.  Because, after all, I am not a girl who just takes.  I know the importance of giving as well as receiving, especially if we are going to make this love affair last.  So, without further ado, here you are my loyal creeps, weirdos, perverts, geeks, convicts, inmates and overall degenerates, Hit It or Quit It, Week 2.

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02_AFC-NorthReport_news

What’s up fans of American Football!? It’s your good buddy Honcho back to walk you through the AFC North. Yuck. That was my first reaction when I was assigned this division. I mean, can you think of four teams that deserve each other more than this group of franchise swapping,  Super Bowl gloating, bad chili pushing tough-guy wannabees? Yeah, me either. This division is tough to love. I mean truly it is. But I’m here to give you the tour so let’s proceed.

Our first objective is to identify the participants. Let’s start with the Cleveland Browns. Okay, cool. So you’re feeling good about the NBA season, but guess what LeBron’s not under center…..And that’s probably a bad thing. They hired a baseball analytics specialist to ruin –  errrrr I mean run things. The Dodgers thought so little of him they ran him out-of-town. What could possibly go wrong? So here’s the thing…I think they’re on the right track, accumulating draft picks and athletes – but this isn’t the year. Heading south, but still staying in Ohio we find the Cincinnati Bengals who have a better than average team, but just can’t win a playoff game. They’ll give it another shot this season and will probably challenge the Steelers for the top spot in the division. Speaking of the Steelers….Is there a more insufferable fan base in football? I’ve been to Pittsburgh more than a few times and you know what? Every Steelers’ fan looks the same. How is that possible? The jorts say it’s summer, the tucked in jersey says it’s football season, but the waistline says you gave up a long time ago. Ha! Just kidding Pittsburgh, I love your city! Mostly due to Primanti Brothers but hey, gotta start somewhere, right? This year you’re the team to beat in the North. Don’t mess this up. Finally we have the Ravens. Flacco’s back. That’s good. They signed Trent Richardson and then proceeded to release him shortly after. He didn’t even stick around to try Ray-Ray’s famous “Deer-Antler” spray. That was rude. Anyway, the Ravens are staring 8-8 right in the face, but if any team can luck box their way into the playoffs it’s this bunch.

So, with all that said the fantasy relevant information awaits. Per usual, I’ll list the teams in order of predicted finish. Here we go!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

GOTrazzRCLdraftComing

Actually, a few have already happened (and we’ll talk about them a bit after the jump), but, just like the title alludes to, the table is set, the forks and spoons are in their right place, and hopefully there’s food ready and on the way. In terms of the RCL universe (since I’m hungry and if there are any more food metaphors, I’ll eventually end up eating my monitor), the “league” has taken shape and drafts are about to begin. (But that doesn’t mean you still can’t create and join your choice of RCLs!) And, I want to touch on this: when I say “league”, I mean league, not leagues. Because ef pluralization… I mean, what has it ever done for me? Regardless, you have to remember, this is one complete universal league. The Milky Way of Fantasy Football if you will, including Antonio Brown, Saturn, and of course, Uranus. Don’t roll your eyes, you knew it was coming. Regardless, what I’m trying to say is, join any league you like, create as many as you want, and be part… of the universe. Mutha. Effing. Deep.

Now, as promised last paragraph (remember the good old days?), there actually have already been some drafts that have taken place (including a league hosted by yours truly, Lord Tehol, and our very own Stan Son!) and we’ll take a look at some of what happened in these three leagues to give everyone a general idea of what a terrible idea it is to draft early. I swear, half my team will be injured by the end of the preseason…

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Not sure which one is winning the staring contest...

Not sure which one is winning the staring contest…

As we are just days away from Thanksgiving, the NFL Playoff picture is taking shape. (Just as your fantasy leagues move into the playoff portion of their respective schedules.) No team looks particularly dominant, even with two undeafted teams (the Panthers and Patriots) as near-locks to play in January. Each team has a particular set of weaknesses, weaknesses that they have acquired in the first 11 weeks, weaknesses that make it nightmare for all of us. Case in point, the Bengals losing to the Cardinals during Sunday Night Football… Cincinnati is the Enron of football; Promising start, get everyone invested early… and when they fold they leave a lot of people wondering what the f*ck just happened. The Falcons are part of the NFC South, relegating them to disappoint whenever possible, and the Vikings have had their issues (mainly everything on the offense that hasn’t abused a child) and the Giants and Bills will find a way to lose their next five games. I’m sure. The Broncos and Colts have quarterback issues, and the Packers and Steelers have interesting ways of defining “defense” and “play-calling”. That essentially leaves the Panthers (who calmly brushed Washington aside yesterday) as the most-likely strongest team going into the last few months of the season. An NFC South team making possibly going deep into the playoffs? What I time we live in folks. What. A. Time.

Here’s what else I saw during Week 11’s Sunday games…

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Luckily there are no major injuries this week that would kill fantasy football owners. Minor injuries? Sure, but that’s what I’m here for. To tell you who to stash, drop, and even start as well. This week, it’s time to part ways with some of our high draft picks even though my heart is literally in pain having to tell you some of them. Even though I did love some of them, I don’t as much anymore and have to let them go for the next “hot thing” to come along.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Good god, what was that?

In what, dare I say, was a pretty good football game for a majority of the time (let’s just agree to not include a very morose and slug-paced fourth quarter), the Patriots continued their trend of deflating balls, cheating, receiving biased officiating, beating the Colts, which, based on recent history, was really no surprise. However, as I mentioned in last night’s Sunday Night Football Live Thread, this game really had no business being close, and it’s a testament to either Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis offense playing competently or the New England defense not being as good as we thought. In this case, it might have been a little of both (not including fourth downs, as shown above). But eventually, nature was able to drive the score to it’s most natural environment when mistakes from the Colts started to stack, all with a heaping side of LeGarrette Blount to help drive it all home. Which leads me to wonder, when the Colts draft defensive players, do they make sure that they can’t tackle first? Haha, just kidding, the Colts only draft wide receivers. With the win, the Patriots continue, along with the Bengals, Broncos, Packers, and Panthers to be the only unbeaten teams through Week 6. I’d say half of those teams are mediocre and the other half deserve their record. I’ll let you figure out which team gets the 0.5 left over from that equation…

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Like always, this week entailed some shock, some disappointments, and some anger and confusion. I’d like to reach out to anyone who played Jamaal Charles on Sunday. I was one of them, and it sucks. However, there’s nothing you can do. Injuries happen, and you cannot prevent them. I get it. Fantasy sports is exciting stuff. I go bananas over season-long fantasy football, so I can understand how people go bananas over DFS. It’s serious fun. I even have played DFS Golf, MLB, NASCAR, MMA, and NHL, trying to win more money than I have ever made in my entire life. And you do the same. So where do I come in? I want people to listen to me, to play that player at that position, and to walk away 25,000 times richer than they already are. I really do. However, certain people don’t (and that’s okay), certain people do, and then someone like Sam Bradford throws three interceptions. What I don’t want people to do is to consider putting food on the table for their kids, or to deposit an extra $10 to try, and fail at winning $25K because they are certain that Owen Daniels will have a great game against the defense that allows the most fantasy points to TE’s. I want people to enjoy doing this, and most importantly, have fun. Fantasy Football should be an escape from any drama that is occurring in one’s life. Have fun. Enjoy the smack talk, the late nights, the waiver wire, messing with your lineup at 5:00 AM on Sunday before you turn on NFL GameDay morning. Enjoy it. Let’s review Week 4, shall we?

Join Jay and your fellow Razzball readers in a special Razzball only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-12 finishers in a 55-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

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Please Note: Most lineups in most formats, including Daily Fantasy, will lock at 9:30 AM EDT (6:30 AM PDT) tomorrow because of the London game. Don’t forget to set your lineups accordingly!

Greetings! What an exhilarating Thursday Night Football game! Exhilarating if you enjoy watching dumpster fires or binge watching beastiality videos. Sometimes the Elder Gods like to remind us that their more meaningful things one can do with their time other than watch football games. Are you, like me, obsessed with all things NFL? Do you bail out on your significant other or turn down invitations to try exciting new things, simply because you can’t stand the thought of missing out on a single play? Sometimes it’s nice to take a breather, get out of the house and enjoy not being tortured by fantasy football for a few hours. I’d like to challenge those of you that are suffering from the same addiction as myself, to get out and at least take a walk to clear your head and think about some positive changes you can make in your life. Like, for example, stop saving money for your children’s college funds, and instead, send that money to me so that I may continue funding my quest to become world famous. I have Paypal. Cool? Cool, let’s talk about some players I like and dislike, shall we?

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Start Em’, Sit Em’! Take heed!

My rankings have been updated for Sunday’s game and can be found here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hello Razzball! This is the first in a series of weekly articles written by yours truly that will be looking into each of the week’s match-ups and picking out one player I Love and one player that I Hate from each game. Before I get into this week’s picks, I’ll give some background into how I make my picks. The first thing I look at is the Vegas betting lines, specifically the point spread and the over/under totals. These are two huge factors when making picks, especially for daily fantasy sites. If I’m ever debating between two similarly rated players for my Flex position, checking out the point totals could be a deciding factor for me. Of course, between now and kickoff, some of the lines could change by a few points, so it is important to check these again later in the week after some injury situations are cleared up. I’m also going to try and avoid making the obvious picks, as those won’t help anybody. Now, onto the picks!

Please, blog, may I have some more?