Welcome to another edition of Jay’s (hey, that’s me!) Review of all things Week 2. Except for Monday Night Football, just as bad as Thursday Night Football, but now without Chris Berman. So slightly better. Maybe. Who knows actually? I’m just waiting for when the NFL figures out how to have a game on every night and additionally draw out the NFL Draft for entire offseason. You think it might not happen, but Roger Goodell is already telling Robert Kraft to hold his beer (usually it’s his penis). So yeah, that was basically me saying that MNF is too late for this existential journey, maaaan. And sure, what I just typed may have come off as sassy, but that’s only because MB RSVP’d (so many acronyms, so little time!) probably the best GIF from Week 2 with the Lynch Safety Dance. You probably only understood that reference if you’re a member of AARP, but hey, on the bright side, more acronym dropping. So instead, I have chosen Todd Gurley to shine my light upon with the utmost care and love. Which is what I also refer to as a boner. And behold above, if that GIF doesn’t turn you on, I don’t want to be off. I feel like this could be the new Dyson’s vacuum cleaner slogan. Or the first last line I’ll ever say to a first last date. The possibilities are endless, just like a world with a functioning Todd Gurley. Is he back? (Maybe?) Was he ever gone? (Yeah.) (Vague) Answers to these questions and your usual daily allotment of hot takes, yokes (jokes in egg form, or I guess I could have just corrected the typo instead of typing this long sentence out… wait, am I still typing?), and your Week 2 Top Plays in GIF form are all after the jump!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2017 Rankings: Top 200 (Standard, Half-PPR, PPR) | QBRB (Standard, Half-PPR, PPR) | WR (Standard, Half-PPR, PPR) | TE (Standard, Half-PPR, PPR) | K | DST

IDP Rankings: Top 100 | DL | LB | DB

Dynasty Rankings: Top 200QB | RB | WR | TE | Top-50 Rookies

2016 Accuracy Rank QB RB WR TE K DST
Weekly Rankings 9 31 5 27 40 9 4
Draft Rankings 3 66 10 7 23 66 112

Even though I’m not one to pat myself on the back (actually, I am), Razzball has been on an upward curve, bringing some sort of conglomerate synergistic metamorphosis (as they say in the corporate world), providing you an ever-improving ranking accuracy year after year. How do we do it? No clue. It could be dark wizardry. It could be indigestion. It could even be your mother. But I have to admit, this year is going to be daunting, if only because the expectations we’ve placed on ourselves here at Razzball Football are at an all time high (just like my college years). Going from 31st overall to 22nd in Weekly Fantasy Football accuracy is one thing. But going from 22nd to the top-10 in the entire nation last season is quite another. And then on top of that, to finish third overall in our Draft Rankings last year… well, it’d be folly to try and say “Yes, we’re going to try even more, (more better if you believe in remedial English)”, but yeah, I’m going to say it… We’re going to do more better. (My English teacher just placed a bounty on me.) With that said, and my parentheses key broken, here are your 2017 Fantasy Football Kicker Rankings

Please, blog, may I have some more?

2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (PPR) | Top-200 (Half-PPR) | QB | RB | RB (PPR)| WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST | IDP Rankings: Top-100 | DL | DB | LB

A lot of people come to me and ask “How should I go about drafting a kicker?”. And I respond, “Really bro, that’s what you want to talk about?” Actually, not really. None of that ever happens, and there’s a good reason for that. First, I’m always in my mom’s basement, so no one really comes up to me to ask about anything. Secondly, no one actually cares about kickers. Okay, okay, there are *some* people who draft kickers for one reason or another, but all those reasons are wrong. The Razzball approved strategy here is: Don’t be that guy you know. Which I guess is the opposite of Velveeta’s new slogan. We aim high here folks. Look, they are what they are, and that’s a low-tier position on the totem pole of fantasy football. And that’s no joke, because the totem pole exists. Somewhere in New Mexico, with the face of Roger Goodell and Cobra Commander. Hail HYDRA!, amiright? Anyhow, let’s go over a few things about this position (that’s what she said), and then rank-o-rama starts. Prepare your alcoholic beverages…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome once again my festive fake footballers to the Razzball Lounge. Championship week has arrived. As the Fantasy Football season comes to it’s merciful end, it’s time for one more visit to the lounge where we fake football scribes have gathered for our annual Razzball Holiday Spooktacular. It’s that time of year where we don our Santa hats, show off our Christmas balls and toss back warm eggnog spiked with a combination of Canadian Club and rohypnol. The ladies love it! As championship weekend approaches, we find a humbug filled Sky slowly rocking back and forth muttering the words “muscle hamster” over and over. There’s JB settled under the Christmas tree like a drunken Linus, “Did Santa bring me a Luke Kuechly jersey?” At the jukebox we find J-FOH dropping quarters, playing “The Hanukkah Song” for the fifth time and singing, “drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your mara-juanic-ah…” *bottle smashes above head* Meanwhile, the one and only Tehol Beddict asks this young lady, “Wanna see my Festivus pole??” And here at the pool table is your humble holiday sweater wearing Guru contemplating his final jammer/crammer list of fantasy ballers that’ll score you the Shiva, bragging rights and maybe enough cash to spend New Years in Vegas. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, throws up on waitress* “God bless us, every one.”

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Kickers are belly itchers. It’s true.

Rank Kicker Points
1 Neil Rackers 148
2 Mason Crosby 142
3 Stephen Gostkowski 140
4 Nate Kaeding 138
5 Sebastian Janikowski 137
6 Garrett Hartley 134
7 Alex Henery 133
8 Matt Bryant 133
9 Josh Brown 131
12 Adam Vinatieri 128
15 Lawrence Tynes 125
10 Billy Cundiff 123
11 Dan Carpenter 115
14 Rob Bironas 113
18 Shaun Suisham 112
13 Robbie Gould 111
16 Jay Feely 109
17 David Akers 107
30 Jason Hanson 107
19 Josh Scobee 105
20 Olindo Mare 102
21 Graham Gano 100
22 Matt Prater 99
24 Connor Barth 99
23 Ryan Succop 99
25 Jeff Reed 89
26 Ryan Longwell 88
27 Phil Dawson 86
28 Rian Lindell 84
29 Nick Folk 71
31 Nick Novak 70
32 Mike Nugent 67
33 Dan Bailey 57
34 David Buehler 50
35 Shayne Graham 50
Please, blog, may I have some more?