What if we just combined the two best apps in the world and made a Fantasy Tinder app, where I swipe left to get rid of a sucky player, then I swipe right for someone amazing (cough… Jonas Grey… cough), and Tinder does some magical thing where it aligns exactly who needs to be in my life with which players I liked. [Jay’s Note: So, I guess I know who Cam Newton will be matched up with then…] The Finder app (see what I did there?) would help fill up your empty fantasy tank with players from the waiver, and my team could survive.

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How much do I love a cheap QB? Let me count the ways…hrm, let’s not. I have about $6,300 worth of words built up here and I don’t think even with as long winded as I am I could get this all done by Wednesday morning. There are some things I typically appreciate over on DraftKings. One of these things is easily bye weeks. Not sure what the algorithm is that DK uses but for some reason it seems to spit guys coming off buy weeks out much cheaper than they should be. Unless they’re a Patriot and no I’m not referring to Mel Gibson’s American version of Braveheart there (we’ll get to that later…the football stuff not Mel Gibson, sugar tits). In the end, bye weeks tend to underprice guys. Is it a ‘what have you done for me lately’ thing? Is it a glitch in the Matrix? Did someone simply divide by zero? Who knows. All I know is that Tampa Bay is Tampa Bad, giving up the third most passing TDs and allow a 68% completion rate to them on the year. With Robert Griffin III at home and coming off a bye with a reasonable week in his back pocket from week 9 (250/1/1 with 34 rushing yards), I could see him having a strong week 11. Passing for 300 with 2 to 3 TDs wouldn’t be out of the question in my book, although game flow will largely dictate that as they’re a full touchdown favorite this week. The likelihood of him going nuts is pretty minimal so I’d simply say he’s a nice cash game play unless he helps you build a monster GPP roster for the week. Deploy as needed. But enough RG3, let’s get on with what else there is to see. Here’s my red hot takes for the week 11 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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About a week ago, all the buzz in Seattle was about how the decision makers had grown tired of Marshawn Lynch’s antics and that they were ready to chase to him out of town with pitchforks. Apparently, Lynch has a very tense relationship with head coach Pete Carroll and they have little to no communication. You’re kidding me, right? Those two seem like they’d be two peas in a pod. I just had a great idea for a reality show. Lynch and Carroll have to live together in a college dorm room! Every time Pete comes back to their room Marshawn has one of Pete’s ties around the doorknob. Why would Lynch want to be bothered with his head coach when he could care less about the nation’s president? Lynch’s decision to be a “no show” to the team’s Super Bowl victory celebration at the White House did not go over well with many. Sorry Obama, but Marshawn had better things to do than pay you a visit…

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Seriously, though… where are all the players going? It is like LOST has taken over fantasy football land, and all the players are disappearing between injuries and bye weeks. And, of course, this all happens at the most important time of the season when playoff brackets are starting to be established and records are changing in a flash. I have not felt victim to the missing player syndrome as of yet, but next week I know I will.

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I mean, you do have the Arizona Cardinals with the best record in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins suddenly look like they can be competent for certain stretches of time. One of those times including a game against my Chargers. Both the Colts and Eagles (depending on Nick Foles’ status) seem competent enough to being contenders. Even the Steelers have figured a few things out behind Ben Roethlisberger treating the last two games like he met them in a dive bar bathroom. But I think it’s fair to say that the Broncos and Patriots, fulfilling a narrative wet dream on a continual basis, had to have been considered the two best teams. At least until the Patriots destroyed the Broncos yesterday afternoon. While I’m a constant palm-facer when it comes to Peyton Manning’s “cold-weather” narrative, it seems that his “can’t beat the Patriots” narrative may have something to it. Also, there are way too many narratives. Please no more narratives. That being said, despite having their own problems early in the season, the Patriots have seemingly maintained their status as one of the top teams in the NFL, if not the top team. Now that you’ve figured that part out, for the love of god, can you give the ball to Shane Vereen more? Is that too much to ask?

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Ugh, do I have to, Fantasy Gods?  Why must you torture me so?  What did I ever do to you to deserve this?  You touch yourself inappropriately when you think no one is watching.  Ummm, Fantasy Gods care about that?  You’re ruling over a bunch of nerds, what else are we supposed to do?  ‘Check out my fantasy team’ isn’t exactly something you post on Tinder.  Neverthewho!  Eli Manning.  Ugh…I mean, he plays football so there’s that.  Just doesn’t play it well most weeks…so there’s that too.  Then again, he’s coming off a bye and should hopefully be ready and prepared to take on a secondary that got completely wrecked both on the scoreboard and in terms of injuries on week 8…but of course Rashad Jennings might not be back this week and it’s clear the Giants need him…ooph, this is tough.  Eli is gonna throw for 350 and 4 TDs or he’s gonna end with 175, 2 picks and give you Manning face.  There’s really no in between with this guy so for me he’s going to be a GPP only go and even at that, only do it if everyone and their mother says ‘I won’t play Eli this week’ for the contrarian goodness.  Wow, what an inspiring opening!  I think there is more hedging here than even a yard worker could provide.  Clearly it’s time to move on so let’s.  Here’s some other hot takes for the week 9 DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!

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This week sets up to be one of the most complex and challenging one on the waiver wire of the entire season. There are a few reasons for this. First, this week has six teams (Atlanta, Buffalo, Chicago, Green Bay, Detroit and Tennessee) on bye. It’s the most since we had six sit out Week 4. Second, the trade deadline is at 4PM Eastern this afternoon. Rumors are flying around, and you’ll want to wait until the dust settles before making any kind of move to your fantasy roster. My gut feeling says this will be a trade deadline with a couple of big moves that will make ripples across the fantasy landscape. Third, you have to decide if you want to be in on the first wave of claims or wait and see who gets dropped and make a move on reverse waivers. Decisions, decisions…

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After this week in the NFL, I feel like I might need to shed my old-school thinking that a quarterback is not worthy of a first-round draft pick in my fantasy football league. I always refuse to spend my first two picks on anything besides a running back or wide receiver (yes, I have never drafted Peyton.), but I always feel like I get a decent QB (usually Cam Newton and, you know, Cam Newton…) This week, I might adjust my mindset, especially after Newton’s week. Next year, you will see me spending my first round pick for Andrew Luck over LeSean McCoy every single time.

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In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical “Cover No one” formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall’s “motivational speaking” tour after a Miami loss last week, “motivating” everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould.

‘We’ve got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We’ve got a stud offensive line. We’ve got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That’s unacceptable.”

You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell… So, we’ll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn’t call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that’s exactly what’s going to happen, isn’t it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

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An enthralling Thursday Night Football game? What is this dark wizardry you speak of? In a game that immediately started off with a Patriots touchdown in the first minute and a half, reminding us that it was, in fact, Thursday night, the Jets managed to respond with a scoring drive of their own. Sure, that drive and the next two successful ones all ended in field goals, but there was a level competency that I didn’t think the Jets were capable of. Of course, things fall apart, the center cannot hold, something-something, wax poetic, and the 27-25 Patriots led game came down to a field goal at the 58-yard line, which ended up being blocked. There were your usual Jets/Patriot hallmarks though, including such timeless moments as: Rex Ryan angry! Jets excruciating hard-earned first downs! Brady not getting called for intentional grounding, ever! (The one to Vereen and to Gronk, I was closer to the ball watching from home.) And of course a dirty below the knees hit on a quarterback not named Tom Brady that doesn’t get called! But that’s now two games in a row on Thursday that have been quite entertaining, perhaps teasing us for an even better match-up between the Chargers and Broncos next week. Which means it’ll probably suck.

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