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An enthralling Thursday Night Football game? What is this dark wizardry you speak of? In a game that immediately started off with a Patriots touchdown in the first minute and a half, reminding us that it was, in fact, Thursday night, the Jets managed to respond with a scoring drive of their own. Sure, that drive and the next two successful ones all ended in field goals, but there was a level competency that I didn’t think the Jets were capable of. Of course, things fall apart, the center cannot hold, something-something, wax poetic, and the 27-25 Patriots led game came down to a field goal at the 58-yard line, which ended up being blocked. There were your usual Jets/Patriot hallmarks though, including such timeless moments as: Rex Ryan angry! Jets excruciating hard-earned first downs! Brady not getting called for intentional grounding, ever! (The one to Vereen and to Gronk, I was closer to the ball watching from home.) And of course a dirty below the knees hit on a quarterback not named Tom Brady that doesn’t get called! But that’s now two games in a row on Thursday that have been quite entertaining, perhaps teasing us for an even better match-up between the Chargers and Broncos next week. Which means it’ll probably suck.

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In 1983, David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. Years later, he walked through the Great Wall of China. Year after year, he dazzled audiences with his mastery of illusion, sleight of hand, and showmanship. I have watched every television special, seen him live nearly 10 times, and have learned several of his secrets over the years. David Copperfield is the reason magic has become what it is today. But sadly, when magic is at the height of its popularity in what seems to be the era of the street magician and cutting edge in your face magic, he has appeared to disappear.

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Greetings, my fine football friends. I told ya when I left that I wasn’t gone…whatever that means. To be fair, I’ve been here all season covering DraftKings content here with the Razz, if ya didn’t know. That’s the lead article on Wednesdays, IYDK part 2. If you’re wondering why I’m here and Jay’s not, well we’re all human and Jay needed a night to himself, though I heard he brought with him a bottle of scotch, some lube, and the family friendly follow up that every Rick Moranis fan has been waiting for: Honey I Blew Everybody. Hope you enjoyed your night, Jay. Now get the eff back to work! Alright, pimping done, primping starts. Namely Joe Flacco‘s eyebrows. I don’t care what he does on the field, he doesn’t get a pass for his forehead caterpillar. You got cash money, bro, clean that ish up. Now that I’ve done my job in covering what needs not be covered – Flaccbrow – let’s get down to the getting down. Flacco had a huge day…oh, who am I kidding he had a huge HALF. All five of the touchdowns he threw came in the first two quarters as the MRSAneers returned home after two hard-fought games games on the road to roll over and pretend they took ‘ludes at home. We all know every decent QB in the league – and yes, Flacco IS decent and mayhap, a gentleman – can put up big numbers against bad defenses and Tampa Bay has been just that most of the year. Flacco finished 21 of 29 with 306 passing yards, 5 TD passes and zero scheduled waxings…minus the one he gave to the Buccs…OOOOOH BURN. Overall, if you picked him up to stream this week, good on you and you might wanna hold for one more as he gets another extremely leaky defense in the Falcons next week at home. After that, you can drop him and pick up whoever else plays TB. In fact, I almost feel bad for Lovie at this point. Seriously, gonna have to change his name to Hatie Smith after this season is over. Poor schlub…either way, let’s move on. Here are some other looks back on the week 6 that was for 2014 Fantasy Football…

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In a thrilling day of footballing, there were nine games decided by a touchdown or less, three games decided by a field goal or less, and two overtime victories. It was enough to make some teams (looking directly at you Jim Caldwell and the Lions) wonder why someone like Alex Henery, who single-handedly (or footedly? Is that a word?) lost the game against the Kyle Orton led Bills 17-14, (to what was a 58-yard field goal to Dan Carpenter) still holds a job in the NFL. Missing one field goal is okay. Missing two is unacceptable. Missing three in a game, one of which came with 51 seconds remaining… well… if anything, Henery should be immediately cut just for allowing the above photo to be a thing. Fun fact: If you look up the word “d*ckish” in the dictionary, you’ll find a smug Jim Schwartz smiling right back at you. And while you could easily see getting carried off the field after beating Detroit in the fifth week of the regular season as the most Buffalo thing ever (landing as a tie with eating and drinking too much before sobbing uncontrollably… or is that Cleveland?), apparently asking your team to do this in the preseason, as far back as OTA’s seems, I don’t know, spiteful? Smarmy? Maladjusted? Well, to be fair, with Schwartz, no one would ever see him being that kind of guy… But hey, some good came out of this. Kyle Orton threw for over 300+ yards with a touchdown against the number one ranked defense in the NFL, which is pretty good. And probably the eighth sign that the end of the world is here.

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“Start ‘em and Sit ‘em” was on hiatus last week as I made my way to Boston to catch Derek Jeter’s farewell game on Sunday.  Things went well.  Some random dude gave us a free parking pass when we were driving up to Fenway, Jeets got a hit in his last at bat, and I even caught a foul ball.

So did you miss me?  (You’re supposed to say, “yes”).  I’ll just assume you did, and we can all move on.  Fantasy football didn’t stop for me just because I didn’t put out a Week 4 column.  I never got off the saddle — well, maybe once to enjoy a warm bowl of chowdah.  Hopefully you survived that hectic week of byes, and let’s keep on, keepin’ on to Week 5…

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We should all consider Week 4 a success.  We escaped the quarter-season mark with nary a single catastrophic injury.  I’m sure I just jinxed us, but in the NFL, if you can play out an entire week’s worth of games and keep your fantasy roster away from the IR, you, my friends, have won at life itself. Of course, there were a few injuries (Cecil Shorts, Teddy Bridgewater, Niles Paul), but not enough to warrant a rant over.  So this week, we will discuss some previously injured players, who returned to the field or have made notable progress in their recoveries.

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Brian Bellows. Who the h-e-double hockey sticks is Brian Bellows? He was the first round pick (2nd overall) for the Minnesota North Stars in 1982 who went on to become the franchise’s all time leading goal scorer by putting 342 pucks in the net. And it is Neal Broten, a member of the 1980 US Olympic hockey team, that won gold in Lake Placid, who holds the record for points (796) and assists (547). But perhaps the most famous and my favorite North Star is Mike Modano, the all-time goal-scoring and points leader amongst American-born players in the NHL (sorry Dino Ciccarelli fans). In 26 seasons, the North Stars of Minnesota played 2062 regular season games and made the NHL playoffs 17 times, including 2 losing Stanley Cup appearances. In 1993 they said goodbye to Bloomington, Minnesota and its fans and moved to Dallas, Texas rebranding themselves as the Dallas Stars. Poor attendance during a string of losing seasons, an inability to reach an agreement on a new arena, and a sexual harassment suit against team owner, Norm Green, are the primary reasons given for the team’s departure. There were actually plans of moving to Los Angeles and becoming the L.A. Stars, but apparently The Walt Disney Company was already in talks with the NHL to bring the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim to the league.

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We’ve survived the first bye week with six of the better teams in the league on a two week vacation. It led to unusual results and other players taking a turn in the other spotlight. Miami and Oakland are the only teams on bye in Week 5 after they beat up on each other in London, so there aren’t that many players you need to replace this week. Oakland also needs to replace its coach, but that’s another story. But there is one player that needs to go immediately, and his name is Tom Brady.

Brady has been shoddy at best this season, and it’s got to be killing fantasy teams. For the season, he has 791 passing yards with four touchdowns and two interceptions, and has failed to break the 250-yard barrier this season. It hit a low point last night when he was replaced by Jimmy Garoppolo, who was put in during the fourth quarter of the Chiefs’ 41-14 a**-kicking of New England. Brady just doesn’t look right. He still has Rob Gronkowski and Julian Edelman, but after that, there is little else in the way of receiving talent that he can utilize. His tackles aren’t protecting him well, and the ground game isn’t getting the holes it used to. Brady can still dink and dunk, but without a good deep threat, it looks ugly for the 37-year old signal caller from Michigan. He’s on pace for career lows for a full season and he has a Sunday night game with 3-0 Cincinnati and it’s tough defense in Week 5, before Buffalo and the New York Jets in a five-day span.

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Soooo, that was a football game… I think? While the season itself seemed to be gleaming with Patriot schadenfreude (as stated last night), it all seemed to culminate into last night’s game, which I guess upgrades it to a schadenboner. The Chiefs came out and dominated all phases of the game, well, except timeout and clock management, but we’re used to that with Andy Reid. I actually haven’t seen a bunch of Patriots from Boston wiped out like that since the Battle of Bunker Hill. Honestly, this division is so bad that if one of the other teams had a competent quarterback, New England would have been in trouble a long time ago.

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Greetings! Tis I, Beddict, the Godfather of sexual mischief and fantasy football knowledge alike, here to continue this storied tradition that we here at Razzball refer to as, Disgrace/Delight. We’re on a word count this week so we better get right to it. I will continue to cover film and television but we had too much football and not enough space this week and for that, I apologize. Okay, let’s get on with it then! Take Heed!

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