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Hunh, that’s weird. A prime time Patriots game not against the Colts or Broncos? No Tom Brady still? Gronk still questionable? A third-string quarterback starting? The first black quarterback to start for the Patriots… ever? ALL THE QUESTION MARKS? Yeah, so this should be an easy loss for them. *Looks at matchup* LOL, nevermind. The Texans travel to Boston, bringing with them a quarterback that we’ve affectionately (I think?) labeled as Brock Lobster (hey, when there’s low-hanging fruit, go for it brah) that continues to prove to everyone what simply shouldn’t be provable, that John Elway might have been right about something. Despite providing an underwhelming first two weeks, Lamar Miller and the emergence of Will Fuller have eased the blow to all Texan fans. All six of you. Meanwhile, as was touched on before, we are basically watching Bill Belichick’s biggest strategic gambit pay off, as he has decided to punt the first three weeks of the season and still win all of those games just to assert dominance over the AFC. This may seem less impressive when they’ve beaten the Dolphins and what was an under-achieving Cardinals, but then you realize that about 88% of their team has been deflating balls or getting shoulders and legs exploded during that time…

Note: Rankings have been released and can be found here!

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Real question, is this the first Sunday Night Football game of the week, or is this the second? True, I believe you could technically call the game a few days ago Thursday Night Football, because, you know, the game was on Thursday. But we didn’t get the “NFL/CBS” production, a combination that I still believe is the end of the world as we know it. Trust me, every time I see Phil Simms open his mouth at Jim Nantz’s bidding, tell me you don’t see visions of a huge asteroid hitting the earth… I sure do. Then again, you could probably consider it a blessing in that situation. Regardless, we got the NBC production crew, and I’m actually trying to recall how they addressed themselves on that day. I’m sure they called it Thursday Night Football, but I don’t really have any recollection. It could be because Cris Collinsworth causes me to go into a medically-induced coma whenever he starts talking about his loving relationship with offensive lineman. WE GET IT CRIS, YOU’RE IN LOVE. KISS ALREADY. But at this point, I think it’s safe to say that I was able to fill enough space in the lede without talking about the actual game, because honestly, there is no Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, and it’s at Arizona. I’m pretty sure I know how this going to go…

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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s malamoney’s fantasy football rankings. The best thing about rankings and projections is that no one ever calls you out for having absolutely sh!tty projections. It’s not until months later when the season is over that projections can really be evaluated for efficiency, and by that time who really give a flying [fill in the blank]. Not to mention, who’s actually going to take the time to do so.

Here is my process for generating projections. Step one. Develop a random number generator. Step two. Generate hundreds of random numbers. Step three. Publish projections. Okay, so that’s not exactly how I get from point A to point B. Truth be told, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were some sources out there that did.

First I calculate my own set of player projections. Next I download between five and ten other sets of projections. Finally I take all of the projections, including my own, and run them through a program I’ve written that averages all of the projections together. I considered dropping the high and the low scores, but that just seemed a little counterintuitive. Besides, it’s not like I’m judging figure skating over here. The biggest pain in the ass is dealing with all the various spellings of the same name. Odell Beckham Jr. versus just Odell Beckham. Steve Smith Sr. versus just Steve Smith. T.Y. Hilton (with the dots) versus Ty Hilton. And how about Le’Veon Bell (with the apostrophe) versus LeVeon Bell. When the dust finally settles and I’ve lined up all the edges, I have my projections.

If you are interested in my positional rankings based on projected points, please take a look at my last post, The Adventure of Bidding. If you are just too damn lazy to click a link, I will summarize…

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Welcome back to this week’s “Depp Impact”, where we analyze famous Johnny Depp cameos and how they affected the films he appeared in. Let’s start with 21 Jump Street, a surprisingly funny romp in which Depp, wearing more prosthetics than an amputee convention, joined Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum… *answers call from Jay* I’ve been informed that this will instead be another Deep Impact, our weekly look at those options deep league players should be targeting. We’re entering the stretch run for drafting, so let’s take another look at some players you should be looking to scoop up in the last rounds before Week 1.

Hey speaking of drafts, there are still some spots left in our RCLs! Get in there quick before it fills up, so you can all compete for second place to yours truly. Now that the shameless plug is out of the way, let’s get to some names. Keeping with last week’s format, we’ll look at guys currently going after pick 180. If you’re only playing 10- or 12-team leagues, these players are at best people you should keep an eye out on. I caught flak in some corners of the internet last week for mentioning Jay Cutler’s name because mouthbreathers struggle with reading comprehension, and didn’t understand that if you’re late in the draft of a deep league, there is at least one glaring flaw causing these guys to be available…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Good news folks, Razzball has renewed my contract for a third season! While I’d love to say that I am to Razzball what Game of Thrones is to HBO, or The Walking Dead is to AMC, it simply would not be true. I’m more like Silicon Valley and Better Call Saul. But hey, that’s something right? Speaking of The Walking Dead, is it too early to start the “who does Negan kill” conversation? Just let it be Glen and let’s be done with it. Ok, back to me. As excited as I’m sure you all are to the prospect of me spending another year spewing nonsense intermingled with football advice, I’m twice as excited to be back. However, I’d like to make a minor request. Good or bad, I’d appreciate you leaving me a comment after reading my posts. If after reading something I’ve written you instantly wish you had the previous six minutes back, then please say so. If taking a dump is more enjoyable than listening to my advice, then tell me about your dump. Got it? Good.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I love this time of the year; it’s my favorite. Summer is officially here!

This is the time of Rookie Minicamps, OTA’s and in just a little over a month, Training Camp.

Everything is fresh. New players whose 2015 campaigns came to an abrupt end are returning. Busts last year have a fresh new start. New regimes have been put in place, teams have (tried to) relocated to new areas, and players have come and gone. Organized football is here for the first time since February.

Jay has been putting together is notorious rankings for 2016 over these past few weeks, much to our delight. Last year, however, Razzball finished with an accuracy rate of 57.5%, landing at 22nd out of 123 experts in 2015. So, no pressure!

Jay’s first set of rankings, Quarterbacks, is a position that should frighten us, and it does. Many have won or lost seasons because of their picks in drafts, so we have to be extra cautious when determining when/where, and who. Even this year, there were many surprises with names like Blake Bortles (4th in 2015), Ryan Fitzpatrick (11th), and even the #1 guy last year, Cam Newton, all putting up stellar fantasy seasons that very little thought was possible to do. Meanwhile, very little could have guessed that Andrew Luck, Colin Kaepernick, and Peyton Manning would have such awful seasons. Quarterbacks are a highly volatile position, which brings a different and totally unique drafting style compared to the other positions on your team (but you already knew that).

A quick note: You may wonder what I have to say about the top guys, like Luck, Rodgers, Palmer, or even Cam Newton. I think Jay said it best: The top-5 is generally a place you could put the names in whichever order you please and no one will complain too much.” Everyone may have an opinion on the order of the top guys, but let’s dig a bit further to unearth some better plays, shall we? And if you were wondering, current ADP given is for a 12-team Standard League. I’ll list the overall pick, and to make it easier to understand, the round they’ll go in. ADP doesn’t say everything, and players might go higher or lower depending on the people you play with, but it should give you a little bit of an idea of what players are going when.

In this series, I will analyze and talk a little bit about Quarterbacks this year. Hopefully by the end of this article (might take a few revisions or additions as the preseason begins), I will have labeled the sleepers, breakouts and busts for 2016.

Let’s do this!

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Why Razzball? Why you ask. If I really need to answer that question then I think you are in the wrong place. Perhaps you meant to visit espn.com where you could fill up on shitty advice from some overpaid, over hyped ding dong. I’ve been trying to figure a way to work “ding dong” into a post all season. Check that one off the list. But while I have your divided attention, I’ll answer it anyway. Is “undivided” attention actually a thing anymore. Heck I’m barely paying attention as I write this post. So you’ll have to forgive my randomness.

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When I discovered that Brandon LaFell’s nickname was “JoJo,” I immediately went to YouTube and looked up one of my favorite songs to sing at karaoke. It’s a song that describes owning LaFell in fantasy football. You see… Lately is about a guy that thinks his girl is cheating on him. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it but it’s impossible not to. The signs are smacking him right in the face. At some point, he needs to deal with it and move on.

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Technically, it’s “Newton’s law of universal gravitation”, but let’s not cut hairs here when it comes to aesthetically pleasing titles. I’m into that whole brevity thing, man. But like Newton’s law — that two bodies in the Universe attract each other with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them, or, like how Paula Abdul explained while singing with a cartoon cat, that opposites attract, Cam Newton has been able to work with what is probably the most underwhelming receiving depth in the league. Not counting the Browns. (You never count the Browns.) I mean, Ted Ginn Jr. is a starter. THIS IS CRAZY. With last night’s win against the hapless Saints, the Panthers are now 12-0 and the only undefeated team remaining. Or, if you live in Carolina, they are now the only undefeated team with a 11-1 record. Regardless, no matter what unfolds the next month, at this point, it looks like the Panthers are set to make their run to the Super Bowl, where they’ll likely face off against the not-Bengals…

Here’s what else I saw during Week 13’s Sunday games…

New to Daily Fantasy Football? Try out this new free FanDuel’s contest, where half the league is guaranteed to win. (Played on FanDuel before? You can build a team for $5 for a chance of $100,000, part of a one million dollar prize pool!)

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Alright, we get it. Everyone is going to win this week because everyone’s lucky number is 13. Enough! Something very interesting happened Monday Night on DraftKings last week. Something that defines how Fantasy Football is such a fickle mistress. The setting? DraftKings’ $600k Blitz. Per RotoGrinders.com-

This one came down to the very last play. “GregieC03” was sitting pretty and looking as if he would lock up the six-figure payday if Cleveland could make the game-winning field goal. Instead, the Ravens blocked the kick and returned it for a TD which catapulted underjones from out of the top five into the lead by the slimmest (.20) of margins. “Underjones” would also take fourth place and win a live final seat to cap off a great weekend for him.

Final Standings:

1. underjones 217.84, $100,000
2. GregieC03 217.64, $50,000
3. FitnessKING613 214.34, $25,000
4. underjones 212.4, $15,000
5. Josh677 211.5, $10,000

At this point you have to laugh and just settle for $50k. I know, what a settle.

Week 12 was a bad week for the chalk WR’s. Players such as Julio JonesDeAndre Hopkins, and Antonio Brown all scored below 10 points, which absolutely destroyed a ton of people’s tournament lineups, as D-Hop was owned by 52.9% owned in Fanduel’s Week 13 Sunday Million. Let’s review the rest of Week 12….

Join myself, Jay, and your fellow readers in a special Razzball-only Contest! Buy-in is just $5.00 and the top-5 finishers in a 22-team league are all part of the prize pool! Sign up here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?