Greetings! Tis I, the fabulous Mr. Beddict, here to review some stats I found downright fascinating from the NFL’s opening weekend. You know me as Razzball’s resident fantasy football and now fantasy baseball champion(is it too early to say that?No), philanthropist, model, escort, and part-time stripper. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that when I’m around, women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. And if there’s another thing I know, it’s how to absolutely dominate in the field of fantasy sports. I’m not one to brag or self promote my but my legend runs deeper than the Mariana Trench. Help me help you in winning your fantasy title this season. Brotherhood of Razzball readers; I’d rather fight beside you than any other site and their millions of peasants. Let no man forget how menacing we are. We are lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond the regular season? Immortality! Take it, it’s yours!
Kenbrell Thompkins- 4 receptions for 42 yards on 14 targets. Tom Brady has put together a gorgeous career making bums like Deion Branch look like NFL caliber players, but right now Branch looks like Steve Largent in comparison to Thompkins. He simply looks gruesome out there and somehow looked even more worthless on Thursday night’s game agains the Jets. I was one who bought into the hype a bit and drafted Thompkins in a few different leagues this year and after about 5 blown endzone targets I’m beginning to regret it. With Amendola out, there is still some upside as the Patriots possess no capable replacement for him in the lineup but I’m not starting him next week unless desperate. Many of his routes and dropped passes were inexcusable, causing me more disgust than the time I was paid to go down on Roseanne at her bachelorette party. Seriously, I haven’t seen that many dropped balls since shooting a soft-core porn shoot with an O.C. addicted co-star back in 97. Truly disgraceful.
David Wilson- 7 rushes for 19 yards and 2 fumbles and 0 receptions on 1 target. Those of us who did not draft until a few days before the season started have only one man to blame for how we felt on Sunday night. That man is Andre Brown. If Brown didn’t go down with an injury the weekend before the season, myself and many others certainly wouldn’t have drafted Wilson as high as the 3rd round. With no capable backup in site, and no TD vulture, Wilson was primed for a monstrous year in what could be one of the most high powered offenses in football. Then Sunday night football happened. Though Wilson was seemingly fighting back tears during his long stint on the bench, it’s hard to feel bad for a guy who just cost you a week 1 victory. The Brandon Jacobs signing worries me a tad, only because he will surely get the goal line touches, immediately taking away something we thought we’d be getting from Wilson this year since Brown was no longer around. Let me put it to you this way; If Wilson doesn’t break 6 or 7, 30-40 plus TD runs, he will be one of the biggest busts in fantasy this season. If you’re thin at running back already, you may want to get on your knees and pray to the elder God’s for only they have the power to save you now.
Pierre Garçon- 7 receptions for 64 yards on 11 targets. I don’t blame Garçon for this mediocre performance nor should you. He was facing a defense that was obviously focused on taking him away as a deep threat so he was forced to catch a bunch of short stuff, but still looked fairly solid. If you know the frenchman at all, you know he will turn some of those bubble screens and quick slants into long touchdowns and I still have my expectations set on over 1,300 yards and 8-10 Harriet Tub-mans. Have faith in Pierre for he hath faith in you, his fantasy owners. On a positive note, at least he didn’t injure his foot that he’s refused surgery on. Still, a garbage time TD would have been nice……..FML.
Tavon Austin- 6 receptions for 41 yards on 7 targets. You already know Jared Cook surfaced more viciously than a first-time herpes outbreak, but what about Austin? Ehhh, much milder, kinda like HPV. Austin seems to lack the explosiveness and lateral quickness of a Percy Harvin or Randall Cobb and Givens as well as Cook have emerged as the deep threats on the roster. Considering Austin is about the same size as comedian Kevin Hart, he doesn’t seem like much of a red zone threat either. So where do we go from here guys? Telling you that I could answer that would be a lie, and I, Tehol Beddict, don’t lie. I’m wishing on a star that if you drafted him somewhat early you receive points for punt return yardage and hopefully it’s also PPR. If not, I suggest benching Austin this week until we see what he’s capable of.
Vernon Davis- 6 receptions for 98 yards and 2 TD’s on 9 targets. This looks like the year the Niners are gonna let the big dog eat again. Why they’ve consistently chained this monstrosity for the past 3 seasons, I have no explanation. It’s obvious this artistic gentleman is only rivaled in tight end talent by Jimmy Graham and Gronk. Shizz, he’s probably even more talented than those hogs. He’s been patiently waiting to blow, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the V. Davis Show.
Anquan Boldin- 13 receptions for 208 yards and 1 td on 17 targets. Seattle, we have a problem. The Niners General Manager, Trent Baalke, is in some circles being referred to as a mix of Albert Einstein and Nostradamus for his genius pickup of Boldin. Quan Quan stepped right in for the injured Michael Crabtree and gave the packers db’s the kind of unyielding pounding I haven’t witnessed since the Ray-J/Kardashian sex tape. Will this continue? To a degree, yes. The aforementioned Vern will continue to eat and the Niners will attempt at least a long ball or two to the speedy Kyle Williams but other than that it’s Boldin’s world baby. The running game will obviously not stay grounded forever either so everything should balance out but Boldin should average around 8-9 grabs a game. Run tell that!
Steven Jackson- 11 carries for 77, 5 catches for 45 yards on 8 targets. Eleven carries against the Pillsbury dough boy soft Saints defense huh? If he was injured or something please feel free to inform me. You can’t sit here and tell me that Jax shouldn’t have had a hundo against this depleted defense. Horrible play calling by a highly overrated offensive coordinator. Hey, let’s go out and hire Jacksonville’s O-coordinator, because everything’s looked beautiful there. I get that Dirk Koetter isn’t to blame for the total disgrace that is Blaine Gabbert, who needs to be taken out his misery Old Yeller style, but I still don’t comprehend the hire. I say the Falcons take a step back this year but Jackson should have 1000 yards and double digit tubs.
Roddy white- 2 receptions for 19 yards on 2 targets. Hopefully you watched my NFL network sponsored video with Roddy White and MJD last week. If only my new BFF Rodster had told us he was going to perform like a gelded horse on a stud farm, maybe some of you wouldn’t have wasted a draft pick on him. If he truly has a high ankle sprain then White should be sitting, not possibly making the injury worse than it already is. People are calling him a decoy, but what good is a decoy when the opposition knows there’s a higher probability of Magic Johnson’s son bagging your girlfriend then there is of White doing anything of consequence? Be
Alshon Jeffery- 5 receptions for 42 yards on 8 targets. I’m going to go out on a limb and say Jeffery has WR3 type year. It seems to have come together for this stallion with the perfect frame and I expect 6-8 TD’s from Jeffery, maybe more since he’s the ideal red zone target. Of course this would mean Cutler would have to stop force feeding Brandon Marshall and that may take time….Or an intervention. I like Jeffery to score this week so get him in there.
Mike Wallace- 1 reception for 15 yards on 5 targets. YIKES! You didn’t really draft this guy in the 3rd round did you? Give it another week before you throw in the towel on your season.
Jordan Cameron- 9 receptions for 108 yards and a TD on 13 targets- This former basketball player has emerged as Cleveland’s number one option in the receiving game and that could remain the same even when Josh Gordon comes back after this weekend. Target wise anyway, so if you stole Cameron late in your draft, kudos to you my friends. Kudos to you. Wait, you’re telling me Lane Kiffin had this freak at USC and didn’t even think to use him? You’re kidding? Everything else Lane that Lane has done has turned out spectacular so I’m a little surprised there.
Brandon Pettigrew – 2 receptions for 6 yards and a fumble on 4 targets. Pettigrew has proven to be a 7th round talent….Like 7th round NFL draft talent, not fantasy talent. He’s not a good fit for this offense though he normally is able to put up somewhat respectable numbers but with the plague of talented tight ends among us I wouldn’t even own Pettigrew.
Ahmad Bradshaw- 7 carries for 26 yards and 1 reception for 7 yards on 1 target. Will Bradshaw ever fully unseat Vick “da brick” Ballard, receive more than 60 percent of the carries, and live up to my boy Sky’s lofty expectations? Probably not, but one would think he will become more involved in the coming weeks. That is until he gets hurt again. In Ballard I trust.
Darren McFadden- 17 carries for 48 yards and td with 3 receptions for 18 yards on 5 targets. Didn’t DMC used to have hands? That pass he bobbled in the end zone was dishonorable and the dude may have even lost his hood pass after that performance. 48 yards rushing against the Colts? He’s gonna be hard pressed to find a softer d to run against and since he can’t seem to catch the rock, his upside isn’t what it once was. All that negative talk aside, I still assume he will get the ball over 20 times a game until he’s injured so he’s obviously still startable and capable of busting a long one.
Doug Baldwin- 7 receptions for 91 yards on 8 targets. Teach me how to Dougie. Teach, teach, teach me how to Dougie. Is Douglas going to be the x-factor against his college coach who didn’t even consider signing him as an un-drafted free agent? Some would say it is so considering the Niners were the third worst team defensively against slot receivers. However, I am not one of those people and doubt very much that Dougie goes over 60 yards or scores a TD.
DeAngelo Williams- 17 carries for 86 yards and a fumble and 3 receptions for 14 yards on 3 targets. I loved what I saw from Williams against Seattle other than that fumble that may have cost Carolina the game of course. Jonathan Stewart may never come back and Tolbert is like cocaine, only great when used seldomly. Cocaine is a helluva drug and Williams could be a helluva fantasy back this season if Carolina is as good as I think they are.
Maurice Jones-Drew- 15 carries for 45 yards and 0 receptions on 2 targets. MJD seemed to take offense when I asked him on my DirecTV special interview, if his quarterback “was still seeing ghosts out there.” Well, I for one, took great offense to MJD’s level of play against the Chiefs on Sunday. Has he hit the wall? Does he need a change of scenery? Have injuries taken their toll on his short, round body? We shall know soon enough my friends. We shall know soon enough.
Torrey Smith- 4 receptions for 92 yards on 8 targets. Having Smith pegged as one of my breakout stars this season seemed like a brilliant idea until 1) I fully recognized that Jacoby Jones was Baltimore’s number 2 wideout, and 2) Jacoby Jones got hurt. I can’t even name you the next man up for Baltimore. Well of course I can, I’m a fantasy football savant for the God’s sake but let’s just say the average fan has no clue who any of these scrubs are, nor should they. Coverage should now be bracketed around Torrey even more now making it that much harder for him to get deep, especially when that’s seemingly all he can do or that the Ravens coaches want him to do. Like a fool, I believed Baltimore would try to get Smith the ball quicker and let him make a play but it seems I was wrong as Smith was routinely sent on go-routes all game long. I’m fine with it if he gets one bomb a game that way but come on, this guy is an elite talent and should be treated as such. Get it together guys.
Montee Ball- 8 carries for 24 yards and no targets- Still has the best chance of breaking out of all the Broncos running backs but I hope you didn’t draft him early cuz I wouldn’t bet much on it.
Larry Fitzgerald- 8 receptions for 80 yards and 2 TD’s on 14 targets- Normally I don’t mention the star players in this section but it’s worth noting that Larry legend is back and better than ever now that he has a capable QB in place. The Cardinals QB situation has been pathetic over the past few seasons and the only reason Fitz hasn’t been demanding a trade non-stop is that he’s being paid like Sadam Hussein was in his heydey. Fitz might be the steal of the draft and seems likely to produce like a number 1 fantasy wideout. Witness!
James Jones- 0 receptions on 2 targets. Sooooo, uhhhhh, Jones led the league in TD receptions last season eh? Let’s just say this wasn’t quite the start I was expecting from my man Jones. I’ve always been a strong supporter of Jones, and thought him highly underrated until he kind of blew up last year. He’ll still have a nice season but Cobb seems to be more of a focal point and with Jordy Nelson healthy it will be highly difficult for Jones to reproduce his numbers from last season. Keep the faith though as he’s still a capable number 3 fantasy wideout.
Rueben Randle- 5 receptions for 101 yards on 6 targets. Randle is impressive and should put up close to 1,000 yards receiving this season, especially when you recall that Nicks will surely miss a few games during the season making that prediction not seem so outrageous. Look, he’s already over 1/10th of the way there.
Miles Austin- 10 receptions for 72 yards on 12 targets. If you know me at all you know that I birthed Austin’s career by picking him up at 3 o’clock sunday morning and starting him in the now famous game at Kansas city in which he had 250 yards and 2 TD’s, including the game winner in overtime. After that I knighted him “Sir Miles” Austin, and the rest is history. Injuries have ruined what could have been one of the greatest stories in football history but I believe Miles still has what it takes and will bounce back in a major way this season. He led the team in targets last week and with Dez Bryant’s injury I expect more of the same. Hey, who is Dallas playing this week again? In Kansas City, the place where it all started for “Sir Miles.” Start with utmost confidence and swag.
DeSean Jackson- 7 receptions for 104 yards and 1 TD on 9 targets. This young hustla will have a career year no question. That is all.
LeSean McCoy- 31 carries for 184 yards and 1 td and 1 reception for 5 yards on 1 target. Anyone else regretting not drafting McCoy this season? Whoops! The only thing somewhat surprising is the lack of receptions McCoy received but I’m positive that will even out as the season goes on. Other than Adrian Peterson, McCoy, to me, is the most talented back in the NFL. His shiftiness is unparalleled a huge year is on the horizon.
Wow, it’s great having the NFL back! This was fun and I very much look forward to doing this every week. Feel free to follow me on twitter at @TeholBeddict47 and leave your questions and comments below. They will be answered with Usain Bolt type speed as I’m always ready for action. It’s been a pleasure serving you.