ANNOUNCER: And now, here’s your Channel 2 KRAP evening news at 11, with Anthony Bologna and Judith Duty.
TONY: Good evening folks, and welcome to the evening news at 11. I’m Anthony Bologna, and this is Judith Duty.
JUDY: Hello. We have plenty of news to get to tonight; including an Oompa-loompa fight, a robot invasion, and a new record set earlier today when a Boston man had his hair styled 47 different times in just under 24 hours. Wow.
TONY: But first, our lead story involves an animal who loves a good time. That’s right, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski. Despite Gronk’s breakout performance last year, he’s in for troubling times. And I’m not just talking about his impersonation of a spasmatic super-ball after the Super Bowl; no friends, I’m referring to the plethora of new threats in the New England offense. Brandon Lloyd joined up with Gronk, Aaron Hernandez, Wes Welker, and Deion Branch for 2012. There’s only one ball, so it’s unlikely Gronk will be able to duplicate his 90 catches, 1,327 yards, and 17 TD’s from last year. And there’s always the possibility the always unpredictable Gronk misses time with a concussion from the Frerotted neck he suffered dancing. Regardless, unless Tom Brady can find a way to sneak another ball on the field, Gronk won’t be as productive in 2012.
JUDY: Speaking of Tom Brady, our next story is about an odd man in Boston and his SuperCuts fetish. Yes, Tom Brady just set a new world record by having his hair styled 47 times in one day. That’s not news you say? Well, it’s news for Patriots fans. The last time Brady spent his offseason trying to break this record was 2007, when New England went 18-0 before losing to the Giants in the Super Bowl. OK, I made that up, but Patriots fans do have reason to be optimistic. Like Tony said before, the Patriots will be loaded on offense. Imagine what he can do with real talent instead of the middle school JV he’s used to playing with. I can’t wait!
TONY: Well Judy, you’ll have to! We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
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ANNOUNCER: Now back to KRAP’s evening news with Anthony Bologna and Judith Duty.
JUDY: Earlier today we here at Channel 2 received word that our boom operator, Gordie Wellson, had gone missing. I understand law enforcement is currently investigating his disappearance. I think I speak for everyone at KRAP when I say we hope Gordy, wherever he is, is safe.
TONY: Whoa, Judy! I think you got that mixed up. It’s not Gordie that’s disappeared – he’s right there, to your left. It’s Jordy Nelson of the Green Bay Packers. And he hasn’t disappeared – not yet at least. Chances are once the season starts people may start wondering where he is, especially since no one expects Greg Jennings to repeat the down year he had in 2011. If that’s the case, Nelson won’t have the opportunities that people expect him to have. The fact is Jennings and Nelson had very similar seasons last year, and no one thinks Nelson is a better receiver than Jennings. 2012 should be the year things return to normal for Greg Jennings, and Jordy Nelson will be the one to fade back into Jennings’ shadow. But at least Gordie’s OK.
JUDY: Well that’s a relief…and a little embarrassing; but not as embarrassing as Michael Bay’s version of the Transformers. Bay officially posted the following on his Facebook page today:
“I realize my version of the Transformers saga was off the mark. Bumblebee was a clear corporate tie-in money grab, Megan Fox was strictly there as eye candy (I almost didn’t give her any lines…live and learn), and Megatron looked less like the Decepticon leader we all recognize from our youth and more like a metallic, tribal-tattooed piranha on HGH.”
TONY: The thing is, Judy, the Megatron we all love now plays in Detroit. He had his best season in 2011, and is poised for more in 2012. At a minimum Calvin Johnson should match the 96 catches, 1,681 yards, and 16 TD’s he put up last year. I would bet he’ll improve on those numbers because his QB, Matthew Stafford, continues to improve as well. Since Johnson is the only legitimate threat in Detroit, he’ll continue to see the majority of the balls in the Lions passing game. He’ll also see the most attention from opposing defenses, but Megatron is arguably the best receiver in football today. He’ll get his; it’s only a matter of when.
JUDY: You’re not much for segue’s Tony. Anyway, here’s another word from our sponsors.
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TONY: For our last story, we go to the field where our senior correspondent Beau-Richarde Lavender has an exclusive report. Beau?
BEAU: Thanks Tony. I’m here in front of the Wonka Chocolate Factory where a mere 45 minutes ago two Oompa-loompa’s filed a lawsuit against the company’s owner, William G. Wonka, for federal labor law violations. I’d like to say this comes as a shock, but unfortunately this situation has been escalating for years – ever since Wonka brought the Oompa-loompas here from their remote Atlantic island home. We’ll know more as the story develops. That’s it for now from here – back to you Tony.
TONY: Thanks Beau. What’s the world coming to? Willy Wonka is facing litigation from his workforce – the same ones who sing all day. Such a shame. In a related story, the NFL has had some issues with a couple of their…let’s call them “diminutive” workhorses. In the land of football giants both Maurice Jones-Drew and Ray Rice are relative Oompa-loompas, and both have had their issues with their respective teams this offseason. Only Rice has seen any satisfaction with his contract. While contract issues may factor into 2012 performance from both Rice and MJD, there are others. Rice is two years younger than MJD and hasn’t carried the load in Baltimore the way MJD has in Jacksonville. Rice has help with Joe Flacco, Torrey Smith, and Anquan Boldin, not to mention a still stout defense. MJD has a rookie WR with potential alcohol issues in Justin Blackmon, a bust of a second year QB in Blaine Gabbert, and a mediocre defense. All signs point to Rice reaching the apex of his prime, while MJD is clearly on the wrong side of his.
JUDY: I hope you never meet either of those two in a dark alley after comparing them to orange skinned singing little people, Tony.
TONY: Me either. That’s it for tonight folks. For Judy Duty, I’m Tony Bologna – if you smell news, it must be KRAP.