I guess this is the part of the review where I open with being impressed, right? Where I shine the light on the best player in the game and point out his virtues and then back it up with the stat line for proof. But the thing is, I don’t think I have it in me to misrepresent the facts. You see, tonight the cake was a lie. Sure, the end line for Colin Kaepernick looked nice: 15/24 for 235 and 3 passing TDs to go with 20 yards rushing. If that were on my team, I wouldn’t turn it down at all. Heck, I’d marry that end line even if it were my half-sister…sorry, lost in a few leagues this week. My desperation levels for a win knows no bounds sometimes. Take that Blue Lagoon! I just one-upped you in nastiness. And when did Brooke Shields become a man? I was not privy to this change…nevertheless, all we’re talking about is stats when we look at that Kaep end line. What we don’t talk about is game flow, defensive game plan and the quick response. The first three drives by SF took a total of 4 minutes, 22 seconds and showed how the ‘skins planned to attack SF. They told the 49ers they were gonna sell out on the run and make Kaepernick pass for the win. But when you give up as much on the ground as Washington does fantasy wise – 2nd most according to ESPN heading into Monday – and you’re still one of the worst against the pass (5th worst against opposing QBs), you’ve got to draw a line in the sand somewhere and say what you’re going to target in a game. And pretty much, the ‘skins dictated that if the 49ers were going to beat them, they’d have to do it through the air by stacking the box and Kaep said ‘thank you for this opportunity’. In reality, this game was no less mistake-laden than other Colin performances have been this year, it was simply masked by an inferior opponent and game flow so now, everyone is going to be talking about Kaep bicep kisses for a week. Well, consider me not one of them. I still think Kaep can be great but I’ve seen a timid and unsure Colin one too many times this year when the first read doesn’t go his way. Consider this a warning, Kaep owners: Washington is the worst at seemingly everything on defense and yet they decided to let Kaep try and beat them. Not something that would make me confident moving forward. In other news from MNF for 2013 Fantasy Football…
Robert Griffin, III – See what happened with Kaep? Yeah, 49ers don’t have that problem. But I will say that if RG3 were playing for San Fran tonight, we wouldn’t be panning him as hard as he’ll get for this statline: 17/27 for 127 passing yards, an INT and 22 yards rushing. Washington looks like me after an all you can eat wings night: full on implode mode. They say girls who become close friends actually have their periods sync together. Let’s just say RG3 and Shanny aren’t shopping for tampons at the same time right now. Note: I didn’t say they were not NOT shopping for tampons at any given time.
Anquan Boldin – Well hello there stranger. Sure, he had a decent week last week but really, since week 1 we haven’t talked much of anything about Boldin and for good reason. Heading into Monday night, 33% of his passing yards came on opening day. Fine, you want the math on what that means? Ok, take away his 208 from week 1 and heading into week 12, he’s averaged 42 yards receiving on about 3 receptions a game. I don’t even have to look to know Steven Smith has outdone that on a weekly basis pretty much all year. But given the ‘skins giving the 49ers the air tonight, Boldin shined in one of his best performances since said week 1: 5/94/2. BTW, I do this for a sanity check from time to time so I’m just gonna drop this little blurb about my Boldin ranking in the preseason here. What I said hasn’t come to fruition and the 49ers offense has sputtered for most of the year. Coincidence?
Daniel Thomas – Yes, this game was that predictive and boring, I started looking up other football news to satiate myself. DT is done for the year. Lamar Miller owners, don’t rejoice too quickly. The Fantasy Gods still hate you because the Miami o-line hasn’t been able to block since Dick in Disguise left the team. That and Philbin gives up on the run after 3 times to the left side where all his starters left doesn’t work right off the bat. Cuz he’s crazy. God I hate Miami this year…nevertheless, I’d expect to see a little of Mike Gillislee this weekend. I’m not expecting much, personally. From what I saw of his college days, he runs a little bit too much straight up and doesn’t seem to be a power running back. Maybe a change of pace back with Vereen PPR upside at his peak? Meh, knowing Miami he’ll start in the slot and they’ll move Miller to TE and rush Thigpen.
Pierre Garcon – Well, it was a nice PPR day right? I’m trying for the bright side here, kids, cuz there wasn’t much of anything you could call an offense for the ‘skins tonight. Peter Waiter finished with a 8/48 line to lead Washington in receiving. Poor service, Garcon. I won’t be tipping.
Frank Gore – As stated in the opener, the goal was to limit Gores ability to affect the game and it worked: 34 total yards on 14 touches. Really thought his end line would be Gore-geous. Instead it was just straight up Hostel or Saw I-VI type of gore. I really didn’t need to know what a severed achilles looked like, guys.
Matt Flynn – Will get the starting nod over Scott Tolzien for Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, you can get a start on your nod off knowing this information. See? Fourth string QB info: most powerful Thanksgiving sleep medicine since tryptophan.
Roy Helu – Roy was in on not one but TWO 4th and short yardage to go plays on the night. Best part? They handed the ball off to him! Yes! He wasn’t even in there for a screen pass! So let’s get this straight: you’ll leave Helu in to carry the ball in short yardage situations but you have only allowed Alfred Morris to even try and catch 5 passes on the year. That wasn’t rhetorical, Shanahan, that was me asking you directly if you stole your football knowledge credentials off of someone you found lying dead in the streets. Is Mike Shanahan even your real name? Don’t try to run there, mister, I’m calling the police. All this to say, if you think 52 yards rushing is a strange line for Alfred Morris, you’d be right.