So if you’re anything like me, you’re getting killed in these FanDuel tournaments. There’s like hundreds of people to compete against and they all know what they’re doing! It’s maddening! So, we’re going to mix it up this week. I’ve started one $2 contest for just 20 people. It will be first come first serve for those who click this link right here. The top three places get paid out, so you only have to beat 17 other people to cash. Good odds, right? Unfortunately, this will leave some of you out in the cold (and I’m from upstate New York, so I understand cold). So use the commons of this post to start up and fill other leagues. Get creative! More players, fewer players, different buy-ins, different payout structures, even different salary caps! Challenge yourself and your fellow Razzballers and see what you can come up with. And if you’re all just lazy bums, well, I’ll pop down there in the comments with some more contests if there’s a demand for it. Sound good? Good.
A disclaimer for the faint of heart: in the wrong context, parts of this column could be construed as misogynistic, since I compare all of this week’s players to various types of women. Just try to take it with the light-hearted sense of humor with which it was intended. Or, you know, stop reading now. Your call.
Jay Cutler ($6,500 at TEN): I know, you’ve been burned by Jay Cutler before. Will you get one of those pleasant, useful stat lines, or will he lay an upper decker in your fantasy team’s toilet like a jilted ex-lover? Certainly it’s impossible to know for sure, but the Titans are giving up the fourth most points to opposing QBs this year. Go ahead and admit it, you’re willing to spend one more night with your ex.
Joe Flacco ($6,800 at CLE): If Cutler is your ex, then Flacco is that girl across the bar who looks like an eight until you get up close and realize she’s only a five or six. Loaded with potential, but not quite living up to it upon closer inspection. Still, after a few drinks (or an upcoming date with the Browns woeful secondary), she might look like somebody worth giving a try tonight.
Mikel Leshoure ($5,400 at JAX): So you’re sitting in class and that new girl you don’t know really well stands up for the first time and gives a great presentation. Suddenly, she’s on your radar as an option you hadn’t considered before. Sure, maybe she offers up a dud or two after that, but you know if she gets talking about her love of jungle animals like Jaguars again, she’ll absolutely blossom into a worthy candidate. Focus on her potential against the defense giving up the fourth most fantasy points to opposing defenses (wait, what?) this week.
Willis McGahee ($6,600 at CIN): Sometimes you just have to go to Cougar Town. And yes, I know the show isn’t actually about cougars, but that older lady that still has a little left in her tank can be good for one more ride. It’s not like she’s going to fall off the cliff tomorrow, right? Besides, Cincinnati is giving up the sixth most fantasy points to opposing running backs (I know, I’m not nailing those segues. You’re just going to have to deal because this is happening).
Daniel Thomas $5,000 at IND): Remember that kinda cute sorority girl you ignored because you were chasing after her much hotter sister? Daniel Thomas. And just like the cute sorority girl running for Chapter Historian, Thomas is taking on a bigger role. Fifteen carries against the Jets last week and he’s punched in a score in three or his five games. With Indy’s 9th-worst rush defense up this week, chances are good for another one.
Jeremy Maclin ($6,200 at NO) and DeSean Jackson ($5,900 at NO): You go out to that club with the sweet new hipster band and there they are in the front row. They came together, they’re cute, and they know the lyrics to every song. You’d be happy with either one and you feel like both could be good for you. That’s the same situation you get with Maclin and Jackson this week. It’s conceivable each puts up a score.
Steve Smith ($6,500 at WSH): Steve Smith is the woman you married. Reliable, dependable, has been around forever. Sure you’ve had your ups and downs, but she can still make you feel great. Smith’s opportunity against Washington’s defense giving up the second most points to opposing WRs is like the night you come home from work to find your wife cooked a surprise steak dinner. Enjoy it.
Denarius Moore ($6,200 vs. TB): and Torrey Smith ($5,700 at CLE): Both are young receivers who have become their teams’ biggest deep threats now getting tasty top-5 matchups at an excellent price. The reward is well worth the risk, so I guess their female comparison would be… hookers?
Heath Miller ($5,900 at NYG): Heath Miller is Christina Aguilera. No, wait, hear me out. Underrated young talent overshadowed by flashier competitors when bursting on to the scene? Check. Several years of mediocrity while trying to reinvent oneself? Check. Bursting back on to the scene in a big way and making the show (The Steelers offense, The Voice) worth watching? Absolutely check. So be stronger than a Genie in a Bottle and make the Beautiful play of Miller against the defense giving up the eighth most fantasy points to TEs.
Shayne Graham ($5,100 vs. BUF): Shayne Graham is the low-maintenance girl you dated for a few months back in college. You could just hang out, have a good time, and she wasn’t expecting you to spend a lot on fancy dinners. Graham doesn’t cost a lot either and once again the benefits should be well worth the minimal risk.
Denver Broncos Defense ($5,000 at CIN): Think of the first time your celebrity crush got a huge role and how cool it was to be able to tell everyone “I liked her before she was popular.” That’s where we’re at with the Denver defense right now. Sure, they were on the radar last year, but Tim Tebow was the real headliner of that show. Now, holding the high-powered Saints offense to just seven points in a prime time game has cemented the Broncos Defense as a star. Paying the minimum for this week’s matchup against Cincinnati is a no-brainer.
San Diego Chargers Defense: They’re the girl you hate because just before you were about to ask her out, she ends up with the hot jock you can’t possibly compete with. The one that got away. Sorry everybody, we’re focused on Sundays in this column, but hopefully you got a piece of this great defensive effort somewhere this week.