Good tidings everyone and welcome, once again, to this quickly/drunkenly-typed post of one handsome man’s observations of Sunday Night Football. It’s been a few weeks, since I already skipped one post assignment… (Which I probably shouldn’t have, since the football gods gave me this ridiculous match-up to cover instead of the NFC West showdown last week. Which actually wasn’t much of a showdown when you think about it, so I guess there’s that.) So yeah, Chicago and Pittsburgh… Ugh. Can I just write about Breaking Bad instead Sky? Please? Sigh… So, how did I make a game like this watchable? That’s right folks, the answer lies in a newly created section for this series. (To go along with my score and a quick summary of the game, DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS, world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs, and a wonderful concluding thought.) And what’s that new section? Follow me after the jump and find out…
the drinking game I played
I took one sip of beer…
…everytime Roethlisberger should have just thrown the ball.
…whenever Jay Cutler made that stupid face. You know that face. All of them.
…whenever the camera focused on Troy Polamalu’s hair or Brett Keisel’s beard.
…everytime a Steelers running back gained more than three yards.
…whenever Jay Cutler ran for his life and then made a hasty decision.
I took one shot of tequila…
…everytime I got really confused why they kept showing this old white guy on the sidelines, then remembering Lovie Smith wasn’t the coach anymore.
That last one was the nail in the coffin.
score and a quick summary of the game
CHI – 40, PIT – 23
The Bears tried so hard to give this away for most of the game. Instead, they are now considered the worst 3-0 team, in my humble opinion. I look forward to their late season fade. Oh, wait. The Dolphins take exception to that remark. And wow, the Steelers are not a good football team. Are both the Giants and the Steelers going for the #1 pick? Someone should tell them that Jacksonville has that on lock-down mode. Anyhow, there’s really nothing else to add in the summation. Let’s all thank the NFL for giving us two consecutive weeks of Steelers primetime games I guess. Apparently the lolRams were unavailable.
DRUNKEN BULLET POINTS
– Coach Tobacco Mouth vs. Jerry Sandusky’s roommate. Fascinating.
– I can’t wait for Pittsburgh to counter this 0-10 score by running the ball up the gut, the Steelers way!
– Already forcing passes to Heath in triple coverage. It’s, like, five minutes too early for that.
– 1st quarter, 1 time out left. Lovie Smith is telepathically calling the game.
– I can’t ever tell if Tomlin just won the Super Bowl or just saw his dog get ran over in the street.
– Rooney looks like an anorexic Muppet.
– Better protection without Lovie? WEIRD.
– If I made a drinking game based on bubble screens, I’d be dead right now.
– NBC, ruining more and more of Joan Jett’s music every day. Or maybe ruining more and more of everything every day. (But still ruining less than CBS.)
world famous Razzball player blurb thing-a-ma-jigs
Jay Cutler — 20/30, 159 YDS, 1 TD, 0 INT and 4 CAR, 11 YDS. I see Cutler’s been attending the Flacco School of Eliteness.
Ben Roethlisberger — 26/41, 406 YDS, 2 TDs, 2 INTs and 2 CAR, 7 YDS. This Ben Roethlisberger, I call him David Crosby, because he’s fat, past his prime, and his balls keep dropping more all the time. Even with all of those turnovers, Cris Collinsworth and Al Michaels were still waxing all over him. Usually he has to corner someone in the ladies room to get that kind of attention.
Matt Forte — 16 CAR, 87 YDS, 1 TD. For some strange reason, I like to imagine Forte makes race car noises as he runs.
Michael Bush — 8 CAR, 9 YDS, 1 TD. Professional vulture, but for a short yardage back, Bush is pretty terrible about picking up short yardage.
Jonathan Dwyer — 12 CAR, 39 YDS. Wasn’t he cut? This does not bode well.
Felix Jones — 7 CAR, 34 YDS, 1 FUM. Turnover for the Turnover Gods. Seriously, this is a battle for the worst running game ever, starring Green Bay, Cleveland, New Orleans, and Pittsburgh.
Brandon Marshall — 5 REC, 52 YDS. When Cutler locks on to Marshall, shouldn’t we call it the ‘Don’t Care Bear Stare’? Maybe even rainbows should be shooting out, connecting the two.
Antonio Brown — 9 REC, 196 YDS, 2 TDs. The whole broken clock thing. He was the twice. I mean, good God… even the Ben can’t overthrow him.
Martellus Bennett — 2 REC, 10 YDS. Stillers gave up 130 yards to TE’s last week… the Bear’s response? Don’t throw it to Bennett.
Heath Miller — 3 REC, 35 YDS. Heath got up everytime… good sign.
CHI DEF — The Bears were having their way with Big Ben like he was a cocktail waitress.
PIT DEF — Dick LeBeau is literally one billionty years old. What a coincidence, as I wouldn’t trust starting this defense in one billionty years.
a wonderful concluding thought
“You merely adopted the derp. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see competent football until I was already a man.” — Sunday Night Football, 2013.
Jaywrong is a 30-year old Korish writer who finds solace using Makers Mark as a vehicle to impress women, and also has an affinity for making Jennifer Lawrence GIFs. You can follow him @jaywrong, read his blog Desultory Thoughts of a Longfellow, or, you can find his GIFs at his tumblr, named Siuijeonseo.