I guess this question is really a two parter because there’s a yang to this yin. But to be honest, it’s Monday after week 16 has almost concluded. Losers need not apply. *Hears readership heading for exits*. Wait, wait, wait, did I say losers? I meant Lugers! Yeah, that’s it! You know, people who luge? Yeah, get the eff out, winter Olympic sports people! And take that Jamaican bobsled team with ya! Now where was I before I was rudely interrupted by a buncha sore Lugers…oh yeah, we were talking Fantasy Football, of course. The kind of Fantasy Football that wins championships, i.e. the bestest kind. For all the talk of JC Superstar and Knowshon this year, it’s kinda been lost in the shuffle that LeSean McCoy has been beasting all year. Ok, it’s hard to say that about @CutOnDime25 but when you think about it, it’s kinda true. Everyone talked about how he could be a fantasy stud in the off-season when Chip came to town but really, everyone was talking about Chip not him. Then Vick started the year off hot, so Michael Vick was the point of discussion. Then Vick sucked and that, of course, was the point of discussion. Then in waltzed Nick Foles who started running Chip’s offense at full steam and then he was the point of discussion. It’s odd that a guy can lead the NFL in rushing yards and be a bit of an afterthought in this game we play but that’s what happens when you’re consistently good but rarely breakout great in this game. Everyone wants week 15 JC Superstar, week 8 Megatron, week 13 Josh Gordon (will someone PLEASE give that man a nickname). But Shady has just ‘been there’. He’s had some big rushing days, don’t get me wrong as his 133 yards on the ground Sunday were his 6th 100+ yard effort of the year and he does have a 200+ yard snow game to his credit. I don’t know, maybe I’m Chris Collinsworth’ing this whole shizz and creating a narrative that doesn’t need to be made but I swear I’ve heard more about other players of this caliber over the course of the season than LeSean. Here’s to you, Shady, and the joy of the championships you brought to all those peoples out there who aren’t Lugers. In other news from week 16 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season…
Geno Smith – The Human Geno project put up his 4th 20+ point scoring game on the year, going for 214/2/0 through the air and scampering for 10/48/1. I point out the 4th 20+ point game because he’s also put up negative or single digit efforts in 7 games this year. Rookies are like flavors of ice cream in their varied flavors. I think we can best describe Geno’s season as Rocky Road.
Donald Brown – Went for 110 total yards and 2 total touchdowns on the day as Trent drafters/trade for’ers/droppers lament. Only thing interesting about this current scenario is what does the backfield look like in 2014 for the Colts now that Brown has arrived. If it’s Brown leading the charge, Coltplay will put out the album ‘A Rush Of Brains To The Head’.
DeMarco Murray – Murray had almost all of his yardage in the first half but that’s not the part that matters. What does is Dallas didn’t stop running the ball like they normally do when they’re successful at it. It’s like they run away from success sometimes…hrm, ok throw away from success. Whatever. You get it. Murray finished with 111 total yards and 2 TDs as the Cowboys finally stopped playing DeMarco Polo near the red zone.
A.J. Green – Did what you needed him to do as he made my Red Rocket call look beautiful: 7/97/2 on 12 targets. How Green is my envy you ask? I’ve gone to the doctor about it, as I told you in private before. Why are you trying to embarrass me in front of all my internet friends?
Peyton Manning – 400/4…no that’s not his time in the 4 yard dash (ok, it might be). Manning tied then passed Brady’s all-time single-season TD passing record with 51 and still has a week to go (though he probably sits anyways). PFM4MVP should be a bumper sticker. If it’s not…PATENT!
Jamaal Charles – Well, it wasn’t the big week he had last week to push you through to the championships but you’ll take a 13/106/1 with 5/38 on the side, right? Right? Yeah, the touches were kinda weird to me, too. They lost to Indy at home. Charles got less than 20 touches in the game. Coinicidence? Nah…
Pierre Garcon – No Reed, then it’s Peter Waiter all day long: 11 receptions for 144 yards on 18 targets and a touchdown to boot. I know his initials are PG but that endline is NC-17. Cover your eyes children!
Chad Henne – So he outscored your starting QB. Yes yours. I don’t even have to look. The bathroom is down the hallway to your right. No your OTHER right. And you just threw up in my hallway. Thanks, I just had that carpet steam-cleaned! I told you week 16 makes things weird.
Calvin Johnson – In like a Lion, out like a Lamb…no, he wasn’t traded to the Rams. Though that’s gotta be the headline if that happens. Whatever. He was gimpy most of the game but Stafford was dink dunk most of the game so it was all moot. Schwartz and co. got to go. Just a poor end to a wonderful beginning for these two both in real and fantasy football.
Dez Bryant – Another solid but ‘where’s my 200 yard game’ type of performance from Dez: 4/73/1 on 11 targets. Looking ahead to 2014, there’ll need to be some changes before I put Dez as a top 3 at WR. Talent says he should be there. Talent of team’s coaches says they’re making paper airplanes during tape review.
Shane Vereen – Well, at least he got you a touchdown, right? Went down with a groin injury early after gaining 10 total yards. Looked like he was gonna be a matchup nightmare on the day, too. Oh what could’ve been…
LeGarrette Blount – Heading into SNF, Blount was a top 10 rushing back on the week in standard. I said week 16 made things weird, right? Yup.
Zac Stacy – It was pretty ugly but he ground out 33 carries for 104 yards and a TD against one of the top rushing defenses in the league. I’m gonna have a hard time not putting Stacy at or near top 5 RBs next year. I’m also gonna have a hard time not touching myself while watching game rewind of him over the off-season. Wait, who typed that!
Jimmy Graham – I’m sure his foot still hurts: 5/73/1 on 11 targets. Sometimes you get the injury bug wrong and I missed on Graham…Cracker…CRUNCH! pretty badly. But then I go and make that Aaron Rodgers SELL call…and totally redeem myself!
Joique Bell – Well Reggie Bush said he was a Mudder. Didn’t know he meant he was a Mudder Fumbler. Bell went for 154 total yards (10 receptions) and a TD and he leaves myself and the guys over at Revelation Sports wondering why they spent all that money to replace that which they already had. Repeat after me: Schwartz and co. got to go.
Le’Veon Bell – I’m just looking up running backs with Bell as the last name. After another big day -129 total yards and a TD – we need to give this guy a nickname. He sounds like a fancy bottled water or something. But that’s so not football. Jugs? Hrm, that’s more of a Breastaurant name…let’s think on this over the off-season.
Nate Washington – Nate has 3 games this year of over 100 yards receiving. The last one was week 4. Week 4×4 = week 16 which in turn = weird. Basically everyone you started should’ve been benched for 30+ year old wideouts and RB journeyman this week.
Shonn Greene – See 1/4th inch above for what the funk happened here. Finished with 91 yards and a TD. CJ finished with an endline that’s probably the end of the line for him in Tennessee. How Greene was your valley…well if we’re talking green as in fruitful, it was pretty good. If you’re making some Lolita reference, we’re done talking.
Fred Jackson – CJ who? FJax may not have been a Moreno deal in drafts but I’m sure his owners still enjoyed what they got where they got it. Don’t take the last part of that sentence out of context plz, thx.
Ben Roethlisberger – Only needed 167 passing yards to be a top scoring QB this week. Remember week 16 = weird, yah? Passed for 2 TDs while chipping in a rumbling 13 yard TD rush to put him in his owner’s good graces. You know, the Stafford owners who had him on their bench because you just can’t sit Matthew.
DeAngelo Williams – It’s that time of year you go back and look at what you said about particular guys just for fun so I decided to take a peek at DW from the Top 40 Running Backs and this is what I had to say: Fun with stats: in 9 December games starting in 2011, DeAngelo has 688 yards, 162 receiving yards and 8 total touchdowns. In his other 23 games he’s at 885/160/6. Draft/trade strategy for 2013: don’t draft a Panther back but trade for Williams before the calendar rolls to December 1. Admittedly, this hasn’t been a December to remember for DeAngelo like in year’s past but that’s the second straight week of a TD for Williams and a plus 10 on the scoreboard. It’s the little things that make me happy, people.
Drew Brees – He didn’t kill you this week but he didn’t really help you either: 281/1/2 as his home/road splits have been drastic all year. Tuck this nugget where the sun don’t shine for next year. The place I’m talking about is your brain. It doesn’t shine there either, perv.
Jerrel Jernigan – Who the funk is this guy? No really. Went for 6/80/1 and outscored pretty much every guy you’d not expect him to outscore. Stedman Bailey? I get that one. Mike Brown? Eh, I can accept that. But a guy who’s name makes you sound like you’re saying Jiminy Jillikers…this just won’t do.
Jarrett Boykin – The end line for him is one good reason to talk about Boykin – 5/54/1 – but the really big reason to talk about him is his emergence means James Jones is probably playing somewhere else next year. I just gave you a Dynasty league heads up without really being a dynasty league guy. I’m good like that.
Carson Palmer – Clearly Palmer bet on Seattle like everyone else: 178/1/4. Just for fun, I figure I’ll share this interesting stat because I’m crying as a ‘hawks fan right now: this is the first loss for Russell Wilson at home as a starting QB since his junior year at NC State on October 2nd of 2010. And you think I have a short attention span when it comes to real football informa…oh look a squirrel!
Griff Whalen – Went for 7/80, taking plenty of passes that I thought would eventually go to TY or even Da’Rick. And in many leagues, there was much whalen and gnashing of teeth and the Fantasy Gods said it was good.
Julian Edelman – So, when Amendola went to the Patriots in the off-season and Welker went to the Broncos, who had Edelman as outscoring them during Fantasy Super Bowl week? Anyone? Anyone? Hello? Bueller. The other, other, OTHER white meat went for 7/77 on 11 targets. It’s been an up and down season in terms of value for Edelman but with Gronk’s recent injury, I wouldn’t bet against a strong season from Julian in 2014 in PPR leagues.
Marcedes Lewis – You know your position is deprived when 4/50/1 gets you a place at the top TEs of the week table.
Buffalo Bills D/ST – Gonna have to change their team name to Buffal-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH! Ok, maybe there’s no Andrew Dice Clay in their future but they gave Miami the D today. If that offense can ever shore up and play consistently, this team has D/ST monster written all over it.
Rashad Jennings – And out of nowhere, Dennis Allen decided that DMC has done such a great job this year, he deserves touches. Rashad was vultured for a TD early and never got in a groove. Finished with 72 total yards and a flummoxed owner face from all of his supporters. It’s ok, Dennis Allen, they don’t need you around in 2014 anyway.
Bryce Brown – Almost tied Shady for the team lead in rushing. Had to settle for ‘just’ 115 yards on 9 carries to go with a TD. I’m gonna start calling it Shy-Town instead of Chi-Town because everyone is too modest when trying to stop someone from scoring on them. Chris Polk? Get outta here, Shy-Town!
Brent Celek – I’m gonna pretend Ertz and Celek are the same player. Drunken thought for next year: be able to draft team TEs if we’re gonna have a TE spot at all.
Jay Cutler – Remove the last three letters of your last name, Jay. That’s what owners would do to you if they could right now…woah, no not that kind of cut. I meant from their team. I don’t condone violence nor emo self-infliction.