Greetings!!! Welcome to Razzball’s first ever, REAL NFL Mock Draft. The more you know and understand about rosters and the NFL in general, will only help you achieve your grandiose dreams of fantasy greatness. Who better than I, Tehol Beddict, Razzball’s own in-house football expert, to break down what all 32 NFL teams should be doing with their first round selections? Don’t answer that.
I expect there to be numerous trades in the first round, and all throughout the draft, but I’m not even going to attempt at predicting all of the trade scenarios. That’s like trying to decipher how Nicolas Cage went from an A-list leading actor to the holding up “Will Work for Food” signs on Hollywood Boulevard. I don’t recall ever being this pumped up about an NFL Draft, as this is one of the more intriguing draft classes in some time. I’m giddy like a school girl on Christmas Eve!
Tehol’s 2014 NFL Mock Draft
1. Houston Texans- DE, Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina: If no other team is willing to pay the price Houston is asking for the number one overall selection, then Clowney is the pick. I love the multiple pass rushing combinations the Texans can throw out there with Clowney, Watt, Mercilus and Brooks Reed. Adding Johnny Heisman here would certainly be fantastic for marketing purposes, but it’s well known that he doesn’t fit new head coach Bill O’Brien’s scheme. That’s like fitting a square peg into a round hole, or better yet, a women losing her virginity to Peter North. YIKES! If Houston is able to find a trade partner, like Atlanta for example, I believe they should take Blake Bortles. I’d actually be fine with them drafting Bortles number one overall, but that doesn’t seem to be an option they are considering at the moment. Don’t cry for Bortles if he doesn’t get picked first though, for he already has Tom Brady-like arm candy in Lindsey Duke. (Possibly NSFW.) What I wouldn’t give to make her my tackling dummy. GOOD GODS!
2. St Louis Rams- QB, Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M / OT, Jake Matthews Texas A&M: I’m simply not a believer in current QB Sam Bradford. The Rams should have selected RG-3 a couple years back and traded Bradford for a late first round pick. Now they have another chance for an upgrade at the QB position, and while Bradford no longer holds the value he once did, a 2nd or 3rd rounder is enough in my eyes to make this all happen. The Rams have an opportunity to grab a born winner with the kind of upside that could elevate them into contender status within the next few seasons. Bradford is the Aaron Eckhart of NFL QB’s. Eckhart, while arguably decent in supporting roles and starring in lower budget films, simply isn’t bringing you a box office smash on his own. Manziel is Channing Tatum and my Gods is that man hot right now. Have you seen the boy bust a move? Incredible. I would add, Coach Jeff Fisher has a major connection the Matthews family, and is the more likely selection. If this occurs, I fully expect Cleveland to take Manziel at the 4-spot.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars – WR, Sammy Watkins, Clemson: With the uncertainty in former top-10 selection Justin Blackmon ever setting foot on a football field again, Watkins is the obvious selection here. Minus Blackmon, the Jags boast a pathetic group of offensive weapons for below average starting quarterback, Chad Henne, and that’s a recipe for another meaningless season out in Jacksonville ya’ll. Cecil Shorts as number one? Not that exciting. Cecil Shorts as number two? Solid. Cecil Shorts as a number three and born playmaker, Ace Sanders, at the four spot? Now we’re talking elite weaponry, and that arouses your Uncle Beddict a great deal.
4. Cleveland Browns- WR, Mike Evans, Texas A&M: Here we have the nightmare scenario for the Browns with Manziel off the board, as they have no need for Mack with Sheard, Mingo and Kruger in place, and already have their franchise left tackle in Joe Thomas. What to do, what to do? Solidify the O-line by adding the monstrosity that is Greg Robinson… or swoop up Bortles? The answer, my friends, is neither. Pairing Evans with Josh Gordon gives the Browns an otherworldly pair of wideouts, immediately rivaling the NFL’s best.
5. Oakland Raiders- OT, Greg Robinson, Auburn: Robinson is a transcendent talent at the tackle position, a player GM Reggie McKenzie simply can’t pass up. I realize the Raiders signed Donald Penn and Austin Howard to hold down left and right tackle, but Robinson is simply on another level and frankly, Oakland is beyond lucky to get him in the 5-hole. Easy pick.
6. Atlanta Falcons- LB, Khalil Mack, Buffalo: See, dreams really do come true. The Falcons hold tight and still end up getting the type of high impact defensive player this team so severely lacks. This one’s a no brainer, as Atlanta’s defense lacks play-makers at all three levels, and Mack has the ability to make a Von Miller type impact from the jump. Hopefully Falcons GM, Thomas Dimitroff, brings an extra pair of drawls with him, for if this particular scenario unfolds, he’ll more than likely orgasm the moment Rodge Goodell announces the pick.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- DT, Aaron Donald, Pitt: With Watkins, Evans, and Manziel off the board, Donald is the proper selection here. The thought of Donald being paired with All-World, Gerald McCoy, is downright horrifying. I’m talkin Melissa McCarthy naked horrifying. Toss in the new defensive end addition, Michael Johnson, and the Bucs’s defense just went from an embarrassing weakness to arguably one of the best in the NFL. Yep, it’s that simple, folks.
8. Minnesota Vikings- QB, Blake Bortles, UCF: I’ve heard rumors that the Vikings will pursue Rams QB Sam Bradford if St. Louis nabs Manziel at the 2-spot, and that would obviously alter this selection, but as of now, Bortles is the obvious call. Donald would be an interesting addition as well, but he’s gone in Beddict’s mock. Christian Ponder has been a bust of the highest order, and it’s time to move on. I despised the selection when they made it originally, and I’m shocked it didn’t cost Spielman his job. Kudos to him for hanging on.
9. Buffalo Bills- TE, Erik Ebron, North Carolina: I’m going to give young Cordy Glenn the benefit of the doubt here and say he’s a franchise left tackle, making the addition of Lewan unnecessary here. The Bills need a play-maker for their 2nd year QB, E.J. Manuel, and Ebron is just what the doctor ordered (can I get some Zanies with that doc?). Receiver is also a need, but I’m going with the new age TE, E-Money.
10. Detroit Lions- CB, Darqueze Dennard, Michigan State: Is Matt Millen still running the show in Detroit or are these rumblings about them jumping up a few spots to possibly snag Mike Evans just due to massive marijuana smoke, er, I mean smoke screen…? Please tell me somebody lied. The Lions defensive backfield is simply gross, and though you could argue that safety is an even greater need than corner, I believe Dennard is simply too good to pass up. They have a speed guy in Chris Houston already, but starting the ancient Rashean Mathis at CB is truly unacceptable.
11.Tennessee Titans- CB Justin Gilbert, Oklahoma State: Gilby here, is the perfect replacement for Alterraun Verner, as the kid is a natural playmaker. It disgusts me to think about the Titans letting Verner walk for $26.5 million after he balled out last season, but such is life for Titans fans. An added bonus here is that the 6 foot 205 LB, Gilbert is a difference maker in the return game as well and the Titans will take points anyway they can get em. With his elite characteristics, Gilbert has the most upside of any DB in this entire draft and in a draft like last years, would have possibly gone top-5. Great pick.
12. New York Giants- OT, Taylor Lewan, Michigan. I understand that New York “technically” has two starting offensive tackles, but this offensive line was absolutely putrid in 2013. With Eli taking more body shots than Lindsay Lohan on Spring Break, and the ridiculously talented Lewan falling in their laps in this scenario, Jerry Reese must pull the trigger. Move Pugh to guard, and then allow him to take over for Beatty down the road. Maybe that will even force Tommy Coughlin to bench his son-in-law, Chris Snee, and wouldn’t that make for an interesting Thanksgiving? The Giants could also use a TE in a major way, but someone like Jace Amaro or Troy Niklas could be there for them in the 2nd, or they could go for high upside and value in the later rounds with someone like Colt Lyerla of Oregon, or one of my personal favorites, A.C. Leonard of Tennessee State.
13. St. Louis Rams- WR Odell Beckham Jr. Georgia: Ideally, the Rams trade down from this spot to the 18-23 range, pick up a couple picks, draft Marquise Lee, then package a few of picks they received to move up to end of first round or high second to take WSU stud safety, Deone Bucannon. Follow that up with spending the rest of their picks on a mix of corners and O-lineman, and St. Louis is in business. Did I just throw my name in the hat for an assistant GM job with the Rams? Looks that way. #Genius. St. Louis has invested quite a few picks at the WR position the past few years, but hey, all of them look like dog food, other than a few flashes from last year’s top-10 pick, Tavon Austin. The sub-par QB play and ridiculously horrific play calling of Brian Schottenheimer probably had quite a bit to do with it, but still, I’m not viewing much star power in this corps. I suppose Givens still has some upside and Quick has the look of a possible stud, but just haven’t seen enough to pass on Beckham if they’re unable to trade down. Picture Johnny Football rolling out, diming up Tavon, Beckham and TE Jared Cook with Zac Stacy pile driving his opponents like Ron Jeremy in his prime. Now that’s hot. Backup selections are Zack Martin or their highest rated defensive back.
14. Chicago Bears: S, Calvin Pryor, Louisville: Clinton-Dix is rated higher on many an analysts draft board, but Pryor will bring the madden hit-stick to life in Chicago, and those bloodthirsty fans will love him for it. Chicago brings back both of their starting corners, but are in desperate need of a play-making safety. I would consider a linebacker, but when I’m witnessing the name Chris Conte listed as your starting safety, something has gone incredibly wrong. Drafting Pryor = problem solved.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers- CB, Kyle Fuller, Virginia Tech: Looking at the depth chart, CB somehow stands out as a greater need than WR, and that’s saying something, for Pittsburgh’s wideout situation is one of the most peonic in the entire NFL. Ike Taylor is falling off like a bad bag of dope, and William Gay, who played above and beyond expectations, is better suited for the slot. Fuller can immediately step in a nickel situation, and will be starting sooner rather than later. In witnessing Pittsburgh’s soul crushing defeat to the Patriots last season, I viewed their secondary being consistently penetrated like they were Pamela Anderson in the 90s. Change is needed, and Fuller would be a welcome addition. There will be some solid wideouts in round 2 and that’s where Pittsburgh should strike.
16. Dallas Cowboys- S, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Alabama: Everyone has Dallas taking Zack Martin, but to me, the offense is still functioning with the current line. The defense, however, has been a disgrace and that takes precedence here. Dallas is in dire need of play-making defenders as they’ve routinely suffered an inordinate amount of injuries, and been majorly let down by former top-5 pick, Morris Claiborne. To top it all off, stalwart outside linebacker, DeMarcus Ware, was let go in cost cutting maneuver, thinning their ranks even further. Anthony Barr could be a decent selection here as well, but safety is becoming more important than ever with all the game breaking tight ends entering the league, and Dallas simply isn’t good enough on the back end. Cowboys fans would be happy with this pick.
17. Baltimore Ravens-WR, Marquise Lee, USC: I seem to be one of the few that still believes Lee has elite, number one receiver ability, and even if he doesn’t reach that lofty status, he still makes for a superb pairing with Torrey Smith. My eyes see a kid that will get me 1,000 yards NEXT SEASON, and my eyes rarely lie to me. That is of course unless I’m binge drinking and popping adderall in Tijuana. Last time that happened, I woke up with big old madre. Yea, she was about a deuce, deuce-and-a-half.
18. New York Jets- WR, Brandin Cooks, Oregon State: The addition of Cooks will only further enhance the bounty of new weaponry for either second year man Geno Smith or my choice at starting QB, dog lover, Michael Vick. With this selection and the addition of a tight end, like say, ASJ, in the second, New York is primed for a playoff run. Cooks very well could end up being a DeSean Jackson or Steve Smith type weapon, making getting him in this spot an absolute robbery. Kudos.
19. Miami Dolphins- OT Zack Martin, Notre Dame: Another dream scenario unfolds as the sexy and highly versatile Martin falls into the Dolphins lap at pick 19. I thought this was unfathomable before I began this journey, but remember this, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. Easy choice for the Dolphins.
20. Arizona Cardinals- OLB Anthony Barr, UCLA. Barr should be a steal at this point in the draft, giving the Cardinals the pass rush specialist they desire, or at least “should” desire. Barr could end up going anywhere from the top-10 to the mid twenties, but I don’t see how Arizona passes here.
21. Green Bay Packers- ILB C.J. Mosley, Alabama: Mosley should be a high impact middle linebacker from the jump, hopefully allowing them to finally move on from bust A.J. Hawk. How he’s still there is one of this country’s great unsolved mysteries. #Disgrace
22. Philadelphia Eagles- CB Bradley Roby, THE Ohio State University: I’m going Roby over Varrett here. as he’s closer to the prototypical corner size, which I prefer. An upgrade over Bradley Fletcher is of tremendous necessity and Roby is the kind of high upside talent I love grabbing in the late first round. I’m sold.
23. Kansas City Chiefs- LB, Ryan Shazier, THE Ohio State University: Though undersized, Shazier would instantly make the Chiefs 3/4 linebacking core comparable to San Francisco’s, and that’s legendary status. In my mock, all the receivers they should be targeting are gone, so they get a consolation prize in one of the more talented players in this year’s draft.
24. Cincinnati Bengals- S Jimmie Ward, No. Illinois. When I see Taylor Mays penciled in as a starting safety, that’s a problem. Not a Tom Sizemore anywhere within 1000 miles of crystal meth problem, but a problem nonetheless. I’m probably his biggest fan, and even I’ve excepted he’s of superior use at the hybrid linebacker/safety role he was beginning to flourish in last season before going down with an injury. The Bengals don’t have a TON of needs so I’m taking a high impact player and day one starter in Ward.
25. San Diego Chargers- CB Jason Varrett, TCU: Defensive back isn’t just a need for the whale’s vag, it’s an absolute necessity. Nose tackle is an option here with Nix on the board, but this defense needs play-makers, and Varrett fits the bill.
26. Cleveland Browns- CB Stanley Jean-Baptiste, Nebraska: Quarterback is the obvious choice here, but when you have a high second round pick, it may not be necessary to go there depending on the flow of the draft. Buster Skrine is penciled in at as a starter right now, and that’s unacceptable to me, so I’m reaching on the Richard Sherman sized Jean-Baptiste. At 6’3” and 220 pounds, this Frenchmen is the perfect compliment to superstar Joe Haden. Cleveland was exposed at this position last season and this fills a major need.
27. New Orleans Saints- DE, Dee Ford, Auburn: Give the legendary Rob Ryan another toy to play with on defense, and New Orleans could be right back in the thick of Super Bowl contention. It’s duly noted that the Saints need another wide receiver, but unless they’re obsessed with any left on the board (I am not, obviously) then take the pass rushing specialist and grab a wideout in round two. It’s really that simple.
28. Carolina Panthers- OT, Cyrus Kouandijo, Alabama: The Panthers find themselves in a precarious situation here. They are equally inept at both OT and WR, and lack the depth to afford trading up to grab one of the elite options at either of those positions. We’re going to go Kouandijo here based on him having as much upside as any offensive tackle in this draft after Robinson and possibly Lewan. Going receiver in the 2nd round is imperative. This team could be looking at taking a major step back next season and, could possibly be drafting in the top-15 at this time next season.
29. New England Patriots- TE, Austin Seferian-Jenkins, Washington: Hageman is an intriguing fit as well, and I’m guessing the Patriots will trade down as usual, BUT, would it really shock us if they took the supremely talented, ASJ, at pick 29? Imagine pairing this beastly creature with “Tha Gronk.” Now you have two freakishly talented tight ends who are both high level blockers and have the ability to make huge plays down the field. I wouldn’t be mad at cha’, Billy. Go ahead and do that……or trade down 10-15 picks and make the same selection. Your choice.
30. San Francisco 49ers- DE, DT Ra’Shede Hageman, Minnesota: At 6’6” 310 pounds, Hages, defines the term, “Monstrosity.” This way, when Justin Smith retires after next season, you line up Tank Carradine with this savage at both 3/4 D-end slots and just like witnessing Kate Upton do the Cat Daddy (NSFW… but never gets old), that makes my mouth water ya’ll.
31. Denver Broncos- LB, Christian Jones, Florida State: This pick is going to make some of you question my credibility, maybe even my manhood, but one of Denver’s few glaring needs lie at LB, and Jones is an absolute freak. At 6-3, 240, Jones has the kind of upside that very few possess. With his incredible pass coverage skills and He-Man like strength, Jones is well worth a late first round selection. Right tackle is the only other need.
32. Seattle Seahawks- WR Kelvin Benjamin, Florida State: The Champs are here! As Seattle begins their quest for back-to-back titles, I believe it’s in their best interest to draft Optimus Prime AKA Benjamin. Yes, I know the kid’s been falling off draft boards nationwide, but when you’re the Seahawks, you can do whatever you want with this pick and make it look good. Imagining Optimus as a red zone weapon in Seattle makes me yearn for sex, as in the thought gave me an erection. Will that be edited out? Probably, but who cares. It’s a mock draft!
And there you have it. Razzball’s first ever official Mock Draft is in the books. Feel free to leave your comments, questions or arguments in the comment section below as I will respond to anything and everything. If you’re not following me on Twitter, go ahead and do that at @TeholBeddict47