Green Bay Packers v Minnesota Vikings

Did he beat his kid until he was purple? Jesus.

So, as if there hasn’t been enough negative news going around these parts, apparently, the Vikings running back wishes to keep the dominoes going. In other news, thanks for making me hungry for pizza too. Ya jerk.

Vikings running back Adrian Peterson has been indicted on charges of child injury in Texas, according to multiple reports. 

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They don’t call it the Charm City for nothing!

God, these teams are both terrible. At least that’s what I got from last night’s game. I remember when this matchup was good. Now it’s like watching a fight in the old age home between two withered, senile dudes in diapers. One thing’s for sure, The Ravens overcame a lot of adveristy last night, if adversity means the Steelers. And, to Pittsburgh’s credit, they all looked remarkably calm for being on a boat that’s sinking. For the complete recap of the game, I’ve compacted it into one sentence for each team, so as to limit your suffering: Ravens — Six trips inside the 20 and two TDs. (Thanks, no, we were just looking.) Steelers — Even by Todd Haley standards, that was some sh*t playcalling. (“HOW DO I FOOTBALL?”) But hey, you have to admit, Joe Flacco looked at least 2% more elite with that rugged beard.

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Chip Riley

I have no idea what’s going on here, but what ever it is, probably needs more doctor. 

Warning: This is a Ray Rice free zone. And as much as we’d like to adhere to this policy on Razzball tonight and in the future, you’d be crazy to think that the NFL Network will. And if ESPN and their mighty journalistic integrity are any indication of what we’re in store tonight, we’re f*cked. And what probably doesn’t take attention away from domestic violence is the fact that domestic abuse survivor, Rihanna, will be performing with Jay-Z (more like Jay-Y, amiright folks?) before the game. Well, to the NFL’s credit, at least they didn’t ask Chris Brown to perform… But, luckily for us, there’s actually going to be football going on between two franchises that really seem to dislike each other. So let’s bring in the football so we can forget everything else for a few hours. Well, okay, you’re right, with the commercials, it’s more like five hours.

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Week 1 Results: 61.8% (22nd out of 134 Experts, 66.1% Highest, 48.2% Lowest).

It’s now time for Week 2 Rankings folks! Why? Because the world needs rankings. Nay, the world demands it. To be really honest, what’s the point of writing about fantasy football if not to start arguments over subjective numerical values? If you answered “there is no point!” (exclamation point inflection required), well then, you win this cookie. This cookie right here. Oh, you don’t see the cookie? That’s probably because I just ate it. So you get no cookie. Just the teasing of said cookie.

Great, now I’m hungry for more cookies. Thanks!

As an aside, I’ve heard some requests for a ‘Rest of Season’ rankings made available for the masses. Well, I haven’t heard them per say… I’ve read the requests, seeing as how you people don’t whisper in my ear. I mean, maybe you do, but I’m just trying to ignore you because that’s creepy, dude. Regardless, I will be releasing ROS projections at every quarter mark of the season, or basically every month, or every four weeks… basically every 30 or so days. Or 730 hours. 43829 minutes. 2.63e+6 seconds… woah, what the heck is that I just wrote? That looks like some kind of alien language. But, you get my point. So, yeah, be excited for that!

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Well, as referenced last night, the derpiness was magnified 10-fold with two Monday Night Football games being played. For the Giants, well, I can only say that it’s my honor to watch Tom Coughlin’s last year as head coach. The team looked drunk most of the night, I guess wanting to join in on my fun. The optimist in me would say that things can only improve from here on out, but I know Eli Manning better than that. (He’s on pace for 32 interceptions. I believe!) On the flip side, we saw Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson play catch for most of the evening. There must have been something the Giants defense could have done to prevent all those touchdown passes to Megatron. Maybe they could have had some of their players around the area that Mr. Johnson occupied, perhaps making it more difficult for the ball to be thrown to him? They could call this wonderful new invention “pass coverage”. And while in the second quarter when the game was still close, it looked like all the other Lions games I’ve watched, where the two teams are essentially two friends at dinner arguing over who is going to pick up the check. Eventually, someone gives in, but the act is just weird over-generosity at that point. But alas, the game ended pretty quickly thereafter and we were left with an important question: Are the Lions good at football, or are the Giants a dumpster fire?

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Because Sunday was not enough to fill everyone’s football appetite, we don’t get just one Monday Night Football game, but two. Or as the Spanish call it: dos. The more you know. These two final week one games will serve as a bookend to what was a half-derpy, half-competant filled weekend of football. So I guess normal, except the Bills are in first place, which is just silly. And while you could make the claim that it was quite the unpredictable weekend, three of the four teams that had first-round byes last season won their first game. Tonight will probably be no different than Sunday, just at a smaller scale. Or maybe a bigger scale since Eli Manning is playing.

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TMZ Sports has released the complete and disturbing video that shows Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee in the face in an Atlantic City hotel in February. This is the first time we have seen footage of Rice actually hitting Janay Rice (then Palmer), and while I won’t link it here because abuse, of any kind, sickens me, I’m sure Google can help you out. There are conflicting reports of whether or not the NFL and Roger Goodell had access to this “extended” cut when deciding the length of Rice’s suspension, because I’m sure at this point, the league would rather just look completely stupid than heartless, but, at least in my eyes, it looks like they’re going to come out as both. Nailed it!

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An artist’s depiction of yesterday’s Cowboys game.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the first every Sunday of football should always have the Dallas Cowboys doing whatever that was they did yesterday afternoon. In fact, let’s start a petition to have them on Monday AND Thursday night as well. I mean, can we even say that the Cowboys actually did anything in training camp? This looks like the exact same team from last year, and I’ve already started decorating my house for the holidays seeing as how the Cowboys are already in mid-December form. True, as the sharp and always entertaining (in gouging your own eyes out sort of way) commentating duo of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman informed us, if not for all the turnovers, this would have been a close game. I’ve never seen something so beautifully and succinctly useless at the same time. If it weren’t for the Normandy landing and the eastern invasion of Russia, Germany had a pretty good World War II. And while the game was technically close without including large portions of events that happened during the game, I was left with this one burning question– What is it called when you throw to a receiver that had 12 people covering him?

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Hey, did you know Peyton Manning was once the quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts? Pray tell! While Manning’s first game against his former team was heralded as an “emotional” return because of all those years he worked to bring the Colts as many Super Bowl Championships that Tavaris Jackson has, this Sunday Night match-up will feel a little bit different. Mostly because the man (Jim Irsay) who created such a sentimental treatment in the last match-up is on a short Roger Goodell imposed time-out. (Since it’s not like he beat up a woman or something like that.) And Wes Welker, arguably not one of this best receivers, is hanging out with some woman named Molly.

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