Have you ever had such a bad fantasy week that you’ve asked your wife to murder you in your sleep? That was me last night. Turns out that she was glad to oblige and wanted it in writing. So I guess it’s a blessing that I’m here today. 

I was up 4 points in one league that I needed to make a move in. He had Evan Engram left and after being shut out for 3 and a half quarters, Engram beat me in one drive. In a league that a win would’ve put me in a good spot for a first round bye, I fell 5 Saquon Barkley points short of victory. The Giants had the ball at the two-yard line with over a minute to go. Let’s get to these rankings before I get upset all over again. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Have you ever shared custody of a dog with an ex-spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend? Prayfully not, my goodmen, but surely you know some poor sod who takes part in this sad and pathetic lifestyle, someone you look down upon with shame as if they were a lower form of human life. As if they, well, you know, thought sharing a dog with an ex was a solid idea. If you didn’t know someone before, you do now!! ME, Beddict, former Commander and Chief of the Players club, himself, somehow buried in this game like a rotting  casket. How did we (me) get here? There is not enough battery left in my MacBook Air (Lap top in laymen terms), to tell that tale, and thank the Elders for that, but I’ll whack ya with a few deets, just in case you want to get your beak wet…..I don’t even know what that means. 

Anyway, I have five dogs total, two with my ex in Seattle, and three with my last girlfriend in New Orleans. NOLA won’t actually speak to me, either because she despises me, that or she’s being respectful to her strange new emo- King Fiancé. All I know, is that when I stalk her Instagram every night, I NEVER SEE MY BABY JILLIAN!!! I see the other two angels, but little Jillie bean is nowhere in sight…Hmmmm, anyway, I HAD five dogs scattered across the country like dust in the wind, six if you count the dog that was mine that I gave to my Mom 14 years ago. He was so handsome, I say, “WAS,” for he was tragically killed three weeks ago, ON MY BIRTHDAY, ruining my day and in a way, my life. So I suppose we’re back to five, four if Jillian is no longer among the breathing. This led to my first ex sweetly offering to “ALLOW” me to see our two dogs for a week or so, since she felt so awful about Q-ball being run over on my birthday and all. We weren’t on speaking terms so I thought this to be a truly grand gesture of kindness………Alas, life only allows pleasant emotions for short periods of time before ripping them out with rusty machete. One week turned into 10 days, and it also turned out that she was getting married and just had nowhere else to leave the dogs since they’re too old to be left at any kennel. Married to the friend zone king who had stalked her our entire relationship, you know the type. Shit, some of you probably are the type. For me to properly draft the proper amount of ratchetness involved would take the last remaining splinters of my soul, and that, guys/gals, is too much to ask. Even of me. 

What am I going on about? This is a fantasy sports website. But isn’t that why you love (Despise) me? Below are my thoughts on this past week’s NFL games. Take heed!

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I have to admit the pickings are slim on the waiver wire this week. There are a lot of guys coming off solid performances in week 10 who just have bye weeks in week 11 that I think you should keep an eye on. Former 2nd round pick Zay Jones for example had the best game of his career putting up 23 fantasy points in week 10 now that he finally has a real quarterback in — wait a minute — Matt Barkley?! Frank Gore had himself another double-digit rushing attempt game and actually did something with it putting up 12 fantasy points, but he’s resting in week 11 too. Baker Mayfield had his best fantasy game of the year with 22 fantasy points in week 10 — but again, bye week. For these bye week players, you’re welcome to add them now, but just know they’ll be filling up your bench for the week.

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I’m bored with reviewing five or six games per week. I feel suffocated, you know? Why keep me tied down to just writing about half of Sunday’s games? It’s my Monday column, why not bring the realness. Like Marky Mark says in The Other Guys, “I’m a peacock, you gotta let me fly!” I want to go position by position and see how it flows.

So what are two fun categories to correctly identify each? Well, ‘Stars’ is easy. It’s clear and to the point. What could possibly categorize something so blind-siding and awful that it sucks the life right out of your fantasy team that stays with the astrology theme? There has to be something that’s, let’s say, related to the misery of being a Raiders fan. There literally can’t be anything worse. I’ve got it. Black holes. Now that we have that covered, let’s start with quarterbacks…

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I feel really bad for Dez Bryant. It’s the only human reaction to have when somebody has something happen to them that derails a dream or destiny, I suppose. Another part of me hates this because I wanted to be right about him being a non-factor for the Saints. That’s obviously the least important part of this whole Dez Bryant roller coaster. I hope that you didn’t sell out for the dream of early 2010’s Dez Bryant, but if you did, let me help you out in the comment section.

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Well dear readers, let’s just get right to the good stuff today.

QB

Ryan Fitzpatrick, $7,600 – “Bucs QB” would be worth playing since you wouldn’t have to deal with the possible benching. Ryan Fitzpatrick, on his own, carries some risk of being benched. But that risk is entirely outweighed by the fact that he’s the starting QB in Air Monken. And Air Monken throws a lot. And volume is king.  

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Four more games left until most fantasy football playoffs begin. How are you looking? Playoff spot locked up or do you need to go on a run down the stretch?

Another quiet week, we avoided major injuries to our starting backs. Today, I’ll touch on a few handcuffs that are worth monitoring heading in to your playoffs.

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Last week we finally had a reader tie the touts. Three folks achieved the high score of 8 correct: reader Sweaty Pants tied two of Razzball’s own in Brandon Myers and Matt Bowe. The reader bell curve was normal, but the touts was smashed to the ends. That’s interesting in a way someone better at data analysis could tell you. The winner of this week’s reader side will receive the DJax chain that Matt Bowe wore with his FitzMagic Halloween costume (*may be a replica). As usual, you can get an extra point if share your favorite of these props on any social media. THIS WEEK’S PROPS are live so get crunching. You can see the response distribution of the tout side here.

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Accuracy Overall QB RB WR TE K DST
Week 9 53 73 44 100 21 31 24
Week 8 5 7 25 44 48 74 74
Week 7 43 50 62 28 79 18 13
Week 6 99 23 106 100 129 49 30
Week 5 55 86 40 80 48 22 82
Week 4 70 36 96 27 62 27 7
Week 3 68 40 60 70 121 33 37
Week 2 53 60 6 88 137 48 29
Week 1 12 6 50 47 30 78 78
2018 32 6 42 74 90 24 16

What are my rankings bona fidas? Well, there’s finishing in the FantasyPros Top-10 Draft Accuracy (7th Place) in 2017, Top-25 Weekly Accuracy (23rd Place) in 2017, Top-5 Draft Accuracy (3rd place) in 2016, Top-10 Weekly Accuracy (10th Place) in 2016, Top-25 Weekly Accuracy in 2015 (21st Place) and on average we’ve finished in the Top-10 Draft Accuracy (9th Overall) and the Top-20 Weekly Accuracy (18th Overall) for the past three years. I’d like to think we’re pretty good at this stuff…

What does the word bona fidas mean? According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, bo·na fi·des \ ˌbō-nə-ˈfī-ˌdēz , ÷ˈbō-nə-ˌfīdz \ means 1 : good faith : sincerity, 2 : the fact of being genuine —often plural in construction, 3 : evidence of one’s good faith or genuineness —often plural in construction, 4 : evidence of one’s qualifications or achievements —often plural in construction. On a separate note, I think it would make a great name for a cat.

What’s my ranking process? I’ve actually written about this in the past, and instead of working hard for new and enlightening content, I have chosen the more efficient (lazy, ahem) method and dropping in a link to that post here. Honestly, my process hasn’t changed much at all (the ole “don’t fix what ain’t broke” proverb comes to mind) and so my “A Day in the Life of a Fantasy Football Ranker” story still remains relevant to this day. (The TL;DR is: I’m ghetto as fudge. Well, I mean the other “f” word, but I’m hungry.)

How should I use your rankings? The same way your mother does. Which actually makes no sense. (Unless your mother is in the running to always finish top-3 in your Fantasy Football league. And if that’s the case, say hello to her for me.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?