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"When was that?"

Well, you should remember, as it was only last week where 97% of the all ACL's in the NFL collectively exploded. I'm no doctor, so I had no idea that modern medicine was able to take an athlete, who was expected to be out 5-8 weeks, to practicing a few days after his injury, and might actually be playing in today's game. I'm obviously talking about Jamaal Charles, but he's not the only one who was affected by this dark wizardry insta-heal. In fact, the only player that seems to have been left out from this wonderful era in medicine appears to be Ryan Mathews. F*ck me, right?
Greetings!!! Week two was hella crazy, ya'll; Adrian Peterson suspended for child endangerment, A.J. Green going down with a toe injury before making a single reception, and Jake Locker being beyond atrocious. Okay, well, maybe that last one wasn't so shocking... but every soul on earth other than the legendary, Jay(Wrong), had Locker going HAM and eggs on the what was supposed to be pathetic defense of the Dallas Cowboys. Thinking about the once salivating thought of Locker to Justin Hunter, now sickens me beyond a level I believed only possible in the depths of Hades. More on these two bricks, later. My first four picks in my highest money league were as follows: Peterson, Alshon Jeffery, Andre Ellington, and Rob Gronkowski. Needless to say, I'm 0-2 and almost b*tch slapped my chicken out of anger. But then, I thought of Michael Vick, Ray Rice, Da Kraken, and the aforementioned AP, and decided to instead, hug my chicken, Beatrice, for love is the answer ya'll. I'm Tehol Beddict, the only former-male thong model in history to be published in any form of sports writing, and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!

dysentery

To be honest, I'm not really sure what to do with myself right now. As I'm writing today's recap (which will be yesterday's recap when you read this), I find myself essentially writing my first ever obituary. It's certainly not a fun feeling writing about gruesome, year-threatening, maybe even career-threatening injuries, but seeing as this all came on a day where we saw the Cleveland Browns finally have an opportunity to understand what this "happiness" emotion is that they've heard so much about, but have never experienced, and that the Bills are officially on pace to go 16-0, we can try to find some sort of silver lining here. Or just realize that the world is about to come to an end. Also, LOL Jets.

As we open the season, all of our NFL teams have the same goal— to play in Super Bowl XLIX in Glendale, Arizona on February 1. Our fantasy teams have the same goal— to play in our respective league’s Super Bowl whatever week (usually 16) that it falls on. For some of you, getting there will be difficult if not impossible. Others will find the road to be easy, and cruise through the season. For me, I fall in the latter when it comes to getting to the Super Bowl. That’s mainly because I live about 40 minutes north of University of Phoenix Stadium. Getting to the Super Bowl is easy for me, even if traffic sucks. That’s what I’m here for. To help you navigate the journey from your starting point to your league’s Super Bowl. We’ll help you avoid the roadblocks of poor play, the detours of bye weeks, and the potholes of injuries. That said, let’s turn the key on the season and start giving some recommendations for players who can be picked up now to help you out in the long term.

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Yes, it happened. And even though these games don't mean anything, this epic showdown was hyped as "Harbowl 3", letting us know that the terrorists, in fact, have won. But if there's anything the NFL is good at, it's hype. And also having zero self-awareness. That also tops the list. So the hype-train arrived with much fanfare last night, which is why we got to watch Denver fans boo the sh*t out of the team that destroyed them in the Super Bowl. But for fantasy, is there anything to be gleaned here in the first set of preseason games? What is gleaning, is the question here. GLEAN ME, right? Oh yes, I shall glean you. So the answer? Probably not much. And if you watch Patriot preseason games, nothing. For example, I could say that Jay Gruden's usage of Roy Helu against the Patriots was notable, especially for PPR formats (something I actually believe). But is that usage a function of the games not counting? And what do we make of long-sustaining drives, like the first drive the Ravens had? Does it tell us their offensive line looks better and they have a more cohesive unit overall, or is it just rust and the first time these players are live-tackling? There are just way too many unknowns here, and so really the only thing that you should monitor are injuries and Brandon Weeden sightings. Just kidding on that last one. You should actually monitor your alcohol intake. Or maybe that's just me.
2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (Half-PPR) |  Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB | RB (PPR)| WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST | IDP Rankings: Top-100 | DL | DB | LB One could argue that no other position is affected most by PPR than the running back position. My response would be, why are we arguing bro? I agree with you! While wide receiver and tight end rankings are obviously affected by receptions, running backs are still the cream of the crop when it comes to the fantasy draft. And the PPR curveball (baseball metaphor in a football post? Dangerous and exciting...) certainly sends massive tidal waves that would surely kill some dinosaurs. But only if said tidal wave was caused by an asteroid hitting Earth. And if the tidal wave was actually a tsunami. And if it was 230 million years ago. But that's besides the point, but not really, because President Reagan cut taxes like a velociraptor, so we know they existed recently. Science bro. But yeah. What were we talking about again?
2014 Rankings: Top-200 | Top-200 (Half-PPR) |  Top-200 (PPR) | QB | RB | RB (PPR)| WR | WR (PPR) | TE | TE (PPR) | K | DST | IDP Rankings: Top-100 | DL | DB | LB So we've finally arrived at what many consider the Cadillac of rankings-- the running back position. Though, I don't really get the car association, seeing as how there are several other makes I'd rather own. I'd even consider some Kia's, but that might be my half-Koreaness (is that a thing?) coming into play. Which might make it raycess. Who knows. What I do know is that Kia stands for Keeping It Awesome, and that's all that matters. So here we are, ranking the running backs, and the first thing that I think of is a little boy's village being attacked by a vicious tiger named Chaka Khan Shere Khan. During the attack, he gets lost in a jungle and ends up meeting a wise bear and black panther, who both talk. Which sounds like a good acid trip. Or the plot to The Jungle Book. Why this is the first thing that came to mind is the more interesting subject, but I have no idea how to tackle it. So this whole thing will have to stand on its own. Yeah, I have no clue either. Rankings forward!
All season long, I’ve been talking about matchups with an opposing team, but what about an opposing weather condition? Fantasy owners who started Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, or Reggie Bush were likely all salivating at the Lions’ matchup with the Eagles, but Bush was a very late scratch after slipping on the field while both Stafford and Johnson failed to get anything going all afternoon. Even kickers, who are usually fairly immune to any real matchup concerns, should almost always be benched when there’s snow coming down. Sometimes you even need to get more specific. A downhill runner who plows straight through defenses is going to have a lot more success in rough weather than an elusive runner who relies on fancy footwork to shake tackles. LeSean McCoy may very well be the exception to that rule, but he also adjusted his running style for the weather; something Reggie Bush is less capable of and part of the reason the Lions didn’t bother risking him playing in an important game. I can’t predict the weather and if you ask anyone in Philadelphia, neither can the people whose job it is to do so, but this late into the fantasy season, it is absolutely critical that you check the field conditions prior to kickoff. That being said, there are still football matchups to talk about.
Welcome to Bet the Farm, Razzball’s weekly NFL wagering contest. We’re back for our second season and ready to take you on over the course of 17 weeks of NFL play. For those new to the game, here are the rules:
  • You start with $1,000 in contest money to make wagers with. You may join in any week.
  • You can wager on the spread or Over/Under for any NFL game, so long as your pick is made by kickoff of that game. The Yahoo Sports Odds page is a good place to get betting lines: you may use the best line you find available when you make your post, but revisions to wagers are not allowed.
  • Your wager must be in an increment of $10.
  • You must beat the House: Therefore, you only receive 90% of your wager for a win ($9 on a $10 bet), but lose 100% of your wager on a loss.
  • Your wager may be any amount between $10 and your full bankroll.
  • New this year: If you lose your entire bankroll, you are allowed a re-buy for another $1,000. Unlimited re-buys are available.
  • New this year: Bet the Farm staff will keep track of the full leaderboard for all participants. However, any player who has taken a re-buy will be listed below all players who have not taken a re-buy – even those with lower current balances. It’s always better to not lose all your money. Players with two re-buys will be listed below those with one re-buy, and so on.
Standings After Week 13:
Tis the season, right? Unless you're not of the xmas-religion affinity. I wish I had something for you but I have zero knowledge of Decker-related things I could say about Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and all the other holiday things I could talk about here. Happy Winter Solstice? What about Festivus for the rest of us? Don't leave, I swear I'll be more inclusive! The holidays are much like ordering a large pizza for a room full of college students: all drunk and stoned and should be doing their homework. Wait, no! Well yes but more so you can't please everyone. No way no how. They don't usually let you order pizza with different toppings on every piece. There's also something else that doesn't always make people happy: the Denver passing attack. It was a concern coming into the year that there would be a few guys left out in the cold most of the year, if not the whole year. Well much like life, those Broncos have ebbed and flowed. Early on, it was Welker. Then DT got it turned on for a stretch. The Orange Julius had been oddly one of the more consistent of the slick quatro (yeah, it's not their nickname; just made it up) but he's been out with a leg issue the last two weeks. So in the stead of an underused Welker and a missing OJ, someone had to step up and on this day it was Eric Decker who finished with 8 receptions, 174 receiving yards and a whopping 4 TDs. He only had 3 total coming into Sunday on the year. The end line for Decker is gonna look fine on the surface. He'll go well over 1,000 yards receiving and may still end with 10 TDs. But I give the fair warning that I'll probably say the same thing about Welker when the season's over and I think we both know how that has been of late. Moving into 2013, these two are gonna go much higher than I'm gonna be willing to pay for in most leagues due to inconsistency. Sure it's nice when this happens but how many of you experienced this Decker explosion on your bench? Exactly, there was a good reason he was there to start the day. Don't forget that when 2014 hits. In other news from week 13 of the 2013 Fantasy Football season...
Truth be told, this lede was supposed to go to Megatron. I mean, c'mon, how could it NOT go to him, right? Well, special days happen that make you evaluate your lede and sometimes life when a guy that's 20% owned in yahoo leagues scores 4 touchdowns on 8/122 on 8 targets. I'm gonna admit to you that I am still looking at Marvin Jones like an alien right now. I mean, the kid only had 16/247/3 coming into week 8 so this outpouring of fantasy goodness had to be a surprise even to Bengals fans and those 20%'ers out there. But second year wide outs coming alive midseason has happened before...right? Eh, it's not as common I know. Marvin is probably more of a keeper pickup if he's anything at this point but if you're in a deeper league with enough bench depth to give him a shot/time, he's worth the gamble. Not a question of talent with Marvin, just a question of opportunity. Well, I think you have that now, Jones. Take advantage. In other news from week 8 for 2013 Fantasy Football...
Week 7 in the NFL was like the first five minutes of Saving Private Ryan - carnage. It was one rough week with big-name players left battered, broken, concussed and crying . Sing it, Bono: Sunday, bloody Sunday. The Bucs' Doug Martin is out for the year with a torn labrum. So much for that number one pick. The Colts' Reggie Wayne suffered a season-ending torn ACL. The Rams' Sam Bradford is gone for the year with the same injury. In the Fantasy Football world, ACL stands for: All Championships Lost. Jay Cutler broke his groin and no amount of Kristin Cavallari massaging is going to fix it; he's out 6 weeks. Philly's new favorite son Nick Foles appears done and is sitting in a dark room with his drool cup after suffering the dreaded "C" word the NFL hates to hear - concussion. Packers tight end Jermichael Finley went down with his second serious head injury this season and spent the night in the ICU thinking he was at Disney World. Arian Foster was lost to a hammy, Brian Cushing broke his leg, Lance Briggs is out with a fractured shoulder, Champ Bailey hurt his foot and Peyton Manning's forehead is still the color of a baboon's ass. Oh, its always like that. Good news for Peyton owners. With so many roster shattering injuries and six teams on byes this week, it's time to do some deep digging into the waiver wire medical bag. Get me a morphine drip and let's jam it or cram it.