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Welcome back, my lovelies! Here we are again, hooptie-ridin’ into Week 8. Yours truly managed to go a solid 4-2 this past week, which was not too bad considering most of my rosters now are waiver wire pickups and those few grounds crew guys I picked up back in Week 3 (Manuel is currently my all-time points leader). It also seems that the trip to the Voodoo Mambo, to rid me of the Black Widow curse, helped somewhat, as I managed to get through Week 7 without any of my players incurring concussions, blown knees, felonies, misdemeanors, or severed appendages. But, hey, it is Monday night at 8:00 PM as I am writing this, and I still have a couple guys playing tonight, so... anything is possible. Before I decide to feast upon more man souls this week, follow me and my spectacular breasts (they still don’t inhibit my ability to throw down some Fantasy Football knowledge) as we journey together into Hit it or Quit it: Week 8.


I thought trading away Percy Harvin was going to solve all your problems? Well, I guess trading away one of your best weapons doesn't exactly solve terrible play-calling, subpar offensive line play, and very un-special teams play. So, despite the faulty narrative that I'm sure will be thrown about, here we are, CONDITION CRIMSON RED, also the color of Tom Coughlin's face. As was alluded to early yesterday, imagining an outcome such as this was a fools errand, but it wouldn't have been the craziest thing to think that the Rams could pull off the upset. And while it took wild and boner inducing events (which is also my pet name for your mom) to take place, the impossible was suddenly possible, and the 2013 Super Bowl champions are now 3-3. Said events (we'll call them "Cialis") included a hilarious punt return where Tavon Austin lined up on the left side of the field for the return, and acted like he was about to catch the ball, which drew in the entire Seahawks special teams unit, cameraman in full tow, and then this happened...


Later in the game, with Seattle needing a big stop for another chance at the win, Tre Mason broke through for a first down on 3rd-and-1, icing the game right then and there, until he was stripped. The ball bounced forward, was covered by a Rams lineman, only to pop out again and be seemingly recovered by Seattle. Replays did show Richard Sherman on top of the ball for a moment, but "technically" there wasn't enough to overturn the officials call which had rewarded the possession to the Rams. That's two straight losses for Seattle, a team which is now sitting at .500 on the season. Look on the bright side Seahawks fans. After this third loss, the band wagon crowd should be displeased enough to go away. Not as effective as a meteor, but it'll have to do.

In what has become a seemingly weekly occurrence the most interesting handcuff in the land happens to be playing in the Thursday Night Game. I think this happens just to spite me. It's as if the Football Gods force injuries and ineffectiveness on starters the week before they play on the thirstiest of all days. This week's example of my curse is, of course, former (?) third stringer Brandon Bolden. The man who I had pegged to be taking over the Stevan Ridley "Big Back" role in New England. I figured if Bolden failed, then James White was probably next in line. But of course Bill Belichick did the most Belichickian thing ever and activated Jonas Gray from the practice squad, gave him a few carries, and leaned heavy on Shane Vereen. It looks like Bolden is more valuable to the Pats as a special teamer than a runner, and I have no idea what James White's issue is. I was shocked that he was inactive and you have to figure he's deep in Belichick's doghouse at this point. It's really surprising considering how good he looked in pre-season and camp. The only ownable back in this scenario is Vereen.
So it was an odd week to be a Seahawks fan and a rooter for the underdog turned belle of the ball Cowboys. My emotions were - much like the shirts of someone going 80's chic - torn but in reality, it was just a good game plan by the Cowboys and a really disjointed one for Pete Carroll and company. You said 'joint'. Good grief, Washingtonians, really? THAT's all you got outta that? Moving along, let's look a bit into the troubled world of the Seattle offense for a moment, shall we? Truthfully, it's funny to think of them as troubled. I'd like to say more 'directionless' than troubled. But good teams have bad games. Let them pass and move along and take advantage of the cheap offers they create in the DK world. Looking at Percy Harvin, it's hard to explain how he's not seeing the ball more. He's the most dynamic offensive player Seattle has but has been targeted 26 times in five games. That's a pace of 83 targets on the year. To put that in perspective, Emmanuel Sanders is on pace for 153 and he's not even the primary target in Denver. I think Seattle comes out embarrassed, hungry and angry against the Rams and I think Harvin will do a good amount of long as the refs don't call all the TDs back this time. #NeverForget. In all, at $4,100 he makes for a nice low priced option with huge upside that leaves you room to spend up elsewhere as needed. So with that, let's move on. Here's some more hot takes for the week 7 DK slate for 2014 Fantasy Football... New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 team league of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It lets us know that you care!
I'd like to begin this week's installment of the handcuff report by apologizing profusely for ignoring Andre Williams last week. I seriously considered mentioning Williams value as a keeper, but ROS considered him nothing more than a deep bench stash or handcuff for Rashad Jennings. I had him buried down in the Duct Tape tier, with the Stepfan Taylor's and Ka'Deem Carey's of the world. Zoinks! Imagine a world of Stepfan's and Ka'Deem's! Oh snap, there is such a place? It's my Duct Tape Handcuff tier! It exists in my mind, and it's a shiny silver world where everything can be fixed with a couple inches of the good stuff. Jeez I went off topic real quick, back to Andre Williams. I knew that Rashad Jennings was quickly approaching his highest usage numbers of his career, and I knew that Jennings had some injuries during his time in Jacksonville. I chose to ignore it. Just as I chose to dismiss Williams' 15 carry, 66 yard, TD breakout against Washington. I thought it was nothing more than some meaningless garbage time magic. After all, Jennings had been getting almost all the usage in the Giants offense. Before the Week 4 blowout, Williams had seen two games of 6 carries, and one game of 8 carries with four looks in the passing game. There was no reason to pay him much mind, and those touting him as a good stash were working off nothing more than a hunch that Rough Shod would break down.
I'm pinching myself right now, because I'm pretty sure we went an entire week without a running back of note getting injured, arrested, or abducted by Martians. BTW, always remember to capitalize Martians, because they are a specific type of being. Don't be rude, show our brothers and sisters in universal existence the respect they deserve. Anywho, here we are in week 5 and things are starting to make more sense. Well everything except this coon skin cap I'm wearing. That makes no sense. As Jay mentioned in his rest of season rankings on Wednesday, we have enough of a sample size to make educated decisions as to what players have gained or lost value compared to their preseason expectations. For example, after another inactive status last week, I can say with some confidence that Bernard Pierce is droppable. Unfortunately, due to the flux and general injury risk of running backs, it's tough to gauge who'll be useful for more than a week or two at a time. This is why handcuffing has become an increasingly effective strategy for savvy players out there looking to keep the points coming from their running back position. With this in mind, today's focus will be less on handcuffs with immediate value and more on handcuffs with great potential for rest of season and dynasty leagues.


We're in this together!

I know, I'm asking a lot of you. After capping off the day of football with the Sunday Night Game, it soon dawned upon me how scary it is that this division will, at some point in time, produce, at the very most, one playoff team. It's a scary thought, especially since it was manifested watching a Saints secondary that I should buy to use as a spaghetti strainer. Anything that allows the Cowboys to have consecutive competent drives is something this world isn't ready for. And it wasn't just this one game either. You had the Falcons collapse against a Vikings team that has lost it's best player in Adrian Peterson, is starting a rookie quarterback in Teddy Bridgewater, and still believes Christian Ponder deserves a roster spot in the NFL. Ugh. And then you have the Jacksonville Jaguars Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who, we don't need to spend too much time on. Because Bucs are gonna Buc, amiright? And last, but certainly not least, (because, in a stunning turn of events, they are currently occupying first place in this travesty of a division), the Carolina Panthers. Who, apparently, didn't take Steve Smith's death threats seriously and proceeded to get maimed in Baltimore. Which is actually pretty common, now that I think of it. And yes, just to state for the record, their secondary collected a game check this week. That is all.
A long time ago in a fantasy football league far, far away… I've been waiting for you Le'Veon Kenobi. Le'Veon... Now that's a name I've not heard in a long time. The force is strong with the Stats Machine. Influenced by Jedi Masters such as Delanie Skywalker and Yoda, its ability to harness the force is unparalleled. With the highest midichlorian count in the galaxy, the Stats Machine is destined to help you defeat the dark side and bring peace and victory to your league. So grab a Colt 45 with Landry Calrissian (yes the Stats Machine just gave a shout out to Jarvis Landry), fire up a hookah with Jabba the Luck, let out a Chewbacca-like growl with Queen Amendola and get ready to start swinging your light saber. And remember, it’s not the size (or color) of your light saber that matters, it’s how you use it.
I've come to a conclusion about my draft strategy for next year. I'm not drafting any starting running backs. Nope! Only handcuffs in the later rounds for me. I won't be fooled by you starting running backs and your supposed "talent". Oh no siree, I'm moving on! In all seriousness though, what the hell is going on? The starters that haven't been hurt, arrested, kidnapped, or shamed into retirement, haven 't been good. Anyone watch LeSean McCoy, Eddie Lacy, or Matt Forte lately? How is anyone winning in fantasy?