Welcome back my faithful Horde, to another season of my sexual innuendo-laced musings! Wow, what a Week 1 it has been, huh? My Black Widow curse didn’t seem to waste any time this season and came out PMS’d ovaries a’blazin’! Yours truly made it out of Week 1 unscathed, but I can’t say the same for the rest of you poor bastards. I’m sorry; you know it comes with the territory and with loving me. It could be worse…she could have a more vengeful sister, so be grateful that her PMS only happens for 16 weeks. Okay, sometimes it takes a week off, but only when she has feasted and is satiated. So, how did your respective drafts go? Did you get all your needs met? Me? Not too shabby, although in two leagues I was stuck at the 12 pick again. I am starting to think that the choosing system is a bit misogynistic, but I can hang. I am afraid that this week’s article is going to be a little predictable, since most of the quits are the ones who went down (and not in a good way) but hopefully I can satisfy all of your desires with this week’s hits. So, without further ado, why don’t you sit back, put your feet up, and prepare to be transported into my world. Ladies and gentlemen, inmates and ex-cons, let’s begin another year of Hit it or quit it.
David Johnson, RB, Arizona – OK, I am not going to sit here and tell you to get rid of David Johnson, at least not until we know if its 3-4 weeks or 3-4 months that he will be out. All I am saying is that with a dislocated wrist, chances are you aren’t doing much of anything (wink, wink) let alone making it back to playing anytime soon. We also need to remember that this is the same injury which T.J. Logan suffered and he’s currently on IR. We will know in the next day or so what is up with Johnson for sure, but in the meantime, owners need to prepare for the worst, you know, just in case his d**k beater won’t be ready to go again for months. In the meantime, look for Arizona to utilize a lot of their receivers to pick up Johnson’s targets, but for now, I hate to say it, but this Johnson won’t be beating anything. You don’t have to quit him just yet, but be prepared that it may be coming down the chute. Be ready to quit it.
Tarik Cohen, RB, Chicago – Ah, Chicago. That town holds a special place in my heart. Some pretty good memories there, unfortunately none of which have anything to do with the Bears. That being said, if your Johnson broke in Week 1 and you are in need of a new piece, Cohen is the way to go. In Week 1, Cohen blew up for 131 total yards and a touchdown. He rushed five times for 66 yards and caught 8-of-12 targets for 47 yards. Probably going to be the highest sought after piece on the waiver wire this coming week, Cohen has shown that he has garnered himself a timeshare with Howard and with Benny Cunningham out, there is no competition there for passing game targets. As if all of that hasn’t made your pants a little tighter, check out the highlight reel Cohen put up with his Week 1 performance. Go ahead, I’ll wait…See? Pretty sexy stuff, huh? The 21.30 fantasy points he posted isn’t too turn-offish either. At just 14% owned in most leagues, hopefully you have a favorable waiver wire position. I really don’t know what you are still doing here. Get off your ass and go over and hit it.
Kevin White, WR, Chicago – Wow, I must really be reminiscing on the time I spent in Chicago because I think in the 3 years I have been writing for Razzball I haven’t included two Bears in one article. In all fairness, it was a pretty sweet weekend I spent…but I digress. Ok, so if you have been paying attention up until now, you know that I just fluffed and primed Tarik Cohen for you. If you have more than one brain cell, you listened. If not, that’s your problem and probably why you keep ending up making decisions which continually end with you having to get a prescription for Penicillin from the Free Clinic. Ok, so, here is what we know, Kevin White broke his shoulder blade and aside from a trip to the hospital, he’s also earned himself a trip to Injured Reserve. If he is out all season (which is more than likely since it looks like he is going to need surgery) this will be the third time in three seasons he hasn’t finished a season. What I can’t understand is why he’s still owned at 43% in most leagues? Look, I get that some people are so out of touch that they don’t pay attention to these kinds of articles, or their rosters at all, but still, come on, man. That’s just disgraceful. He should’ve been dropped quicker than a virgin’s panties on prom night. Hey, but who am I to tell you what to do? Oh, wait, I am somebody and that is essentially what I do week after week with these articles. With plenty of other bodies to step in and take over for White like Cohen, Kendall Wright, Markus Wheaton, and Deonte Thompson, there is enough for all you homers out there who want to stay true to your Chicago Bears. So, I think it goes without saying…Quit it.
Cooper Kupp, WR, Los Angeles – With some concern about his manly bits (he injured his groin late in the preseason) going into Week 1, it was expected that Kupp would more than likely fall in behind Robert Woods on the depth chart. That being said, Kupp came out on Sunday with a game-high 76 yards in the Rams Week 1 win against Indianapolis. Kupp also managed an 18-yard touchdown in the second quarter and quite the limber 28-yard snag in the fourth quarter. Ok, sure, he did have a drop in the third, but aside from that this NFL virgin performed better than I think most of us did on our first times. Owned at just 27% in most leagues, you are going to get more bang for your buck in PPR leagues with this hottie. You know you need what he wants to give you and you know you want it. Go on you dirty little monkey…Hit it.
Allen Robinson, WR, Jacksonville – Well, it was bound to happen. There is nothing my Black Widow curse likes to feast on more than ACL’s and Robinson just became another notch on that bedpost. Robinson was placed on IR Monday and it looks like the Jaguars will be moving on with Allen Hurns, Marquis Lee, Keelan Cole, and Arrelious Benn as their receiving crew. That being said, Leonard Fournette continues to be the HBIC in Jax-town, at least until my curse finds out he has two healthy ACLs. Robinson is still 90% owned in most leagues, but it is safe at this point to say, “sorry Robbie, it not me, it’s you.” Speedy recovery but I gotta Quit it.
Javorius Allen, RB, Baltimore – Ooooooh, Terrance West looks like he is possibly not seen as sexy as he once was in Baltimore because Allen played 33-of-66 snaps while West only saw 27. Allen also got to wrap his hands around the ball on two more carries than West. Whatever you want to call it, the loss of Danny Woodhead is going to open a pretty big role for Javorius Allen. Ok, I know what you are saying, “Jen, you mentioned Danny Woodhead and didn’t add any kind of sexual innuendo? What’s wrong?” Nothing…I just don’t feel the need to talk about sex all the time like you perverts do. But back to Allen…he is owned in just 2% of leagues, so if you don’t have any other luck with your backs on the wire this week, you more than likely will have a shot with Allen. I am sorry you don’t have your Woodhead anymore, but Allen may just be the Viagra you need. Do it. Hit it.
Well, that is it my lovelies. All of the knowledge I feel you deserve for Week 2. As always, remember to follow me on Twitter @Soxfan012. Love me, hate me, I’m the one with the article. Best of luck in Week 2 and sacrifices to the curse are always welcome. Bribes too. Until next week my lovelies!