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This week sets up to be one of the most complex and challenging one on the waiver wire of the entire season. There are a few reasons for this. First, this week has six teams (Atlanta, Buffalo, Chicago, Green Bay, Detroit and Tennessee) on bye. It’s the most since we had six sit out Week 4. Second, the trade deadline is at 4PM Eastern this afternoon. Rumors are flying around, and you’ll want to wait until the dust settles before making any kind of move to your fantasy roster. My gut feeling says this will be a trade deadline with a couple of big moves that will make ripples across the fantasy landscape. Third, you have to decide if you want to be in on the first wave of claims or wait and see who gets dropped and make a move on reverse waivers. Decisions, decisions...

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Welcome back, my lovelies! Once again, we find ourselves all cozied up together, commiserating on our busted a*s rosters, re-evaluating every life decision we ever made, wondering when we are going to get to receive, rather than continually bend over and take it raw week after endless week. Even the stalker in my bushes outside of my house is giving me a look of shame as he peers at me through my bathroom window when I shower. This has to be, by far, one of the wackiest Fantasy Football seasons I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of, and I have done some questionably wacky things in my day (hey, it was college and I needed the money). Anyhoo, I digress… well, let’s get down and dirty with what I know you are all waiting for, Hit it or Quit it, Week 9.

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After this week in the NFL, I feel like I might need to shed my old-school thinking that a quarterback is not worthy of a first-round draft pick in my fantasy football league. I always refuse to spend my first two picks on anything besides a running back or wide receiver (yes, I have never drafted Peyton.), but I always feel like I get a decent QB (usually Cam Newton and, you know, Cam Newton...) This week, I might adjust my mindset, especially after Newton’s week. Next year, you will see me spending my first round pick for Andrew Luck over LeSean McCoy every single time.

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While the game as a whole was a close scoring affair that went into overtime, looking at it from the micro view, the first half was entirely forgettable. In fact, I had a hard time not throwing an unsportsmanlike penalty flag having been forced to watch those two quarters. To put it succinctly, the Cowboys did practically everything wrong and were still only down by three. The game suddenly became entertaining in the second half, until Romo went down from a sack and headed back to the locker room until late in the fourth quarter. They said he passed through the stadium bar, so I'm assuming some shots were in order. For a while, it was Brandon Weeden facing off against Colt McCoy, and I had to Google to make sure I wasn't watching a preseason game. Suffice it to say, McCoy found a way to win in overtime, because heart, or something, and while Romo returned to a standing ovation, begging for a Romonobyl so powerful, Godzilla would awaken, we were treated to a spinning incomplete pass to end the game on downs. Not exactly the aphrodisiac I was expecting. But with a surprising win, Washington finds itself 3-5 with a chance at 8-8, and if Romo's back takes a turn for the worst, we now know how Dallas will finish 8-8, unfortunately leaving the suspense out how they were going to do it.

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This is the most random assortment of anything that I have ever seen...

While I would normally expect this game to be somewhat close because of the prime time slot and storied rivalry, I just remembered that Jim Haslett is still employed. So expecting this game to stay competitive, for at least one quarter, may be asking too much. Especially since Tony Romo and DeMarco Murray have lit Jerry's world (aka his loins) on fire with staggering competency and production. Words that usually aren't used to describe those two. Romo has 14 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions with 1,789 yards, and December is still far off. Murray became the first running back in history to start a season with seven straight 100-yard games. Washington doesn't really even have a functional quarterback strategy at this point and are sliding in the NFC East with a 2-5 record. If this is an intentional strategy to get out of the spotlight from having a team name that's a slur, well then, job well done.

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In what was an embarrassing display of defense, especially for the Bears, or even the Buccaneers, the Patriots took advantage of the brand new and radical "Cover No one" formation, laying down a 51-spot on the scoreboard. Gronk smash is correct. Much had been publicized on Brandon Marshall's "motivational speaking" tour after a Miami loss last week, "motivating" everyone from Jay Cutler to Robbie Gould. 'We've got Alshon Jeffery, Martellus Bennett, Matt Forte. We've got a stud offensive line. We've got a great, great group of guys. And this is unacceptable. What did we put up, 14 points? Was it 14 points? That's unacceptable.'' You see something missing there? People, who, perhaps are in charge of preventing another team from outscoring yours? Pray tell... So, we'll probably get another week of Marc Trestman blaming (somewhat warranted), Brandon Marshall yelling (probably shouldn't call it motivating anymore) and Jay Cutler outrage (because he gave up 51 points all by his lonesome). Unless, of course, the media will focus more on fact that the Patriots are now 6-2, in first place, and look every bit as dangerous as they used to. Sigh, that's exactly what's going to happen, isn't it? Oh God damn it Bears, did you really have to let that happen?

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Who dat? More like what the f*ck is dat.

The Packers have seemingly been able to survive a slow start, winning four straight after starting 1-2. However, I feel like someone should tell them that they left Eddie Lacy behind. Or they just confused Jordy Nelson with him. Which would make sense, seeing as how all the yardage goes through him at this point. But if it's any consolation for Lacy being left to his own machinations, it appears that the Saints are around the same area. So here Lacy, it's an entire team to keep you company. Bressus has yet to rise, and yes, that's the only religious metaphor I'll throw out, because let's be honest here, Drew Brees doesn't deserve it at this moment. More like Breedus, amiright folks? (Okay, two. That's it, I swear.) And with a limited Jimmy Graham, it appears that the Saints offense will depend on such play-makers as Marquee Colston and, um, err,... Travaris Cadet? Oh god, this is going to be bad, isn't it...

Cardinals Fever Football

Hey guys, you can call off the search party now. I found Kid Rock. All is well.

Despite having a spectacularly unreliable offense at times, the Chip Kelly innovated™ Philadelphia Eagles find themselves 5-1, vying for the NFC East lead with the surprisingly competent Cowboys. And while we are still a good month and some days away from December, this looks like a finish that should provide plenty of entertainment, with a healthy side of NFC East derp, the purist derp out there, some would say. The Cardinals, who have had their own issues on offense, also bring a 5-1 record, trying to prove that Arizona is the new Seattle. All you need is not to be landlocked, and have some sort of progressive movement, and, you know, have a good football team. Well, you got one of the three so far... let's see what happens next.

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In an epic battle between crab cakes (YAY) and skyline chili (BOO), the Ravens will bring their AFC North leading record of 5-2 to Cincinnati, a city that I've heard has paved roads, unlike Cleveland. Interestingly enough, the teams have met already this season, but it's okay if you forgot, as these teams seem completely different from their previous match-up when the Bengals won 23-16. Said Bengals went on to win their next two, and with a 3-0 start, looked like one of the best teams in the NFL. But I guess getting tired of looking competent, the Bengals went to their safety zone, aka, they went Bungles the next three games by losing two, and tying in one. Though, I'm pretty sure a tie is a loss, seeing as it's described as kissing your sister. Sorry, I'm not from Alabama, that's a complete loss for me. Speaking of a loss, I have no words to describe the eliteness being shown by Joe Flacco. It's almost as if his eliteness went on a cocaine binge and then he decided to make things interesting by adding mescaline as a side garnish. Of course, having a resurgent Steve Smith on a successful 2014 baby-punching tour certainly helps as well. Will the Bungles Bungle? I can't wait to find out. Because Ginger. Week 8 Rankings have been updated for today’s games, for all your roster needs. You can check them out here.
I've made some changes to the Stats Machine (TSM) this week in hopes to present more accurate data. While this is a weekly post that highlights the previous week's top performances, TSM also provides a year-to-date report to help you identify valuable players. Until now, this has been based on the players' total score for the season. The problem with that is that it punishes players that have already had a bye, as they will have had one less game than players that have not. Until all teams have had their bye week, this list will be powered by each players' average score per game. Got it? Good.
Don't worry, I'm not going to recommend that you listen to the Run DMC cover of the classic Aerosmith song in your Adidas jump suit this weekend [Jay's Note: Awww, I'm already dressed up for it!], but I'm going to recommend that you start Raiders' running back, Darren McFadden. It's disgusting to read, I get it.  How many times have we bought into McFadden only to be let down in the past?  If you can tally up the times, please let me know.  However, the matchup this week against the Browns is too good to pass up.  Since Tony Sparano has taken over as head coach of the Raiders, he's made it a point to run the ball with McFadden.  McFadden has a total of 34 touches (six catches) for 141 yards and one touchdown in his two games under Sparano. Meanwhile, Maurice Jones-Drew has just seven carries in those contests, so there's no feeling that he'll vulture McFadden.  The Browns, for whatever reason, are horrible against the run.  On the year, they've given up seven touchdowns to running backs, and they are coming off a game in which they were gashed by Denard Robinson.  Yes, they made a Jaguars running back actually look good. You can't trust McFadden to stay healthy for the entire season, but his matchup against the Browns is as good as it gets, and he's our start of the week for Week 8.
C.J. Spiller can't catch a break man. Is there anyone else in the NFL as unlucky as Spiller? He's like the Charlie Brown of professional football. When everyone else is getting chocolate bars and quarters on Halloween, C.J. is getting rocks. (Sad Trombone.) I'd like to tell you that I feel your pain, but I don't. I avoided Spiller in drafts the way vegans avoid bacon. Which is the primary reason I don't trust vegans, but anywho! Spiller is more than likely done for the foreseeable future and maybe the season. He was IR'ed with a designation to return, but his chances of returning from a separated shoulder are pretty slim. Just to make things that much more complicated, Fred Jackson decided to get hurt too, it's a twofer! So now desperate fantasy owners are once again hitting the wavier wire to chase a third stringer promoted to the starting role. Enter Bryce Brown and Anthony Dixon.