Well, minus the pants, that was probably the most regular looking color rush game (thank the lord!) of the year so far. But yeah, the Bears (DUUUUUH BEARS, if we’re doing the “iconic” pronunciation) has now officially become the NFL’s very own simulation on the cycles of depression. True, with this game being of the usual Thursday Night Football variety (Jaguars versus Titans next week? Were we Nazis in our previous life? Is that why we get that?), we had a really close game at the half… you know, a 3-6 “close game”, buuuuut there were legitimate reasons for that beyond it being just Thursday. I mean, the Bears were down to their third string quarterback behind a patchwork offensive line, their defensive secondary was in tatters, and on the other side, the Packers had Mike McCarthy (who is pretty much Marty Schottenheimer with a ring.) And while it would have been entertaining if the Bears accidentally derped their way into beating their NFC North rivals for the first time this millennium, alas, it was not to be, as vintage Aaron Rodgers decided to finally show up this season, albeit for two quarters. But I guess Chicago wouldn’t have noticed anyways because: Cubs. Connor Barth kicking. Matt Barkley quarterbacking. Ka’Deem Carey at runing back. Kyle Long not playing (this all must have been Cutler’s doing). Signs of the Apocalypse some would say… or what Chicago calls “normal”.
Davante Adams – 13 REC, 132 YDS, 10.2 AVG, 2 TD, 24 LONG, 16 TGTS. Of course Adams got two touchdowns. He only was only listed as doubtful from a concussion three days ago… What’s that thing in my chest? What is this feeling? Hrnnao#$wghioaewgh%#@%olawh…
Matt Barkley – 6/15, 81 YDS, 5.4 AVG, 2 INT, 18.3 RTG and 1 CAR, -1 YDS, -1.0 AVG, -1 LONG. Brian Hoyer suffered a broken arm, so here we are… Hey, what if Barkley is awesome? Seriously. C’mon, stop laughing. Negative points are better than no points!
Jordan Howard – 7 CAR, 22 YDS, 3.1 AVG, 11 LONG. So… did Jordan Howard lose his job to Ka’Deem Carey (10 CAR, 48 YDS, 4.8 AVG, 24 LONG and 1 REC, 9 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 9 LONG, 1 TGTS) between quarters? Pretty sure we need a Grudenism to mark this occasion… THESE CHICAGO BEARS, I CALL THEM JENNA JAMESON, BECAUSE THEY’RE GOING DOWN SUPER FAST, THEY’RE F*CKED, AND NO AMOUNT OF SURGERY IS GOING TO FIX WHAT’S HAPPENED TO THEM.
Alshon Jeffery – 3 REC, 33 YDS, 11.0 AVG, 11 LONG, 11 TGTS. Somewhere in the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels, Kyle Orton is warming up for his triumphant return.
Cameron Meredith – 1 REC, 12 YDS, 12.0 AVG, 12 LONG, 2 TGTS. Don’t worry, the Bears will probably sign Jeff George tomorrow. Or maybe they’ll trade for Sanchez so they have two sh*tty USC quarterback on the roster, the possibilities are endless!
Ty Montgomery – 10 REC, 66 YDS, 6.6 AVG, 13 LONG, 13 TGTS and 9 CAR, 60 YDS, 6.7 AVG, 30 LONG. Montgomery and Rodgers are starting to build chemistry. Olivia Munn better not arrive home unexpected one day.
Jordy Nelson – 1 REC, 9 YDS, 9.0 AVG, 9 LONG, 4 TGTS. Sweet mother of mercy Mike McCarthy.