Where my RazzBowlers at? No, not you fine-looking gentlemen in the front in your bowler hats — y’all simmer down with your fancy headwear. I’m talking about the roughest, toughest imaginary sports managers out there: my RazzBowl peeps. I’m gonna need your powers of manifestation to propel me two spots ahead into the final cutline. Come on, will Tyler Conklin to fantasy glory! OK, OK, my team looks like The Walking Dead, but at least I’m a survivor. Part of my “still in it to win it” status derives from the fact that I get to write this sweet “injury report” every week. As long as y’all are still showing up, I’ll show up and help out. If we run out of steam and I enter my full winter hibernation, then feel free to swing back to this article as the weeks pass and ask questions. Unlike your thankless dog that will wag its tail for any ol’ Joe that drops a handful of steak, I’m still here for you!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Everybody having leftovers of that Thanksgiving turphucken? You know, that duck stuffed inside a chicken stuffed inside a pheasant stuffed inside a turkey? Is it even possible to cook something like that without introducing massive listeria problems? How about I just write the inevitable outcome of Thanksgiving football: Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson are gonna run real hard next week because they’ve got food poisoning and need to get off the field. But for the rest of us who ate our feasts the way Yahweh intended — in the form of a takeout burrito bowl and gas station beer — we’re ready to keep chugging and plugging in players on our rosters.
Oh, speaking of plugging and chugging [dramatic pause for effect], Coolwhip and I are vying to make the cutline in the RazzBowl. I had this really DFS-brain idea that I would start Damien Harris to make myself different from the field. And I’m sure gonna look different after those 16-yards Harris ripped off before leaving the game on crutches and being so hurt that he couldn’t wear his pants. Me too after Thanksgiving, Damien, me too. Let me know if you’re rooting for me or Coolwhip down in the comments.
And a quick “change of programming” note — I’ll be doing the weekly injury report as my only article each week to finish out the season. “The season” is also somewhat flexible — sometime in the next month, let’s say. You’re always free to revisit my articles and ask questions in the comments. Between my various Razzball duties, I’ve skipped only 3 deadlines across 3 sports in the past 3 years (333…I’m half-bestial!), and I need some time to take a break. Please support any of the writers who step in during my winter hibernation and feed them apples and fish heads to show your support.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m a big fan of the Motor City Kitties. Their 40+ year continuous tank job has set the stage for many a successful Vikings team. Throughout early 2022, the Lions have given fantasy managers so many gifts, and so many headaches. On Sunday, the Detroit Lions blew past the the 7-2 New York Giants, improving to 4-6 on the year and hunting down second place in the NFC North. How’d they do it? The way we all expected: 3 touchdowns from Jamaal Williams and Justin Jackson finishing as the leading rusher. Sigh. At least we’ve got Amon-Ra St. Brown cosplaying as Scrooge with his targets. Tis the season!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Twitter was about to shut down the other night when the world realized that Adam Schefter is not just a media reporter, but a utility for the public. He carries the burden of football newsmaking the same way a lineman — no, not the kind you see in football — wakes up at 2 in the morning during a thunderstorm to raise his bucket to the sky and keep the lights on. Schefter’s tweets keep the social media world afloat, and we thank him for keeping Twitter safe for another night.
Let’s see what Schefter had for us today [loads Twitter, gets distracted by picture of Grey wearing aviators]. Here we go! Ja’Marr Chase is still out. The frack? I thought I was here for the public good? Who am I supposed to start now?
Maybe you’re like me and riding the Tyler Boyd train this week. Maybe you’re not like me and have some healthy running backs. Either way, let’s see if we can save your team as the playoffs approach.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’ve been a Vikings fan for a near-intolerable three decades of my life. I’m pretty critical of Kirk Cousins, which is justified and a taek that everybody likes to hear week in and week out, right? The 2022 NFL season gave us several of the worst games in recent and distant memory, but Bills/Vikings games lit up the internet with one of the most dramatic final 2 minutes of regulation followed by a dramatic end zone interception to finish the game in the Vikings’ favor. If only every quarter could be the fourth quarter.
Maybe one day your team will be as cardiac-stopping as mine. Let’s see what else happened for week 10 of 2022 fantasy football.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I mean I’m no Grey’s Anatomy expert. Wait, actually I am! Remember that time Meredith Grey un-died for the sixth time after being saved by her third surprise half-sister? I suppose after watching 15 seasons of a medical drama, I’m probably an expert on health issues, such as the [checks notes] ulnar collateral ligament. Gross! Why did I ever agree to do the injury report if I can’t even spell out body parts? OK, EWB, time to soldier through, just like Meredith’s biological sister when she…oh! I almost spoiled McSteamy for you! So, instead of waxing poetic about my favorite soap opera / medical drama, let’s jump in to the stuff you’re actually here for: discussions of frayed elbow ligaments.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’ve already spilled digital ink about what it’s like to overstay your glory years. Those of you who follow me on the baseball side know that I’m all for Justin Verlander retiring. Almost nobody his age succeeds as a pitcher, and every stat-based mind out there could see that Verlander’s 2022 year was less-impressive under-the-hood than it was on the surface. So, how much sense does it make that he should take the championship ring, retire on top his career, and let fans never question “What could have been?” Because we’re seeing that happen with Aaron Rodgers every week. The Packers have dropped 5 straight and have a bit of a Murderer’s Row to face to finish out the season. After putting up 9 points and losing star running back Aaron Jones to an ankle injury, the storied Packers franchise look one step closer to a complete rebuild. Despite Halloween being in the past, the tricks keep rolling in for our fantasy teams.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As our esteemed experts in Final Fantasy have pointed out, the Nightmare is a demonic colt that will flatten you with cloven hooves, a fiery mane, and gnashing teeth scarred from Halloween candy. A nightmare is also trying to figure out what to do with your fantasy football team now that Jonathan Taylor is out — AGAIN. Aw, Hufflepuff. The fantasy football season is halfway done, and you can barely call your usage of your top RB “fun-sized.”
Let’ s jump into the fray and see if there’s anything we can do to solve your injury and roster woes for the upcoming week!Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Broadway and in your community center production of Hamilton, a “triple threat” is somebody who can sing, dance, and act. Oh, you thought I was threatening you because it’s Halloween? No, no, no! I have something much scarier than a bedsheet ghost costume to present to you: it’s a player who can run, pass, and catch! On Sunday, our favorite comeback kid Christian McCaffrey scored touchdowns by rushing, receiving, and passing. Of course in an offense with Jimmy Garoppolo, it would take a brand new running back to actually throw a passing TD, amirite? With the days of Kordell Stewart and Antwan Randle-El long gone, could we have the next — dare I say Joe Webb? — could we have the next great gadget player in Christian McCaffrey?Please, blog, may I have some more?
This week, the esteemed ex-girlfriend of the guy who convinced us that “Neon” is the hardest song to play on guitar released an album. People say it’s good. I wouldn’t know, what with my ears ruined by Norwegian black metal. But are you here to learn about a drone on a drop-tuned C string or are you here to learn about D’Andre Swift? Probably the latter. ENYWHEY. Just like Taylor Swift released an album this week, our good friend and fantasy football savior D’Andre Swift has been released from the injured list. Just in time for our 1-6 team to be saved! Hooray!
Now, let’s join and commiserate about how we lost Ja’Marr Chase.Please, blog, may I have some more?
So, uh, how about them Bucs? One of the great discussions of sports fandom is: “When do you walk away from the game.” Eli Manning walked away in 2019 at the age of 38; his big brother Peyton left the NFL in 2015 at the age of 39. Big Ben? 39. Drew Brees? 41. You can see a trend here. At a certain point, there’s a point where “the magic” isn’t there anymore.
This week, we watched 45-year-old Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lose to the Carolina Panthers, a team that has fired its head coach and is in the process of trading away every player of any seeming value for draft picks. At the same time, we watched 39-year-old Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers let the Washington Commanders go on a 23-0 run and hold the lead. Taylor Heinicke beat Aaron Rodgers, and Tom Brady has been beaten by Mitch Trubisky and PJ Walker in consecutive weeks.
I’m not here to bury Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers — there are greater sportswriters who will write that eulogy. But part of the job for statistical crunchers is to, at the very least, to serve as a sort of analytical mortician. We tell you when a player is statistically “coming back to life” or “ready for the grave.” It’s never easy to say that the greats — and perhaps the greatest in Tom Brady — are done, especially for your fantasy team. But I’ve checked the stats, made a list, and contacted the ancestors via my ouija board. None of the news is good.
Here I am not to eulogize your childhood idols, but to write about D’Onta Foreman, Idolslayer.Please, blog, may I have some more?
What do you call it when a bunch of teams are on BYE, Christian McCaffrey is traded, and J.K. Dobbins is gonna miss half the year? I dunno. You’re gonna have to speak louder because the sounds of my sobbing are drowning you out.
Much like our esteemed Thursday Night Football writer Hobbs once wrote, “Fantasy football is nasty, brutish, and short.” Civilization is breaking down at the seams and we’re all in our natural state, foraging for running backs wherever we can find them.
Let’s jump in and see if we can avoid any pitfalls this week. Also, because I’m super nice, I’m going to toss in some quick take analysis on the more significant roster moves.Please, blog, may I have some more?