With 5 weeks of fantasy football behind us and the blinding future of camaraderie and fellowship in front of us, I bring you the very best news that week 6 can offer. After shining my crystal ball using the remainder of Jon Gruden’s contract papers, I finally felt confident enough to walk up to Donkey Teeth and demand that I be rewarded with one of his NFT’s of Mr. Peanut. Much to my dismay, DT told me that I had no business consorting with the elite and powerful Anthropomorphic Character Union, of which Donkey Teeth was Undersecretary of Funny Business. Now that I’ve been rejected from yet another social clique — albeit one that came with an awful lot of animal dander and weekly shellings — I return to you with nothing but my hawt fantasy football takes for your perusal. Hopefully we keep our teams afloat this week! 

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Early in the pre-season, I supposed that running back Le’Veon Bell should probably land with a team and eventually get enough touches to be vaguely useful to a fantasy team. Last year, Bell landed on the Chiefs under the architect named Andy Reid, who despises having a single running back carry the load of the team. This year, Bell waited until the end of the pre-season to sign with a team, waiting for the inevitable injuries to strike before mesmerizing a team with his abs and confusing them enough to allow him to take the field. And on the night where the Ravens could set a record for consecutive games with 100 rushing yards, the Ravens made it into the third quarter with 18 rushes and about 60 yards to show for it. Bell, for whatever he was worth, remained on the practice squad…and Adam Schefter reported that the Ravens were fielding trade inquiries for their RBs. Was this game a showcase for the RBs on the squad? Were they protecting Le’Veon Bell? Am I falling into the Kerryon Johnson trap? To be honest, I care nothing of Le’Veon Bell and you probably don’t either. But what else am I going to write about tonight? Lamar Jackson looking human? Honestly, even against the Colts, Jackson’s stat line was still mouth-watering, as his passing game has taken a step forward this year to a nice 270 passing yards per game, which is far more sustainable than 100 QB yards rushing per game. As the Raven said, pa-rap-a-rap rapping at my door: “More Lamar.” (make sure you say it with a mouth full of chips so it kind of sounds like Nevermore.

Here’s what else I saw in Monday Night Football, where the Birds fought the Horses: 

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I write you from the warm fall ambiance of Green Bay in October, where I’ve been hired as the new kicker for the Packers. After Mason Crosby missed a hat trick worth of field goals, I was hired on Fiverr by a guy named “Cornelius Chuck” to take over the booting work in the Bold North. My new insider knowledge informs this fantasy football report, which is filled with my new coach speak jargon. Let’s jam the tires full of cheese my mateys! 

Here’s what I saw in Week 5 of 2021 Fantasy Football: 

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All right, we’ve made it through 4/18ths of the season and my pocket calculator is absolutely losing its mind. Now that Anthony Miller has been dropped by the Houston Texans and his impending team change will absolutely shake the NFL to its core and bring in a legion of lawyers to inquire about the fairness of having such a talent just walking to another team, it’s time to assess the quality of your fantasy football team. That’s where we come into play. Come and check your head and see if we can get some good players on your team! 

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Somewhere there’s an engineer searching for a power strip and typing “Chargers” into Google and getting this post at the top of their results page. Thanks SEO power! And sorry dear engineer, you didn’t want that surge protector anyway. You wanted to learn about the Bolts from Los Angeles! When the Los Angeles Chargers of San Diego host a game, they bring the power from the sky: the game was slightly delayed thanks to a massive storm passing through that even Xennials living in their parents’ basement could see. The refs were worried that Darren Waller — being the tallest thing in the stadium — would be struck down by lightning like no linebacker could do. Let’s catch you up on the Monday Night Football stats for your fantasy team! 

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Oh I am so glad as a NFC Northerner to see my dear Vikings get demolished by [checks notes] Baker Mayfield. Longtime readers of my articles (Hi Mrs. Donkey Teeth!) know that I am not a fan of Baker Mayfield on the gridiron, although I think his commercials are on par with the fairer works of Chris Tucker. Mayfield, you’re so magnetic, why can’t I learn to love you?! ENYWHEY. My team played some of the least interesting football I’ve seen in years and your teams probably fared slightly better. How much better? Let’s check the scores!

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Everybody’s fading the Titans, and you know what that means? Sandra Bullock is coming to town for a Hallmark-style tearjerker about Ryan Tannehill learning to pass to [checks notes] Chester Rogers. Wait, you’re seriously expecting me to hype Chester Rogers? What is this, a clickbait site? Ahem, let me try: Undrafted free agent Chester Rogers just needed a chance. He got that chance when he starred in Madea’s Family Reunion. For whatever reason, he left the lucrative Tyler Perry operation and pursued a career in football. Only 4 weeks into the season, injuries thrust him into the spotlight…the future was his to seize. How about that? Think we can greenlight that script? Anybody got Julia Roberts’ number? No? OK, let’s just stick to fantasy football. 

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It’s happening: all the food is filled with “pumpkin spice,” which is actually just cloves and nutmeg and whatever tree bark the hard workers of Spice Majesty International, LLC could grind into a cinnamon-like dust. Yet you — yes you! — are navigating the sales and the spiels and the pumpkin-dusted frittatas to know the truth: it’s short pumpkin spice season, but it’s a looooong fantasy football season. That can be good! Whoever’s in first place in your league right now — they don’t really matter. Do you ever look at your frozen burrito in the gas station microwave after 30 seconds and say, “Ope! One-quarter of the cooking time is done, I’m taking my burrito!” Nah, you know that burrito deserves better. Maybe some cinnamon whip on top…wait, I got carried away. ENYWHEY. We’re here to help! Let’s jump into the spice fray and see what we can dig up for you. 

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Cowboys and Eagles! It’s like a rancher’s dream or a hunter’s nightmare, I dunno. I imagine there’s an alternate universe out there where Clint Eastwood hunts eagles from horseback, his fetch dog trained to track down the poor bird after it plummets from the sky. In a big enough multiverse, there’s also a reality where eagles are hunting Clint Eastwood like some sort of Mothra movie. What should we name the mega eagle monster? Meagle! It’s like some sort of egotistical id-driven avian nemesis. ENYWHEY. In our actual world — where Captain America is busy saving us from Thanos — the Cowboys opened as the -170 favorites over the Eagles, although they were favored to win by only a field goal. Did Zach Ertz finally show up? Did Dak impress? Let’s hurdle over the jump and find out! 

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Week 3, how about thee? I spent all day on the phone with Donkey Teeth as he narrated the Red Zone games to me, describing every play in detail. “Kyler Murray passes to Bryan Edwards! It’s 34-10 going into the half! No, now it’s 24-21 and the third quarter is halfway over. Chris Carson runs down the middle and gets Roman male enhancement pills!” Maybe it’s not the most effective way to cover the NFL. Does anybody know a better way than getting your colleague to narrate the games over the phone to you? If you do, list it down in the comments! Here’s the story that I got straight from the Donkey’s mouth: 

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