Well hello again, all of my lovelies! Did you miss me? I am sorry that I had to abandon you halfway through your abysmal, injury-plagued seasons last year, but it seems that my work as a Fantasy Royalty called me away for many an Ambassador duties. Not really, I was basically traveling the globe and the deepest, darkest reaches of the planet to find some kind of Medicine Man or Voodoo Priestess to lift this Black Widow Curse from me, to no avail. But, I digress. How are you all holding up? I know you missed me, it’s okay, you don’t have to admit it (I can read your thoughts.) So, anyhoo, here we are again. The 2016 NFL season is closer than that stalker who is STILL living in my bushes outside (I need to start charging that creeper rent). I promise you, I won’t leave you again this season, as long as you stick with me. So, to rekindle all the love we shared and the memories we’ve made over the years, let’s spend a little time together today, get to know one another again, turn the lights down low, and turn on the Fantasy lovin’ with this little preseason edition of Hit it or Quit it…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back, my loyal horde, to another episode of Hit it or Quit it with yours truly. Hopefully you are all still alive and well, have not committed yourselves to some psych unit somewhere, and are not on suicide watch after that abysmal week one performance by your first round picks. I, for one, took a massive hit this week and ended up going a sad 3-3 in my leagues. Despite me telling you all last week to pick up Dion Lewis, many of you had doubts. While I, on the other hand, completely FORGOT to start him which contributed to many of my abysmal losses. Oh well, enjoy it while it lasts, because I will not be that lazy again. And for some of you, my “Black Widow Curse” obliterated any chance of you beating me in the coming weeks again. So hopefully you haven’t pulled a scrotum or taco with all of those knee-jerk reactions yet, and you will take heed before you head to the waiver wire this week. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, degenerates and ex-cons, I give you the Week 2 version of Hit it or Quit it…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back, boys and girls, ex-cons and degenerates, to another edition of Hit it or Quit it, with yours truly. I know you have all missed me over this off-season, probably more than I missed most of you, but that was because I was too busy filling my dungeon with man souls to feast on for the 2015 NFL season. As you probably have already witnessed, my Black Widow Curse is still very much alive and back with a vengeance. This season it seems to want to feast on hammies and ACLs, which has made for some very interesting Fantasy Football drafts was well. With most of the first-rounders taken out by my curse (no one crosses me), join me now as we begin to venture into the outer limits of this season with Hit it or Quit it, Week 1…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back, my lovelies! Here we are at Week 16 already! Wow, this time has really flown by this season. Okay, maybe not, but I was trying to be positive there for a second. Let’s be honest, this Fantasy Football season has totally blown dead bunnies, with Week 15 being the worst of the worst, well, not for my “Black Widow” Curse anyway. In that regard, Week 15 was like a feast fit for a King…or Queen in this respect. My Fantasy Updates were popping up faster than Welker on Molly with one injury report after another. Concussions and broken bones and severed spines, oh my! I think my curse gained at least 1500 pounds on the man souls it managed to gorge on over the weekend. And, like the true selfless beauty I am, I made sure it feasted on my own rosters, and not yours…well, not all of yours anyway. I am a giver as much as a taker. It’s all about balance. Most of you are in the same position as me right now, and it is not a pretty one. We are forced to look at fifth and sixth stringers and we’ve had to dig so deep in depth charts that we are close to striking oil or finding some old dinosaur bones or something. Whatever it may be, one thing is for certain, fantasy football is a game of chance, plain and simple, just like dating. So, let’s cruise the fantasy football version of match.com, see what rejects are left for us to pick up, so that we can continue to limp those hoopties into Week 16, and, by the grace of God, possibly a playoff victory. Get in, sit down, strap up, and hold on, my lovelies, it’s time for Hit it or Quit it, Week 16.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Well, well, well, here we are again my lovelies, Week 15! We are a’tappin’ on the backdoor of playoff season. This past week was very unkind to yours truly in the Fantasy Football area, as it seems my Black Widow Curse went on a feeding frenzy and decimated every piece of man soul on my rosters. Hell, even George, the groundskeeper I picked up back in Week 3, went down with a severed spine AND a triple felony. Yes, this has to be one of the most unforgiving Fantasy Football seasons I have ever had the displeasure of engaging in. The amount of pain I have endured this season would make even the Marquis de Sade blush. Thankfully, it is almost over and I can go back to my life of ComiCons and meth smoking. Like I mentioned in my very first Hit it or Quit it post for Razzball, playing Fantasy Football is a lot like dating… sometimes you are the one doing the screwing, and sometimes you are the one getting screwed. So, as we knock on the backdoor of playoffs, lay back, get comfy, throw on some Luther Vandross, and let me do my thing (I’ll even buy you dinner first) with this week’s Hit it or Quit it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back, my lovelies! I hope the fantasy Gods have been as good to you this week as they have been to me! Yours truly went a solid 6-0 this week, and it seems you are all finally seeing that I know what I am talking about, as I had to battle some of you on the waiver wires this week as well. Remember, Hell hath no fury…and to the person who beat me on waivers for Gray this week? Well, let’s just say I will be very BLOUNT about my thoughts on that. Remember all, I am a girl who gets what she wants, and when I don’t…well… Hopefully your hoopties (rosters that is) are still rollin’, tailpipe draggin, sure the heat don’t work and your girl keeps naggin’ but hey, its Fantasy Football and no one said it had to be perfect or pretty. Kind of like a toothy bj, it may be painful and not very enjoyable, but hopefully there is still some satisfaction at the end. So, speaking of satisfaction, let’s all lube up and get ready for a good time as I bust open Week 13’s Hit it or Quit it.
Welcome back my lovelies! It seems the Fantasy Gods continue to smile on yours truly, as I pulled out a 5-1 record this week again. Yes, winning feels good, especially when you basically have a team held together with duct tape and the leaflets from the floor of a porno theater. But alas, for many of you, my “Black Widow” curse feasted upon quite a bit of your RB1s, WR1s, and everything in between this week. Hey, I warned you, my lust for man souls has become insatiable. Sure, I also lost Hillman, Thomas, and Sanders in the process, but it seems this has allowed some rookie fresh meat to step into those shoes. Mmmm, there’s nothing like a fresh, young rookie-meat to get my blood flowing, even if it costs me and I have to scramble to fill that slot. So, as the title to this week’s article suggests, and as you may already know, I am a glutton for punishment. And yes, some punishments can be oh so enjoyable. So, gather up those hooptie lineups, grab some lotion and a box of tissues (ladies, stock up on batteries for your B.O.B.) and follow me down the path of depravity to this week’s Hit it or Quit it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Well, well, well, here we are again my lovelies, trudging on into Week 11 of the 2014 Fantasy Football season. As we near the playoffs, one thing is certain, our hooptied rosters are still plugging along like the good jalopies they are, and the Dominatrix-style punishments we endure week after week are nearing an end. Thankfully, unlike that Dominatrix, some of you don’t have to pay for this punishment, but unfortunately, there is no safe word. So take it like the good sex slaves you are. On another note, the Fantasy Gods have been generous with yours truly this past week, as I managed to squeeze out a solid 4-2 with my teams. Hell, even the stalker living in the bushes outside of my house has started to watch me sleeping through my window at night again. Ah, yes, all feels right with the universe. It is probably because I am completely and utterly satiated on the man souls my “Black Widow Curse” claimed this past week. Hey, Hall and Oates warned you… “watch out boys, she’ll chew you up.” All this time I have been fighting it, but in reality, giving in and embracing it for all of its man-soul chewing glory satisfies me more than any piece of chocolate, depraved sexual fantasy of Jordan Cameron ever has. So, as we march ever onward, follow me, my lovelies, into Week 11’s episode of Hit it or Quit it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back, my lovelies! Your’s truly has had a pretty great Week 9, to say the least. My “Black Widow Curse” decided to take a holiday for one week in this NFL season, and I went a nice 5-1 in my leagues (damn you, Lifshitz!). It seems, however, some of you have not been listening to the pearls of wisdom my fine a** has been throwing down, and you managed to skip over and ignore some tasty waiver wire adds that I told you to ride like a Vegas “companion”. That’s okay. Mistakes are how we learn. And, I hope you have all learned your lessons and are finally ready for a serious relationship… with your rosters, that is. Remember, Fantasy Football is a lot like dating… you have to get through those toothless weirdos, headcases, and creep-o stalkers to get to “the one”. Now, if you are all ready to commit (to those rosters, I mean), hold on to those marriage proposals and follow me as I lead you, like a siren, into Week 10’s Hit it or Quit it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome back, my lovelies! Once again, we find ourselves all cozied up together, commiserating on our busted a*s rosters, re-evaluating every life decision we ever made, wondering when we are going to get to receive, rather than continually bend over and take it raw week after endless week. Even the stalker in my bushes outside of my house is giving me a look of shame as he peers at me through my bathroom window when I shower. This has to be, by far, one of the wackiest Fantasy Football seasons I have ever had the displeasure of being a part of, and I have done some questionably wacky things in my day (hey, it was college and I needed the money). Anyhoo, I digress… well, let’s get down and dirty with what I know you are all waiting for, Hit it or Quit it, Week 9.Please, blog, may I have some more?