Greetings! Tis I, your servant, Tehol Beddict, here to talk some fantasy football and stimulate your minds. It seemed like Alshon Jeffery was untouched during the Bears losing effort against the Saints of New Orleans. I know what you’re thinking: ” Tehol, an attractive young man not being “touched” by a “Saint” is an oxymoron!” I know this to be true. I’ve dug oh so deep into the dark, crusty annals of our worlds history, and rarely have I read about a supposed “Saint” that wasn’t either a sexual deviant or just a disgracefully foul human being in general. If you doubt me, send your boys to Sunday school with no parental vision, just make sure they wear a wire. Does anyone even read my column? After this opening I’m guessing my readers just went from 2 to zero. Sky don’t edit this or I’ll show up at your front door with Bishop Eddie Long in tow, and you know what that means: A nice friendly game of “Butts Up.” Anyway, I know Jeffery didn’t follow up his record breaking performance this week with anything special, but the fact remains he is now heavily targeted and was missed on a few bombs last night against the Giants. This young bull has undoubtedly been blessed by the Elder God’s with immense size, talent, and stature. I can only imagine what he’s packin and I’m not speaking of weaponry. Although I suppose that could be considered weaponry as I’m sure it’s deadly when he uses it’s deep impact capabilities. Jeffery’s stat line from last week you want? Here it is: 10 receptions for 218 yards with a TD on 13 targets. Yea, he truly went Berzerk, and I’m not talking the horrific, embarrassingly bad, new Eminem song produced by that dirty old man, Rick Rubin. I’d start every week at the WR 3 spot or flex if I were you. But If I were you, then you’d be me, and you’d be betting oiled up with banana cream pudding with two female midgets licking it off for a hot new advertisement in Bangkok and telling me what to do with my fantasy roster. Again, nobody is really reading this far, right?
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Author: LT Murray IV
Male model, philanthropist, Follower of the Elder Gods, and a Fantasy Sports Legend.
Read some of LT Murray IV's 106 posts
Greetings! Tis I, Beddict, and I’m gonna drop some serious Bangerz on you today. Sky stole my breaking bad idea, so I suppose my version will have to drop on TeholBeddict.com. Drop by if you want to witness some hot solo jerk sessions and some life changing mankini shots. Back to Sky: I mean the guy is on season 4 for the God’s sake, and he has the balls to drop a breaking bad special on that ass and ask for no spoilers? Ok, think Tehol, think! Is there anything in this incredible universe more fascinating than the greatness that was Breaking Bad? After pulling my hair out and choking the chicken a couple times, it hit me! MILEY. Is it the Salvia smoking, the charmingly boyish haircut, the boner inducing twerking, or is it the blindingly white skin that almost makes Dakota Fanning look African American? We all know Miley’s super producer Mike Will is tagging and bagging that scrumptious pasty pancake ass. I mean, he’s got to be right?!? God dammit, I wanna be him, and that’s probably the first time I’ve ever wished to be another human being. I’d literally kill to bang my wrecking balls against that lurid, smooth skin. Speaking of wrecking balls, that’s my favorite song of Cyrus’s new album, which I listened to on my flight to Maui Thursday morning, specifically for the purpose of writing this prized piece. What I’m doing here is going through Miley’s song titles from her most recent album, Bangerz, taking a quote from them and placing the players under the songs I see fit for them after this last week. As per usual I will be breaking down the targets and touches for players that stood out to me. Oh and one more thing: It slipped my mind that last season my post’s were called ” Hard Targets” not “Targets and Touches,” so that’s coming back as well. I can feel your excitement from my hotel room, where I have two washed up models feeding me grapes and waxing my body for the big shoot tomorrow. When I say “shoot,” I don’t mean money shot, for this is not a porn. Only if I come upon dire straights will that happen. Dear Sky,
Please, blog, may I have some more? Targets and Touches: Antonio Brown Goes Liberace On Bears
September 27, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 59 Commentsby: LT Murray IV
My buzz is crazy in the hood, they holler my name. If it ain’t about the writing, it’s about the stones and the wang. Greetings! Tis I, your beloved Tehol Beddict, returning yet again to give you a rundown on this past week’s targets and touches that stood out in this mind of mine that’s been referred to as beautiful, a la John Nash. I haven’t yet received my Nobel Prize but one day, with your continued support and recognition, that day will surely come. I know what you’re thinking; ” In comparing Antonio Brown to Liberace, Beddict is saying Brown went balls deep into a plethora of young men who are employed by the Chicago Bears.” Come on now people. Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m simply referring to the flash and pizazz Brown displayed in making one incredible play after another against the highly rated Bears secondary. What Brown does off the field is none of my business. Brown exploded with 9 receptions for 196 yards and 2 TD’s on 13 targets. Now, we’ve all been waiting for Brown to explode like a lactose intolerant Rosie O’Donnell after a 31 flavors binge, and he rewarded his owners in an extreme manner. Brown is far and away the superior wideout on Pittsburgh and I expect him to average around 100 yards receiving for the remainder of the season. If you want to disagree with me, go ahead. Just be aware that I may go Liberace on you and I’m not talking speaking of flash and pizazz if you catch my drift. Here’s what else caught my lovely eyes this past weekend. Take Heed!
Please, blog, may I have some more? Targets and Touches: Jimmy Graham Goes Green Eggs and HAM
September 20, 2013 | 2013 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 47 Commentsby: LT Murray IV
Greetings! Tis I, the extraordinary Mr. Beddict, here to shoot fantasy football knowledge from my fingertips to your brains. I’m gonna shoot. I’m gonna shooooooot. Â After scouring the box scores for days on end, I’ve concluded that some of my guidance in the comment section might have actually been advantageous. And for that I give myself, Tehol Beddict, two snaps and a twist! It’s reigning men out here in the fantasy football world, and my duty here at Razzball is to handpick a squad of these demi-gods every week and dissect their targets and production for your reading pleasure. It’s been said Bill Simmons flogs the dolphin to my posts. There’s been rumors Peter King has my 1997 Playgirl foldout on his wall. What they don’t understand is that no amount of money could ever tear me away from Razzball, the home of legends like Grey, Rudy, and my sensei Sky-dog. Ok, that’s probably an overstatement. Five hundred would probably get the deal done. Enough about me (is that possible?), let’s get to the players we rode like Seattle Slew for the win, or the so called gladiators who performed like gelded steers during mating season:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Greetings! Tis I, the fabulous Mr. Beddict, here to review some stats I found downright fascinating from the NFL’s opening weekend. You know me as Razzball’s resident fantasy football and now fantasy baseball champion(is it too early to say that?No), philanthropist, model, escort, and part-time stripper. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that when I’m around, women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. And if there’s another thing I know, it’s how to absolutely dominate in the field of fantasy sports. I’m not one to brag or self promote my but my legend runs deeper than the Mariana Trench. Help me help you in winning your fantasy title this season. Brotherhood of Razzball readers; I’d rather fight beside you than any other site and their millions of peasants. Let no man forget how menacing we are. We are lions! Do you know what’s there, waiting, beyond the regular season? Immortality! Take it, it’s yours!
Please, blog, may I have some more?Greetings! Ya’ll wanna see my face? Well, now’s your chance as for the second year in a row I’ve been handpicked by Andrew Siciliano to participate in DirecTV’s promotional fantasy football extravaganza. Receiving the opportunity to ask MJD and Roddy White questions pertaining to fantasy was like a dream come true for me, not so much unlike my other dream that came true of having Dina and Lindsay Lohan at the same time. God, that was hot. Anyway, I was only given a couple minutes and somehow managed to offend MJD by asking him if his quarterback is still seeing ghosts out there and also call Roddy, “Julio” 2-3 times. WHOOPS! Witness.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Greetings all! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, writers league defending champion, international male model and fantasy guru. I come to you today to speak of what will be an eventual champion fantasy football roster. Thus far I’ve never guaranteed a title and didn’t end up victorious. This year will be no different. I’m still not clear if this is a ppr league or not but based on my roster it’s truly not going to matter either way. Take heed.
Please, blog, may I have some more? Hard Targets: Dez Goes “Kobe” Bryant on Saints
December 28, 2012 | 2012 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 8 Commentsby: LT Murray IV
Is your league still going in week 17? I’m not quite sure what to make of that quite honestly. On one hand I want to denounce you and watch my chicken viciously peck at your children, and on the other hand, can I, Tehol Beddict, fantasy writer extraordinaire, really blame you for wanting to extend fantasy football another week? Fantasy football is fantastic, maybe even better than pure columbian blow(that may be going too far), but some will state it unwise that your league is set up to play when numerous teams are usually set up to play meaningless games. When I say that the games are meaningless, I mean that a few of your fantasy stud muffins may be riding the pine this week in preparation for the playoffs. Talk to your league manager about it. When I say talk, I mean take him in a dark room and stroke him/her with a couple blows to the kidneys while sporting brass knuckles. Nothing like going into a title game having to start the likes of Harry Douglas. Either way, you get another Beddict post, and being that I am the Razzball fantasy football champion, how can you not heed my advice? You almost have no choice at this point. So, no matter that I don’t agree with your league set up. Just win Baby.
Please, blog, may I have some more? Hard Targets: A Brandon ‘Lloyd Christmas’ Miracle
December 20, 2012 | 2012 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 35 Commentsby: LT Murray IV
Greetings all! It is I, Tehol Beddict, here to help you win your fantasy title. Unlike Beyonce faking a pregnancy or the rapper ‘Rick Ross’, everything I say and do is real. Yes, I told many of you to start Denario Alexander last week and he dropped a goose egg. OK, I have no answer for […]
Please, blog, may I have some more? Hard Targets: What Does Mike Wallace Look Like?
December 13, 2012 | 2012 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 29 Commentsby: LT Murray IV
What does Mike Wallace look like?!! Do I look like a bit@h? Don’t answer that question. Just read my thoughts on these selected players and get yourselves some playoff victories this week. You’re saying “What, no long, obnoxious intro this week? What, no 300 word opening paragraph for me to skip over this week?” Say […]
Please, blog, may I have some more? Hard Targets: Why Owners are Not Smitten With Jason Witten
December 6, 2012 | 2012 Fantasy Football, Hard Targets | 15 Commentsby: LT Murray IV
Let me start out by welcoming my loving, beautiful, adoring readers to the playoffs. If you didn’t make the playoffs you must just be reading for two possible reasons: 1) You want to hear how my pet chicken is doing or 2) You get off on reading borderline hateful, extremely spiteful, condescending rhetoric. I cannot […]
Please, blog, may I have some more? Hard Targets: Dezzy “Make a Straight Girl Out a Lezzy” Bryant is the Future
November 29, 2012 | Hard Targets |by: LT Murray IV
First and foremost I’d like to say Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers. I hope the folks that don’t read my articles, even when I spam their facebook and emails with them, had something horrific happen to them. Like say, maybe trying to deep fry a turkey for the first time, and burning down […]
Please, blog, may I have some more?