Can you feel the electricity in the air? I know what you’re thinking– Mom/wifey has yet to learn her lesson and attempted to deploy her plug-in vibrator in the Jacuzzi again. (When will they ever learn?) Pray to the Elder Gods that twas not due to them discovering my mythical Instagram account, for once a mortal witnesses those photographs they literally have no choice other than “Releasing,” which is much like the way I felt after viewing the latest Nicki Minaj video, Anaconda! I am known in some underground circles as they Ganymede of fantasy football analysts and I thoroughly embrace it. Back to that electricity your boy Beddict spoke; It’s due to the return of not only football, America’s greatest sport, but FANTASY FOOTBALL, America’s greatest game! ARE YOU READY?!?! I SAID, ARE YOU READY?!?!
Whether you read my NFL posts last season, know me from the baseball side of things, or are meeting me for the first time, I’d like to say: Greetings, and welcome to Tehol’s dojo, right here on Razzball.com, the most extravagantly fabulous fantasy website on the planet. My esteemed editor, Jay, requested I drop some bold predictions for the public to slurp up like a hot bowl of pho, and who am I to turn down a request from such a revered Lord? Let’s just hope he doesn’t ask for tube steak, cuz he’ll require his tonsils removed for that. Moving on.
Upside is something I lean heavily on during my drafts. For example, last season I drafted David Wilson in the 3rd round in one draft, and began my Razzball writers league draft with Spiller, Julio Jones, and Randall Cobb. I know what you’re thinking, “Beddict, bro, what’s it like getting your shizz pushed in like your last name was Kardashian?” Well, guys/gals, I actually won the league with Wilson, and should have made the playoffs in the Razzball league, but some hater (couldn’t possibly have been Jay) had only a 4 team playoff. Some guys will explode, others will fall due to injury, and yes, there are those that will brick like my man, Shaq Diese, at the free throw line. Ultimately, you must take a few gambles on draft day and devour rising talent on the waiver wire with the hunger of pregnant blue whale.
I had a terrible year in fantasy baseball this season, partly due to drafting Bryce Harper (let’s not talk about it, OKAY?!?!) in the first round of every draft. Luckily, for us (ME!), the opening two rounds of 12 team fantasy football leagues offer nothing but proven stallions. In most cases, it’s only injury (Julio Jones) or a shocking level of ineptitude NO ONE saw coming from a female throttling scumbag (Ray Rice), that can derail your first two selections’ season. I’d say the probability of that occurring is right on par with Nicolas Cage preposterously attempting to pull off a Scottish accent while co-starring in a film with Anakin Skywalker……oh wait….. That’s. Actually. Happening.…NO! It cannot be so!! Well, good luck to you and maybe, just maybe, the Elder Gods will hear us mortal’s prayers and deliver upon us, glorious fantasy titles aplenty, so that one day we may ascend to fantasy God-hood.
Let us begin with some players who I feel will break out like a fierce case of the herp and a few veterans that are being doubted who ALMOST unquestionably will silence the hate in legendary fashion. Take Heed!
Andre Ellington– You’d have to be deafer than my pet chicken, Beatrice, or possess Stevie Wonder like vision if any part of you believes Lil’ Dre Dre will fall to you in the late 3rd round. Not happening, for Ellington is rising in fame on a daily basis with levels only matched in recent history by Kim Kardashian. Fortunately, Ellington didn’t have his esophagus obliterated by half the NBA players association to do so. So, now you’re saying to yourself, “WOW, this Ellington kid went from sleeper to overrated, just like you, Tehol.” My dear friends, you are quite mistaken on both accounts… First off, the Elder Gods whisper to me each and every night, “Beddict, one day you and Razzball will be so ridiculously huge that you shall be forced to turn down an 8 figure contract from ESPN. Therefore, I can’t be overrated for if the Elders state it, it must be so. Second of all, Ellington is not overrated, he’s still UNDERRATED. The former 6th rounder out of Clemson absolutely needs, I repeat, absolutely needs, to go ahead of the likes of Arian Foster and DeMarco Murray and he could easily finish the season as a top-5 running back and the NFC’s Jamal Charles.
Percy Harvin- After witnessing Harvin being force fed the rock in practice and in the pre-season thus far, I’m predicting his first ever 1,000 yard season. With Golden Tate and Sidney Rice now out of the picture, and the Seahawks transitioning to more spread out offense, Percy will thrive and reward those of you brave souls, mentally strong enough to select him in the 4th or 5th round. Nice little bonus if your league counts kick return yardage.
Colin Kaepernick- The stage is set, the rock hard body is ready, that woman from the hotel room’s accusations were proven false, and there is a plentiful bounty of weapons for Kaepernick to now choose from. A fully recovered Crabtree, the additions of Stevie Johnson and rookie Bruce Ellington, and the fact that his foot is now fully healed, all combine to set up a truly monstrous year for Kaeptain Pipelayer, slayer of defenses and all things pun-tang. With the foot injury in the rear-view mirror, rushing yards should come by the buttload, and I for one always regret missing out on a load of butts…..
Montee Ball- The Broncos could probably dig up Christian Slater from whatever obscure hole he’s been hiding in, bathe him and scrub the filth off of him, then promptly place him in the backfield and watch him pick up at least 300 yards on the season. Unless I’ve been witnessing these disgraceful, straight to DVD Slater flicks in the wrong mind state, I’d say Ball is at the very least for times the man Slater is. Ridiculous comparison aside, Ball goes for 1,200 and 10 touchdowns, MINIMUM.
Giovani Bernard- Gio is the AFC’s Andre Ellington, and if you happen to play in any sort of PPR format, Bernard belongs in the top-10 overall without question. You’re saying: “Wait one God’s damned minute, Beddict!!” If Ellington is the NFC’s Jamal Charles, then how is Bernard the AFC’s Ellington? It will all make sense once the season is underway. Trust me, for a monster season lies upon the horizon.
Marshawn Lynch- If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that,Yasmine Bleathe is the most underrated beauty in our world’s history. If there’s a seconnd thing I’ve learned, it’s an ancient hymn taught to me in an underground cave near Mount Kilimanjaro: ” Thou shalt never doubt Beastmode.” 1,350 plus yards with 11 plus touchdowns will equal a superior season to that of Eddie Lacy. It has been written.
Ladarius Green– If Antonio Gates had decided to retire, Green would be a no doubt top-5 tight end. That’s how insanely filthy this man-beast is. The coaching staff would be absolute fools to not put Green in position to catch 50 plus balls this season. If Gates goes down for any length of time, prepare thy selves for greatness of the highest order.
Justin Hunter- Am I just jumping on the bandwagon here? Actually, yes. J-hunt looks like a star in the making and it’s entirely possible he pulls an Alshon Jeffrey and goes HAM.
Jamal Charles– You’re shocked, right? I’m gonna come right out and say it: This is a total gut call. The Chiefs lost 3/5 of their starting offensive line and last year’s number one overall draft pick, Eric Fisher, is getting abused at left tackle this preseason. Charles played through some very minor injuries but somehow avoided a vast amount of crushing blows, that is, until the playoffs where he was put on his knees quicker than it takes Lindsay Lohan when she’s auditioning for a role. I truly fear for Charles’s safety this season, as I believe the Chiefs regress to a 7/9 or at best an 8/8 season. With that being said, I’m still taking Charles number 3 overall. I know that a variety of writers/analysts have Charles as the number one back this season, but I just happen to believe that both McCoy and Peterson are safer options.
Arian Foster- I won’t be touching Foster unless he somehow slips to the 3rd round. The NFL’s Mr. Glass is simply to fragile to go in the first 2 rounds anymore. Foster’s back surgery was the last straw for me….or wait…was it the hammy he pulled this preseason for literally the 115,345th time in his career? This Texans offense should be ugly and I’m not buying him making it through a full 16 game season with Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB. The upside is obviously still there, but due his recent past some grotesquely large proverbial stones shall be required for anyone selecting him.
Maurice Jones-Drew- Ahhhh, my old friend, Maurice. I interviewed him 2 years in a row for a DirecTV/NFL Sunday ticket special, and he hated me and my questions each time. Not sure if the event was cancelled this year or if I was just booted for continually dissing Blaine Gabbert, or repeatedly calling Roddy White Julio Jones……Roddy was none to pleased. With all that being said, MJD is finico. That’s finished in American. Stay away.
Jordan Cameron- This offense looks more disgusting than the veiny, ancient bodies of the stars of Expendables 3. A drop off in production will occur. Prepare as such.
DeAndre Hopkins– I’ve witnessed many an analyst project a big season for Hopkins but for me to draft him on any one of my numerous fantasy teams, I’d have to go against my cardinal rule: Don’t draft the number two receiver on a team on which Ryan Fitzpatrick is the starting quarterback. Gross.
Miles Austin- It pains me deeply to admit this, but the man I once amorously referred to as, “Sir Miles” Austin, is now an afterthought in the NFL. His brief brush with stardom will only be a footnote in history and most will forget how truly great he was for that 2 1/2 year period. He’s done and the Gods are not fond of Cleveland.
That was fun. You can join me every week on Razzball for articles breaking down the weeks’s Delights and Disgraces and follow me on Twitter at @Tehol143. It would be my honor to respond directly to your comments and questions below and I will answer all of them within a timely manor. This year, I want to include you, the reader, in my posts, so I will be picking two #Disgrace blurbs you can send me on Twitter or in the comment section, and publishing them in the following week’s article. Have a fabulous weekend and never forget what we shared here today.