Week 9: 7-6, Overall: 55-48-1, Locks: 5-1
Greetings! Beddict’s back in the hizzy, already 0-1 this week after Andy Dalton was brought to his knees as if he was Miley Cyrus, after spiking (NSFW… kinda) her own drink with multiple mollys. I apologize, for I feel wrong comparing Andy Dalton to someone with real talent. Is there anything grosser than Miley going full camel toe, sticking her demonic tongue out, and twerking that pasty pancake ass? Sure there is… Andy Dalton playing QB in the National Football League. That was one of the most embarrassingly pathetic performances I’ve witnessed from a QB in my many days upon this earth. Not since Curtis “Putrid” Painter started almost the entire season when the Colts were tanking (not talked about enough) to get Andrew Luck, have I been cursed with watching such peon like play. Seems like a great guy in real life though… moving on. Let’s get to this week’s picks, shall we? The quest for the perfect week continues.
Lock of the Week: New York Giants @ Seattle (-9) – After betting against my hometown, Seattle Seahawks, in 3 consecutive weeks, now seems like the perfect moment to reverse course and go all in. The Giants looked like the worst team in football on MNF this past week and how were they rewarded? With a cross country flight on a short week, to face the Super Bowl Champion, Seattle Seahawks, who at home, are one of the best teams in the NFL. This is like taking Edward Furlong, giving him a half gallon of Jägermeister, then leaving him alone at the San Diego Zoo. You already know he’s gonna let all those MF-in animals loose. Just like you know the Hawks are going to beat the brakes off the Little Giants. If the Hawks defense can contain “Icebox” and watch out for the “annexation of Puerto Rico” play, it should be a great day.
Miami (+3) @ Detroit – Let me be clear: I wouldn’t bet on this game even if I had the use of one of Christian Slater’s many, nearly maxed out credit cards. Buuuuut, if you’re going to put a knife to my D like Lorena Bobbit, I’m rollin’ with Miami. That defense is playing insanely well right now’ and you’d think the Elder Gods themselves were out in that secondary (Grimes is close to ascending). Calvin Johnson makes his triumphant return to the Lions lineup, complicating things that much further. Very interesting game.
Kansas City (-1.5) @ Buffalo – The odds of Sammy Watkins participating in this game are about as high as Keanu Reaves winning an Academy Award for his new blockbuster John Wick. Add that to the fact that Buffalo has zero running game right now, and I must go with KC. It’s about time I did another film inspired column, and I have a feeling Wick is filled with massive amounts of platinum status quotes. Prepare yourself.
San Francisco @ New Orleans (-5.5) – This is pretty close to a must-win game for San Francisco, but it’s hard to give them the benefit of the doubt, based on the fact they’ve closed about as successfully as A.C. Green this season. New Orleans has looked great as of late, so this one’s a no-brainer and close to “lock of the week”, territory.
Tennessee @ Baltimore (-10) – With Baltimore’s secondary looking thinner than Anthony Weiner’s wiener, there’s a solid chance Mettenberger drops a few bombs, maybe even to my boy, the massively disappointing Justin Hunter… hold up… I just had this vision of Terrell Suggs going all “Alvin Mack” on the Tennessee rookies, the aforementioned Mettenberger and Bishop Sankey. That was enough to sway me.
Pittsburgh (-4.5) @ Jets – Betting on the Jets is like going to Tijuana, getting blacked-out, and paying a stripper extra to go “raw”. It’s a risk you may spend the rest of your life regretting. I know multiple people that have actually done this, and you may have read my referring to this in other posts, but I ask you now, does it ever get any less funny? Pittsburgh by a STD, er, TD.
Atlanta (-2.5) @ Tampa Bay – Picking between the Falcons and the Buccaneers is like deciding between being gelded or having to deep throat a rhino for 45 minutes, but Atlanta is coming off the bye and Julio Jones is hungry.
Denver (-12) @ Oakland – No clue how Oakland can keep this one close. Lock of the week territory. The Raiders simply lack the firepower to keep this game in range. I suppose Denver could drop another dud, but it’s not likely.
St. Louis @ Arizona (-7) – There’s nothing I respect about the Rams, other than their defensive line. Very much in the same fashion Suge Knight did Vanilla Ice, the Cardinals have been b*tch slapping their opponents all season long and I don’t see St. Louis matching up very well at all here.
Chicago @ Green Bay (-7.5) – In Jay Cutler’s past three trips to his division rivals, he’s averaged 190 passing yards and has combined to throw for just two touchdowns compared to a disgraceful 10 interceptions. And Green Bay ranks sixth in the league with 1.9 takeaways per game sooooo, get Cutler out of your fantasy lineups, NOW!!! I see no reason to believe this is the week he turns it around.
Carolina (+6.5) @ Philadelphia – I’m not willing to give Mark Sanchez more than 6 points here. I just can’t. That’s like predicting a David Spade film, in which he doesn’t have Chris Farley or Adam Sandler in it, to be successful. I will say this though: One of the most underrated films of all time is Spade’s Lost and Found, and Meet Joe Dirt is a certified hood classic, even though it wasn’t a box office success. Maybe Sanchez has a “Joe Dirt” moment this Sunday, but I’d say the odds are slim.
Dallas (7.5) @ Jacksonville (London) – If Romo was out, I’d take Jacksonville all the way to 3 points, maybe even-money line, but the Cowboys should regain their swag against a run D that goes softer than Mike Golic after he’s called out by Bill Simmons on Twitter. Jacksonville has given me no real reason to trust them, so I’ll take Dallas in the bounce back.
Thank you for joining me on “Betting With Beddict.” Remember that I don’t consider myself a touting specialist or service- this is all for fun guys. So feel free to challenge my picks below or throw out some fantasy questions- either way, works for me. Want to get real intimate? Follow me on Twitter at @Tehol143 . Have a fabulous weekend and may the Gods forever be in your favor.