Overall: 16-17-1, Week 3: 9-6-1
Greetings! Hopefully some of you are plunging balls deep into the world of sports betting. There’s really no superior way to ruining your life, errr, I mean having a fabulous time. I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’ve bet 50 bucks a game and I’ve gone through times when I was driving down to Tijuana sports books and traversing to Vegas to throw down thousands. Those were stressful times and putting stress on the body, especially in my case, since it’s the only thing that makes me money, can lead to health problems down the road. Nowadays, I do it more for sport. Kind of like Tinder. Or is that sports f*cking? Either way, being a consistent winner is sports betting is almost impossible or obviously more people would do it for a living. Yes, I went 5-11 in a horrific Week 2, but those weeks happen to the best of us. Not to mention, nobody of any intelligence actually puts money down on every single football game. I SORT OF redeemed myself with a 9-6-1 record this past weekend and aim to continue this streak of above .500 play in Week 4. I somehow forgot to put a pick in for TNF on my Disgrace/Delight post, so we’re already down one game. That was a game to stay away from anyway, though I’m sure the majority of squares took Washington. (I probably would have). I’m exhausted from 18 holes of golf yesterday, so we best get to the picks before drugs are required to keep me going. Yes, I lead a rough life, but I didn’t choose this life. It chose me. This is Betting With Beddict, so Elder Gods please SHOW US THE MONEY.
Lock of the Week: Carolina @ Baltimore (-3) – Steve Smith is not allowing the Ravens to lose to the team who dropped him like a bad bag of dope after 13 mostly glorious seasons. I believe Baltimore to be an extremely solid team, with more overall talent than Carolina, plus they’re playing in the house that Modell built. RIP, just don’t piss on his grave. Did I mention Steve Smith advised the crowd to wear goggles to shield their eyes from the blood and guts of the Panthers players he expects to be spilled this Sunday? This is some Gladiator type-ish and I’m not gonna be the man who bets against Steve Smith. No way B-more doesn’t cover. Ice up, SON!
Miami @ Oakland (+3.5) – There’s absolutely no way in hell I’d actually touch this game and Oakland’s already burned me once at home, but I think they get it together this week for their first home win. And by win, I mean lose by a field goal. The Dolphins are in serious trouble if they blow this game, yet I sense no urgency from them whatsoever. Philbin’s done after this season.
Green Bay (-2) @ Chicago – My heart says Chi-Town, but my brain is reminding me of the Bears’ 3rd string secondary that Aaron Rodgers should burn like Ron Mexico did to all his poor, unsuspecting women. Green Bay should be in almost desperation mode, and the Bears need Brandon Marshall at full strength to compete in a shootout with A-Rod. If you witnessed last Monday night’s game, then you know B-Marsh is nowhere near 100 percent. Feeling pretty confident here. Then again, Nicolas Cage was pretty confident he would continue making hit movies and buying up castles all over Europe, and we know how that turned out.
Buffalo (+3) @ Houston – If you’ve read these columns the past two weeks, you know I have about as much faith in Houston making the playoffs as I do in Christian Slater once again becoming an A-list actor. Buffalo has superior talent in almost every position group and though Fitzpatrick has the revenge factor going for him… what am I talking about? Fitzpatrick is horrible. I’d money line this and eat a butterscotch sunday to celebrate. #LockItUp
Tennessee @ Indianapolis (-7.5) – After a strong opening weekend, the Titans have looked atrocious ever since, and guess who’s more than likely starting at QB this week? If Charlie Whitehurst actually gets the start for Tennessee, I would take this spread all the way up to, -14. This could get ugly. Jump on this.
Tampa Bay @ Pittsburgh (-7.5) – I refuse to bet on Tampa Bay until they show me something….ANYTHING! The Buccaneers are unquestionably the most disappointing team in the NFL as they’re looking absolutely abysmal. I don’t feel comfortable betting a cent on Tampa, especially on the road to a solid Pittsburgh squad. #EasyMoney
Jacksonville (+13.5) @ San Diego – Another game I wouldn’t touch as the spread is so huge, but I have a gut feeling J-Ville gets a bit of a spark from Blake Bortles and the Chargers do what they USED to do best, and play down to the competition. Tough call though.
Philadelphia (-4.5) @ San Francisco – I have no clue why the Niners are favored by more than 2 after consecutive losses in which they shot themselves in the foot. This seems like way too many points and since my boss, Jay(Wrong), loves the TEMPO Chip Kelly plays with [Jay’s Note: I love any Chip Kelly Innovation™, because it’s so f*cking innovative.], I find it even more difficult to go against them…. ALTHOUGH, Philly’s offensive line has been annihilated more than Mike Myers’ career, giving Justin Smith the opportunity to have a MONSTER day. Is anyone playing better than Smith right now? Unfortunately for the Niners, they’re getting no pass rush from anyone else. I feel like the Niners find a way to sneak this one out, but 4.5 is too many, yo.
Detroit (-1.5) @ New York Jets – I truly desired to go Jets here, as the Elder Gods have seemingly put together their front seven for them… then I had a dream of Calvin Johnson being matched up with some 3rd string corner that doesn’t even belong on an Arena League team and I changed my tune. Detroit has yet to show us much on the road yet and I believe the Jets to be superior to their 1-2 record buuuuuuut, Detroit’s the pick. Probably wouldn’t touch this one though.
Atlanta (-3) @ Minnesota – First Adrian Peterson, then Kyle Rudolph, and finally Matt Cassel? Does it get any more tragic? Okay, so Cassel was the worst QB in the NFL, so that’s actually helping the team, but still. Much like with the Rams, sometimes it’s just not your year. Unless Bridgewater is Daunte Culpepper in his prime, right now, the Vikings don’t stand a chance. Much like when I found that chick from the movie Whale Rider blacked outside a bar in West Hollywood, this one’s easy.
New Orleans (-3) @ Dallas – To keep it realer than real deal Holyfield, New Orleans has not looked like a very good football team… buuuuut, they have a superior overall roster to Dallas, and Sean Payton probably enjoys showing Jerry Jones what a peon Jason Garrett is in comparison to himself. If Romo comes to play, this should be a high scoring affair and maybe, just maybe, Terrance Williams finally has a big game.
New England @ Kansas City (+3) – Betting on this game reminds of the time I had a chance to go bareback with a Tijuana stripper (stripper means hooker in Tijuanish). Luckily for me, I passed on the opportunity. I say lucky, because the guy who stepped up to the challenge died three days later. Yep, Beddict wouldn’t be here at Razzball, enthralling the readers with below .500 betting averages. He’d be taking a dirt nap with Scarlett Johansson’s self worth and John Cusack’s self respect. I wouldn’t touch this game with someones else’s money, let alone my own, but the Pats look gross and KC has played pretty well the past two games, so I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks for joining me for another edition of Betting With Beddict. Though most of you are asking for fantasy tips on these posts, it’s still enjoyable for me, as I’ve always wanted to write one of these columns, so as long as my lifelong dreams are being achieved it’s all good. Even if nobody’s actually reading them. Maybe some of suspended Bill Simmons’s readers will trek over to Razzball and see what becoming of Beddict truly means. Good bye and good luck.