Well, this is it, the last required information dump (hehe, dump) for the masses in preparation for your 2014 Fantasy Football Draft. And here it is, the auction values have been released. But I’m guessing you already knew that, because, of well, ^. For those of you who have never played in an auction draft, or for those of you who do nothing but make it rain when you here the words Jamaal and Charles in the same sentence, I’ll go over some pointers so as to facilitate moderate to heavy alcohol consumption without the fear of drafting David Wilson.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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It wasn’t really my intention to write about this topic, but we’ve been getting plenty of questions about this scoring format and I wanted to make sure I had a concrete answer to give. Though, I do prefer wood a bit more. (That’s what she said.) Plus, if a reader asks about this type of format, all I have to do is link them this post. It’s always nice to answer things back in hyperlinks, because blue is a great color, you get a free underline, and you can interact with them! You only get one out of those three when paying $54.00 to go see the Blue Man Group. What. A. Steal. Regardless, we’re here to talk about how a 6 Point Passing Touchdown affects the scoring of your Quarterbacks, and how that changes where they sit in the rankings, and furthermore, how you should react in the draft based off of all this information. So let’s get this party started.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Two much eliteness going on here. (See what I did?)

Welcome to another strategy session. While probably not as good as a pizza session, we’re gonna get darn close, because today, of all days, we are going to go over two-quarterback leagues. Because having Tony Romo lead your team to playoff aspirations until November rolls around and he removes the clutch from your car is not enough. Nope. We need to add the potential to both have Tony Romo and Eli Manning on the same fantasy team, which I heard is the 18th sign of the end of the world. Obama was the 16th and 17th sign on the list, if you were wondering. Yes, that’s right, two-quarterback leagues are really-really different, I can’t stress that enough. Which is why you got two really’s. Everything you know about standard and PPR formats gets thrown out the window, as you’ll see the aforementioned Tony Romo be drafted ahead of Dez Bryant in most leagues. That’s a cup of crazy, as they would say. Actually, they wouldn’t say that… I don’t think anyone has ever said that. So let’s get you primed for what is going to be the weirdest draft you’ve ever been a part of. Unless it was a salamanders in your shoes draft. That would probably top this one.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back for another strategy session, where you and I sit down, group our intellect together, and prepare to discuss fantasy football ad nauseum, and then promptly get distracted by Pornhub.com. So pretty much every other Tuesday, for me at least. We already have a Beginners Guide to Fantasy Football for those of you who had no idea fantasy football existed… I’m sure there are dozens of you. DOZENS! But now that we have the “101” stuff out of the way, now we arrive at the do’s and don’ts of a draft. As what should be pretty self explanatory, there are things that you should do, and things that you should not do. Crazy stuff, I know. Granted, these are based on my own practices and experiences, so take them for what you will. Which, frankly, should be lots. Because it’s free. Free stuff is always good. Unless it’s crayfish in your pants. That’s something that’s free, mysterious, titillating, and scary all at the same time.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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What this picture presupposes is, maybe it should be?

Welcome to the first installment of our strategy series. This journey will help prepare you for Draft day, and will likely also be filled with an assortment of snacks ranging from TWIX® candy bars and FUNYUNS®, basically what I like to call breakfast. And don’t tell me why they’re written all in caps. That’s their official “name”, so I can only assume that we are meant to shout it out every time, which, now that I think of it, seems totally natural. Q: “What are you hungry for?” A: “TWIX MOTHER F*CKER!” See what I mean? Regardless, this opening salvo of strategic knowledge (everything sounds better when weaponized) is focused for those of you who have no idea what fantasy football is or what it does. A Beginners Guide to Fantasy Football, if you will. And listen, don’t be afraid of being the noob, that’s not a derogatory title for me. It can be derogatory, but for those who do use it as a negative descriptor, just remember, they were noobs once too. We all have to start somewhere, and yes, that means you. Which is probably your mom’s basement. And if that’s the case, you’ve completed half the journey, some would say.

So, you want to play fantasy football? Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!

Please, blog, may I have some more?