Greetings! How are things? Terrible? Alllllll-Riiiiiiighty then! I had a dental appointment at 6:00 AM (more on this later), this Monday morning, so please, I beg of you, do not hold me accountable for anything inappropriate or offensive I may write in this post. I wonder, did Donald Trump give that warning before advocating a removal of all Mexican and Muslim people in the United States?… YEESH! I already own a pretty annoyingly flashy car. I GUARANTEE you that if I put a Trump sticker on that bitch, I’d get a shattered window within 24 hours. Should we test it out? I’d rather not, but I heard Jay, the greatest editor/writer in the history of sports writing, is heavily involved in Dump’s campaign, so maybe he’ll test this theory for us.

Anyway, I bet not one of you have had to get a gap filled in where you chipped a tooth when a significant other went super freak and put a dildo in your mouth… I mean, I’m always down for experimenting, and who really knows what I’ve done during my countless Molly sessions, but blow isn’t mind altering enough to get me to inhale a fake D… I’m embarrassed. I’m humiliated. I’m exhausted. Let’s talk football before these pain killers knock me out for the count.

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Getting Wired with the Elders! Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Greetings! It’s been so long since we’ve been with one another, here on the only fantasy site that truly unites people like only a game of leap frog played by naked men could do. If we’re being honest here, my life has been empty and inconsequential without you. First, it was a much needed vacation after leaving a mental health facility. Then it was a new job accompanied by the sort of sickness I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy (except Ralph). There’s only so many weeks in the fantasy football season, and with each post missed, it feels as if a piece of my soul has been torn out and stomped on by Rosie O’Donnell and Roseanne right after they hit the “All you can eat Shrimpfest” at Red Lobster. Even now, as I write this, tears are flowing down my cheekbones like urine down the face of one of R. Kelly’s 14-year-old girlfriends. I need you! If only the Elders would bless me with the attributes one needs to become a successful writer so that I could quit the ridiculously lame job I started that has ruined whatever life I had left. But you’ve got to be realistic about these things…

I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Through the Wire… That doesn’t sound right, does it? I miss Disgrace/Delight. Oh well, TAKE HEED!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Overall, it was a disastrous week in Fantasy Football, let’s face it. We saw injuries galore, some upsets, and some uninspiring performances from fantasy stars. We saw some major injuries, potentially major injuries, and that is what will be dissected in this post, to make sure you guys are making all the right moves as we move that more closely to Fantasy Football playoffs. If you’ve been following and reading my Benchwarmer’s series, you probably are first in your league anyway, but for those just joining us for this special Waiver Wire edition, let’s get to it!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here today to discuss a problem that affects us all. That problem is Peyton Manning. Let’s imagine for a moment that all of you are as dumb as the author of this article, and you drafted Manning. I drafted him a lot, like all over. So before you look at me with judgmental stares, understand I’m not very smart, and I make it usual practice to kill as many brain cells as possible. So now that we’ve established the problem (Manning), and the reasons behind it (my lack of intellectual capacity). It’s time to discuss some solutions, and how we can triage this problem. Yes, I really wanted to use “triage” in a sentence…. Let’s begin by saying it’s the Broncos bye week, so even if for some God forsaken reason you decide to hold onto old fuss and feathers, you’re going to need a fill-in. For the rest of us rational thinking normies, we need a replacement. So begins our Wavier Wire adds for Week 7.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Why can’t Chiefs fans have anything nice? First they get broken down Joe Montana and Marcus Allen, then they lose Derrick Thomas, and now this? How much can one fanbase take? Oh, sit down Dog Pound, no one wants to hear your stupid story. What did the good folks of Kansas City ever do to you football gods? All these people do is give! They give us delicious BBQ and unrelenting support to their local NFL chapter. How do we repay them for their altruism? Pain lots and lots of pain. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, welcome back from your coma. We’re now all slaves to alien masters that resemble Andy Dick…. Oh and Jamaal Charles’ knee caved like the French in WWII! As for the latter we’re all left to pickup the pieces as Charles owners. This my loyal Razzscallions is why I present to you…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’d like to begin this week’s post with a big shout out to the homie Dolphins owner Stephen Ross. Good looks on firing Philbin my man, hopefully the next coach you hire can actually use Lamar Miller. Particularly in 1st-and-goal scenarios, but I know, I’m nitpicking. Now that the hey “how’s your fathers”, and the “did you get that lump looked at” are out of the way, we can move onto talking waiver wire adds and the guys Yahoo and ESPN will tell you to pickup in two weeks. So how was everybody’s Week 4? Mine was good, I want 11-2 across my baker’s dozen of teams. Am I bragging? Maybe a little, but then again this is the first winning week I’ve had all year. Meaning I have three teams above .500. Yes, I’m the guy you go to for waiver wire news, not because I know what the hell I’m doing, but because my teams are so wretched, that I’m constantly shopping on the wire to fill my band of beleaguered flunkies. In other words, I’m not only Razzball’s resident waiver wire President, I’m also a client! Here are your adds for Week 5 of fantasy football.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Ahhhhh Fantasy Football, how I loathe you. Gentlemen and four ladies, we’re living in a world where Larry Fitzgerald, Dion Lewis, and Tyrod Taylor have more points than early rounders like DeMarco Murray, LeSean McCoy, and the bane of my existence, C.J. Anderson. Speaking of Crunk Juice Anderson, can I vent for a minute? I can? Thanks! So I’ve been playing in a league with some of my former co-workers for about nine years now. [Jay’s Note: This sounds familiar, almost as if I’ve read about this somewhere] Over the years, the league has developed into a 14 team 0.5 ppr league with two keepers that can only be kept for a single year. For the first time in the league’s history, I missed the playoffs last year. Mostly due to a costly oversight on my part where I let Marshawn Lynch go as a first-round keeper for lesser players I perceived to be “better value”. Coming into this season, I found myself in a seemingly “better” situation with C.J. Anderson essentially free as a last-round keeper. I built a rather formidable squad on paper around Anderson drafting Antonio Brown, Peyton Manning, Jimmy Graham, and Lamar Miller. Not bad right? Well I’m 0-3, and the laughing stock of the league once again. Damn you Crunk Juice! Now, I’m not going to say all of those aforementioned lads are without fault this season, but none of them have sucked quite as bad as Anderson. So here’s the question I’ll pose for today: When is it time to move on from a player you heavily invested in? I’m not there yet with Anderson, but Ronnie Hillman is sitting on my bench and I wouldn’t be upset if Anderson missed a few games with an injury. Not wishing it on the guy, but it would make it easier to move on. Right? Anyway, we got byes this week and you might need to fill in a few spots, or maybe you own a sh*tbird or two you’re looking to dump. Well, not to worry, I have plenty of suggestions to fill your voids. Wait… what?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’re only two weeks into the season Razzscallions and the QB-pocalypse is upon us. Much to the dismay of many a fantasy player, several top 12-ish quarterback options came down with somewhat significant injuries. Throwing a major road block into the grandiose plans of those with early leads coming out of the one o’clock games. Seriously marinate on that for a sec. How many managers rolling out one o’clock heroes like Antonio Brown, Jamal Charles, Dion Lewis, Gronk, and Julian Edelman were counting victories going into the four o’clock game with Tony Romo at QB? Literally tons! At work today, 2-3 of my coworkers came into “The Lifshitz’s” office looking for guidance on replacing Romo. That’s right, yours truly is an actual functioning member of society when I’m not filling the pages of three Razzball sites. (Speaking of which, go check out some real Fútbol over on RazzSoccer). Two of the three coworkers were in your standard 12-team PPR leagues, so there were plenty of viable options available (Tygod all day sun!), but the third coworker was in a slightly more difficult predicament… Co-worker number three, we’ll call him, is in a 14-team 2-QB league, and owns Romo WITH Brees. (YIKES!) He obviously came into the season with a major advantage, but here’s the problem, he has Jameis Winston as his third stringer and even Johnny Manizel is already owned. Shizzzzz, I’m freaking out just reading this. So what does this chap need to do? Who the hell can he pickup? Well Co-Worker number three, this one’s for you. Here are your Wavier Wire adds for Week 3 in Fantasy Football…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So there we have it, one week in the books and I already hate all but one of my fantasy teams. I mean I have eight, one would think I should at least like two, maybe even three, but noooooooooo… I like one. Is it me or is Fantasy Football the most frustrating thing in the world? All it takes is one week and you realize your team is awful, all your sleepers are overhyped busts, and the guys you avoided are all-pros. Two bench players and one of your first five picks is done for the season. Your quarterback looks like he couldn’t make the Montreal Alouettes, all of your running backs are on the losing end of their respective committees, and the season just started. Fantasy Football is like dating the Natasha Henstridge’s character in Species. She’s beautiful, she knows her way around for a good time, and is eager to mate. This is what I like to call the honeymoon phase following the draft. Then you find out she’s trying to mate so she can produce offspring to kill off the human race, and will probably puncture your skull with her tongue as soon as she has a chance. So let’s call the “Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue” phase Week 1. Mostly because that’s how it feels, but also because “Puncture Your Skull With Her Tongue” phase is a mouthful and Week 1 is just much shorter. So what can we do but hang our heads in shame and head to the wire to seek out suitable replacements? Here’s some of the claims I’m placing to save my fleet of sinking ships…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Salutations my loyal Razzscallions, and welcome to Razzball’s in-season coverage. Hopefully you found the place alright. After all, it is the internet and you don’t really need directions. Then again I get lost on the web all the time. In fact, for reasons unknown I always stumble onto the same site entirely by accident. Some sort of hub for porn. At least that’s what I tell the lovely Mrs. Lifshitz when she checks my history. No matter, you’re not here to learn about my trials and tribulations with technology. You’re here for the same reason as everyone else, to join me in belittling that goon Tehol Beddict and his strange love for Tyrod Taylor. I can neither confirm or deny if he’s been playing with Frank Beamer’s balls. But before we commence the Tehol bashing, let’s discuss some early season potential waiver adds to keep an eye on. Because maybe you had a few too many pops at that Labor Day BBQ, overslept the draft, and ended up with an autodrafted nightmare. Not to worry we got you covered you boozy loser.

Please, blog, may I have some more?