Have you ever shared custody of a dog with an ex-spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend? Prayfully not, my goodmen, but surely you know some poor sod who takes part in this sad and pathetic lifestyle, someone you look down upon with shame as if they were a lower form of human life. As if they, well, you know, thought sharing a dog with an ex was a solid idea. If you didn’t know someone before, you do now!! ME, Beddict, former Commander and Chief of the Players club, himself, somehow buried in this game like a rotting  casket. How did we (me) get here? There is not enough battery left in my MacBook Air (Lap top in laymen terms), to tell that tale, and thank the Elders for that, but I’ll whack ya with a few deets, just in case you want to get your beak wet…..I don’t even know what that means. 

Anyway, I have five dogs total, two with my ex in Seattle, and three with my last girlfriend in New Orleans. NOLA won’t actually speak to me, either because she despises me, that or she’s being respectful to her strange new emo- King Fiancé. All I know, is that when I stalk her Instagram every night, I NEVER SEE MY BABY JILLIAN!!! I see the other two angels, but little Jillie bean is nowhere in sight…Hmmmm, anyway, I HAD five dogs scattered across the country like dust in the wind, six if you count the dog that was mine that I gave to my Mom 14 years ago. He was so handsome, I say, “WAS,” for he was tragically killed three weeks ago, ON MY BIRTHDAY, ruining my day and in a way, my life. So I suppose we’re back to five, four if Jillian is no longer among the breathing. This led to my first ex sweetly offering to “ALLOW” me to see our two dogs for a week or so, since she felt so awful about Q-ball being run over on my birthday and all. We weren’t on speaking terms so I thought this to be a truly grand gesture of kindness………Alas, life only allows pleasant emotions for short periods of time before ripping them out with rusty machete. One week turned into 10 days, and it also turned out that she was getting married and just had nowhere else to leave the dogs since they’re too old to be left at any kennel. Married to the friend zone king who had stalked her our entire relationship, you know the type. Shit, some of you probably are the type. For me to properly draft the proper amount of ratchetness involved would take the last remaining splinters of my soul, and that, guys/gals, is too much to ask. Even of me. 

What am I going on about? This is a fantasy sports website. But isn’t that why you love (Despise) me? Below are my thoughts on this past week’s NFL games. Take heed!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Learn more about our 2018 Fantasy Football Subscriptions!

The best blend of accurate and bold weekly projections for QB/RB/WR/TE + PK + Defensive Teams and IDP as well as a kick-ass DFS lineup optimizer and projections for DraftKings, FanDuel, and Yahoo!.

I don't have enough spam, give me the Razzball email newsletter!

Finally Election Day is upon us! And I know exactly what you’re thinking: Donkey, how can I vote Marquez Valdes-Scantling onto my fantasy team when 7 different commercials just exposed him as the rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen he is? 

Fortunately for Marquez, his only opposition is Chief Geronimo Allison who’s also a rape-loving, baby-murdering, puppy-hating heathen. Geronimo also happens to fund terrorism and will miss at least 6 weeks due to core surgery. MVS is yet another in a long line of rookie wide receivers I’m recommending. He has a top QB and a clear path to targets; mark him down as a must-add in all leagues and call him a WR3 for the time being. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. Week 9 seemed to be a ho-hum week for me as your stunningly gorgeous Goddess went a mediocre 3-2. As expected, my sacrificial league was a complete and utter sh**show, but was somewhat less grotesque following a blowout in one of my money leagues. The emasculation I visited on that poor bastard is one for the ages. I may have to report to the Hague now because it really was a crime against humanity. These constant losses in my sacrificial league still do not sit well with me. Although I do not like the role of submissive, in the end life is about balance. As you know, I am willing to take one raw and dry from you, my faithful readers, with the hopes I can bring you first-hand experience on how my article subjects fare, so if that means I have to assume unfamiliar roles to keep you coming back for more each week, I am willing to do so without charging extra.

The curse managed to spare me again this week, so I am beginning to think there is something to this sacrificial league after all. I will probably jinx myself, but I have never made it this long in any season without being absolutely violated by the Curse. Of course, Fournette is still taking up oxygen while sipping Mai Tai’s on my bench, but rumor has it he plans to head back following the bye. I’ll believe that when I see it. Right now, he is more like a freeloading ex who just will not go away, but you cannot bring yourself to quit him because when he is on, he satisfies many a need for you. C’est la vie.

Wow, Week 10 already. Where has the time gone? I so enjoy our time together in the Dungeon each week and knowing we only have a few more weeks of fun together before the season ends, well, that just brings an iota of pain to my cold, dead heart. Yes, even I, your Mistress of Pain, your Dominatrix of Destruction misses you. After all, without you, I would not be able to keep the lights on in the Dungeon, and the routine bleach downs really take a hit on the wallet. Therefore, I suppose I should get to why you are here this week. I know, talk is cheap, but I am not. Without further ado, I give you Week 10, Hit it or Quit it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of Innuendo. I missed you all last week but the Dungeon was due for a scrub down. It looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in here. It was unbelievable. One just can’t seem to find good cleaning help these days.

Aside from the bleachy scrubdown, it was a pretty good week for your Mistress. I went a respectable 5-0 this week. Yep, even in my sacrificial league I managed to eke out a win with a measly 95.00 points. I am convinced the person I was playing against was either kidnapped for organ harvesting or has a huge crush on me and decided to toss me a freebie. Either way, I was very appreciative. Hopefully, if his organs were harvested, they spared the eyes, because I don’t want to lose a loyal reader, especially when I didn’t profit from black market organ sales. If it was for crush reasons, thanks, Boo!

I was once again spared this week, but it seems like the Black Widow Curse had a feast of epic proportions on her favorite meal…ACL’s. That being said, I still have Leonard Fournette squatting on my roster and not paying any rent or fees. With the bye this week, I am optimistic I can and will be able to finally whip him out next week, but we shall see.

Halloween is tomorrow, so I am ready to give you all some treats (tricks for those of you who are diabetic or have no teeth) and I am sure you are eagerly waiting to see what tidbits I toss you this week. So, ladies and gentlemen, convicts and perverts, bow before me and worship as I give you what you all came for, Week 9, Hit it or Quit It.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Absconding in solitude to a Southern Colorado cave for the past two weeks, I pondered the universe, those delicious Totino’s pizza rolls, and of course, the next great buy for your fantasy football team. Entranced in the depths of transcendental meditation that would make The Buddha blush, two syllables appeared in the ether over and over. Tre – Quan, Tre – Quan, Tre – Quan. The universe has spoken and Tre’Quan Smith must be acquired at once. The third round rookie out of Central Florida is a WR4 for now, but top 20 WR numbers for the rest of this season are well within the realm of possibilities with Ted Ginn out for the year. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. Although I want to say that I took a pounding this week, I am happy to say that it was not in Fantasy Football. Hey, you have your hobbies, and I have mine. Your Goddess went a respectable 4-1 this week, with that one loss being the sacrificial Razzball Contributor’s Black Widow League in which I opted to play the submissive, rather than the Dominatrix (I save that for my other leagues). Sometimes we all have to make sacrifices and this time I opted to throw my body upon the pyre and only pick up those I write about in that league, so I can give you firsthand experience. Alas, that league is a pathetic 0-for and it really sticks in my throat since those of you who know me know that I hate to lose. So, I opt to drown out the memory with whiskey…lots and lots of whiskey.

The curse spared me this week. How did you fare? That being said, Leonard Fournette has been sitting deep in the closet in one of my leagues and I am dying to whip him out and have some fun. Only the Black Widow knows when and if that will happen. In the meantime, I am making due with the lovely specimens which are coming my way via my other leagues. Guys, look, I honestly take no pleasure in whipping the Holy sh** out of you in your leagues week after week, but it is what you pay for, and I am a woman of the people, so…Oh, who am I kidding, I absolutely LOVE beating the Holy sh** out of you week after glorious week. It does more for me than the array of toys in that special box under my bed, and that is really saying something.

Ok, I know, I seem to be rambling while I bask in the Week 6 slain carcasses which lay before me and you didn’t pay extra for the emasculation this week, so I will move on and get to what brought you here. Ladies and Gentlemen, Convicts and Perverts, your wait is over. I give you Week 7, Hit it or Quit it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. This week has been another pound fest for your all-knowing Goddess. I went 4-1 this week and that 1 is really sticking in my…throat. See, what many of you are not aware of is I am a giver. And being such I made the decision in my Razzball RCL this year to stock my team with nothing but sleepers and waiver wire meat. As a result, I am currently 0-5 in that league with it not looking up anytime soon. C’est la vie. Let it be known that I like to give you all your money’s worth and emasculating men in every one of my leagues (albeit fun for me) does not help my reading base grow. And if there is one thing you, my faithful Horde know, is that I am quite the master of making things grow.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Back in kindergarten I was a real ladies donkey. All the other little donkeys were worried about catching cooties, but not ole Donkey Teeth. Your boy was busy scheduling play dates with all the kindergarten hotties; there was little time to worry about contracting the cooties, in fact, Donkey Teeth wanted those cooties.

Fast forward a quarter century, and while it seems my prowess with the ladies may have peaked a little early, I’m still trying to catch all the cooties I can: Keke Coutee that is (proper pronunciation is cue-Tee, but cut me a little slack). Coutee, the fourth round rookie out of Texas Tech, set a modern day record with 11 catches in his debut this week. Will Fuller’s hamstrings are literally held together by black forest ham and some strings; if Fuller misses more time, Coutee could be in for some monster weeks. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy football:
Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back, my Lovelies, to another e-rousing week of Hit it or Quit it, with Yours Truly, your Goddess of innuendo. I have to tell you right now, I am about ¾ of a bottle in on this Jameson, so I cannot be held responsible for any advice you may decide to take today.

Well, it has been a rough weekend on many counts for your Goddess this week and none of that rough play was fun in any way, shape, or form. The beatings I took this week make Fifty Shades of Grey look like a Judy Blume book. IF you don’t know who Judy Blume is it’s because you are not a girl and did not have to rely on a book to talk to you about your period. But I digress. Yeah, it was a tough one all around and I went a sad 2-3 this week in all of my leagues, but those two wins were nothing to flaunt. But, hey, it is what it is. The fantasy gods giveth, and they also taketh away. Is it just me or does it seem like this season is getting off (giggity) to a rather bumpy start? Lots of handsy fumblings in the dark kind of bumpy. Great, now I am having high school party flashbacks…or was that Saturday night? Anyway, it has been a mess and I can say for me, this season has not been very enjoyable. Thank God I have that box of toys under my bed to perk my spirits up. Oh, what would I do without you? Probably throw myself into a precipice, but again, I digress. So, let’s get down to the meat and bones of why you are here. You are here, again, because you love me and, let’s face it, you need to suckle at the teat for the weekly nourishment I offer. Go ahead, tell me I am wrong…I’ll wait. Right, I didn’t think so. So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, convicts and peepers I give you Week 5’s Hit It or Quit It (sponsored by Irish Whiskey). Enjoy the feast.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Heading into Week 4, we can all agree on one thing: Josh Allen looks absolutely amazing in shorts. He is fully trusting the process the Bills and Sean McDermott have been preaching. The Titans currently have zero healthy QB’s, but that won’t stop them from being tied for the division lead in the AFC South. Dallas still stinks at throwing the ball to the point where they should be looking at QB’s in the upcoming draft. Also, the Cowboys have 4 TD’s on the entire season. So there’s that. Let’s get into some of the important games this weekend for fantasy.

Please, blog, may I have some more?