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My main takeaway from Week 9 of Thursday Night Football is that the Houston Texans have a lot of players that I have never heard of. That either means I’m really bad at my job, or that the Houston front office is even more lackluster at theirs. Four tight ends in this game were projected to score fantasy points, including the Texans’ Jordan Akins and some guy named Brevin Jordan. But it was in fact TE Teagan Quitoriano, projected for zero points in this matchup, who put Houston ahead, 7-0, with a two-yard touchdown reception from QB Davis Mills in the first quarter. Also of news: the Texans have players named Chris Moore (4 receptions, 43 yards, 1 TD) and Tyron Johnson (1 reception, eight yards). This is a real thing. On the Eagles’ side, QB Jalen Hurts (21-27, 243 yards, 2 TD; 9 carries, 23 yards) and WR A.J. Brown (4 receptions, 59 yards, 1 TD) were up to their usual tricks, but it was TE Dallas Goedert (8 receptions, 100 yards, 1 TD) and RB Miles Sanders (17 carries, 93 yards, 1 TD) who really kicked HC Lovie Smith (1 really white beard, 1 win, 6 losses) in the crotch.

Here’s what else I saw in another riveting edition of Thursday Night Football.

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On Broadway and in your community center production of Hamilton, a “triple threat” is somebody who can sing, dance, and act. Oh, you thought I was threatening you because it’s Halloween? No, no, no! I have something much scarier than a bedsheet ghost costume to present to you: it’s a player who can run, pass, and catch! On Sunday, our favorite comeback kid Christian McCaffrey scored touchdowns by rushing, receiving, and passing. Of course in an offense with Jimmy Garoppolo, it would take a brand new running back to actually throw a passing TD, amirite? With the days of Kordell Stewart and Antwan Randle-El long gone, could we have the next — dare I say Joe Webb? — could we have the next great gadget player in Christian McCaffrey? 

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So, uh, how about them Bucs? One of the great discussions of sports fandom is: “When do you walk away from the game.” Eli Manning walked away in 2019 at the age of 38; his big brother Peyton left the NFL in 2015 at the age of 39. Big Ben? 39. Drew Brees? 41. You can see a trend here. At a certain point, there’s a point where “the magic” isn’t there anymore.

This week, we watched 45-year-old Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lose to the Carolina Panthers, a team that has fired its head coach and is in the process of trading away every player of any seeming value for draft picks. At the same time, we watched 39-year-old Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers let the Washington Commanders go on a 23-0 run and hold the lead. Taylor Heinicke beat Aaron Rodgers, and Tom Brady has been beaten by Mitch Trubisky and PJ Walker in consecutive weeks. 

I’m not here to bury Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers — there are greater sportswriters who will write that eulogy. But part of the job for statistical crunchers is to, at the very least, to serve as a sort of analytical mortician. We tell you when a player is statistically “coming back to life” or “ready for the grave.” It’s never easy to say that the greats — and perhaps the greatest in Tom Brady — are done, especially for your fantasy team. But I’ve checked the stats, made a list, and contacted the ancestors via my ouija board. None of the news is good. 

Here I am not to eulogize your childhood idols, but to write about D’Onta Foreman, Idolslayer. 

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Thank you, football gods! Al Michaels and Kirk Herbstreit called so many touchdowns last night that there might not be enough on-air material left for the remainder of the season. That’s what the youths call Herb-Al medication. Luckily for us, that provides a lot of cargo to unpack from the Week 7 edition of Thursday Night Football. Andy Dalton had his highs and lows, but the real stars were Juwan Johnson and Eno Benjamin, of course, just as we all saw in the tea leaves. Of course, it would be a crime not to mention the impressive return of DeAndre Hopkins, who immediately received 14 targets and converted that into 10 catches for 103 yards. Here’s what else I saw on Thursday Night Football in Week 7.

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Earlier in the pre-season, I talked about the importance of staggering your fantasy football beats, much like J Dilla took his programmed hip-hop beats and swung them into a new genre. Sure, it’s easy enough to say, “Draft good guys,” but it’s also important to have players who fill roles when the veterans disappear or the good guys go bad. It’s like The Avengers series — you need enough characters to carry the franchise so that when there’s a snap…you get the idea. For every Black Panther, we need an Ant Man to move the series forward. You just keep rolling with the B-squad until the third act, and then fantasy glory is at hand! 

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There comes a moment in everyone’s life when they sigh deeply and think to themselves, Man, I’m sure not good at football, but I wouldn’t have thrown that pass directly into a defensive lineman’s forehead. For a lot of us, that moment came to fruition last night. With an open Cole Kmet in the front of the end zone, Justin Fields rifled a throw right into the dome of Efe Obada, causing the ball to skyrocket into the air and come down into the hands of Jonathan Allen for an interception. That proved to be Fields’ lone turnover of the night, but that miscue coupled with Velus Jones’ muffed punt in the fourth quarter was ultimately Chicago’s downfall. And once again, we find ourselves wondering if the NFL’s Thursday Night Football could possibly get any harder to watch, and I find myself debating what I did to Donkey Teeth to deserve being stuck with writing about this travesty week after week. But complaining is for the weak, so onward we trudge into the abysmal abyss!

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There was some stat floating around the internet that caught my eye, much like that YouTube video that explains in excruciating detail the sharpest tuna-cutting knife on David Attenborough’s Planet Earth. Now that I’ve lost you in 8 sub-clauses and some exciting tuna talk, I’ll reveal the stat: The Detroit Lions — yes, the Motor City Kitties — were the top-scoring team in the league and had only one win to show for it. Your fantasy teams squealed in delight as Jared Goff and Jamaal Williams — your pre-season all-stars, right? — racked up points and millions of bucks for DFS teams. This week, the Lions faced the Patriots, helmed by the esteemed backup to the backup Bailey Zappe. Shoulda been a slam dunk, right? Well, 161 ground yards by Rhamondre Stevenson later, the Lions got shut out, and Zappe got his first career win, a mere week after nearly felling the great ayahuasca plant that is Aaron Rodgers. 

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Frank Reich adjusted his bifocles, inhaled a deep breath filled with mile-high air, and stared endlessly into the eyes of Nathaniel Hackett. The newly-minted Denver Broncos head coach didn’t flinch. Instead, he extended his right hand, embraced Frank and whispered, “Three-pointers only. Deal.” They shook. They cackled in unison. And the rest was history: another dreadful Thursday Night Football game highlighted by zero touchdowns and a concerning brain injury on the national stage. And I’m making no joke of that last part. Once again, it was a bad look for the NFL, as Nyheim Hines sustained a hit from several Denver defenders and was unable to stand under his own power upon getting up. He was noticeably wobbly as teammates helped him off the field. His status will need to be monitored moving forward, especially since it was clear Indianpolis was going to lean on him in Jonathan Taylor’s absence — feeding him on each of the first three plays from scrimmage. But enough is enough. Here’s what else happened on Thursday night.

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Actual transcript from Razzball Twitter Chat: 

CoolwhipRB: “Dameon Pierce! [eyes emoji] Free title: Pierce the Veil!” 

EverywhereBlair: “But I don’t listen to metalcore, I’m more a progressive djent guy. Can I name it Pier-riphery? Also, now I have to write about Dameon Pierce.” 

If you’ve been around fantasy football a while, you know there are weeks like these where all the projections fail and the contrarians run amok. Did you have Geno Smith vs the Lions backups going for nearly 100 overall points? Leading rusher Rashaad Penny — who out-rushed Derrick Henry and Jonathan Taylor combined? 60-yard field goals (and nearly 2 of them in the same game!)? Something called Bailey Zappe helming the esteemed New England Patriots? It’s OK, these weeks happen. Sometimes there’s a crack in the world that you can peer through to see what it really is — backups all the way down. 

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I had the beginnings of a witty lede typed up prior to Thursday night’s matchup between the Dolphins and Bengals in Cincy, but it didn’t seem appropriate to run with after the second quarter head/neck injury sustained by Miami QB Tua Tagovailoa. In what has been a breakout season for the former No. 5 overall pick, Tua was taken off the field via a stretcher after a hit delivered by DT Josh Tupou rendered him unconcious due to a neurological injury. Tua’s status certainly has fantasy ramifications that stretch across the entire Miami team, but the primary concern is for Tagovailoa’s personal well being and overall health as it relates to life outside of football. In the interim, backup QB Teddy Bridgewater instantly becomes an option in two-QB leagues should Tua be in line to miss time. We’ll unpack the rest of Week 4 of Thursday Night Football below, but continue to monitor this situation moving forward.

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Sometime in the Third Egyptian Dynasty, back when humanity was a teenager and kept skipping school, the legendary pharaoh Drew Bledsoe fell in battle and his general, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., took the reins of the empire. Fast forward 17 dynasties and 9 Star Wars movies later, and Tom Brady continues to lord over the football empire that was once the possession of Drew Bledsoe. Now I’m not saying that we’re seeing the next Tom Brady in the form of Khalil Herbert, but a mid-game injury to incumbent Bears RB David Montgomery opened the way to Khalil Herbet to rush for 157 yards on 20 attempts. Sure, it was against the Houston Texans, but we’re so desperate for an RB2 that we’ll take literally any warm body that we can find. 

While we were all wondering whether Justin Herbert would take the field on Sunday, our attention really should have been on Khalil Herbert. What should you do in week 4? 

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