Where my RazzBowlers at? No, not you fine-looking gentlemen in the front in your bowler hats — y’all simmer down with your fancy headwear. I’m talking about the roughest, toughest imaginary sports managers out there: my RazzBowl peeps. I’m gonna need your powers of manifestation to propel me two spots ahead into the final cutline. Come on, will Tyler Conklin to fantasy glory! OK, OK, my team looks like The Walking Dead, but at least I’m a survivor. Part of my “still in it to win it” status derives from the fact that I get to write this sweet “injury report” every week. As long as y’all are still showing up, I’ll show up and help out. If we run out of steam and I enter my full winter hibernation, then feel free to swing back to this article as the weeks pass and ask questions. Unlike your thankless dog that will wag its tail for any ol’ Joe that drops a handful of steak, I’m still here for you! 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Everybody having leftovers of that Thanksgiving turphucken? You know, that duck stuffed inside a chicken stuffed inside a pheasant stuffed inside a turkey? Is it even possible to cook something like that without introducing massive listeria problems? How about I just write the inevitable outcome of Thanksgiving football: Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson are gonna run real hard next week because they’ve got food poisoning and need to get off the field. But for the rest of us who ate our feasts the way Yahweh intended — in the form of a takeout burrito bowl and gas station beer — we’re ready to keep chugging and plugging in players on our rosters. 

Oh, speaking of plugging and chugging [dramatic pause for effect], Coolwhip and I are vying to make the cutline in the RazzBowl. I had this really DFS-brain idea that I would start Damien Harris to make myself different from the field. And I’m sure gonna look different after those 16-yards Harris ripped off before leaving the game on crutches and being so hurt that he couldn’t wear his pants. Me too after Thanksgiving, Damien, me too. Let me know if you’re rooting for me or Coolwhip down in the comments. 

And a quick “change of programming” note — I’ll be doing the weekly injury report as my only article each week to finish out the season. “The season” is also somewhat flexible — sometime in the next month, let’s say. You’re always free to revisit my articles and ask questions in the comments. Between my various Razzball duties, I’ve skipped only 3 deadlines across 3 sports in the past 3 years (333…I’m half-bestial!), and I need some time to take a break. Please support any of the writers who step in during my winter hibernation and feed them apples and fish heads to show your support. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Twitter was about to shut down the other night when the world realized that Adam Schefter is not just a media reporter, but a utility for the public. He carries the burden of football newsmaking the same way a lineman — no, not the kind you see in football — wakes up at 2 in the morning during a thunderstorm to raise his bucket to the sky and keep the lights on. Schefter’s tweets keep the social media world afloat, and we thank him for keeping Twitter safe for another night. 

Let’s see what Schefter had for us today [loads Twitter, gets distracted by picture of Grey wearing aviators]. Here we go! Ja’Marr Chase is still out. The frack? I thought I was here for the public good? Who am I supposed to start now? 

Maybe you’re like me and riding the Tyler Boyd train this week. Maybe you’re not like me and have some healthy running backs. Either way, let’s see if we can save your team as the playoffs approach.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I mean I’m no Grey’s Anatomy expert. Wait, actually I am! Remember that time Meredith Grey un-died for the sixth time after being saved by her third surprise half-sister? I suppose after watching 15 seasons of a medical drama, I’m probably an expert on health issues, such as the [checks notes] ulnar collateral ligament. Gross! Why did I ever agree to do the injury report if I can’t even spell out body parts? OK, EWB, time to soldier through, just like Meredith’s biological sister when she…oh! I almost spoiled McSteamy for you! So, instead of waxing poetic about my favorite soap opera / medical drama, let’s jump in to the stuff you’re actually here for: discussions of frayed elbow ligaments. 

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As our esteemed experts in Final Fantasy have pointed out, the Nightmare is a demonic colt that will flatten you with cloven hooves, a fiery mane, and gnashing teeth scarred from Halloween candy. A nightmare is also trying to figure out what to do with your fantasy football team now that Jonathan Taylor is out — AGAIN. Aw, Hufflepuff. The fantasy football season is halfway done, and you can barely call your usage of your top RB “fun-sized.” 

Let’ s jump into the fray and see if there’s anything we can do to solve your injury and roster woes for the upcoming week! 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This week, the esteemed ex-girlfriend of the guy who convinced us that “Neon” is the hardest song to play on guitar released an album. People say it’s good. I wouldn’t know, what with my ears ruined by Norwegian black metal. But are you here to learn about a drone on a drop-tuned C string or are you here to learn about D’Andre Swift? Probably the latter. ENYWHEY. Just like Taylor Swift released an album this week, our good friend and fantasy football savior D’Andre Swift has been released from the injured list. Just in time for our 1-6 team to be saved! Hooray! 

Now, let’s join and commiserate about how we lost Ja’Marr Chase. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What do you call it when a bunch of teams are on BYE, Christian McCaffrey is traded, and J.K. Dobbins is gonna miss half the year? I dunno. You’re gonna have to speak louder because the sounds of my sobbing are drowning you out. 

Much like our esteemed Thursday Night Football writer Hobbs once wrote, “Fantasy football is nasty, brutish, and short.” Civilization is breaking down at the seams and we’re all in our natural state, foraging for running backs wherever we can find them.

Let’s jump in and see if we can avoid any pitfalls this week. Also, because I’m super nice, I’m going to toss in some quick take analysis on the more significant roster moves.  

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Sometimes I wonder why we even worry about injury reports. Take Thursday Night Football for example — two teams that were as healthy as could be. Even the miraculous “got shot 2 months ago and is already the starting RB Brian Robinson” was there. And what did we get for Amazon’s 11 billion dollar investment in TNF? The Commanders topping the Bears in the most baseball-like 12-7 game you could imagine. Bookies literally paid out the under at the start of the 4th quarter — they didn’t even wait for the end of the game. Carson Wentz with a field of healthy receivers against the freaking Chicago Bears couldn’t top 100 yards passing. Like, who cares about injuries if the freaking starters aren’t even playing. We all saw the Justin Fields meme of him literally meditating and checking out in the middle of the game. 

Namaste, friends. Seek the center. 

So let’s consider the power of change, and see what we can do for all of you who are missing essential players this week. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The year is 2022. Yogurt is $6 a quart. Starbucks is one of the top 10 largest banks in the world. And all of your fantasy teams are daggered because you drafted Kyle Pitts in the second round. Every team, every time: Pitts, Pitts, Pitts. It was like you were drafting your team based on lithium futures. Now we’re 25% of the way through the season, and you’ve got a 1-3 record (you swear it’s Jameis Winston’s fault) and Kyle Pitts has seen fewer passes than me at Fantasy Football Singles Night (fortunately for you, I’m taken). Now, you’ll need to navigate Week 5 without the Tight End you love to worry about. It’s — literally — the Pitts. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“The Amen Break” is probably the most popular drum beat in Western music. If you sat down right now behind a drum kit, you’d try to play it. You’d sound like Oscar the Grouch smashing trash cans, but you’d still try, at least. Meanwhile, “The Amon Break” is the respite from Amon-Ra St. Brown that you’ll feel acutely this week, akin to something like a bad hangover from off-brand tequila. Sure you had fun, but now that’s done and you’re ready to spend the next 8 hours watching HBO you’re “sharing” with your cousin who hasn’t paid rent in three months because his crypto account froze during the downturn. Sure, Kyle, we’ll see your OneCoin investments come to fruition in 2023. But for the rest of us? We’re just trying to get through the week with out Amon-Ra. 

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My sincere apologies to all twelve of my readers for my lackluster effort in last week’s injury report article, where I clearly had no idea what I was doing. An eagle-eyed reader on Reddit pointed to my deficiencies, which were many, and indicated that he — I assume it was a he because he liked to participate in the Tinder subreddit — regretted giving us a click. 

Razzball execs spent the past week discussing how we would manage without that 1/132nd of a cent of ad revenue that we would no longer receive. However, the “Blair has no clue” Zoom meeting ended early when FantasyPros returned their weekly ranks. Guess who topped the running back rankings in week 2? Oh, look, it me. 

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Sometime in the year of our lord Twenty and Blackjack, Razzball’s esteemed podcaster BDon went public with the most heinous thought crime imaginable: he was an anti-Daxxer. He’s even got it in his Twitter profile. And he’s not limited to just Dak Prescott. He hates Dax Shephard. He hates Jadzia Dax. Don’t even get him started on Dakota Fanning. But now, with the great DP on the fantasy football shelf for the next couple months due to a hand injury, BDon has been swaggering around more than usual. Just the other day he posted in group chat a picture of a venti Latte! The nerve! 

I suppose we should talk about injuries, though, right? That’s what you’re here for: that good old-fashioned injury pr0n. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?