Razzbowl drafts combine all aspects of fantasy football, including a Bestball format in Weeks 1-9 plus a manager-selected lineup format once the playoffs begin in Week 10. Add in a $10 free agent budget (with no $0 bids) for Weeks 1-10 just for some spice in your life. It’s full PPR but also 6 points per quarterback touchdown. You don’t have to worry about kickers and defense, but all that means is by round 20 the skill position players are looking mighty thin. How can I possible attack a draft like this? The draft strategies in this tournament are as diverse as the league rules, and it’s especially challenging considering the level of competition in each league.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I welcome you to THE RAZZBOWL!

I will be your humble host for the duration of the tournament. Who am I, you ask? I am the Official Certified Sommelier of Fantasy Football Twitter!

But you can call me Steve.

OK, so there is no official position of “Official Certified Sommelier of Fantasy Football Twitter” but I have been trying to blend my dual passions of fantasy football and wine for many years, like a fine meritage, and I simply decided to stop waiting for the opportunity!

When Donkey Teeth asked me to handle the RazzBowl updates this year, I jumped at the opportunity. What better way to finally bring the worlds of wine and fantasy football together than by hijacking a completely unrelated tournament for my own purposes?!

So here’s how this is going to work: this week and next, I’ll take you through my picks in RazzBowl League 16, and each player will be compared to a wine. Sometimes a grape variety, sometimes a region, and sometimes, even, a specific producer’s specific vintage.

Why, you ask?

Don’t ask. Just enjoy.

By way of a primer, I am selecting from the 8th pick slot. I decided before I began to draft a balanced team as recommended by our very own everywhereblair in his 2021 RazzBowl Guidebook, and more specifically, decided that unless the draft just refused to cooperate, I would target taking a running back in the first round, and a total of three through the first six rounds. Below you’ll find my pick for each round, some manner of rationalization for them, a 2021 projection provided by our own Rudy Gamble, and my pairing, as it were.

Without further ado: rounds 1-10.

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Throughout the ages there have been countless pieces of legendary kitchenware. There was of course that Holy Grail, from which Jesus and his disciples suckled the sweet nectars of enlightenment. Then later there was George II’s silver coffee pot which recently sold for $7 million. And can’t forget Harry Potter’s Goblet of Fire either. Now there’s a new piece of silver-like-material garnering the attention of the world: The RazzBowl. As 189 of the top fantasy analysts in the universe went to battle against 63 of the hungriest fantasy football fans in the multiverse, your benefactor (that’s me, Donkey Teeth) found himself surrounded by wolves and sharks in the early rounds of his RazzBowl draft. Jake Ciely had a crazy look in his eye as he stole Saquon Barkley at pick 8. Rob Waziak took to mental warfare, milking the clock down to fractions of decimals of milliseconds before swiping Diontae Johnson in the 4th round as he lulled the rest of the league into a deep slumber. Joe Bond woke us up by rattling off clever penis inspired league names in an effort to win a free Rotowear t-shirt. All the while I cowered, shaking in the corner, wondering how early I might have to reach for Kerryon Johnson is this league of the undead and unloved. Anyway, here’s the first four rounds of our 2021 RazzBowl draft:

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Razzbowl Guidebook

Welcome, welcome, welcome! If I say it three times into the mirror, the Fantasyman comes and gives me Dalvin Cook at 1.12. There’s not even a supernatural catch! ENYWHEY. Welcome to the 2021 RazzBowl, which was voted by the Razzball staff to be “The Most Important Industry/Fan Better Ball Cutline Season-Long Fantasy Football Tournament” three years running! But maybe you’re thinking, “I’m one of those ‘industry’ folx who just has a schtick and doesn’t have any real imaginary football cred,” or you’re thinking, “I’m just a fan — it’s time to seize the day!” Wherever you land in the scope of imaginary football management, I’m here to point you in the right direction to help your draft, help your in-season play experience, and level up your game to the metaphorical “next level.” Meet me after the jump and I’ll give you everything you need to know to succeed! 

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What is up every baller!? We here at Razzball have been working tirelessly behind the scenes to prepare the next RazzBowl for you! Let’s jump over to our fearless leader DonkeyTeeth for the 2021 update! 

[camera cuts to DT, who is pouring a can of Pepsi into his Cheerios at breakfast] 

Well, well, well! I suppose I should have warned Mr. Teeth about our meeting today. But never fear, for I know that scene you just saw was fake news. DonkeyTeeth is a Dr. Pepper man! I suppose I can catch you up on the updates instead. Like, the 2021 RazzBowl is powered by imagination! Whee! And we have backing from financial sponsors [checks notes] Bernie Madoff and Martha Stewart. Wow, what celebrity power! I better stop while I’m ahead. Let’s get to the specifics and get you signed up for your free shot at fantasy super-stardom! 

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What is up everybody?! Here we are, with Week 17 of the NFL season finished up and all fantasy football leagues crowning their champion. In the RazzBowl — the biggest pros-vs-joes best ball tournament out there — the champion crown went to a fan, Jerry Janiga! 

Way back in August, over 200 fantasy footballers drafted teams for the second RazzBowl. The field was whittled down to ten fantasy footballers by Week 16, and Jerry fended off industry experts Ari Engel, Matthew Stevens, and our own Donkey Teeth to claim the RazzBowl trophy.  Jerry was locked in a weekly battle with fellow fan Joey Wright for the #1 spot, and with the addition of Mick Ciallela from Fantrax, Jerry, Joey, and Mick controlled the #1 spot in the RazzBowl competition for about 80% of the tournament, making it a true battle for first place. In the end, Jerry won the RazzBowl by 7 points over Ari Engel, who had a leading 196 points in the final week. Thankfully for Jerry, the nature of the RazzBowl cutline scoring gave him the edge and the championship because he had higher scoring lineups in the best ball portion of the competition from weeks 1-9 and also better lineups in the playoff cutlines from Weeks 10-15. 

Despite the situation with [waves hands around] all of this, more fantasy footballers than ever signed up for the RazzBowl, and we’re thankful to all the industry sponsors, as well as the industry players and fans who played. Special thanks go to the NFC for hosting this event and calculating all the scores for us. 

Let’s celebrate Jerry’s victory with a little socially distanced interview!

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It was ten minutes to midnight. 

In a broken-down semi-trailer somewhere in chilly northern Maine, where the Yahoo Fantasy Sports server farm operated, The Joey Wright sat, tied to a chair. A makeshift window had been cut in the metal of the semi-trailer, where he had a front-row seat to the impending destruction.

“You met me at a very weird time in my life, Joey,” a voice said in the darkness of the semi-trailer. 

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Welcome, welcome! It’s the championship week of the RazzBowl, so I’m sure there’s a couple new bandwagon followers reading this series for the first time. If you’re new here, let me tell you how this works: 15 weeks ago, over two hundred of the best fantasy footballers drafted teams and then ran the gauntlet of best ball, weekly scoring, and cutlines. Now, we are left with ten teams comprised of managers who didn’t draft Leonard Fournette competing for the Razz Bowl trophy, a bunch of merch, Rudy’s Sweet Tools, and the most important thing: internet validation. 

To help everybody get familiar with the championship players, I’m profiling them just like I would a real football player. Let’s get to know the championship tier! 

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After the third mantra of forgiveness, Donkey Teeth realized that what he was about to do was, in fact, inhuman nature. With his mind on a trophy and his heart filled with envy, he opened the door to his podcasting station. He picked up the iPhone that had Grey on speed dial, and he turned it off. “Won’t be needing that where I’m going,” he thought to himself. With a flick of his wrist he powered on the Razz-pooter, the super-workstation that powered the Razzball media empire. He minimized his windows of rankings, leaving only the 8K background visible: the giant, smiling face of Pat Fitzmaurice. “I’ll avenge you, friend.” Donkey Teeth whispered while he loaded up Twitter. 

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It was a dark and stormy morning. Aspiring fantasy writer Jerry Janiga sang the body electric at his typewriter, the words flowing through him. It was his fantasy football manifesto, “Catch Without Kickers.” He pulled out a notepad from his hotel drawer and quickly scrawled notes over its surface. Beneath the Holiday Inn Express branding, he sketched out his ideas for a winning team with Sam Darnold at quarterback. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?