I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning (except Thanksgiving week!) for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

 Texans (-3) at Lions

Forecast: Thanksgiving wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a crappy Lions team playing in the morning game and your drunk Uncle Arlo yelling about his all-time favorite Lions player, Whizzer White. This is a matchup of Belichick minions with Matt Patricia and Romeo Crennel facing off—think we know who has the advantage. In honor of the holiday, Patricia will dress up as a turkey. Little does the Lions’ coach know, Matthew Stafford has a debilitating fear of turkeys—meleagrisphobia, it’s a real thing. When Stafford sees the enormous bird gobbling away on his sideline, he’ll run for the locker-room and never look back. With Chase Daniel tagging in for their meleagrisphobic QB, Detroit won’t stand a chance against J.J. Watt and the hungry Texans. Texans 31, Lions 17

Wager:  Texans -3 (4 Units)

2020 Season: 2-9 (-4.65 Units) 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 12 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $5.99 for the rest of the season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Happy Thanksgiving week, y’all. You might be thinking that this post came out a little earlier than usual and you would be correct. You’re so observant. With turkey day on Thursday, Donkey Teeth and I are putting out rankings out a little earlier this week for your convenience. I will also be putting out my start and sit for week 12 tomorrow afternoon. 

Quite frankly, Thursday’s slate is terrible. I was looking forward to Ravens-Steelers until, you know, the best room on the Ravens’ offense was ravaged with Covid. The Lions suck, the Texans almost suck, the Cowboys suck, and WFT sucks. But, at least it’s football. Here are my early rankings for week 12. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Arizona Cardinals (+3) at Seattle Seahawks 

Forecast: Kyler Murray. That’s it, that’s the forecast. What, you want more? Sorry, I’m a little distracted; I spent all day trying to figure out how to inject Kyler Murray highlights into my veins. Actually, I spent the first hour of the day trying to figure that out and then the next 10 hours in the emergency room. Turns out it’s “not safe” to insert an HDMI cable into your forearm. Psssh. The medical professionals recommend I continue to ingest my Kyler highlights thru the eye holes only. What do doctors know? I have big plans for rectal consumption of Thursday night’s game where Kyler will show off his culinary skills making Russell Wilson look like my Aunt Mildred who can’t even cook a frozen pizza. The Cardinals will come out of Thursday alone in first place in the NFC West, just another step toward that Lombardi Trophy I predicted Kyler would hoist back in the preseason. Cardinals 31, Seahawks 21 

Wager:  Cardinals ML +140 (1 Unit)

2020 Season: 2-8 (-3.65 Units) 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 11 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $17.95 for the full season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s Jameis Winston week! I’ve been waiting all season for this. I had a dream last night. It was Mr. 30/30 himself driving down the field. He threw a pick six on the first series to get it out of his way. Normal stuff. The Saints are driving down the field and the Falcons don’t have an answer for this drive. It’s 2nd and 2 at the Falcons’ 11 yard line and wouldn’t you know it, frickin’ Taysom Hill comes in. Taysom jukes, breaks a tackle, touchdown. Taysom Hill ruins everything, including my Jameis dreams. It was only a dream! I have Jameis as my QB6 in a game that the Saints should dominate. You can find the rest of my rankings below. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Indianapolis Colts (-2) at Tennessee Titans 

Forecast: That makes two straight winners against the spread after the 0-7 start, I’m really ruining my draft pick now! It’s Philly Rivers and his 28 kids, headed to clown in Nashtown this week. I know what you’re thinking: how did the Rivers family gain another 10 kids in the past couple weeks? Philip and Tiffany obviously get busy like bunnies. And much like bunnies, they also birth baby litters of 5-10. You’d think by now Philip Rivers would be used to having a bunch of newborns at home, but it turns out you never get used to decuplets. After 17 straight days of non-stop diaper sniffing, and six minutes total sleep, Rivers will be a shot-putting zombie against the Titans Thursday night. Look for Vrabel and his COVID carrying group for goons to take full advantage. Keep a close eye out for the guy on the toilet in the background. Titans 31, Colts 21

Wager:  Titans -2 (1 Unit)

2020 Season: 2-7 (-2.55 Units) 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 10 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $17.95 for the full season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The NFL approved a 16 playoff team format in the event that games get cancelled. It makes sense, I guess. There were 56 new cases of Covid around the NFL in the first week of November. We’re really reaching the danger zone, folks. On the bright side, when things have looked grim earlier in the season, most of the games have been played outside of a few exceptions. Do you guys and gals have a plan for your fantasy leagues if things get really bad? No seriously, I’m curious because I don’t and I probably need to. We can go ahead and dive right in to the week 10 rankings.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Just your standard week in the never ending year 2020, right? This presidential election was the most intense race since I ran for student council president against Dong Johnson. My platform of pizza roll Fridays kept the vote interesting, but at the end of the day I never really had a chance against a dude named Dong. Heck, I even voted for Dong; Johnson was just too smooth. Speaking of dong, Marquez Valdes-Scantling whipped his out on Thursday night as he caught 2 catches for 53 yards and his 2nd and 3rd touchdowns of the season. I won’t tell you to rush out and grab MVS, nor his dong, in your 10-team league because the 49ers skeleton defense was sketchier than my Richie Incognito Halloween costume. Also, Allen Lazard with probably return from his core injury next week. But kudos to you if you were desperate enough to start Valdes-Scantling this week. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy football:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I just snuck out of a court ordered gambling rehab facility to write this post, so I’ll have to be brief. After I was arrested for stealing old ladies’ purses from the retirement home down the block to fund my string of Arizona Cardinals’ Super Bowl wagers (a 50:1 lock!), the judge sentenced me to 6 month’s of in-patient rehab. Since I’ll be releasing my weekly fantasy football rankings each Thursday morning for the duration of the season, I’ve decided to throw in some bonus bold Thursday Night Football predictions along with my expertly handicapped pick for the contest:

Green Bay Packers (-6) at San Francisco 49ers 

Forecast: It was fun while it lasted, but the winless streak has finally come to an end. I’m now officially better at picking Thursday night spreads than the Jets are at playing football; 1-16 here we come! This week A-A-Ron will be right at home in San Francisco, if you know what I mean. Because he likes men. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. With the serial killer Dexter Williams and Dr. (Tyler) Ervin the only options left in the backfield, there should be plenty of man meat for Rodgers to feast on down by the bay. The quarterback will pick right back up where he left off the past two weeks, by discount double checking Davante Adams for three touchdowns and, more importantly, 12 ass-pats. The 49ers and their 8th sting crew of misfits better lube up, it’s going to be a long night. Packers 31, 49ers 14

Wager: Packers -6 (5 Units)

2020 Season: 1-7 (-7.55 Units) 

Anyway, here’s my fantasy football rankings for week 9 which will be frequently updated until Sunday kickoff:

*If you’d like more robotic weekly rankings with projections, check out Rudy’s Pigskinonator which is available on a free trial and then only $17.95 for the full season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m typing this out at 5 o’clock because I’m probably going to be glued to my TV like the rest of America. At 8 P.M. central standard time on ESPN2 Pogopalooza 2020: The World Championships will finally air. The world’s best pogo athletes will compete for gold in best trick, high jump, and big air. What’s the difference between high jump and big air? I have no clue, but I’m about to find out here in a few hours.

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Week 8 will again bring a big shakeup to the weekly rankings universe as we try to dissect what the fall out of key injuries will be for offenses. That is by far the toughest part of weekly rankings. Sure, there are the same names every week that move a few spots up or a few spots down based on recent form and matchup, but the injury bug makes every week look so much different outside of quarterback. 

As you know, the injury report is always developing which is why I’m going to reiterate the importance of checking back with this post as the week progresses. I also shift the names around on Saturday and Sunday while I dive more and more into games progressively through the week. My final product can be found in my weekly Sunday Primer. The teams on byes this week are Washington Football Team, Arizona Cardinals, Jacksonville Jaguars, and the Houston Texans. Here is an early look at my rankings for week 8. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?