Gronk, my savior. My gallant knight in shining armor riding his mighty steed coming to rescue me, his distressed virgin maiden. That’s two weeks in a row now that Gronk has saved me from fantasy extinction, and I owe him my sanity for it. In all of my days, I’ve never witnessed a tight end that seemingly breaks a tackle on every single reception. Sorta like how Kanye West seemingly says something incredibly moronic every time he opens his mouth or puts on a new skirt. It’s quite incredible, really. It’s certainly within the realm of possibility that Gronk could have been the greatest tight end in the game’s history, if you erased all the nasty injuries that incredibly chiseled body (pause) has endured. That’s most likely not going to occur now, but as long as he’s even at 75%, he’s a top-3 tight end in football. I’ll take 100 yards and a tub each and every week from my tight end and celebrate with an O’Douls. If captain limp wrist can play like he did this past week, Gronk’s numbers should continue to ascend like Apple stock after they dropped the iPhone 6….Wait… what? Scratch that. Oh, you waited six hours in the rain for one of those? I wouldn’t wait six hours in the street for a FREE iPhone 6, let alone to have the opportunity to pay full price for one. Kudos to those of you with that kind of dedication and tenacity though. I’m thoroughly impressed…
Speaking of Gronk, every time I witness a shirtless picture of him, I get inspired to hit the gym and double up on my ExtenZe dosage. Speaking of ExtenZe, does Jimmy Johnson still endorse those? Seeing that commercial for the first time was the most shocked I’ve been since witnessing Jeff Garcia pounding out my childhood sweetheart in the shower… if it looks like a duck and smells like a duck…..by golly, Jeff Garcia lays wood like a God damned beaver. Not enough deets for ya? Okay, the story goes like this; So my beloved and her skank friend from high school are in Vegas and somehow Jeff Garcia ends up in the room on the late night and randomly says, ” Who wants to get drilled in the shower?” Surprisingly (or not surprisingly) my little angel raised her hand like a giddy 1st grader who had the answer to the addition problem on the chalk board. The rest of the party stared slack jawed in a state of awe and wonder as Garcia, a man I wasn’t even aware liked female companionship, escorted my princess into the bathroom like a pig entering the slaughterhouse. All the remaining partygoers heard for the next 35 minutes or so was what sounded like a dying wildebeest. Seriously, we almost called the police. Long story short, my little snookums got the kind of jackhammering you only see in porn, and it haunts me to this very day. I’m sure she sincerely regrets it, especially since I became a thong model for CN and a big time fantasy sports analyst. With that being said, maybe we should talk a little football. This is, Disgrace and Delight! Take heed!
Players Who Delighted
Andre Ellington – Let me guess: You sold low on Ellington for a combination of Terrance West and Steven Jackson… humongous mistake, dude/dudette. The rotund Jonathan Dwyer is now off the team for assaulting his forever thang, and that means Ellington will see more carries inside the 5 like he did against Denver. Also, did you happen to see Ellington sprinting away from the Broncos defense like some Klan members who mistakenly thought they were headed to a rally only to walk in to a Ghetto Boys concert? Ellington haters make me hotter than Tobasco. Trade my fantasy breakout players and Imma kick you in your a**hole. Expect more big plays next week against Washington.
Russell Wilson – Wow, I haven’t seen someone carry a team like that since Dottie Hinson starred and co-managed for the “Rockford Peaches” in A League Of Their Own. There’s no crying in fantasy football for Percy Harvin owners! Seriously though, 122 rushing yards? Any Seahawks opponent will tell you that Wilson is one the five best QB’s in the NFL, yet the haters at home keep telling me has more talent and better defense, so he’s just a game manager and not great. If you refer to single handily leading your team to victory (and covering the spread I might add) on Monday Night Football ON THE ROAD against a desperate [Jay’s Note: If by desperate, you mean terrible] football team as solid “game managing” then yeah, I totally get what you’re saying. Fun fact for you; Aaron Rodgers doesn’t win that football game if he and Wilson switched places. Another fun fact; Peyton Manning doesn’t win that game if he and Wilson switched places. He’s an amazing football player, one of the most unique in NFL history, and it’s time some of these Twitter haters showed some respect. The Elder Gods will no doubt punish the weak and feeble minded who continue on this embarrassing quest for attention. WITNESS!
Golden Tate – Anyone who witnessed the “Sports Illustrated” cover that showcased Russell Wilson’s prestigious package knows his wife wouldn’t have crept on him for a number 2 wideout. Still, the rumors were quite humorous, and I was saddened to see Tate leave Seattle. With Calvin Johnson hobbled to the point that I have no clue why he’s playing, the golden child has stepped up and excelled in his role as the number 1 receiving option. He was a fantastic play last week and should be for the next few with Calvin out. Get him in your lineups, STAT!
Branden Oliver – It only took 3 carries before I came to this conclusion: Branden Oliver is superior to Donald Brown and the Chargers wasted a bunch of money on Brown when they already had multiple running backs. Oliver has a great matchup this weekend against Oakland and I’d have to problem starting him, even if the ineffective Brown has somehow recovered from his concussion. Oliver could end up being a great story or disappearing like a fart in the wind. That is up to the Gods.
Demaryius Thomas – Over the past couple weeks, I’ve heard and seen a lot of disrespectful comments regarding the Elder God blessed D. Thomas. Like, “Tehol, should I trade Demaryius and Victor Cruz for Julian Edelman and Larry Donnell?” Or, “Tehol, the Broncos should totally let him walk. Emmanuel Sanders is already a better fit.” Hopefully these mortals were either highly intoxicated or had a learning disability and took my sage advice and went down to a street corner and paid a bum 10 bucks to b*tch slap the insanity out of them. I’d do it myself, but the higher ups at Razzball have requested that my goons and I stop threatening the readers who insult me in the comment section. Thomas seems fully recovered from the sore foot that plagued him as he just turned Antonio Cromartie into the Ja Rule of the NFL.
Eddie Lacy – Finally, this Beastmode imposter decided to show up. I’m not yet sold though, as that Vikings defense looked softer and more shrunken than my johnson after witnessing the Hope Solo nude leaks. For the sake of not wanting you to vomit at your desk during work hours I shall not post the link. AM I NOT MERCIFUL!?!? This is obviously still a positive sign for Lacy, but don’t get too excited for this week’s matchup against a tough against the run Miami team.
I believe Hope giving us an idea of UW and Seahawks legend Jeremy Steven’s girth.
Ben Tate – During Cleveland’s incredible comeback this past Sunday, Ben Tate did everything his owners could ask for… other than finding pay dirt of course. But still, Tate owners have to pleased that he’s clearly the number one back for what looks like a solid Browns team. The only people who should be more bummed out than Christian Slater after he was denied entrance to even sit in the theatre at Sundance, are the Terrance West owners who are slowly realizing that Isaiah Crowell is the more talented of the backups.
DeSean Jackson – Anytime you burn what is arguably the greatest secondary of all time for 5 and 157, including the 60 yard TD thrown on a rope by Cousins, you make the Delight column. Imagine this guy in Chip Kelly’s system… Oh wait. Yea, maybe Jackson’s absence has something to do with why Riley Cooper is getting exposed for the nobody he really is. Saddened to see Djax playing for a loser, because he’s an incredible talent with Blue Ribbon bull nuts. He’s also a fantasy steal at this point. Kudos to you if you were a belieber.
Non NFL Delights
Bad Words – I’ve been eying this one “On Demand” for about a month now and finally caved last night. As I type this, I’m realizing that Jason Bateman is quite possibly the most underrated actor on the planet. Maybe it’s because he directed this one himself that made him stand out even more than usual. Hold on, I’ll be right back… sorry had to go flog the dolphin to the thought of me hosting and starring in every episode of Razzball radio. Imagine the ratings. Anyway, this film isn’t an all time great by any means but it exceeded my expectations as it was both hilarious and a little heart warming to boot. Check this one out. Beddict approved.
Players Who Disgraced
Montee Ball – Not only did Ball rush for a peon-like 7 yards on 6 carries, but he somehow managed to injure his groin while doing so. At least Ball owners now have the benefit of not having him lay an egg in their lineup every week. Ball has truly been one of the largest busts in all of fantasy this season and the injury certainly won’t help. Pick up Ronnie Hillman, but don’t expect much consistency. None of the other backs are worth an add, though I wouldn’t be shocked to see C.J. Anderson have a couple short TD runs.
The New York Jets – This situation is grosser than the time I had to have Sky wax my balls before a big catalogue spread in 2011. I’ve always been a huge Rex Ryan supporter… until now. There is simply no excuse for their play calling, as well as their lack of receiving playmakers on offense. How many years has the cupboard been bare at WR? Yes, Decker was a nice start to fixing that, but he’s been hampered the entire season and they have NOTHING else. Chris Ivory has looked great for the past 2 years EVERY time he’s been given a decent number of carries, yet a team that should be all about grinding out victories with a solid defense and run game doesn’t seem to want to go that direction. The play calling truly is the most sickening thing I’ve witnessed in the last five years, obviously not counting the aforementioned Hope Solo pune shots which have scarred my soul deeper than the Mariana Trench. GIVE IVORY THE effing BALL!!!!
Trent Richardson – I give up on this fantasy football version of herpes, and will no longer dignify his name by entering it anywhere near my posts going forward. DISGRACE.
Toby Gerhart – “You’re name is TOBY.” and you’re a f*cking disgrace to white running backs everywhere.
Zac Stacy – The man they call Stacarella should maybe receive a name change to “Tinkerbella” for the dude is just not producing. Obviously the Rams were in total comeback mode last week, so the carries were limited, but Stacy has no doubt disappointed owners who drafted him in the 2nd and 3rd rounds. Hey, at least you didn’t draft Adrian Peterson in four different leagues. Things could always be worse, guys/gals. Just look at Christian Slater.
Tavon Austin – Remember how hyped draft analysts were about this Virginia Tech legend last year? Well, he’s certainly been a real spark plug for the Rams organization, hasn’t he… Oh I’m sorry. Did I say spark plug? I meant butt plug. Austin is nowhere near close to ownable in 12-team leagues, and I almost feel bad for him as the world has seemingly already forgotten him. With that being said, Austin could be a decent desperation play depending on match ups going forward, especially if you get return yards in your league. By the way, if you don’t have kick return yards in your league, you should add them next year. Listen to what I say…Or you’ll pay…
Calvin Johnson – Hopefully this is the last occurrence of my favorite Johnson being in the disgrace column. There is absolutely no way he should have been on the field last week, and the injury is more than likely worse now than it ever was before. CJ should miss the next couple weeks, which is obviously a big blow to his fantasy owners. Make sure you grab Titus Young wherever you can……Wait…What??? When did that happen? Never mind.
Jermaine Gresham – Those horrific drops Gresham had against the Patriots Sunday night are even more disturbing when you think about how the Bengals drafted Gresham over both Rob Gronkowski and Jimmy Graham in the 2010 NFL Draft. I’m guessing whoever suggested that Owner/GM Mike Brown draft Gresham has long since disappeared into a dark hole, living off potato bugs and the bottles of Brown’s urine he sends down every week or so. One of the worst pass catching tight ends I’ve ever seen.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. I hope a few of you have as much fun reading these as I do writing them. As per usual your comments and questions will be answered promptly below and you are also free to hit me up on Twitter at @Tehol143. My gambling picks will be out Saturday so if you have any interest in sports betting for money or for fun be sure and check that out. Have a great rest of the week and may the Gods be with you.