The NFL regular season starts Thursday. Oh what a glorious daaaaaay. Ohhhhh, kickin off the NFL season, the Tehol Beddict waaaaaaaaay. Oh yeah, I just went Billy Madison on that ass, one of the Elder Gods (and my) favorite films. A tale of growth and maturation. A tale of destiny. You see, I was once like Billy, taking shots of Tequila with porn stars at 9 AM. Smoking peyote with tribesman in the Bermuda triangle. Doing lines of white lightening out of call girls’s yin-yangs in the penthouse suite of the Four Seasons. Yes, traveling the world and flexing your glutes for the camera can lead to some interesting experiences, but my life was incredibly empty. Was this really my true calling? One fine day, while I was going through my daily routine of harassing and verbally abusing my best friends to the point of them no longer speaking to me, like a bitch slap from Peter North’s dong, it hit me! I had a gift for creative writing and was without question a fantasy sports savant. Wouldn’t you know it, two weeks later I met Grey Albright at a swingers club in Tahoe, bonding with him as we Eiffel towered my long term lover. He thoroughly enjoyed combining the Naked Gun films with fantasy baseball for a post and decided to bring me in the fold. Was it my rapier wit or the briefcase full of money I left in the trunk of his car along with a bag containing the hair from my freshly shaved scrotum? I’ll never know, but, what I do know is, entertaining people with my mind and creativity is much more stimulating than greasing up my ass and grabbing my ankles for the cameraman. I’m happy to be here. Shout out to Billy Madison, for he followed his dreams, just as I have. We are kindred spirits, him and I.
I’m really losing it. Can we please get to my Week 1 rankings? I am Tehol Beddict and this is, Disgrace/Delight! Take Heed!
Players that will Delight
Tyrod Taylor – Ahhhhh, Kimosabe, let me welcome you to the Dojo of Tygod Taylor, favored son of the Elders. In this particular dojo, we enjoy finding elite receiving options in space and letting them rack up yardage, doing all the work on our behalf. Also, in the Dojo of the Rodfather, speed is very important, as we teach escaping the pocket and taking off like a zooted up hyena. Put these two things together with accuracy and arm strength and you have the essence of Tyrod Taylor and what he is teaching. I’ve learned a great deal. Have you? The Colts defense? Seriously? You want me to respect them and say Tyrod isn’t going to torch them for 3 total TDs and 40-plus yards on the ground? Bufallo wins. Tyrod wins. Beddict wins. Nice little weekend. Witness!
Tony Romo – When Dallas realizes their current running backs can’t hold DeMarco Murray’s quadruple XL jock strap, they’ll allow my boy Tone to chuck that thang like a boomerang… only it won’t come back… is this making sense? I’m so out of it right now. Onward! Other writers aren’t respecting Terrance Williams’s talent but I believe he has a big year, including at least one touchdown this week. Romo also has “The Bease” Witten the Elder, and some guy named Dez to huck it to if he gets truly desperate. Big time week.
Carlos Hyde – I have Hyde as a top-10 running back option this week because I believe he gets 20+ carries and breaks a few long ones against a Vikings defense I like, just not enough to contain one of the breakout stars of 2015. Mark down in your cool iPhone calendars to give me kudos tweets after Mr. Hyde hits pay dirt for the 2nd time on Sunday. Say one thing for Tehol Beddict, he sees the future.
Chris Ivory – I’ve been on the Ivory train for what seems like three years now and just when I was thinking about throwing in the towel, all the other fantasy nerds want to jump on board. I can’t bail now! The coaching staff is claiming Ivory looks better than ever and will receive 20-plus carries a game. Aaaaaaahkay, I’ll believe it when I see it. But that statement turns to truth, well then my friends, you will see the bull I’ve had wet dreams about for years, unleashed on the meek and heartless Cleveland Browns, shattering their mantra and bringing them to their knees as he rumbles for well over 100 yards and a TD or two.
Allen Robinson/Allen Hurns – Carolina should do a nice job of shutting down the Jags’ running game, but I like the brothers Allen to both pull down a tub this weekend with much improved Blake Bortles dropping bombs like Hiroshima. Once Lee and Orange Julius come back, this offense could get wilder than a Tijuana donkey show with everybody in the crowd on acid. Okay, probably not that wild.
Brandin Cooks – If Patrick Peterson is attempting to cover this jitterbug, expect at least 12 receptions, as Peterson is the most overrated corner, maybe, in NFL history, according to Pro Football Focus. I expect the Saints to do everything within their power to get this Oregon State legend the rock, and I expect them to be successful doing so. You know, or else he probably wouldn’t be in this section.
Terrance Williams – Mentioned him earlier. 60-plus yards and a end zone celebration.
Dwayne Bowe/Brian Hartline – Just kidding.
Slim Jesus – Welcome to the new era! Thank me later. DRILL TIME!
Players that will Disgrace
Russell Wilson – This is no knock on my boy’s game, for he’s the real deal. What I’m concerned with is the still gelling offensive line, keeping the swarming, piranha like defensive line of the Rams off his ass every time he drops back. Seattle will attempt to win this game with the run game and defense, which will not allow Wilson to drop the amount of points we’re accustomed to. Hey, at least he’s still NOT smacking skins with Ciara. Who among us has that kind of willpower? You know how many times RW probably flogged the dolphin to Ciara’s old music videos? Truly incredible willpower. Kudos, Russ.
Jay Cutler – The aforementioned Packers curse along with a banged up Alshon Jeffery could lead to a rough day for “Big Play Jay.” On a brighter note, I heard Cutler finally rid himself of those bags underneath his, you know, the ones that make him look like he was up all night shooting junk with Alice and Chains roadies? I’m just kidding, I didn’t hear that. Just hoping.
T.J. Yeldon – Except Teej to take more facials than the entire Kardashian Clan over the course of the Super Bowl weekend. Splouge city. Hope he’s got a windshield wiper on his visor. Okay, this is gross.
Ameer Abdullah – I’m sorry, I just don’t see it. San Diego should have a tough defense so I highly doubt Abdullah breaks one. Everyone’s on the Dullah train as of now, but if I were you, I’d prepare yourself for 4 carries and 2 receptions a game. You’ve got to be realistic about these things.
Kenny Stills – Until I witness Ryan Tannehill throwing ONE, JUST ONE, decent deep ball, I’m not even thinking about starting Stills. Not even against a garbage Washington secondary. I need to see ONE, Ryan. COME ON!
Brian Hartline/Dwayne Bowe – Not kidding.
Martellus Bennett – If Jeffery doesn’t play, all attention will be focused on Bennett. Plus, I’ve never witnessed Jay Cutler play as horrifically as he does against the Packers, so I’m just imagining this going worse being forced to use the air plane bath room after an all night blow fest followed by breakfast at Dennys.
Pittsburgh Steelers Defense – Danny Amendola might drop two bills on these bums, I kid you not. I haven’t witnessed the kind of wide open gaps the Steelers leave in their defensive backfield since the time I took Lifshitz’s wife and sister to Maui. Imfeelinkindakinky.
The New England Patriots organization – Read THIS and tell me you still respect the organization. Ralph would inject his own mother with speed balls before turning on this beloved band of cheating scum, but he gon learn, boi! HE GON’ LEARN. It’s unravelling fast and soon, Jennifer Warner, the head of Brady’s club, will be joining the REAL 12th man in Seattle, forfeiting her respect of the Patriots’ organization. Happy day.
Thank you for joining me for another edition of Disgrace/Delight. As always, it was an absolute pleasure being your tour guide through my sick and twisted mind. Let’s keep this conversation going, shall we? Please leave all comments and questions below and I’ll get back to you as soon as I possibly can. Remember, that I will be updating the rankings throughout the week as health news is revealed. Enjoy your week, for it could be your last one, undefeated. Mu-hahahahahahha.
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