Greetings! Young Lords and Lordettes, we are almost a quarter of the way through the NFL season! I cannot believe it. I haven’t fully enjoyed the sport as I usually do, for I’m dealing with many intense personal issues, while also trying to grow as a human being. Some things must come before this incredible game we all have come to lean on for entertainment, and in my case, develop an unhealthy obsession with. So, I ask you this, as your trusted Lord; Put your phone down for a few minutes and kiss your loved ones. Close Twitter for an hour and toss your mate’s salad. Throw the ball to your dog! Go on a hike! For the love of the Gods, I beg of you, don’t become like me, for I have a screen addiction. Oh, it’s real folks. I seriously need to have it taken away from me on Sundays and pretty much every day of baseball season. There are more important things in life than professional sports. Not many, but some. I am here to serve.
I am Lord Tehol Beddict and this is Disgrace/Delight. Take Heed!
Players the Lord believes will Delight in Week 4
Andrew Luck – Are you REALLY going to harp on the fact that the soon to be mentioned Jaguars are only giving up 206 yards per game? My goodmen, you’ve got to be realistic about these things. I truly love the talent on this Jaguars defense. Honestly, but let’s be real here; Luck is a throwing savant, and when he excretes this diamond of a game in front English royalty, well, that, my friends is how you achieve honorary knighthood. Myself and Nicolas Cage were knighted together back in ’95. Ah, the glory days. Shout out to Nic by the way, for he just received three lines in that new “Snowden” flick. So what if he had to agree to buy all the food for the entire cast in crew with money he no longer as has? That’s what credit cards are for, eh. P.S. Dorsett gets a long TD. Witness.
Blake Bortles – In real life, I’m much more distinguished. I’m like a bloke from London, England. Did the Lord write that, or was it Jay-Z? Who can remember these days? So many lost memories, so many women, and so many Harold Potter movie marathons on acid. Anyway, I digress (do people still say that? I hate that term…), for I’m here to speak on the epically disappointing Blake Bortles, a young man dealing with a lot of self-loathing at this time. A young man who’s just trying to get his life in order. I’m sure you can all relate, for even I, Lord Beddict, have gone through trying times, none more so than right now, but we have jobs to do, so the show must go on. Indy is giving up 306 passing yards per game, and so what if the Jags offensive line has been pummeled like Hilton’s sister’s va-jay-jay… it’s the Colts we’re talking about here! Kudos on that Trent Cole signing by the way… Anything less than 300 yards and three passing scores would be beyond disgraceful. I say he comes through.
Jordan Howard – I apologize for hyping up Langford before the season commenced. Much like the Domonic Brown situation, this will haunt me until the end of my days. On a far brighter note, J-Howard is six feet and 220 pounds of human wrecking ball, bludgeoning his opponents, battering them like he was big horn sheep in the mountains of Siberia. The Lions are giving up over 100 yards a game on the ground and I expect Howard to do just that, all by his lonesome.
Matt Jones – Mr. Jones and me, talk about the future, and the last time we spoke he guaranteed me a 100-yard day against the hapless Browns. Cleveland is holding opposing running backs to under four yards per carry, but I expect the Skins to spread the field and get Jones in some open spaces. Just stay out of my way, or you’ll pay. Listen to what I say.
Terrelle Pryor – I spoke of Pryor on live radio last week, picking him as my breakout player of the week as I assumed the targets would be through the roof with Corey Coleman injured and Josh Gordon still suspended for being a moron. This stallion of a man made me look like prophetic, as he not only dominated in the receiving game, but played some quarterback and ran one in for a score. Expect more of the same and expect more gloating by Lord Beddict next Wednesday.
Marvin Jones – The Bears secondary has more gaping holes than the entire Kardashian Klan, and Marv has been straight shredding in these first three games of the season. Good grief, he’s even surpassed anything Calvin Johnson’s ever done over the first three weeks of the season, not that it means that much. Just read it somewhere and thought I would write it as if I actually did the research. Where’s Golden Tate though?
Hunter Henry – So what if the rookie cost the Chargers the game last week (cue photo of Jay weeping on the floor in a puddle of his own vomit)? He was solid until that point, and now he gets to face the most decimated defense I’ve ever witnessed. Truly. Honestly. Did you watch Monday Night Football? Must I continue entertaining you with the Lord’s rhetoric? Let’s move to the disgraces. Daddy has some built up anger!
Players the Lord believes will Disgrace in Week 4
Jameis Winston – Let me be clear; Winston is going to throw at least three picks in this contest and he’ll probably be sacked five more, which could very well lead to a fumble and possibly an early exit from this game. His decision making is not up to par quite yet, and this Denver secondary will take full advantage. I’ve been wrong before, like that time I somehow contracted gonorrhea from an alleged virgin, but in this, I have no doubt.
Marcus Mariota – I don’t understand much of what’s going on in Tennessee as far as coaching and player personnel is concerned, but I do know that when Delanie Walker is out, the Titans only weapon is like George Michaels at a female MMA title fight. Still, one would expect M.M. to rise up to the challenge and make some plays on his own. It simply isn’t happening on a regular basis and now they get J.J. Watt and the Texans… Wait, what? When did that happen? Yikes, Watt’s out for the season, but even so, I expect it to be tough sledding out there for the second year QB.
T.J. Yeldon – Yeldon is averaging a paltry 2.5 yards per carry. True story! Believe me (Trump Voice)! Yes, the Colts defense is softer than a rotten bowl of Jello jigglers, but we saw them clamp up the revitalized Melvin Gordon and the Jags offensive line is still extremely weak. Avoid Yeldon like Pax avoids Brad Pitt after he’s pounded down a couple rum and cokes and took a blunt to the face.
Matt Forte – Yes, Carlos Hyde had a 100 yards and two tubs. Yes, it was all pure trash time with the Seahawks in a dime defense, assuming the 49ers would throw the ball, you know, like, because they were down by four touchdowns. But Chippy decided to rack up the stats for his bell cow, and that’s totally cool… Forte will not come close to approaching 100 yards, nor will he be scoring. Take heed.
Doug Baldwin – I believe that Revis is being unfairly shamed and that if he takes on the responsibility of shadowing Baldwin, that he will hold him below 70 yards and without a touchdown. I’m confident in this for the fact that Russell Wilson is hobbled with multiple injuries and will not be throwing a ton on Sunday. Look for my Hawks to win with the running game and their defense.
Tajae Sharpe – Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, take my pool stick up the backdoor while you watch me eat a banana fudge sundae out of your mothers arse. This man is dripping with wack juice, and he can’t get it off, and I’m dropping him like the grenade I have wet dreams about dropping in Kim Jong-Un’s Maybach.
Charles Clay – When you drop goose eggs out your bunghole, and they’re not golden, well, sir, you must be tossed to the side like you were Christian Slater at an open audition for movie extras in the next Transformers flick. Seriously, Clay has the worst contract in the NFL and it’s beyond incomprehensible that he’s unable to contribute on a team missing it’s star wideout. Damn, homey, what the fuzz happened to you?
Thank you kindly for joining your Liege Lord for another scintillating edition of Disgrace/Delight. Ooooooouu, that was super spicy hot. Might have just made Rosie O’Donnell juicy enough to get back on the old sau-seege. Only time will tell. Until next time, my goodmen.